“Why the hell would—”
“Katie!” Jay hissed at her language, and she struggled to rein in the flood of rage that had rapidly bubbled to the surface of her heartbreak. Rarely did she ever use anything remotely close to foul language in front of Mason, and she exhaled deeply, casting a withered look in her son’s direction.
“Mason, if you’re done with your cereal, would it be okay if you went into your room for a little bit so I can talk to your Dad alone?” She hated to banish him to his room and keep him in the dark, but she was afraid she was going to lose her mind, and she’d be damned if she wanted that to happen in front of him.
A dramatic sigh sounded from him, but he relented. “I’ll go out and check on the chickens. Then I can pack for our trip?”
“We’ll see, Mase.” Katie knew then that Jay had undoubtedly advised their son that this trip to Nashville was a done deal, but she wasn’t nearly as keen to make promises to him that she couldn’t keep. She watched his eyes flicker toward his father, then he retreated outside, remaining in the mudroom only long enough to tuck his pajama bottoms into his rubber boots. He sighed loudly again just as the screen door banged shut behind him.
“Katie—”
She whirled around. “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, Jay, but I’m—”
“I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry. So sorry for what you’ve gone through. What I’ve put you through.”
Katie hadn’t seen that coming, but she scoffed nonetheless. “It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?”
“I’m hoping that’s not the case.”
She watched him stand and step toward her hesitantly, as though weighing whether or not it was safe to close the distance between them. She set her untouched coffee on the table and took a step back, holding her hands up. “Jay, you and I... I’m not...” Katie gave up trying to speak. Sentences weren’t forming properly in her reeling mind. Thankfully, Jay had stopped where he was, holding his own hands up in a sort of surrendering gesture.
“I know I hurt you. And Mason, too. I get that. But I want to make things right, Katie. For you and I. For our son.”
His eyes never left hers, holding her in place. Katie wanted to look away—hell, her brain was screaming at her to avert her gaze—but she just stared at him, struggling to comprehend what was happening. “After everything you’ve—”
“Katie.” Jay’s tone was more assertive this time, and she flinched slightly from the contrast between the weakness in her own voice and the confidence in his. “I’ve made mistakes, I know that. Let me try to fix this.” He held his hand out toward her tentatively.
Katie stared unblinking at his fingertips, seeing each of them as though they were foreign to her. In the silence, she could hear only her own heartbeat, loud and obnoxious as it pounded in her ears. Suddenly, she snapped her head up and met her ex-fiancé’s gaze, clarity rushing through her in strong, bold waves.
“Liz left you.”
For the first time since she’d entered the kitchen in a sleepy stupor this morning, Katie saw Jay wilt. Uncertainty lined his face, and he slowly retracted his outstretched hand. After a moment, he nodded solemnly.
“She did. It seems that she and Chad—”
“You don’t need to tell me. I know all about her and Chad.” Immediately, Katie regretted the disdain that coated her words, but the mention of Chad’s name had lit a fire inside her, bringing on a new wave of bitterness. “So, Liz chose him, and that’s why you’ve come back to me? I’m a consolation prize of sorts?”
“God, no, Katie. Liz and I... breaking it off has been coming for a while. I’ve never been able to stop talking about you, and she—I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I know I have. Please, let me fix this.” Jay reached his hand out to her again, this time letting his fingertips rest tenderly on her arm. He didn’t pull her to him or make any move to get closer to her, and Katie was thankful for that. The air was thick enough as she tried to breathe normally; she wasn’t sure there was enough of it to share.
“I know I’ve hurt you—” Jay’s voice was softer again, but Katie was still teetering on the edge of anger and pain.
“You’ve got no idea, Jay. What you did to me—”
“It’ll take time, I know that, but—”
“Time?” Katie spat out, staring at Jay incredulously. “You think I’ll just get over it eventually? The fact that you left me after my father died? You abandoned us, Jay! For someone else, for God’s sake!” She was yelling now, but she no longer cared. She couldn’t hold it in any longer—the outrage, the hurt, and the disbelief were erupting from her in an uncontrollable influx.
Jay’s eyes bore into hers, seeming to look at her for the first time. Things obviously weren’t turning out as planned. “Katie,” he exhaled. “I’m sorry—”
“You’re sorry? You stroll back in here after months of being gone, with someone else—someone I had to find out about from our son, no less—and you think that sorry is going to make it all better? You think I’m going to let you continue to hurt me the way I’ve been hurting? You really think I’m—”
“I know Chad hurt you, too,” Jay interjected loudly, grabbing hold of Katie’s arms sternly to gain her full attention. “And I’m so sorry for that.”
Hearing his name again caused a lump to form in her throat, and Katie wasn’t sure she could handle the emotions that were threatening to capsize her rational mind.
“We can fix this, Katie,” Jay whispered once she grew quiet. “Us; we’ll fix it. I’ll do everything I can to fix what’s broken.”
She didn’t want to think of herself as broken, but it was brokenness that she’d felt after he had left her. She didn’t want to feel the pain anymore that she’d been left with after she’d been abandoned by him, and she sure as hell didn’t want to keep company with the emptiness that had overtaken her since the truth about Chad had surfaced. She didn’t want to be alone anymore; nobody deserved that kind of desolate life.
“I don’t want to be like this anymore.” Katie choked the words out, and only she was aware that she’d never meant to voice them out loud.
Jay took her statement as a permission to come closer, immediately enveloping her in his arms and tucking her into him, his chin resting atop her head. “I’m going to fix this, Katie. I swear it.” His promise came out as a breathy whisper, and Katie half-heartedly struggled to push away from his body.
“I can’t—”
Jay held his finger up against her lips, basking the room in silence once again. “We’ll fix this, Katie.” He ducked his head slightly to peer into her eyes, his gaze flitting over her tired features.
“No—” Katie tried again to renounce his advances, but her voice seemed to mimic the weakness her body was succumbing to as well.
“For Mason, okay?” Jay’s hands lifted to cup her face, and her eyes widened slightly at the mention of her son. “He needs his father, Katie. We’ve got to do what’s best for Mason, Katie. Please.”
“You don’t—”
“You want what’s best for him, right? I do, too, Katie.”
What’s best for Mason. In the silence that ensued, Katie felt as though everything had come to a crashing halt—the world had stopped spinning, time has stopped ticking by, and the mangled remnants of her heart had stopped beating. There was only room left inside her to truly love one person, and it was her son. She may have loathed Jay for being right in that Mason needed his father around, but Katie was thoroughly disgusted with herself when she finally nodded in defeat and let the tears swell over her eyelids.
Jay exhaled, an earnest grin of victory claiming his features. “We’ll be a family again, Katie. You, me, and Mason.” He squeezed her tighter to him, and Katie fleetingly wondered if she was only still standing because he was holding her upright.
Mason, she thought. I promised I would do anything for him, to protect him. Though Jay’s arms were wrapped around her and his words were c
onsoling and full of hope, Katie realized then that she’d possibly never felt more alone and damaged in her life.
Chapter Thirty-One
CHAD
There was nothing worse than being mocked by the weather. As the drops of rain pelted from the thick blanket of clouds overhead, Chad knew that each dreary second of the storm was only mimicking the bleakness and monotony that he was feeling. He had contemplated driving to the hotel on the outskirts of town to escape the cramped confinement of his truck cab, but in the end, it just didn’t matter enough to him. Instead, the rain pounded rhythmically against the windshield all around him in an attempt to drown out the wretched thoughts that floated repetitively through his mind.
If that were possible, Chad would welcome the reprieve. Unfortunately, not even the darkest of clouds or hardest of rainfall was going to be able to match the despondency that Chad was immersed in. If he’d been a drinking man like the ones in all those country songs he’d sung, he’d be glad to be inebriated in a smoky bar somewhere. However, he knew all too well that a temporary fix like that only helped as long as the song was playing. After the last chord, a man like that was still drunk... and still alone.
Only thirty minutes ago, he had mustered up enough nerve to dial Katie’s phone number. He’d only been rewarded with the repeated ringing on the other end, though. Deflated and disheartened, he’d hung up and turned the phone off. All he had to do was steer his truck along the five minutes’ worth of road and go talk to her.
But he couldn’t.
He’d hurt her enough, on more than one occasion, and he owed it to her to stop the cycle. The poor woman had been through enough before he had wandered onto her property; his antics had only added to her pain and suffering.
Go back to Nashville, he instructed himself. There’s nothing left here for you. Hell, if he were honest with himself, there had been nothing left for him there when he’d returned after Liz left him. He should have known better.
It was time. He wasn’t as thrilled about it as he knew he should be, but he knew there was a life he had to get back to, even if it was one that he wasn’t quite certain he wanted anymore. It was time to go home to the only home he had left. At this point, the pain in that city—the hurting he’d run from—was far less agonizing than the one that he was harboring here and now.
The thing was, he couldn’t bring himself to just leave. As he watched the rain splattering against the driver’s side window, he realized that leaving without saying goodbye to Katie—to Mason, too—the thought of it made him feel like a coward. Katie might consider him a liar by omission, but if her remembrance of him was that he was gutless...
He couldn’t handle that.
Damn it, why did he have to leave her at all? He slammed the steering wheel with the palms of his hands, his pent-up frustration getting the best of him.
“One last chance,” he whispered to himself, and the statement sounded loud as it hung in the silence of the truck cab. He had to see her once more, had to try to explain once more. After that, if she couldn’t stand the sight of him or told him to steer his truck toward the border and not look back, he’d do as she asked.
One last chance, he chanted again and again in his mind as he turned the key in the ignition and pointed the truck towards Rustic Acres.
***
Chad ducked his head as he headed for the porch steps, letting the rain pour off the beak of his ball cap. He pulled it from his head once he was under the eave, shaking the droplets from it before he put it back on. When his gaze landed on the bonfire pit and the obvious wood that had been recently dragged up close to it, his chest clenched with the flicker of hope that ignited within him. He exhaled, steadying himself for whatever lay beyond the screen door, and he knocked. Each of the three raps on the door seemed to reverberate through the seemingly soundless house. When Katie pulled opened the door, her eyes widened as she registered his presence.
“I just need a moment of your time, Katie.” Chad held up his hands, deciding to just throw caution to the wind and proceed straight to begging for her to listen. “Please.”
Hesitation flickered in her eyes, and Katie held the door in her hand, not stepping aside to allow him inside. The tense silence that ensued caused Chad’s throat to constrict, and he wondered idly if he should speak again.
“Mason, I just have to run outside for a second. I’ll be right back,” she called out, never letting her eyes leave his. Quickly, she brushed past him and closed the door. Chad wanted to believe it was so the rain didn’t splatter into the mudroom, but his instincts told him she was trying to prevent Mason from realizing he was there.
“I’ve only got a few minutes to spare, Chad.”
Her tone was so restrained, so short, he struggled with how to reply. “I know you’re busy, Katie. I just needed to see you.” He watched her carefully, but there was no emotion to be seen as she took a seat in one of the Adirondack chairs under the shelter of the eave, her gaze set somewhere out beyond the torrent of rain. She seemed to relax into the chair momentarily, then sat up straight and turned to him.
“Wait, do I still owe you money for working here? My scattered mind—I totally forgot...” Katie stood and headed back toward the door, but Chad reached out for her arm, catching her by the wrist. She turned back toward him instantly, her eyes on his clasped fingers against her skin. Chad loosened his grasp immediately.
“Katie, I don’t want your money,” he announced in a low, pleading voice. “I want you.”
The flicker of hope within him swelled at the clear uncertainty that masked her face. Maybe the last couple days had been enough to ease how appalled by him she’d been. His fingertips lingered on her wrist, and he brushed his thumb across the underside of her wrist, coaxing her to respond in some way, to understand just how much she meant to him.
“I...I...” Katie stuttered softly, and he let her.
“I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that I lied to you, Katie,” he continued on, filling the silence with all the things he should have told her ages ago. “I need you to know that I never meant to hurt you, that I never intentionally said or did anything to hurt you. I might be Chad Ashton to all those people in Nashville, Katie, but I’m Chad Kirkwood when I’m with you. I’m me when I’m with you, not some puppet on a string who sings songs for a living and puts a smile on my face for the sake of being in the public eye. That’s just my job, not who I am. I should’ve told you, and I know that.” He ducked to look up into her eyes, her face lowered toward the floor. He recognized the weak shake of her head and the glistening of tears that were brimming in her eyes, but he continued to confess, petrified that if Katie chose to speak instead, he may not have the chance to tell her everything he needed to.
“I swear, Katie, I had no idea that Liz had left me to be with your fiancé. I knew the name Jonathan, but I couldn’t have known that your Jay and the Jonathan I’d heard of were one and the same. It’s one big, nasty coincidence. Nashville is small in some ways, but huge in others. I’d never actually met him prior to being here; I’d only ever heard his name in passing. I’m not even sure I remember a J.J. Khunes from my teenage years... when Liz lived here. I was just as shocked as you were when I saw Liz with Jay at Mason’s party. And I’m so sorry you had to find out that way.”
“Liz...” Katie whispered, and Chad knew what she was attempting to ask.
“There is no Liz and I, Katie. I know what you think you walked in on, but whatever there was between Liz and me, it’s been gone for a while.”
Katie’s tears were leaving wet streaks down her cheeks, and Chad stooped onto one knee, reaching up to brush the tears away with the pad of his thumb. He swallowed hard, hating to see her flooded with so much emotion but relieved to see the cracks in her hardened exterior.
“We both know I have to go back to Nashville, Katie.” Chad softened his voice, tucking his index finger under her chin to make her meet his gaze. “But we can start over. You and Mason can come with me, if y
ou want. I can spend time here with you every chance I get. My manager and producer—well, they’ll get used to it.” He offered her an encouraging smile. “I can’t lose you, Katie. I want to be with you, no matter what it takes. I’d give it all up—everything in Nashville—if you asked me to. If it meant I got to see you every day, it would be worth it, Katie.”
“I could never ask that of you.” Her voice cracked, and Chad watched as she pulled away from him, wiping the tears off her face indignantly.
Chad stepped toward her again, setting his hands gently on her hips as he came up behind her. “Maybe not, but I need you to know that I would. You mean that much to me, Katie.”
He heard a sob escape her lips, and though she kept her face turned away from him, he could feel each time her chest heaved. She was crying again, quietly and relentlessly.
“I can’t go with you...” she choked out, shaking her head violently.
Chad slid his arms further around her waist, hugging her tightly to him. “Whatever we need to do to make it—”
“Jay has—”
“You don’t need to worry about, Jay. Just say you’ll give me a chance, Katie. Give us a chance.”
She turned around in his arms then, her face wet with tears. Her eyes were reddened and wide, and her lip trembled enough to make Chad’s chest tighten fiercely. Her eyes seemed to be searching his face, darting from his eyes to his mouth, from his jaw to his stubbled cheeks.
“I’m sorry, Chad,” she said finally, her eyes lowering to the ground again. “I can’t do that.”
He felt her take a half-hearted step away from him, but Chad held her in place, unable to bear having her beyond arm’s reach. “I know it’s hard, Katie—”
“Chad—”
“Whatever reservations you have—”
“Chad, stop!” Katie’s exasperated voice quieted him, and he felt her fingers clutch his arms as she struggled to keep the distance between them. “Jay and I are... trying to make things work.”
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