by Beck, J. L.
She doesn’t trust me and of course she is right not to, God knows I’ve broken her trust in ways I’m not ready to tell her.
“So where does that leave us?” she asks before I can muster up a response to her previous question. Sucking in a deep breath, I let her sweet vanilla scent waft into my nose while I think of what to say to her.
Where does that leave us?
I feel like my brain has just been run through a blender. What can I say or do to make her understand how serious I am about fixing this?
I wish I could guarantee that the person she’s seen the last few weeks won't reappear ever again, but how could I possibly promise that? It’s not like I can flip a switch and turn that part of me off. I’ve lived this way for three years and as much as I want everything to just go back to the way it was…the way we were, I know it’s an unrealistic thought.
Still, I’m not going to give up on her, on us. We’ve both changed, but that doesn’t mean the feelings between us have, last night being evidence of that.
By the time I park in front of her place, I still haven't come up with anything to say.
“I’ll see you at class, okay?” There’s a dismal look in her eyes as she opens the passenger side door and gets out. I want to give her all the answers she seeks, but I just… I can’t.
I don’t know what to do yet.
“Jules…wait, can we talk after class?”
She pokes her head back into the car for a moment. “Sure,” she tells me with a little smile on her lips, before closing the car door and jogging up to her front door. I watch her ass sway in her tight jeans as she walks away from me.
Friends?
I don’t know if I can be just her friend and hold on to my sanity.
I want her…all of her.
Making a pit stop at the frat house to get my own books for class, I climb up the stairs, grab my shit and walk out, I’m nearing the door when Thomas stops me in the kitchen.
“Hey Rem, have you seen Cole?” Just hearing his name makes me murderous.
“No, man, no clue what’s going on with him.” I try to keep my voice even. Hiding the anger within me. I’ve got a pretty good idea where he is and I definitely know why he hasn’t shown his face around here, but I don't want to share that information for a plethora of reasons.
“I’ve got to get to class, catch up with you later?”
Thomas gives me a nod, and I rush out before he can ask me any other questions that I don’t want to answer. I start my walk across campus and to English class. When I pass the coffee shop on the corner, I check my phone for the time and decide it’d be worth arriving late to class for. I order my usual and before I even realize what I’m doing, I’m ordering something for Jules too. When I walk into the classroom, most of the other students are already in their seats, even though class hasn’t started yet.
Overachievers.
Walking to the back of the class where Jules is already writing who knows what in her notebook. She’s still a total nerd and if I had to guess I’d say she has her schoolwork color-coded and alphabetized. My eyes roam over the rest of the room and right behind her sits Layla, smiling seductively while batting her eyelashes at me. Her gaze drops to the two coffee cups in my hand, her smile widening.
She probably thinks one of them is for her. Tough shit, like I would buy her coffee. Walking over to Jules’ row, I stop at the seat beside her. There’s a guy sitting next to her, a guy I don’t know, nor do I care to know.
“Hey, find somewhere else to sit,” I order him.
He looks up at me in shock, ready to complain or maybe even tell me off, but after a few seconds he just gets up, mumbling something under his breath.
That’s what I thought.
Plopping down into the seat next to her, I look over to find her staring at me. Her nose snarled upward in distaste. Cute. Cute as fuck.
“What are you doing? You can’t just make people move, Remmy.”
“Looks like I just did.” I chuckle.
Jules stares at me expressionless and I decide to change the subject.
“I brought you a drink.” I grin, holding the hot paper cup out to her. She glances at the cup and then back up to my face.
“I don’t like coffee,” she announces like I don’t already know that.
“I know.” I roll my eyes at her. As if I didn’t know that she hates coffee. Best friends since we were five and she thinks I could just forget the simplest things about her.
“It’s hot chocolate.”
“Oh, well… thank you.” She beams, taking the cup from my hand, bringing it to her lips. She takes a small sip, and a cheesy smile starts to form on her lips, her eyes twinkling with joy.
A moment later she says, “You had them add cinnamon…I can’t believe you remember that.”
This girl. I swear.
“You think I would ever forget ten-year-old you stomping your foot and yelling at your mom for not putting cinnamon in your hot chocolate?”
“I think you just remember that everyone was laughing because I was pronouncing it cimmanin.”
“That too, but it wasn’t like I was trying to make fun of you,” I lie, because I totally was trying to make fun of her.
She gives me a disbelieving look, “You’re still bad at lying, Remmy.”
“Is that so?” I lift a brow, enjoying the light banter between us. This I miss. The conversations, the memories, always having that someone to lean on when you need them most.
“Rem,” Layla calls behind us, and just like that, the perfect balloon sheltering us from the rest of the world pops. The smile on Jules’ face falls, and she turns so she’s facing forward and away from me.
Fuck you, Layla. For once in my damn life, I wish I wasn’t such a fucking manwhore. I know Jules is uncomfortable sitting beside me with Layla behind us, probably because she knows we’ve fucked, and she’s more than likely comparing herself to her when there is no comparing her to anyone.
Jules is Jules. Layla’s just another chick I used to try and rid the memory of the one and only person I ever loved.
“Layla,” I greet her coldly.
“Why don’t you come sit beside me?” she whines.
“I’m talking to Jules.”
“Whatever…” she huffs, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder. Thankfully she doesn’t say anything else to me. Class seems to drone on for what seems like hours. Jules remains facing forward, not even looking at me once.
Gritting my teeth in frustration, I try to figure out how to make this easier for her. I’ve fucked a lot of girls, and the last thing I want is to upset her, but I can’t change the things I’ve done in my past. I was hurting and using my body to get over that pain was the easiest thing I could do.
When the professor finally excuses us, all I want to do is drag Jules somewhere where we can be alone and talk. I feel jittery, my knee bouncing up and down before I jump up from my seat. I wait patiently while Jules gathers her stuff. I’m about to ask her to come home with me when Layla positions herself in front of us with her hands on her hips.
Saying a silent prayer, I hope like hell she keeps her fucking mouth shut…but of course, as soon as I think it, her mouth opens.
“I see you found yourself a new lay for this week, Rem.” Her tone tells me she’s jealous, and if she was a guy, I would slug her right in the fucking face, but she’s not, so I just stand there watching the train wreck in slow motion. When she turns cattiness on Jules, I almost lose it. My fists clenched so tightly I might pull a muscle.
“Layla…” I warn, but she ignores me, her eyes bleeding into Jules. What the fuck was I thinking letting this bitch touch me?
“Don’t get too attached, he’ll come back to me when he needs his dick sucked good, you don't look like the kind who knows what he likes.” Layla slaps her glossy lips together.
Before I even realize it, Jules is pushing past Layla. Reaching for her, I try and grab onto her arm to stop her, but like always, she slips
through my fingers.
“You fucking bitch,” I spit in Layla’s face. “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t talk to her again. Unlike you, she’s a permanent fixture in my life.” I don’t waste any more words on Layla and instead, take off running after Jules.
Jogging out the door, my heart thumps loudly in my chest. The thought of losing Jules because of someone like Layla takes root in my mind. I can’t lose her, not when I just got her back. I spot her up ahead, her booted feet pounding against the pavement angrily.
“Jules,” I call out to her, running a little faster to catch up.
“No...don’t…” I can see her shaking her head, but I don’t care if she doesn’t want to see me or talk to me. I belong to her...and she belongs to me, we don’t have to admit it to each other, but we both know it’s true. Once close enough, I reach out and grab onto her shoulder, turning her around, and pulling her into my chest so she can’t escape me. My chest heaves, my lungs burning from chasing her, and the simmering of my building temper over Layla’s remarks.
“Just go back to her…go let her suck your…” She trails off and I smile, almost chuckle because she can’t even say it.
“She’s nothing, Jules, nothing.” She struggles in my arms. “And I’m not letting you go just so you can walk away from me thinking something ridiculous.”
“I can’t do this, Rem. You’ve been with a lot of women, and most of them are here at this school. I’ve never even kissed anyone besides you.” She’s scared. Afraid. The sadness in her voice makes me wish I had the strength to punch myself in the junk. Why did I think with nothing more than my dick for so long?
“Look, I didn’t know you would come back to me. Had I known, I’d still be a virgin too, and you would be my first. I know I can’t take back the things I’ve done, but I won’t skip out on you. I don’t want anyone but you, you’re all that I want. Your inexperience doesn’t mean shit to me. In fact, it makes me want you more.”
Her hands grip onto my t-shirt, pulling me closer instead of pushing me away.
“You don’t mean that…” She’s mumbling and I won’t have it. I won’t let her think that she’s less than any of the girls here not when the truth is the opposite. She is so much more. Tipping her chin up, I force her to look at me.
“I only want you, Jules. Only you. I don’t want Layla or any other person in the entire fucking world. I. Want. You.”
Tears swim in her gaze, and she nods her head as if she accepts what I’m saying, but I’m not stupid. It won’t be that easy for her to move on from this. I’ve got a reputation and there is bound to be more issues like the one that occurred with Layla today.
“I’ve got to go,” she whispers, trying to pull away.
“Come home with me,” I beg with my eyes.
“No. You can’t be just friends, and I can’t be in a relationship with you, so until we figure out what we are, we should probably keep some distance between us.” Her response isn’t what I want to hear, but I understand. Releasing her even though it kills me, I take a step backward.
“Whatever you want, Jules. I’ll give you whatever you want, but you can’t leave me. I won’t make it through losing you again.”
Dropping her arms down to her sides, she looks up at me one last time. “I’ll see you later, Remmy.” And then she turns and walks away, leaving me standing there with my heart in my hands, wondering how I’m going to make the only person that I ever really loved trust me again.
16
Jules
“Whatever you want, Jules. I’ll give you whatever you want, but you can’t leave me. I won’t make it through losing you again.” Remington’s words haunt me, whispering in my ear, making me feel a rush of feelings I never thought I would feel toward him again. I won’t hurt him again, but I also won’t allow myself to get swept up in all the emotions I’m feeling.
Remington still hurt me, he still said horrible things, and though he apologized, and I understand why he did and said the things he did...I can’t just shut off those feelings. I can’t just act like he wasn’t a complete asshole to me.
Forgiving is easy, forgetting is something I can’t do. I think about this all day, how Layla talked to me after class, how Remington’s reputation will always be what it is. How people will always look at me when they see me with him.
How can we be whole again?
Last night was amazing, waking up in his arms, even more amazing, but losing myself inside him, that’s a fear only I can truly feel. I walk to my last class of the day, secretly wanting to skip it but knowing I shouldn’t. As soon as I enter the room, I realize that this is the same class I share with Cole.
Fuck. My gaze sweeps around the room for him. He’s nowhere in sight, but that doesn’t mean he won’t show up soon, class doesn’t start for another five minutes.
A shiver of fear makes its way up my spine as I force myself to take my usual seat. Maybe he won’t show up? I was so caught up in my own thoughts, in my thoughts about Remmy, that I failed to remember my one class with Cole. Remmy said that Cole doesn’t live at the frat house anymore, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to stop coming to classes.
There’s a sticky sick feeling that coats my insides as I watch the door like a hawk. I’m waiting for the moment he shows his face so that I can bolt. I don’t want to be in the same room with him ever again. When the professor comes in and starts class, the dreadful feeling in my gut lessens. Maybe he just left school altogether. The more we get into the class, the calmer I start to feel and the more convinced I become that he's not coming back.
After class, I gather my stuff and head outside. I should call Cally and ask her to grab some dinner with me. It’s been awhile since we talked and I want to catch up. I’m completely lost in thought as I walk outside and down the small path behind the building.
I don’t come back to the current reality until I crash into another body. I go to mutter a sorry but lift my gaze just in time to see who it is. My lungs cease to work as my heart kicks into overdrive. The fear that’s been simmering within me the last few days rises to the surface. I’m frozen, suspended in time like a deer seconds away from being hit by a car.
“Hey Jules,” Cole says casually, like he didn’t try and rape me the other night. Taking in his features, I see that Remington got him good. His face is covered in big purple bruises, one eye is swollen closed and his nose is crooked.
Taking a step back, I try to put some distance between us, but he just takes another step forward. My stomach churns. The next step I try to take, he stops me, his hand grabbing onto my wrist, his touch rough, searing into my skin like fire.
“Let go of me,” I order, my voice much weaker sounding than I want it to. I want to be strong, I want to be able to kick and hit him and get away, but his hands are wrapped around my wrists like iron shackles. I still try to escape though. I try to kick him, but he shoves me against the wall of the building, knocking the little bit of air that was left inside my lungs out of me.
“Don’t be like that, we both know you want this.” He grins through his busted lip.
No, I don’t! I don’t want any of this, I never wanted him.
“Let go, or I’ll scream and this time you won’t get away with hurting me,” I whimper, unsure if I would even be able to muster up a scream. I’m terrified. It feels like I’m reliving the nightmare that appears in my dreams each night.
“Scream… please scream, I like it when they scream. It makes my cock hard.”
He leans into me, and I’m seconds away from puking, bile rising in my throat. I glance around, praying for someone to walk around the corner. But there’s no one to save me, no Remington. It’s just me and the sick bastard in front of me and I know I have to do something.
His fingers dig into my skin with bruising force and a small cry passes my lips.
“You feel that, the pain? That’s how my face feels but a hundred times worse, and all because of stupid fucking Remington,” he seethes. “You
’re a fucking cock tease, crying wolf, after you pawed at me all night, you practically begged me to fuck you, and then when it came time to follow through, you fucking tried to run…because of you, I had to move to the dorms…a fucking junior in the dorms.” His tone grows darker and darker, his hold on my wrists beyond painful now. My lungs burn as I forget to breathe.
“Please...I didn’t mean to…” Another cry of pain passes my lips when he twists my wrists, shoving them against my chest, making it hard for me to breathe, hard for me to do anything but feel paralyzing fear.
“You think I’m so bad? You should hear about the things your white knight has done? The girls he’s fucked, the people he’s hurt. He’s no better than me.” He curls his lips, rage burning in his eyes.
“Please, I don’t care about him….” Tears sting my eyes, and I feel so weak, so fucking weak, and I hate it. I don’t want to be helpless. I want to be strong. I want to save myself from the monster in front of me.
“I liked you, Jules. I really fucking did,” he sneers, leaning into my face, his lips graze mine, and I press them together refusing to kiss him.
“I’d rather die than kiss you,” I growl, somehow finding the courage to speak.
He smiles and it’s downright frightening, I feel light headed, sick to my stomach. I let out a sigh when he releases my wrists, but my relief is short-lived because he grabs me by the chin in the next instant, slamming my head back against the wall. Pain lances across the back of my head and I choke on a sob.
“You’re going to make this right. Tell him it was nothing more than a miscommunication. Do you understand me? Tell him that you wanted it.”
When I don’t say anything, he let’s go of my chin and grabs me by the shoulders, giving me a hard shake. My head bounces off the brick wall.