A Sadness Within

by Sara Fiorenzo

  We talked for most of the night, trying to decide the best course of action. Eventually, we decided to explain the risks, and if Julia still wanted to find him, we would support her.

  “Well, I guess we’ll leave things up to her. This should be her decision,” he said. “We must tell her of the dangers in the city and let her decide.”

  As if on cue, I heard her stir outside the door. Julia walked in, looking slightly better than before, but her eyes were still sad.

  “Ah, Julia,” my father crooned. “It is delightful to meet you. I am Will and Celia’s father, Samuel.”

  He clasped his hands around hers.

  “Hi. It’s wonderful to meet you too.” She let a small smile slide out between the corners of her mouth.

  “My father and I were just talking. We know where Will lives.” Her eyes lit up. “But, I think you had better sit down so I can tell you the rest.”

  An hour later, we had briefed Julia on the Chicago coven and the dangers that we would face there. It was decided that only Julia and I would go. There was no love lost between the leader, Chris, and my father. It would be much more dangerous for him to go. We would take the train in order to rest and conserve our strength. With any luck, we could find Will alone, but we needed to be prepared if we ran into Chris. I wasn’t sure that this plan would work, but Julia seemed to believe that if she could just talk to Will, things would work out.

  “Julia, you’re sure that this is what you want? You could always walk away and I wouldn’t think less of you,” my father asked quietly. I could hear the pain behind those words as I knew that he longed for Will’s happiness.

  “Yes,” she answered resolutely. “I made a terrible mistake.” I could see tears springing to her sad eyes. “I know I shouldn’t, but I love him. Despite everything, I love him no matter what he is. He makes me feel.”

  If I could cry, I would be crying right along with her. She loved him. I could really see that now. She had forgiven him… but would he forgive her? My only hope was to find Will in Chicago and let Julia explain. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be too late.

  “What the hell is your problem?” Chris spat in my face. “You have been like the walking dead since you returned.” He grabbed my shirt and pulled me up roughly, trying to get a reaction or at least my attention.

  “Nothing,” I said. My voice sounded normal, but I was afraid that my eyes would betray all of my secrets. I shoved him off of me and straightened my shirt, feigning anger. “Let’s just go. I’m ready. I need to get out of here.” I added the last part for good measure. In all reality, I could care less what I did.

  I had only been back in Chicago for a week and had tried to get back into the swing of things, going out at night, satisfying the blood lust with the occasional human, but it wasn’t enough. There was a distinct void that was now permanently housed in my chest. The ache that had been controlled before with blood never left, only now it had a name. The ache had been there for decades, but I had never known what it meant. Now I knew, and it made me want to die. I thought I had been miserable before, but now I knew immortality was nothing but a silent hell for me. My life would never be the same. Julia had awakened human emotions in me that I could never forget. The love I felt for her would never change, and I would have to live with this knowledge for eternity.

  Still, I would always be haunted by the look on her face when I admitted to her what I really was. The terror that took residence in her eyes was harrowing, and I regretted ever making her feel that way. I regretted making her feel anything for me. And, I missed her. I missed the smell of her hair, her eyes that swallowed me whole, and the softness of her hands. Ah, her hands. The way her hands flowed across the ivory keys of the piano entranced me. I could never forget that.

  “Yo, Will, let’s go!” Chris was standing holding the door open shouting at me, waking me from my stupor. The others were already outside waiting.

  Another night out. More people in this town to terrorize. What used to thrill me, only sickened me now, but still, I went along with it. There was nowhere else for me to go. There was no one else who would accept me. Reluctantly, I mustered up a smile and sauntered out the door trying to convey that I had no care in the world. I would pretend that everything was just fine; that I enjoyed living like this.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I checked it as I walked. Celia. She had been calling me all week but had been rather insistent tonight. No doubt to convince me to come back. I couldn’t talk to her. I didn’t want to talk to her, at least not yet. I hit ignore on my phone as the sadness settled in my chest. I just needed blood. It would all be better after that, I tried to reason. I would feel stronger, yet my stomach churned at the very thought of the unknowing and unwilling victims of the evening, who would pay the price for my unhappiness.

  The others were slightly ahead, leaving me to walk alone. I watched them all surround Chris. Why had I never noticed? They followed him blindly, like a god. Granted, he was known for taking others in, but I had realized since coming back how little anyone questioned him. He made it sound like everyone in the group would all be equal but really, we were all there for him. Things between the two of us had been strained ever since I came back. Chris was constantly berating me with questions about my few weeks with my family. I answered them nonchalantly, trying my best to act as if it meant nothing and was merely a trip to get my father off of my back. But he was so perceptive and never seemed to be happy with my answers. The last few days were making me realize that perhaps I needed to find a way out of this life, even if I couldn’t go back home.

  “Hey, Will,” Kyle had fallen back and into step with me. “So what’s new?” It sounded just like small talk, but I had a feeling there was an ulterior motive.

  “Not much. Just aching to get out there.” I flashed my teeth in a sinister grin hoping to give him the hint.

  “Well, I just wondered if you were okay. You haven’t seemed the same since coming back. Did your crazy old man finally get to you?” He threw the question out there casually, a hint of mock concern.

  And there it was, the reason he had been sent to come “talk.”

  “No my crazy old man didn’t get to me. He doesn’t keep fresh blood around so I don’t have as much fun as I’m used to. It just makes me feel weak for a little while after. I’ll be fine once I feed a few more times.” The lie tasted bitter on my lips.

  “Good. I don’t suppose you’ve been successful in getting your cute little sister to join us down here, have you? I’d be happy to show her a good time.” Kyle tried to grab my shoulder in fun, but I swept it away not wanting to be touched.

  “Leave my sister out of this!” I snarled and he instantly backed away. He held his hands up in mock defeat.

  “Kidding! I was just kidding,” he said but quickly jogged up next to Chris, no doubt to fill him in on what I had said.

  Christ, it was going to be a long night.

  “He’s still not answering,” Celia slammed her phone shut and crammed it into her pocket. “What’s the point of a cell phone if you’re never going to answer it?”

  I smiled to myself. I was notorious for never answering my phone. Not because I didn’t want to, but because no matter how high I put the volume, I didn’t seem to hear it. That, and the fact that not too many people were calling me. Maybe too many years of pounding on the piano had affected my hearing. Or maybe I just didn’t want to be so easily found.

  We were on the train to Chicago after deciding that it would be easier than driving. Celia had never bothered to get a license, and I wasn’t sure I could keep my emotions in check on the long drive around the lake.

  Traveling with Celia was relaxing. I knew she was being kind by making small talk to get my mind off of things. Even still, Will was always in my head distracting me. She told me stories about her and Will as children. She told me about their mother and about learning to live after the change. She told me all about the life she and her father had been living. Inevitably, our conv
ersation turned to Will and the life that he had chosen.

  “It breaks my father’s heart to see him living like this. He truly believes that we don’t have to live like the others. Sure, there are people in this world who romanticize the idea of being immortal. There are even those who let us take blood from them willingly, even though we don’t need to. I guess people have long glamorized the idea of immortals being vampires. Will, however, has taken this lifestyle to the extreme.” I looked down at my hands tangled in my lap, trying not to think about Will in this way. Celia, ever aware, could sense me pulling back. “I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t tell you this,” she added placing her cool hand on mine.

  “No it’s okay, I think I need to know the whole truth. I’m not sure anything could change my mind at this point, anyway. I guess I just don’t see him that way. At least he wasn’t when he was with me…” I let my voice trail off.

  “No, he was never that way when he was with you,” Celia interrupted. “He has changed in the last few weeks. I know he struggled at first. He was so drawn to you. I could sense it within the first week. His humanity, no, his soul, was reawakening. I mean he was being bombarded with all of these new feelings. He didn’t believe it at first. Or didn’t want to believe it. We can’t deny what we are, but we can make the best of what we have and not give in to the urge. Will never understood that. He has always thought that he just had to completely give in. He never understood he had a choice. At least, not until he met you.”

  “And then I threw that in his face when I ran. God, how could I be so stupid! If I had just given him a chance to explain, this could all be different.” I looked ahead at the empty seats across from me, feeling the train humming rhythmically on the track.

  “It’s not your fault, Julia. This is Will’s way of dealing with things. He tends to run from them. If he could have been patient for a few days, to give you a chance to calm down, I could have helped him, too, you know.” Of course I knew that she was right. I couldn’t completely blame myself for Will’s actions.

  I looked out the window, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to erupt in my eyes. It was my fault. I knew that things would be different if I hadn’t left. If I hadn’t gotten scared. If I had only given him a chance to talk to me, to explain. Instead, I was the one who had run first, which then drove him away.

  “I know. I tend to be the one running away too,” I said quietly.

  I leaned back and closed my eyes. The train was nearly empty. A few passengers dotted the car, but there was no one within earshot which allowed us to talk candidly.

  “You know there is no cure for us. No hope of becoming human again.” Her tone was soft and sad.

  “I know. At least I assumed that, or you and your father wouldn’t still be infected.” I paused as I sorted my thoughts out and sighed loudly. “Celia, I have had a lot of loss in my life and if there is one thing I have learned, it’s that sometimes you need to think about the now. I can’t dwell in the past and I can’t think about the future. I need to do what makes me happy right now. Life is too short.” Celia chortled a little, which puzzled me, and then I remembered why. She was immortal. Life wasn’t short… which made me smile a little. “That probably doesn’t seem like much to you, I realize.”

  “Actually, human life is short. I do know what you mean. I think you’re brave for feeling that way. Most people are too focused on the past and the future to enjoy what is around them right now. I guess that is a luxury I have. Someone like me can spend an eternity dwelling on what happened and why, or they can learn to enjoy the here and now as well. That is the difference between my family and others. We have learned that by enjoying the now, we are able to maintain our humanity. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about what I am. Instead, I just live. I don’t want to give up and give in. Besides, if I spent all of my time thinking about the past and the future, I would go crazy!”

  She was right, her family was very different. I mean they didn’t fit in with the mythology I knew, but they also seemed happy. They didn’t have to hide. Not much, anyway. This is the Will that I knew. Someone who lived in the now. Someone who loved deeply and thought about others first, not the monster that Celia described before. I began to wonder if I would be disappointed once we got to Chicago. Would he still be the same person I had fallen in love with? Or would he have resorted back to the person who had lost hope.

  We sat in silence again. I checked my watch. We had at least another hour. Absentmindedly, I began thumbing through the pages of the magazine next to me. There was nothing of interest in it, although, I suppose not much would have held my attention. Finally, I asked Celia a question that had been nagging at the back of my mind.

  “Celia,” I said tentatively setting the magazine back down and sitting up to face squarely toward her. “Have you ever been in love?” She looked up, and I saw a momentary flash of sadness in her eyes.

  “Yes. A very long time ago. Before I became… before I was infected.” I looked at her hoping that she would finish but not wanting to pry, but she was silent, and I couldn’t control the question that came out.

  “What happened?” I leaned forward, and my body swayed with the motion of the train slithering along the track. In a way it was relaxing.

  “I was engaged to be married. His name was Jonathan. He was smart, handsome, and perfect.” Her eyes were soft as she began to remember the past. “We were so in love, but then I got sick. At least that’s what he thought happened. I didn’t want to just abandon him or let him think that I didn’t love him anymore. He was devastated when I died and there was no way that I could tell him what I had become. I was too much of a coward back then. At the time, we didn’t know it was even possible to live out in the open like this. And if I hid it from him, it wouldn’t have worked anyway. He would have figured it out when I stopped aging. I’m not sure he would have been as brave as you are. I think he would have run out screaming instead.”

  I laughed at her willingness to forget my shortcomings.

  “You’re forgetting that I did do that. I’m not as forgiving as you give me credit for.”

  “But you did come back, don’t you see? And it was only a few days later. You must really love him because you came back. And then, when you found out the actual truth, you still stayed. A love like that shouldn’t be held back. If there is one thing I have learned in the last century, it’s that.”

  I couldn’t imagine living through everything she had lived through. How hard to not feel alone and yet, she was happy in this life.

  “Do you still love him, Jonathan, I mean?”

  She smiled sadly, not letting it reach her eyes.

  “Yes, I always will. He’s gone now. He died several years ago. I went to his funeral in disguise. He was the last connection to my old life. The last connection to what I could have been, and I needed to say goodbye.”

  “Oh. I’m so sorry, Celia. It’s never easy to lose someone you love.” She smiled at me and leaned over as she squeezed my hand.

  “You won’t have to go through that. I will help you make things right with Will. It’s the one thing I can do to help. I don’t want him to have regrets like I do.”

  “How do you do it? How do you stay so positive after suffering a loss and not let yourself succumb to the sadness?” I asked.

  “You mean, how did I not become like Will,” she stated.

  I looked away, embarrassed.

  “It’s okay,” she said, “I know what you mean. Basically, no matter how sad I became, I tried to remember the good times. I reminded myself that I was still alive, and there was still goodness and happiness left in this life. You have to find happiness in the little things. I guess I’ve tried to do that and not give in to any darkness that may try to break through.”

  She made it sound easy, but I knew thinking in that way could not have been. Especially when your whole life changes so suddenly. And then watching your brother implode because he can’t get past it. I shuddered just thi
nking about it, because I knew exactly how she felt. Exactly how she did it… because I did the same thing.

  We sat in silence during the last part of the trip, both of us thinking of the past and perhaps, how it intersects with the present and the future. The train crept through the suburbs of Chicago, inching us ever closer to the city until finally it pulled into Grand Central Station downtown. Groggily, I gathered my things, and we stepped out onto the platform. Despite sitting for so long, I was still exhausted.

  “Well, now what?” I looked at Celia expectantly.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to rest first? Do you want to check into a hotel or something?” she asked.

  “No, I think I need to do this right away. I will feel so much better after I talk to him. But where do we start? Do you know where to find him?”

  “Yes and no. I have my suspicions of where he will be right now. I have his address, although I’ve never been to his place. We can check there first.”

  She hailed us a cab, and I found myself gazing up at the tall skyscrapers that bordered the lake. The city looked magical and harmless at night and I was finding it hard to believe that even now, there were monsters lurking in the city.

  After what seemed like an eternity, we pulled up to a gothic looking building. An apartment or a brownstone. Glancing down the street, I noticed it was one in a line of many. Each side of the street looking identical. Tentatively, I got out and followed Celia up to the door. It was starting to rain lightly and I pulled my jacket tightly around me.

  “You might want to hang back a little bit. Like I told you, the others that Will lives with don’t really like me and my father very much. If Will isn’t around, I don’t want them to take too much notice of you. It doesn’t look good to bring a mortal around unless I’m… well, you know what they do.”

  “Oh. You’re probably right.” I tried to hide the horror on my face. The thought of what they may or may not do to a mortal sent shivers down my spine. Part of me refused to believe that Will would have anything to do with this. “I’ll just stay back a little and let you do all of the talking.”