by Beck, J. L.
“Tell me you’ll do it, Jules, tell me you’ll tell him it was a lie.” The air is thick, making it hard to breathe. He shakes me again and I’m afraid I might pass out.
Gulping air into my lungs like a fish out of water, I nod my head. As soon as I do this, he slams his lips down onto mine. No. Shaking my head, I claw at his face and open my mouth, sinking my teeth into his bottom lip.
He finally pushes off of me and I don’t miss my chance, my body springing into motion before my brain does. I run past him as far and fast as I can. The coppery tang of his blood is on my lips and in my mouth only making the sick feeling in my stomach worse.
I’ve never been a great runner, but today I could run a marathon. My lungs burn, my muscles ache, but I don’t stop, and I don’t dare look back. I don’t even slow down until I reach the door of my house. Frantically I unlock the door and hurry inside, slamming it closed behind me, I turn the lock into place. But even the sound of the lock turning doesn’t make me feel safe, not really.
Slumping down to the floor next to the door, I wish Cally and Bridget were here while just as equally being glad that they are not. I don’t want to talk about this…not about any of it. All I want is to forget about what happened and for Cole to leave me alone.
After a few minutes, I force myself to get up and go into my room. I take a hot shower hoping I can wash away the feeling of his touch on my skin. Unfortunately, no amount of soap or water could do that. The memory of that night is ingrained in my mind, no matter how hard I try and forget it. Unable to hold myself together, I sob quietly into the spray of water.
I never should’ve come here...first everything with Remington, and now Cole. I should have known better. I swipe at the tears, willing myself to stop crying. I’m stronger than this. When I’m finished, I dry off and lock myself in my room. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I think about calling Seb, but when I imagine telling him what happened, I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone. I don’t want to relive this, I just want it to stop.
I want Cole to go away, his memory to disappear. I think about calling Remmy, but I don’t even have his number and even if I had it, I’m not sure I could bring myself to tell him either. Seeing how he reacted that night, I’m afraid to see what he would do now.
How far would he go? I can't have that on my conscience. The easiest thing is to just leave it alone. Maybe I can see about switching classes? I take a couple calming breaths to stop myself from having a full-on panic attack then I get dressed and sit down at my little desk, gazing down at all my homework.
Only after I’ve been staring at it for what feels like an hour, do I admit to myself that I can’t do any of it right now. My mind is too full to concentrate on math and bio.
I let my head fall onto the desk and close my eyes trying to clear my mind, I think about anything else that will come to mind, chocolate cake, my brother, Remington, but nothing helps.
All I see is Cole above me, his lust filled gaze piercing mine. All I feel are his hands on my skin...his finger biting into my flesh. It feels like I’m suffocating, the fear of the unknown crippling me. For hours, I sit on my bed, crying, wishing I could turn back time and change what happened. I hear Cally and Bridget walking around the house, talking to each other but I don’t go out to see them.
There’s no way I could handle seeing them right now, not without breaking down and telling them what happened. So instead I stay barricaded in my room...attempting to ignore their presence altogether.
It grows harder and harder to do and I almost break down when Cally knocks on my bedroom door to ask if I’m hungry. I bite my tongue and ignore her while silent tears slip down my cheeks.
After a while, I hear them going into their rooms and only then do I check the time. It’s a little past ten and I wish I could close my eyes and go to sleep, but I don’t even try. Cole’s image haunts me every time I close my eyes. Another hour passes, and I can’t take it anymore, the walls of my room are closing in around me. The dread and loneliness in my gut becoming too much to handle. I need someone…someone who understands me, and makes me feel safe, someone who was there that night. Remington. I pull on a sweatshirt over my flannel pajamas and put on my sneakers before unlocking my door.
I walk out into the hall, and then the living room. The house is quiet and dark, but I try not to get hung up on it. I just move quicker than normal. With nothing but my keys and my phone, I run across campus just as I did earlier today, without stopping for anything until I’m standing in front of Remmy’s place, my heart in my throat, and my lungs burning.
I knock on the door with a shaky hand, almost regretting my decision to come here. I hear footsteps approaching the door and I pray that it’s Remmy behind that door, but when it swings open, I see it’s Thomas on the other side.
“Oh, hey Jules…”
I don’t even answer him. I just duck under his arm and push into the house, running straight for Remmy’s room. When I reach the door, I turn the knob to open it, but it doesn’t open. Why is it locked? Panic claws at my insides. What if he isn’t here, or doesn’t want to see me? What if Layla is here?
I keep wiggling the knob as if it will magically unlock while slamming my palm against the wood. I can feel the stinging of tears in my eyes, and like a total loser, I stand there continuing to beat against the door.
Several seconds later the door opens and an angry looking Remmy appears before me. The moment he sees me, his features soften, worry creasing his forehead.
“What’s wrong, Jules?” I fall into his room and into his arms without answering him.
I’m only partially aware of him closing the door and half carrying me to the bed. I’m too consumed by him, how I’m finally in his arms, my face buried in his chest, just like I wished to be all day. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tighter and for the first time today, I feel safe. Inhaling his scent calms me further and my eyes drift closed, suddenly feeling heavy with exhaustion.
“Jules, you need to tell me what’s wrong. I’m kind of freaking out here. Did something happen?” He gently rubs small circles against my back. I’m close to breaking down and telling him about Cole cornering me, but I just can’t get the words out, my tongue too heavy, my throat clogged with too much emotion. I feel weak and disgusted with myself even though I know it’s Cole that I should be disgusted with and not myself.
“I… I just had a bad dream,” I lie. “I got scared and I wanted to see you. Is that okay?” At least that part isn’t a lie.
“How did you get here?”
“I walked,” I admit and at my confession, Remmy’s pulling away, holding me at arm’s length, his eyes roaming over my face, inspecting me from head to toe. His chest rises and falls angrily, and I don’t understand what his problem is.
“You can’t be doing that again. It’s dangerous to walk places in the middle of the night, even on campus, and especially alone. Next time, call me, text me, whatever, but do not walk over here by yourself again,” he scolds harshly, and I nod my head in agreement. Then as if nothing happened, he’s pulling me back into his arms, placing my head against his chest, while cradling the back of it.
The warmth of his body seeps into mine, and I wish I could crawl inside him. I wish I could be his, and he be mine. He could make me forget about Cole.
“You’re shaking, Jules, are you sure it was just a dream? Did something happen while you were walking here?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, bile rising in my throat, while I hold my confession deeper inside, letting it eat away at me.
“It was nothing, just a bad dream. I’m okay now.”
“Was it…?” His voice trails off, and I know what he’s asking without even asking him to elaborate and this time I don’t lie.
“Yes,” I sigh, feeling some type of relief at saying it out loud. “Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I see myself lying there beneath him, begging him to stop, but he never does...he never stops, Remmy.” The tears start to fall
without permission, and I hope this is a one-time thing, Cole’s presence simply bringing all my fears to the forefront tonight.
Remmy’s hold on me tightens. “He will never touch you again, Jules, never. I will fucking kill him if he tries to hurt you again. I don’t care if I go to prison for the rest of my life. He will never do to you what he did again.”
And that is yet another reminder of why I have to lie to him tonight, why I keep the truth hidden beneath the sleeves of my sweatshirt.
“I know.” I exhale a ragged breath. “I just wanted to be somewhere safe, somewhere I know that the nightmares can’t reach me.”
Remmy’s lips graze my forehead, and then he’s pulling us backward, positioning us on the bed with my body draped across his. He doesn’t say anything, and it’s like he knows what I need, like he knows I need his heartbeat beneath my ear.
He soothes me, his hand moving up and down my back with gentle strokes.
“I’ll do this every single night if I have to. If you need me, I’ll be here. I told you earlier…I’ll be whatever you need me to be. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. If all you need is someone to hold you at night, then I’ll be that someone. If you want me only as a friend, I’ll be that for you.”
My chest shakes as I force oxygen into it. I want that...I want all of it, him with me each night, him as mine, and mine alone.
“Would you really?” I whisper, hoping he doesn’t hear me.
“Yes, Jules. I would do anything to make you mine again, and I will, make you mine again. As long as it takes, I’ll wait. I’ll climb whatever mountain I have to, be whoever you need me to be. I’ll do it because you’re worth it Jules, you’re fucking worth it.”
And just like that, I feel whole again. The nightmares will take time to fade, the memory of Cole will always be there, but with Remington’s promise in my heart and wrapped around my soul, I’ll never be alone again.
“I love you.” I’m pretty sure I say inside my head...my eyelids growing heavier and heavier with exhaustion...and just as I’m about to drift off to sleep, I swear I hear him say the words back to me.
“I love you too.”
17
Remington
Remington
Telling her I loved her was easy, letting the emotions wrap around me even easier. Being with Jules was natural. She owns me, since day one of kindergarten she had carved out a piece of my heart, stealing it and carrying it with her everywhere she went. She lives inside me, just as I live inside of her.
The last two days have been bittersweet. I know what happened with Cole is eating away at her. She’s scared, the nightmares plaguing her at night, hell, even during the day she seems jumpy and on edge. And even though I hate that she feels like this, there’s a selfish part of me that revels in how she is leaning on me to be her everything.
Physically and emotionally, she is leaning on me in every way she can and that’s all I’ve ever wanted in the last three years, was for her to need me like I need her.
She’s slept at my place for the last three nights, the first when she ran over by herself but the last two, she’s called me, and I picked her up. If it were up to me, she would never leave, and I would hold her in my arms every night for the rest of my life, but it’s not up to me and I won’t push her until she’s ready.
“Are you okay?” I ask her, causing her to jump a foot off the bed.
“Oh, yeah…I’m fine.” Her body trembles and I know she’s lying. She’s been lying this whole time, and I’ve just been too big of a pussy to confront her but watching her jump at something as simple as a question angers me.
I can’t bear to see her lie to me anymore. I need to know what’s going on, to know if it’s just the dreams plaguing her or if there is something deeper going on.
“Really? You jumped a foot off the bed because I asked you if you were okay?” I keep my voice gentle and sit down next to her.
She scrunches up her nose. “It’s just the nightmares, that’s all.”
“And what are they about?”
Panic fills her eyes, and when she blinks, it’s gone. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? I just want to forget about my bad dreams,” she tells me, twisting her body toward mine and slinging her leg over mine so she is straddling me. I know she’s trying to distract me and fuck, it’s working.
The last three nights, I did nothing but hold her in my arms. I told my dick over and over again to calm the fuck down which has worked so far but now she’s straddling me, grinding her hips, pressing her center into my lap, making her pussy rub against my steel hard cock, making all rational thinking fly out the window.
“Jules…we should really—”
She cuts me off, her lips crashing into mine, making me forget everything I just wanted to say. Fuck, she knows exactly what she is doing. She snakes her arms around my neck, pulling me closer. And fuck, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to rip off her clothes and fuck her senseless.
I can feel the heat of her pussy through the denim of my jeans, so close, but yet so far away. I’ve wanted her body more than anything the last couple of days, but I can’t do this right now. Whatever she’s attempting to cover up is bigger than I thought.
“Fuck,” I hiss, pulling away, her teeth sinking into my bottom lip to stop me. If I don’t stop her now, then I’ll forget all about asking her what her problem is, and though that’s her intention, it’s not what I want. Unwinding her arms from my neck, I push her back a bit, noting the frown forming on her lips.
“You don’t want me?” she murmurs, and the look in her eyes kills me.
“I do. I want you so bad, my cock is literally begging me to sink inside you, but I want to make sure you’re okay above all else.”
She shakes her head, sending a tumble of blonde curls across her face. When she tries to pull away, I grab her by the wrists and she winces, actually winces as if I’ve hurt her when I know for sure that I didn’t.
I wasn’t even grabbing her that hard.
“Jules?” She tries to pull away again, tears in her eyes, her bottom lip quivering, and I know something is seriously fucking wrong. I release her wrists but grab her hand and pull up her sleeve. Worry gives way to blinding fury.
“What the fuck?” Tears are now running down her cheeks and her lip shaking has turned into whole body shaking. Panic claws at my insides, what the hell happened? I don’t let go of her hand, I just stare at the bruises around her delicate wrists.
Blue, black and already yellow in some places tell me this happened recently.
“Who did this?” I question, my voice a whisper of disbelief. When she doesn’t answer me, I curse under my breath.
“Jules, you need to tell me what happened.” I look up, her lips are pressed into a hard line and she keeps shaking her head. It’s like she’s shutting down and I can't fucking have that. Why is she so scared of telling me? Then it clicks… like a puzzle piece finding its home.
“Did Cole do this? Is your other wrist bruised like this too?”
Before she can answer me, I snatch her other hand and pull up that sleeve as well, finding the same marks on that side. My imagination takes over, her silence only fueling the horrible scenarios running through it.
“Jules, if you don’t tell me what happened...I will assume the worst and then I will go and find Cole right now and break his fucking neck. He touched you and that’s a worthy enough cause.” My response gets her attention and suddenly she’s reeling.
“No, no, no, this is exactly why I didn't want you to know!”
My brow furrows. “What the hell? Why? Because I would protect you? Kill him? Destroy him?” Fury burns deep in my veins...he’s going to pay for hurting her. I swear he hasn’t seen the last of me yet.
“Yes! Because I knew you would go and do something stupid. I knew you would want to go and kill him or at the least beat the crap out of him.”
“And what’s the problem with that? He touched you, he left fucking bruises, Jules,
he literally squeezed your wrists so hard he left bruises and you expect me to just let him be, to not fucking kill him? You’re insane if you think I’ll let him get away with this.”
“The problem is that you’ll end up in jail or worse, get yourself killed,” she whispers, and I shake my head at her response feeling too many emotions all at once.
“I don’t give a fuck. I’ll go to prison for the rest of my life if I have to. He shouldn’t have fucking touched you.” I didn’t know what Cole’s obsession was with her, but I wasn’t going to wait to find out. In my eyes, he was as good as dead.
“And what about me? What’s going to happen to me if you go to jail? You would just leave me like that?” Her words hit me like a bullet to the chest, searing through the tissue and muscle, leaving behind a gaping wound.
It hadn’t really occurred to me that she’s just as scared of losing me as I’m scared of losing her and somehow that realization has me crashing back down to Earth. I can’t do something that’s going to cost me, her, not when I just got her back, but I also can’t just let Cole get away with putting his hands on her.
“Did you go to the police or at the least campus security?”
She shakes her head. “No, I just want to forget about it. I don’t want to have to tell them what happened over and over again. I just… I just want to forget...forget it all.”
“And what exactly did happen?” My whole body is vibrating with anger and it takes everything inside of me not to jump up and go find him, but I need to know what he did to her. I need to be here for her now. She needs me.
“He just told me to tell you that I lied. That I wanted it…” Her eyes lift to mine the blue in them bluer than I’ve ever seen. “But I didn’t want it Remmy, you know that, don’t you? I didn’t want him. I still don’t. I just want to forget him, forget that he didn’t stop when I told him to, forget what his body feels like, his lips…” Anguish clogs her throat as she speaks and she grabs onto my shirt, clinging to me, her face mere inches from my own.