A Sadness Within

by Sara Fiorenzo

  “Better,” I answered after hesitating for a few moments. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you Cee. I just wasn’t ready to talk to anyone.

  “You can’t keep running away, Will,” her voice whispered into the receiver.

  “I know. I just panicked; I didn’t know what to do. I was in so much pain, and I wanted to numb it. I thought that things would be better if I came back here, but I can see now that they aren’t. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” I looked around nervously to make sure no one had overheard. That was the first time I had admitted it out loud. It was a feeling that had been awakening and festering in me for quite a while. Julia made me realize that there was so much more. She reminded me that I could still be human. I only hoped that it wasn’t too late to tell her that. I longed to ask Celia if she thought it was too late, but I didn’t want to hear the answer. I was still absorbing everything.

  “Things will all work out, Will. And then maybe you can come home. We’ll see you at six. Take care.”

  I held the phone to my ear, listening to the silence at the other end after she hung up. I could hear it echo in my head. And then the quiet sound of a singular heartbeat. It reverberated in my chest and reminded me of so much. Everything that I longed for and everything that I had to get back.

  I opened the blinds over my window and let the sunlight stream in, feeling more human than I had in a while. Things would change now. I would leave this place. I may not be able to go live back home, but I certainly could find somewhere else to go. Or maybe Julia would forgive me and I could go back home. I tried not to focus on this hope. My skin warmed and tingled from the sunlight still shining upon it. I would need to tell Chris and the rest of the guys that I was leaving for good. They will not be happy. They felt betrayed if anyone left. In fact I wasn’t sure that I could remember anyone leaving in the 50 or so years I had been with them. I knew that Chris, especially, would be upset. He felt that humans were toys to be dominated by the immortal and all powerful. I certainly couldn’t tell him why I was leaving. If he found out about Julia, or about my newfound feelings, he would never forgive me. Chris was not someone you should make angry.

  I crept out into the hallway to see if anyone was awake. It was quiet, except for the heartbeat I could feel rhythmically beating a few times a minute. I couldn’t believe the feeling it was bringing to me. I couldn’t wait until tonight. I couldn’t wait to see her again. I couldn’t wait to begin again.

  I listened to the sounds of Julia’s rhythmic breathing and I knew she was still asleep, despite the fact that it was late morning. I had heard her pacing around for quite some time last night. Everything was going well, almost too well, making me wonder if something wasn’t right. I had been calling Will all week long with no hint of an answer. Then, we show up at his doorstep and he calls a few hours later? I made a split second decision and raced down the stairs, faster than humanly possible. I wanted to go talk to Will in person. I needed to see how he really was. I had grown to like Julia as more than just a teacher, and I wasn’t ready to throw her into a bad situation.

  Within minutes, I was in a cab to his apartment, unable to breathe until I finally pulled up in front of the brownstone. His horrid roommates may be awake or they may be sleeping. It would be so much easier if they were sleeping, because I didn’t want to have this conversation with them around.

  Chris answered the door almost immediately after my soft knock. Damn, the last person I wanted to see.

  “Oh hi, Celia. I heard you were in town. What can I do for you?” he purred. “Have you come to hang out with us tonight?”

  “I need to talk to Will,” I stated calmly, trying my hardest to push aside my disgust. “Is he around?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. Won’t you please come in?” His voice dripped with sarcasm, and I couldn’t help but wonder exactly what he was up to. His mere presence was unnerving, even to me.

  The entryway was dark and I followed him into the living room. He turned and gestured to the sofa, urging me to sit down. He leaned against the doorway, arms crossed in front of him and just stared. I cleared my throat to remind him of what I wanted.

  “Will. Your sister’s here,” Chris called out never taking his eyes off of me. I ignored him the best I could and sat down.

  “Why don’t you come out with us tonight, Cee?” I grimaced as he used my brother’s nickname for me. “You could even bring that human you have in town. We could have a lot of fun.” I caught the gleam in his eye and wanted nothing to do with the sort of fun he was proposing. But if there is one thing I had learned about Chris, it was to not piss him off.

  “Thank you, but we have plans already but maybe next time.” I emphasized the "we" in case he was planning on trying to get to Julia. Flashing my brightest smile at him, I hoped that he would buy into my fake sincerity.

  “Your loss. The clubs around here are fantastic. You can find anything you like.” I thought I saw his tongue dart out briefly, like a snake. How fitting for someone as slimy as he. At that moment, Will came into the room.

  “Celia. What are you doing here? I thought we weren’t meeting until later on.” He stiffened and looked around nervously.

  “We are. I just wanted to talk to you first. Would you please excuse us, Chris?”

  “Sure.” Chris skulked out of the room and disappeared around the corner. I waited until I thought he was gone before continuing quietly. Will glanced around nervously, and I instantly knew what he needed to know.

  “She’s not here. She’s back at the hotel room. I wouldn’t bring her here,” I whispered. Immediately, Will’s posture relaxed. “You will talk to her, won’t you?”

  “Yes.” He hesitated. “I just don’t want her to see this.” He gestured largely around the room, but I knew it wasn’t the bachelor pad he didn’t want her to see but his life here.

  “It doesn’t have to be this way, you know. You could come back home to live.”

  “I want to, but it’s not that easy. These guys don’t understand. They have never been in this situation. I’m not sure what they would do if I left for good. I made a mistake by coming here and now I’m not sure I can ever leave.” He looked so lost, not the overconfident person I had grown accustomed to over the last several decades. This was my brother. My real brother. The one who cared. The one who loved.

  “How did you get away last time?”

  “I told them that father wanted me around, which was partially true. I have always been able to leave for a while because I think Chris knew I would always come back. He knew I hated it, and I was always back within a few days, but this time, father certainly didn’t make me stay. I made my own decision and stayed far longer than I usually do, because of Julia. I didn’t tell you, but for the last few weeks, Chris had been calling me to check up, insisting that I come back.”

  “I know. Whatever your reasons for staying, I’m happy that you did. I’m only sorry that things happened the way they did. And I only wish you had let me help you before just taking off and leaving.”

  “When I was back in Michigan, I changed. I woke up inside, and I realized that I couldn’t hide anymore. I didn’t want to. And then when everything happened with Julia, I thought I could just leave and I would go back to way things had been before. I felt as if I was empty again.” Will got up and paced around the room glancing around the corner, only to come sit back down. “I think Chris knows something is up. I just haven’t been my usual self around him and I think that it’s making him suspicious. I haven’t been able to go back to living the way I did before and it doesn’t go unnoticed. I tried, lord knows, I’ve tried to not care, but I just can’t. This isn’t working anymore, but I don’t think I could leave without a scene.”

  We sat in silence for a moment, neither one of us knowing how to proceed. There was so much that I wanted to say to my brother, so much unspoken between us after all of these years, but I held on to my silence.

  “I think he’s watching me,” h
e finally continued. “They all are. If I leave, I’m sure he will follow. No one gets out this easily.”

  The air in the brownstone was filled with unease, and I began to look around nervously as well. Maybe I had underestimated Chris. It would never be that easy for Will to leave. He was simply a pawn. A toy for Chris to play with and manipulate. I thought about the mindless drones that followed him, and I had to get my brother away from all of this.

  “She loves you, you know,” my voice came out barely a whisper. “And she is sorry.” I should let Julia tell him this, but I was fearful that he would still be too afraid to meet. That the fear of Chris would keep him here, instead of in her arms, which is where he should be. I didn’t want to lose this new Will. The Will that actually cared about something real.

  I placed my hand on his arm as a comfort and Will sighed beside me.

  “I love her, too. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her since I came back. I only wish I had done things differently. If I had just been upfront with her from the beginning, we may not be here right now.” He ran a nervous hand through his hair and clenched his jaw.

  “So you will still come tonight, to the cafe?” My tone conveyed hope.

  “Of course. I need to make things right. And then, I guess, we will go from there.”

  I stood up and gave him a brief hug.

  “This will work. You two can still fix things. I’ll drop her off and let you two have some time together to talk. This will all work out, Will. I believe in you.” I glanced back with a smile and slipped quietly out the door, never noticing the sulking shadow that had been listening to our every word.

  The smell of food awoke me the next day. I opened my eyes and sat up sleepily to see Celia waiting with a big table full of food.

  “I didn’t know what you would want to eat, so I ordered a little bit of everything,” she smiled cheerily.

  I pushed the blankets aside, sat up, and made my way over to the food, my stomach grumbling loudly.

  “You’re in a good mood today,” I commented. I glanced at the clock which read 1:30 pm. I must have been really tired to sleep that long. Waking up every few hours didn’t help. “I can’t believe I slept this long.” I grabbed a piece of bacon off of a plate.

  “I heard from Will,” she stated rather matter-of-factly. “Actually, I saw him. I’m sorry that I didn’t wake you, I guess I just needed to check in on my brother first.”

  My heart skipped a beat briefly as I took her words in. She had talked to him. He knew I was here. Don’t get ahead of yourself, Jules, I told myself. Just because she talked to him, does not mean he’s willing to talk to you.

  “Is he… okay?” My voice betrayed me, my attempt to be nonchalant ruined. The lump in my throat prevented any other words from coming out.

  “Yes. He’s okay. He said that he will meet with us later.” She picked absently at a piece of toast.

  “Really?” Relief flooded through my body, and I could feel tears beginning to prick at my eyes.

  “We have to meet him near the Oriental Theater at 6 o’clock tonight. I wasn’t sure how long you would rest. I thought it was better that we meet in a public place. Just in case.”

  My euphoric mood was dashed slightly with her last comment. Why would we need to be in public? Was he afraid that I would make a scene? Did he not trust himself around me? Maybe he was just afraid that I would freak out and he didn’t want to be somewhere private.

  “Okay. Whatever he wants.” I tried to calm my nerves as Celia stared at me silently, trying to read my thoughts. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll just go take a bath or something. I would like to think.”

  “Sure, no problem. I’ve actually been wanting to go to the Coach store down the street, so I’ll be back in a while. Might as well get a bit of shopping done while we’re here,” she giggled.

  The door shut quickly behind her and I was alone. The tears I had been holding back now streamed down my cheeks. I couldn’t believe that I was here and that in a matter of hours, I would be able to talk with Will again. To try to explain. To try to apologize. To try to get him to forgive me for how awfully I treated him. I had learned so much about him, and I knew now that I was ready to deal with it... with us.

  Within minutes, I had drawn a bath and was stepping in. The steam rose all around me, wrapping around my skin like velvet as I slipped into the hot water. I had replayed our last conversation in my mind hundreds of times. I thought of all the different ways it could have gone. How different life would be if I had reacted another way. Instead, all I could picture was the pain on his face as I turned and ran from him. I should have known that if he really wanted to kill me, he could have done it there in the cemetery, or a million times before that. How many times had we been alone? In the school, at my house. Hell, I had fallen asleep in his arms on more than one occasion. I should have trusted him. My eyes closed as I leaned against the back of the claw foot bathtub, trying now to picture what our next conversation might be like.

  I stayed in the bath until my fingers were shriveled. Dressing slowly, I started to hum a song, letting the melody relax my soul. Suddenly, I really needed to play. I remembered there was a piano in the lobby of the hotel. Without thinking, I threw on the rest of my clothes, my wet hair dripping down my back. The door clicked behind me as I left, and I hurried down to the front desk.

  “Excuse me,” I said. The concierge looked up, and I was suddenly aware of my wet hair and lack of make-up. “The piano over there. Can I play it?”

  “Sorry, we usually only let professionals play it at night. It’s not for guests.” He looked me up and down scrutinizing my disheveled look and turned back to his work.

  “Please,” I pleaded. “I do play. And it is really important.” He glanced up in time to see a single tear escape before I could hastily wipe it away. A frown played upon his mouth, and I could see him contemplating it in his mind. He glanced around the lobby, taking note of anyone I might disturb.

  “Well, I suppose I could allow it this once. But if you start banging away, playing something like ‘Chopsticks,’ I will have security haul you out.”

  “Oh thank you!” I hollered over my shoulder as I was already on my way to the sleek instrument.

  The lobby was nearly empty, which suited me. I didn’t really care for an audience at this moment. I played a few chords and reveled in its perfect pitch. Not a single key was off; its tone rich and resonant. My eyes closed and my fingers slid over the keys to find their rhythm. Rachmaninoff. Something I hadn’t played in a long time, but that expressed all of the emotions I needed to let out. I hardly noticed my fingers flying across the keys. All I could focus on was the way I felt.

  The song ended several minutes later and the sound of applause filled the room. There were now 20 or 30 people standing in the once vacant area, listening to my mini concert. A warmth spread through my cheeks and I stood up tentatively and walked straight into Celia.

  “That… I have never… Wow.”

  “I just needed to play. It’s the way I’ve learned to release my emotions. Sorry, I probably should have just stayed in the room.” We headed toward the elevators and back up to the room.

  “Will told me you were amazing, but I never knew you were that good. I mean, I’d heard you play before we left, but that was unbelievable.”

  The elevators closed behind us, and we had somehow managed to leave the crown behind

  “Thanks. I haven’t played like that in a while. Well, not in front of a crowd. I played like that around Will.” I pushed the button for the 5th floor and waited for it to lurch.

  A smile crept upon Celia’s lips.

  “Your playing is what helped bring him back, did you know that? It’s the music that made him feel. Just a theory of ours.”

  I had never thought about that. I never realized my music could be used to fix someone other than me.

  “No, I didn’t know that, but I’d like to think it’s true. I know that it always brings me happin
ess.”

  Celia clicked our hotel room door open and piled her shopping bags down on the floor before flopping down on the bed, her blond curls bouncing. She grabbed the TV remote and soon settled on a romantic comedy. Unable to concentrate on the show, I stared out the window. The city was below me; cars zipped by, men in suits hurried past, and families lingered at store windows. It was all so normal, and watching made me begin to believe that everything would be okay. I wrapped my arms around myself and thought about how much I missed him. We only had a few hours left before we would meet. Playing had made me feel better, but now I was more anxious than before to tell him how I felt. I could almost feel his arms around me and his breath on my neck, as if he were whispering something into my ear.

  I looked in the mirror and touched my hair for the tenth time before Celia stopped me.

  “You look fine! Stop fussing. We need to go.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed. It was hard to believe that a few short days ago, I had thought of this girl as just a student. Now that I knew the truth about her, she was becoming a friend.

  “Okay. I’m ready. Let’s go.” I glanced sideways one more time as she pulled me away.

  The door swung shut behind us and we made our way through the lobby and out onto the sidewalk, where we were assaulted with honking horns and people rushing by. I stood rooted near the building while Celia hailed a cab. Despite the busy day, it took less than a minute.

  It only took 10 minutes to get to the theater but it felt like ten hours. Dusk was beginning to settle over the city, painting the sky in brilliant hues and leaving colorful reflections on the windows of the skyscrapers. People passed by the window of the cab, never really taking shape. It was rush hour and we spent a fair amount of time meandering through the stopped cars. My mind was too preoccupied and it prevented my eyes from truly focusing on anything.