by Mira Bailee
“Then don’t let me hold you up.” He grabs his fork and digs into his lunch.
I turn to walk off, and immediately regret sounding snappy.
“How have you been?”
He wipes his mouth with a cloth napkin and looks up at me. His eyes evaluate my face and move down lower to my neck and lower to my chest and lower… “Same as usual.”
What’s that supposed to mean, same as usual? Same moody Devon? Same drug-using Devon?
“Have you heard from Lex again?” I want a sign, anything that can mean he’s thought about what happened and what’ll become of us.
“Nope. I assume she meant it when she said she wanted nothing to do with my family.” He gestures toward an empty chair in front of him. “Sit.”
I open my mouth to object, but since I’m here to meet with a complete stranger about who-knows-what, I think Natalia can wait. I sit down and look over to Maddie to make sure things are okay over there. I feel bad leaving her to entertain Natalia alone—wait, no I don’t. She pushed me into Devon’s lap. This is all her doing.
“So,” I say.
“So.”
My nails dig into my thigh as I try to make sense of all that’s changed between us. Who are we now? Do we still have a chance?
“Have you found a job yet?” he asks me.
The blue of his eyes shine in the sunlight, and I find myself mesmerized. Look away. I force my gaze to trail away from his eyes to the scruff on his cheek. Then I’m staring at his lips. Full and pink. Those lips feel so good against my skin. That mouth can do anything, from bringing me such intense pleasure to causing me so much pain.
I take a deep breath. I did the right thing by walking out on him. It’s clear we don’t hate each other—I could never hate him, but he took me seriously. I just have to give it time now.
“No, I haven’t found a job yet. I haven’t been looking that hard though, and I still have those voicemails from random event people calling me. I’ll get ahold of them. What about you?” Have you stopped doing drugs yet? “Things going alright for you?”
“Yeah. I’m just, you know, living day-by-day.” He looks around. “Hey, you want to get out of here?”
“What? No. I already told you. I have a meeting.” Which I should really get to.
“You were serious about that?”
Oh my god. Did he really think I was following him? “Yeah, I was serious.” I shake my head and stand up. “I’m glad you’re doing well.”
“I’d be doing better if I saw you more.”
Devon stands up, moving in close to me. Now there’s that familiar scent of his cologne that makes me want to melt into him.
“I told you things needed to…change,” I say. I second-guess every word, wanting to give in and let him take me somewhere, anywhere. But I can’t do that. “Call me when you’re ready to take that next step.”
I step around him and resist the urge to look back as I walk over to Maddie and Natalia. As I get closer, Natalia stands up.
“Olivia, hey!” She gives me a loose hug. “Thank you so much for meeting with me. If you need to talk to Devon, though, it’s fine. I don’t mind waiting. Your friend Maddie is so sweet, and—”
“We’re done.” I say it with too much force, and it sounds harsh in my own ears. “We’re done talking, that is.” I take a seat at the table with the girls. Picking up the menu, I use it to conceal my face as I peek over the top at Devon in time to see him paying for his meal and getting ready to leave. My heart aches. He’s so close. And he still wants me. What the hell am I doing? Does integrity really matter all that much? Of course it does.
I pick the first thing I see from the lunch options and set the menu down, focusing instead on the stranger who insisted on meeting with me.
“How do you know my brother?” I want to get right to the point.
Natalia smiles a wide, straight-toothed grin. “It requires a little more explanation than that. Otherwise, I just sound insane.”
I look at Maddie, who’s equally curious as we both wait for her to tell us what this is all about.
“Well, I work for a nonprofit organization called the YOUTHelp Foundation. We are committed to bringing the issues faced by teenagers into the spotlight: family problems, drug use, bullying, suicide.”
I nod slowly, feeling terrified and intrigued by what all this has to do with me.
A server stops by, pouring us water and taking our order. As promised, Natalia requests a bottle of wine before she continues her explanation. “YOUTHelp was founded by the acclaimed Rhyanne Phoenix. That means we have a number of connections to celebrities, investors, and other organizations and we bring in the most support—professional and financial—with our charity galas. Rhyanne tasked me with the job of picking our guests of honor, and I’d like you to be one.”
“Me?” This barely makes sense. My mind spins with questions, and I’m trying to pinpoint why the name Rhyanne Phoenix sounds familiar. But one question sticks out above the others. “Why me?”
“Because of what you went through with your brother—”
“And how do you know about him?” Having a stranger mention him…know my story. I clench my jaw tight, ready to defend my family.
“I’m embarrassed to say, but as you know, we had a long bus ride from Oregon back to here. I do a lot of research for the foundation, so when I spotted you on the bus, and you were so nice to me, I ended up doing a string of searches on my computer, learning about you and Devon, and somehow I ended up on an article from five years ago when…”
I don’t know whether to be weirded out or humbled. “So you want me to be a guest of honor because my gay brother was bullied to death?” Hearing the words come out of my mouth makes my stomach turn. Our server returns to the table with the wine, and he can’t pour it fast enough. I snatch my glass and gulp the sweet red merlot. “So what would I be expected to do?”
“Not much at all,” Natalia assures me. “We would do a short write-up of your story which would be included in the literature we hand to all the attendees. You might be mentioned in a speech, but you mostly just have to show up and be present.”
I check Maddie’s reaction. She’s been quiet all this time, and now she gives me a reassuring shrug to say I should consider it.
“You said celebrity gala though. I’m not a celebrity.”
“You don’t think so?” Natalia leans back into her chair. “You’ve been in the headlines with Devon. You two seem serious. I think the events from your adolescence combined with your very high-profile boyfriend make you a perfect guest of honor. There will be a Stone label artist performing, and Stone Records is one of our biggest sponsors, so really, you’re more perfect than any other guest.”
My very high-profile boyfriend… I look past Natalia to where Devon had been, only to find his seat empty and a bus boy wiping down the table. I can’t ignore the hollowness I feel now that he’s gone.
Back to Natalia, I say, “Thank you. But—but I don’t think it’s a good fit for me.”
Natalia sits forward. Her smile is still there, but she looks like she’s running through all her thoughts. “I know you’ve been through a lot. I lost my brother when I was twelve. I can’t say we’ll ever fully recover from it, but from me to you, honestly, it feels good when I get a chance to honor my brother. I think it would do you good to do the same.”
“But you mentioned Devon being the reason Olivia would be a suitable guest of honor,” Maddie says. It’s obvious she’s switched from Observant Maddie to Defensive Maddie. “Are you not aware that Devon and Olivia are no longer—”
“No. It’s fine.” I kick Maddie under the table. I don’t need my personal business being spread around. “Devon and I might not be in town when…when is this gala?”
“This weekend.” Natalia sits up straighter, looking more excited. “Saturday.”
“Oh. Is that enough time? I mean, I don’t have anything to wear. I don’t even know what to wear.”
“L
et me worry about all that. As a guest of honor, your presence is all that’s required. You and Devon will be the highlight of the evening.”
“Me and Devon?” Maybe I should’ve let Maddie break that bad news. “Can’t I just attend by myself?”
“Why would you want to? You’ll be the star. We’ll take care of everything you need. You’ll have Devon by your side, and you can bring anyone else you'd like too.” She glances over to Maddie. “You’ll be doing all this for Jared. Why not make it an incredible night? It’ll be like Cinderella, only you have no curfew.” She laughs at her own joke while I make a decision.
“Alright. Fine. I’m in.”
Natalia grabs her phone as soon as I give my answer and makes a call. I grab my wine just as quickly, draining the last of it.
“It’ll be fun,” Maddie says quietly, leaning in toward me. “You can do this.”
I can. I don’t have to worry about what I’ll wear or how I’ll look. I don’t have to worry about the actual events of the evening. I just have to worry about making Devon my date without sending him the wrong signals.
Go with me to this gala, but then we’re back on a break.
Be my sexy date, but don’t try taking advantage of the situation.
Let’s look like we’re in love while I feel like we’re in love. But we can’t be in love…Not yet anyway.
That last one is especially scary. Am I to that point now? I don’t want to be without Devon. I want us to make each other better. I want to spend every moment by his side. Am I in love with him?
After I’ve polished off most of the wine on my own and we’ve all finished our lunch, Natalia says goodbye, and Maddie and I return to her car. I collapse into the seat feeling like I’ve just had a root canal rather than a lunch meeting.
“I cannot bring Devon to this gala.” I rub my eyes, trying to think up a solution. My thoughts blur into one as my head spins from an unexpected afternoon buzz.
“Why? It’s for a good cause. You know he’ll go.”
“And how can you be so confident?”
“Really? Do I have to point out the obvious denial happening between you two?” She starts the car and heads back to the apartment. “I saw the way he looked at you. You know how thrilled he was when you fell into his lap? You’re welcome, by the way.”
“No, I’m not grateful for that awkward encounter. You know how tense it was? We couldn’t think of anything to say to each other. It’s like things might really be over.” I watch out the window, barely noticing the buildings and pedestrians. What if it is over? I can handle it. There are other men out there.
But I don’t want another man. I want him.
Maddie lets out a huff of air. “You two are perfect for each other. For whatever reason, you’re both holding back—”
“Because he needs to prove to me he can be a better man. I can’t be with someone who hides from reality.”
“Mhmm. And you really think this time apart is going to help him improve? He can’t fix himself if he sees no purpose.”
“Which is why I left. It’s why we’re on this break to begin with. And it’s why I can’t just waltz up to him and ask him to go with me to this gala.” And she thinks she has to point out the obvious.
“One look at you all dressed up for your guest of honor role, and he’ll drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness.”
I roll my eyes at the ludicrous image.
“Anyway, doesn’t it feel weird to be invited alongside other celebrities?”
Luckily, I know Maddie means no harm in this. Anyone else asking so bluntly, and I’d feel insulted. “It’s weird, yeah. But it’s normal. Like the free cupcake thing. Devon even said it would happen. Being with him will bring all sorts of perks, like job offers and free pastries.” I laugh.
“So then you don’t have a choice. You have to ask Devon to be your date.”
She’s right. But I have to do it carefully. I don’t want him to think everything’s better. Not until he cleans up.
“You think Dr. Shannon can give dating advice?”
Maddie gives me a weird look.
“I have an appointment with her this afternoon. Perfect timing, if you ask me.”
“I want to try something new with you today.” Dr. Shannon sits up straighter in her seat. Her blond hair is down today and barely reaches the shoulders of her blue jacket.
I’m too distracted by the events with Natalia to be in the mood for a new experiment. Everything’s been such a whirlwind lately with Devon and work and all the unanticipated surprises that have come along the way. My anxieties and dealing with Jared’s loss, both seem a little distanced and mundane, like it’s an issue someone else is dealing with.
“I want us to try hypnosis.”
“Hypnosis?” Is she serious? She’s been a great doctor who’s taken obvious care in pushing me and helping me cope, but carnival sideshow tricks are definitely not my style. “You’re joking, right? Is this today’s icebreaker?”
“Actually, hypnotherapy is a valid technique that can help bring up buried feelings and bring you clarity.”
Clarity. Now that seems nice. I raise an eyebrow and shrug. “Alright, if you think it can help, I’ll trust you.”
She has me lie down on the couch—maybe I’ll take a nap instead. I watch as she stands up and reaches toward her desk, pressing a button on a sound machine. The steady clicks of a metronome begin. Tick, tick, tick.
“All I want you to do right now is listen to the sound. Focus on each beat and let your mind wander.” She continues to talk in a low soothing voice, reminding me to relax and only focus on the sound. Tick, tick, tick.
She tells me to close my eyes if I want, but make sure I’m still listening. She tells me if an image pops into my mind, to hold it, evaluate it, see where it takes me. I’m tempted to laugh, but this really is relaxing.
After a minute—or maybe five—the rhythm seems to slow. I can’t tell if Dr. Shannon changed it or if it’s just because I’ve been listening long enough, but it feels like all of time has slowed down. The effect is mesmerizing, and as I sink further into this time-warp feeling, an image does appear in my mind.
A hospital bed.
For a second it’s empty, but then I see Jared’s frail, beaten body covered up to his shoulders in an itchy blanket. He looks like he could be asleep—maybe he is. But he stayed that way for days before he left us for good.
“I’m so sorry Jared.” I place a hand on his chest and then find where his hand rests below the blanket. I grip it with my own. He doesn’t move.
If I’d been on time. If I’d stuck up for him. If I’d forced my parents to take him seriously.
I’d been so angry with mom and dad after. They denied all the supposed rumors about him being gay. They never stopped to accept Jared for who he was or considered what would’ve been best for him. They told him to deal with the bullies himself. They argued with the press when they referenced Jared as homosexual. They never did anything before or after his death to help him.
Neither had I…
Tick, tick, tick.
And then silence.
I open my eyes. Like a TV being shut off, the memory simply stops.
“When you’re ready, I want you to tell me what you saw, if anything. Even if it was silly or seemingly non-consequential. Let’s talk about the symbolism and potential meanings behind—”
“I’ve been blaming my parents for Jared dying in vain. But I’m to blame too.” I sit up and rub the back of my neck. “When I was still a teenager, it was easy to think I couldn’t make a difference, but I’m an adult now. I can’t blame others for my inaction. I don’t think I can blame them for my other issues either.”
Dr. Shannon nods slowly. “Good, good. This is great, Olivia. Let’s dig deeper into these revelations. Want to do another round with the hypnosis?”
It’s my choice this time. I could just thank her and leave for the day. But my body feels lighter. I actually feel excited. “Yeah, let
’s try.”
It takes several minutes to find my focus again now that my mind feels awakened. As time slows like it had before, I see a bed again. Tick, tick.
This time, Devon’s bed.
I’m in my purple dress with my head on his chest. This is that disappointing night after the party at the Stone mansion, when I divulged too much personal information that left me crying instead of kissing him. After he’d comforted me, I stayed there, listening to the sound of his reassuring heartbeat and savoring every rise and fall of his chest. Eventually, I fell asleep, and that was the end of it.
“You’re amazing, you know that?” Devon’s voice is hardly above a whisper.
I don’t remember him saying that, but I feel myself smiling at his words, whether they’re a memory or a fantasy.
“You’re unpredictable and charming,” he confesses as I drift off to sleep. “Stubborn and guarded and undeniably sexy.”
I wish I knew whether these words were really his or those I’m making up in my mind right now.
His fingers graze my back in a slow circle. “Are you sleeping?”
I don’t answer. Tick, tick. If this really happened, I’m certain I’d been too close to falling asleep to be able to speak anyway.
“Good,” Devon says, “because I couldn’t tell you this otherwise. You aren’t like any other woman I’ve met. You caught me off guard, and now I don’t want to let you go. You’re the kind of girl I can see myself being with…for good. It’s too soon for you to know all this. But from my lips to your sleeping ears, I really hope this works. I’ll make sure it does.”
Tick. Silence again.
I stare up at the ceiling catching my breath. My cheeks warm at Devon’s confessions, and I hold onto every word, hoping it really happened. Even if it wasn’t real, my body doesn’t seem to know it. My unsteady heartbeat thumps as my veins seem to be pushing fire through my body. Every inch of me wants to run to Devon. Wants to leap onto him and kiss him, to tell him we’ll work through it all together.