Half Broken Things

by Morag Joss

  And I also see, but only now, that the things I have been remembering and writing down here about Mother- things which I have not thought about for years- are part of all this. Not just rambling digressions on my part, but stopping places on the way to where I am now. All this time I have been becoming the person I am. I have always been heading this way.

  This is the point. On the day of that row with Mother, eighteen years ago, with the buddleia swinging in the wind outside, it wasn’t the news about the clock that did it. Mother and I had stopped screaming at each other. The row was over, really, and we had reverted to our usual calm hostility. But in the silence, when I was going about all the things I had to do to her- the washing, the wiping, the hair, the tablets, the breakfast, the cleaning up, the rubbing of her elbows and heels with meths to stop her getting bedsores, tidying the bed- we were both thinking up things to hurt the other with.

  Who can say what might have happened if she had not got in first? But worse than the actual information she gave me was the offhand pleasure she took in it.

  ‘Oh, yes, moan moan. You can moan,’ she said. ‘Go on, I’m used to it. But if you didn’t have me you wouldn’t have anybody, would you? I’m all you’ve got. It’s not as if you’ve got any friends, is it?’

  ‘May I remind you,’ I said, ‘may I just remind you that in actual fact I do have a mother?’ I was plumping up her pillows, bashing them with my fist. ‘Not you. I don’t mean you. I’m talking about a mother, a real one. I at least have a blood relation.’

  ‘Oh,’ she said, looking past me, ‘you still think that, do you? Well, allow me to inform you that you are sadly mistaken.’

  I was confused to begin with. But hadn’t she said, just after Father died, that my real mother had not died when I was four, she had given me up? Wasn’t that what Mother had said? (Wasn’t that what I had been holding on to, the hope that I would find her some day?) Mother said, still breezy, oh, yes, but she died later. She had not bothered to remember quite when.

  I wanted to die myself then, for shame perhaps. For shame that some ordinary day, any dull old day when I got on and off buses, filed carbon copies, ate biscuits, bought stockings, God knows what banal things, was the day on which my real mother died. On that day I had been oblivious. I spoke no word, took no farewell, did not grieve. I did not know the day or even the year she died. Oh, well, Mother said, relishing it, it was maybe fifteen or twenty years ago. Then I thought, she’s lying, the whole thing is a lie. But no, she knew this because my real mother had kept in touch with the adoption bureau, keeping them up to date with her address, in case one day I ever wanted to contact her. Mother had never told me that, either. The bureau had been informed when she died and had passed the news on to Mother but, as she pointed out, what was the use in telling me? It wasn’t as if I knew her.

  Until that precise moment I had considered the Mr Hapgood episode as the worst thing that had ever been done to me. In a way it was- as a deed actively done, I mean, or a set of deeds performed but then over and finished with- but now I suddenly saw that Mother’s treatment of me so outclassed Mr Hapgood’s in malice that it amazed me that I had not seen it before. For Mother, without actually doing very much, had been busy. Over the years, forty-one of them by that time, she had been so constantly and perniciously denying me her care and approval that my state of permanent want had become a strand, no, the very substance of my character. I suppose I had grown to think of it as an inability on her part, something she couldn’t help, but suddenly I saw that she had withheld things from me so conscientiously, in so meticulous and thorough a manner, that it must have been deliberate, worked at. It had not occurred to me before then that I had a right to be angry. But now I thought, what sort of person would do that?

  Mother’s bedroom was on the ground floor, behind the kitchen. I opened the top pane of her window, because the room really did need freshening up, though she complained that it was too windy. I left her door open a crack. Perhaps I was in shock and perhaps I wasn’t, but I must have omitted to turn off the burner of the cooker when I had made her usual breakfast of porridge. Then I fetched my coat, bag, purse, keys and shopping bag. And before I left, I must have dropped a tea towel carelessly, because one edge was touching the burner and the other fell over the worktop where there were three or four cotton wool pads soaked with methylated spirit (left from when I had been rubbing her elbows and heels to keep the skin strong). The bottle stood alongside the roll of cotton wool, and evidently I had omitted to replace the cap. The wind must have blown it over. I left the door from the kitchen into the front hall open, too. I didn’t go to the office that day or, in fact, ever again. I did some unnecessary shopping, slowly. Then I sat for half an hour over a cup of coffee. Then, as it was a fine, blustery day, I took a long walk along the towpath, and I thought about my mother, my real one. I must have been out for over four hours, but what with the through draught and our old-fashioned kitchen cupboards of painted wood (I had been on at Mother for years to change them) the ground floor had gone up in less than two hours.

  Everyone was so kind. Mother had been found in the kitchen, they said, obviously trying to make herself a cup of tea or something. I kept quiet about the fact that Mother would rather lie for a week with a mouth like a desert than get up to make her own tea. They said she could not have noticed what she was doing with the tea towel, and she must have panicked when the meths caught alight. Anyway, although she might also have suffered a mild heart attack, it was smoke inhalation that killed her.

  The fire almost destroyed the house, which turned out to be under-insured. The sale of the house was just enough to pay off the builders for the rebuilding work. I have been a house sitter since, joining Town and Country with a reference from nice Roger Palmer of Oakfield Avenue, who agreed with me that there was no need to mention the house fire business. All this time I have been becoming the person I am today.

  So, as you see, I am capable of such an act. I admit it, but because I am still not sure what I intended, I cannot say exactly just what the act was. I do know that it was the opposite of coldblooded. My blood that day was close to boiling, but I certainly was not out of control. I am not sure whether or not that makes what I did deliberate.

  Nor am I cold-blooded now, in considering the monkshood. If I can contemplate the next step calmly, it is only because I know that that is the state of mind necessary. Besides, I am doing it for all of us. And I feel responsible, and that always has a calming effect, I think.

  I looked it up in the garden book, just to be sure. It says, ‘Monkshood is a useful plant, bearing graceful, small bell-like blooms of an intense blue up and down its stem. Its leaves are attractively pinked in appearance, and it makes an effective filler for the back of the mixed border. No attention is necessary. All parts of the plant are very poisonous, especially the roots.’

  Because there is nothing I can do to stop the Standish-Caves coming here. They are expected soon. I have the date. In fact I have always had the date, though I have been unable until now to connect it with something that might actually happen. But Shelley rang to check up on me again and to confirm the date. She has informed me that they will be taking a taxi from Heathrow and will be here by half past four on that day. They want me to be here to hand over the keys, and expect me to be ready to go by six o’clock.

  That being so, I thought, I shall have tea ready for them. They shall be received with such ceremony and circumstance, by this humble, fawning, slightly embarrassing house sitter, that they will not refuse. I shall make such an obsequious fuss and show of this cake I have made for them that they will indulge me. I shall bake them a cake to welcome them back, made with apples, honey, fruit and spice, which will mask any foreign taste, assuming that monkshood has any. I think it more likely that it imparts a bitterness, that is all. And with the spices to distract the tastebuds, any slight bitterness on the tongue will not be noticed until after enough has been swallowed.

  Jean began to glow with her id
ea. As she worked in the house, she planned it in detail. On the day when she believed that she had it perfect in her mind, she went to the walled garden. Michael stretched up from picking beans and together they strolled down towards the paddock. It was after five o’clock, and Steph had taken Charlie indoors for his bath.

  It was, of course, unthinkable. But it was less unthinkable than all of them having to leave Walden and have all the other things catch up with them. Only that would be truly unallowable. Michael saw that at once.

  ‘A cake? Are you sure it’ll work?’

  ‘I’m going to use the roots. They’re the most poisonous part. I’ll grate it up small, it’ll look like ginger. All the books say it’s deadly.’

  ‘But even if it works… even if it does, somebody will know, won’t they? People will know they’re coming back. They’ll be missed.’

  ‘Listen. I’ll tell Town and Country that the Standish-Caves came back as planned but then they decided not to stay here after all, and went off back to the States. But even though the contract with Town and Country has expired they’re keeping me on themselves, privately, because I know the house so well by now. And it’s for an indefinite period, because Mr Standish-Cave’s been developing some business interests over there. All right?’

  ‘But what about money? There won’t be any more coming in. How will we manage?’

  We can write to their bank again, can’t we? We can instruct them to carry on paying me, double my salary even. And they’ll have credit cards on them. Chequebooks for their other accounts, passports. We’ll be able to get at all their accounts.’

  ‘I’ve already got stuff on all their investments. It’s all in the study. I could set up an e-mail address. I’ll say I’m him, I’ll e-mail the whole lot of them, the bank, the advisor, everybody, tell them to use e-mail now, because I’m living abroad. Oh God, it’d work.’

  ‘And you could say that all statements and all the correspondence are to be sent to Walden Manor from now on, because you might be moving about and there would be arrangements there for forwarding things.’

  They had walked round the paddock and returned to the garden. Now they were sitting side by side on a bench green with mould, looking down the path towards the gate in the far wall. Beyond, across the back lawn, stood the dark wall of the house. Jean waited for Michael, who looked excited but still fearful, to speak again.

  ‘We could just go on as before,’ he said softly. ‘We won’t be greedy, will we? When we get the statements for the other accounts we’ll see what comes in from the investments and what they spend. We’ll just make sure we don’t get through any more than that. There’ll be enough for everything. Repairs when we need them, everything.’

  ‘Yes, and I was thinking… Charlie’s going to need a swing soon. You could fix one up in one of the trees. And we could get him a slide.’

  ‘And Steph quite fancies getting a cat. Somebody’s selling kittens, she says, there’s an ad in the village shop. We could get a cat.’

  ‘Well, yes, we could. We should get two, though, I believe they’re happier in pairs. Oh, we could do all sorts of things.’

  ‘It’d work. Nobody would ever know.’

  ‘We just need to get through the… the necessary part, the awful bit. Without making mistakes, or getting frightened and giving up.’

  ‘It’ll be easier this time. We weren’t expecting it last time, it was crazy, horrible, it just came at us out of the blue. This time we can plan it. We’ve got time to get everything right.’

  ‘And when we- you know- when we have to get rid of them, you won’t have to do all that again. You needn’t go off with them, in a hurry, like last time. We’ll think of something else. There must be easier ways, more gradual. Burning, maybe.’

  ‘We’ve got to manage it somehow,’ Michael said, looking straight ahead. ‘Otherwise we won’t ever be safe.’

  ‘We will. Because we’ve got to,’ Jean said. ‘And when we do, we’ll be safe forever.’

  It was twilight when they walked back down the path to the house. Steph had come back downstairs with Charlie and had switched on lights as she went. Their yellow glow shone from every window into the surrounding dark.

  Michael got down to some serious planning the next day. What, he said, if they decided to do a tour of the house and garden the moment they arrived? Jean shook her head.

  ‘I suppose they might. But I’ll be at the door when they arrive, I’ll tell them tea’s already poured in the kitchen. Even if they do look round quickly, it won’t look so different, will it? Even if they notice one or two things, suppose they see there are no photographs on the tables for instance, I’ll say I put them away for safe keeping.’

  ‘What if they go upstairs?’

  ‘They won’t. And just in case they do, I’ll move my things back into the tiny little room they gave me. Move your things up to the attic. And I’ll lock the nursery and not be able to find the key.’

  Over the next few days, together they made lists of what had to be done. Michael bought Jean a cotton skirt and top from the supermarket to wear on the day, since Mrs Standish-Cave might well recognise even the blandest of her own clothes on Jean. They planned that on the day they were due back, Michael’s van, and Michael and Steph and Charlie, would be nowhere in sight. But Michael, having left Steph and Charlie somewhere with the van, would walk back and stay out of the way but close at hand, ready to come the moment Jean called out for him.

  Jean found the pieces of broken porcelain at the back of the cupboard where she had put them in January, and made a passable attempt at reassembling the teapot. Back in one piece, though crazed now with a frenzy of fine golden glue lines, it sat once again in its place on the sideboard in the dining room. Nearer the time Jean would replace the keys in it, in case the Standish-Caves wanted to get their hands on them even before tea. Jean also decided that if she set a large bowl of flowers on the dining table, it would prevent their noticing the black rings that had appeared on it since they had seen it last. Michael said that the day before they came back he would clean the pool, replace the winter cover and close up the pavilion. But all these were precautions. Jean could not imagine that the Standish-Caves would do anything other than come to the kitchen and sink their grateful teeth into her cake. She would have slices of it cut and ready for them on plates, waiting.

  ***

  Shocking, isn’t it? It shocks me. And I do truly hate violence. I do not say this with any pride, but if I am a killer, I am a gentle one. After all, I saw to Mother with a tea towel, and this time I’m doing it with cake. Hardly offensive weapons. But I hope the necessity for it is understood, and I shall make it a very strong dose that works quickly. I intend to do all I can to avoid unnecessary suffering.

  There has been, however, a change of plan.

  It was Mr Standish-Cave’s telephone call. He sounded nice. I don’t know what I had been expecting, but not such a concerned and pleasant person. He said he was ringing just to ask me to be very, very sure that there was nothing in the house that would remind his wife of babies. He was certain, really, that he had put all the baby things into the nursery and locked it, but just in case, would I go round and check before they arrived. I must have sounded surprised because he went on to explain. They had not been able to bring their baby home. He had died in hospital when he was five months old, after a number of operations. His wife had had a breakdown over it; that was why they had been abroad for so long. She was much better now, but frail, and he wanted her to be eased gradually back into things, not be reminded too suddenly of the previous terrible year. And, he was delighted to say, she was pregnant again. So I said oh, how lovely, now you have everything to look forward to. And he said yes, we feel so lucky. His voice grew slightly hoarse when he said that.

  You see? It changes everything. It’s one perfect chance. One perfect chance to get the important things right. A curled, waiting, perfect chance, and it’s theirs. When I think of all the messes and inadequacies we ha
ve been caught up in and have, no doubt, contributed to- there’s me and Mother and my real mother, Steph and her hopeless parents and her first baby, and Miranda, and then there’s Michael’s poor child-mother and kind, puzzled Beth and Barry and then there’s Sally treating Charlie like an encumbrance, and that husband who’s waltzed off to put other people’s lives right- I think, we got it spectacularly wrong, didn’t we? Somehow we got it all spectacularly wrong, and for the most part it wasn’t even our fault. And here in this house, we’ve been able to put so much right. It fills me with happiness that we have been able to do that. It redresses a balance.

  And that, surely, should be enough. I’m still tempted to think that we really could arrange matters so that everything goes on just as it is, and forever, but in the end, we are not greedy. We are not monsters. We made our own and our only perfect chance here in this house, and we took it, with whole hearts and together, and we lived it out, every moment. And with our hearts still full, and still together, we should leave others now to their perfect chance. The Standish-Caves might make wonderful parents, and they might not, but I think they should be allowed their perfect chance, too. The truth of it is that even before we came here, time was pretty much up for us all. There can be nothing good waiting for any of us beyond this. We seized our perfect chance at the last possible moment.

  Besides, how long would we have? How long before our lovely lives unravelled again? It would not take much; do the Standish-Caves not have parents, or other family, or friends? For how long would they be content to communicate by e-mail, even supposing we made no disastrous mistakes? How long before someone discovered that the Standish-Caves were not ‘abroad’, and came knocking on our door to find out where they really were? I’ve come to the conclusion that the world just will not go away. That’s all we want it to do, just go away and leave us in peace. But it won’t. It never does. It keeps at you, prodding and pricking till you’re demented, slicing at all your defences till you’d do anything just for a place to lie and gasp, and even if you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s just when you’re beginning to breathe normally that it comes after you again. The whole idea that we could keep the world away indefinitely was, of course, desperate. You can go ahead and call it mad if you like, I wouldn’t.