North Woods University

by Beck, J. L.

  “Well, that’s good to hear. We were worried about that. You know you haven’t always been great with your academics… not like your mom was.” And there it is. Just like that, I’m reminded why I couldn’t get out of my grandparents’ house fast enough.

  Swallowing my pride, I don’t answer with a snarky remark like I want to. Instead, I smile and try to forget that he said it in the first place. I sink back into the seat and try not to think about anything at all. Not about my grandparents, not about my parents and sister dying, and definitely not about Sebastian, the blackmail, and the fact that he could lose everything because of me.

  * * *

  “Dinner is ready,” my grandma’s voice booms down the hall.

  “Coming,” I call back, but continue mixing the red and black on my pallet. I make a few more strokes on the canvas before depositing my brush into the water-filled mason jar. I step back and take in the now painted canvas.

  With all my art stuff around, my room looks more like an art studio than a teenage girl’s bedroom. I guess not much has changed. I’m perfectly fine with it though. I love the smell of the paint, the way the brush feels in my hand. My most favorite thing is being able to manipulate the paint to bend it to my will and create a world exactly the way I want to.

  Painting gives me a sense of control that I’ve never had at any time in my life. I control the brush and the paint, no one else interferes, and when I mess up, I let the paint dry and paint right over it. Life doesn’t have do-overs like painting does. Life is hard.

  Before I leave the room, I open the drawer of my desk to look at the phone inside. It has been ringing non-stop since I arrived here. Most of the phone calls have been Sebastian, but there are plenty from Del, Jules, and even Rem tried calling a few times.

  I only answered Jules and Del once and only to tell them I’m okay and safe. I didn’t want them to worry or file a missing person report or something. Other than that, I ignored the plethora of missed calls and messages. I need time to think, to breathe. I don’t want to let Sebastian sway my choices. I know he loves his job, and I know he wants me to stay in school, but I don’t know if that’s feasible.

  After discovering that he’s paying someone off to hide us, to keep us a secret, I’m not just sad, but angry. I don’t want to be a secret anymore. I don’t want to hide what we’re doing.

  Which leaves me with only one option.

  Closing the drawer, I make my way through the house and into the dining room.

  “Wash your hands, child, your fingers are covered in paint,” my grandma orders.

  I do as she asks without complaint and dry my hands with the dishtowel. Then I walk to the table which is already set. My grandma is a little different than my grandpa. While my grandpa does throw jabs at me, I can tell he loves me. My grandmother, on the other hand, is closed off. She’s never said she wished I was in the car that day, but she doesn’t have to.

  Sitting at the table across from Grandpa, my grandmother makes my plate and hands it back to me like I’m a small child.

  “I see you’re still doing that painting stuff.”

  Stabbing at a green bean with my fork, I say, “Yup.”

  “That’s a nice hobby to have, as long as it doesn’t interfere with your schoolwork. You know that’s the most important thing, right? You can’t make money with art.”

  The metal of the fork bites into my flesh. “So, you’ve said.”

  “It’s the truth. You need a steady income and painting isn’t going to give you that. Plus, no one is going to take you serious with that kind of career.”

  “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about…or at least get your advice on.” It’s a stupid thing to ask because I already know they’re both going to tell me I’m an idiot for even considering dropping out to pursue art, but like the sadist I am, I ask anyway.

  “Well, what is it?” Grandma questions, impatiently.

  The tension grows thick between us, the words hanging off the edge of my tongue.

  Setting the fork on my plate, I look up at both of them. The only two family members, I have left. The only two people, I have to look to for advice.

  “I’m thinking about dropping out of college and doing something with art. I would really like to get an apprenticeship…”

  “No,” my grandma cuts me off, her voice stern. “Your parents would never forgive us for letting you drop out to pursue something like that. Did you ever hear of the term starving artist? That term didn’t come out of thin air.”

  “I just don’t think I’m cut out for college,” I whisper.

  “Of course, you are, you just need to get this art nonsense out of your head and concentrate on your studies. You need to think of the big picture here. Where would you live if you dropped out of school now? Would you come back here?”

  I shrug, “I was thinking just until I find something…”

  “Lily,” my grandma cuts me off once more. “You know we loved having you here, but you can’t stay here forever. You know, we don’t have the money for an extra person to be living with us, and you’re an adult now. You need to grow up and take care of yourself.”

  “It would only be for a short while…”

  “Enough, you’re not dropping out of school to chase after some ridiculous dream of becoming an artist. If you do, then you’ll lose our support completely.”

  She’s not serious, is she? Looking at her, I can see that she’s more than serious, in fact, she looks like she’s ready to tell me to get out right this second, and the fact that she said our tells me that they’ve already talked about this. Anger burns through me like a wildfire moving through the forest.

  “If my parents were still alive, they would support my choices. They’d want me to follow my dreams. They wouldn’t treat me the way that you both are right now.”

  “You’re wrong. Your mother would never have allowed you to pursue art. There is no money in art, and without money, you cannot live. I’m sorry, child, but I will not allow you to live under mine and your grandpa’s roof while chasing some dream that’s never going to happen. I’ve already told you. If you drop out, any support we’ve given you is gone.”

  Emotions clog my throat, and I have to blink to fight back the tears. For years I’ve wished my parents were alive, but I’ve never missed them more than I do right now.

  I need support, love, and I’m not going to find any of those things here. Coming here, back to this house, back to them, it was a mistake. Shoving from the table, I nearly knock the chair over as I get up.

  “Where are you going?” my grandmother asks, her voice edging on anger.

  “Leaving. Coming here was a mistake. I don’t know why I ever thought to come back here. Maybe I was hoping you guys would show that you cared about me for once and didn’t see me as the only reminder of your daughter, of the three people you lost.”

  “We don’t see you like that,” Grandpa adds, but it’s too late because I know deep down, they do. I’m a screw-up, a reminder of three lives that no longer exist and as long as I stay here, that’s all I’ll ever be to them.

  “It sure feels like that,” I accuse, turning and storming out of the room. Taking two steps at a time, I rush up the stairs and into my room. I’m a burden to everyone. I can’t stay here. I can’t be a reminder. Coming here was supposed to help things, but it seems it’s only made them worse. With tears in my eyes, I get my phone out of my desk. There’s only one person to call, and that’s the one person I ran from, the one person that I need, the one person that I know will support whatever decisions I make.

  With tears sliding down my cheeks, I dial his number. He picks up on the first ring as if he was doing nothing more than staring at the screen, waiting for me to call.

  “Lily,” my name comes out in a sigh. The sound of his deep voice filtering into my ears is already calming me. “Are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay?”

  “I’m-I’m okay. Can you come and pick me up?” I croak wh
ile attempting to hide that I’ve been crying. I don’t want or need anyone to feel bad for me, least of all, Sebastian. He’s already got enough on his plate when it comes to us, and I don’t want to burden him anymore.

  “Of course, where are you? I’ll leave right now.”

  “I’m in Blackthorn, at my grandparents.”

  “Okay,” I can hear the jingling of keys and the closing of a door which tells me he’s already walking out of the house. “I’m leaving now. I’ll see you soon.”

  A car door opens and closes, and the roar of his engine fills my ears.

  “See you soon,” I whisper before hanging up.

  I want to say I love you to him, I wanted to tell him how much he means to me, but it feels like if I do, it’ll only make letting go of him that much harder. I’m a mistake. All I do is hurt the people around me. I’m a burden to everybody. I shouldn’t be alive right now, and I shouldn’t be living my sister’s dream, sleeping with the man that she loved for years. I’m going to cost him everything. I’m going to ruin everything simply by existing.

  Everything is falling apart, and I wish so badly that I was that canvas across the room. That I had the power to let myself dry so that I could paint myself a new past, a new beginning, and a new ending. A better ending.

  83

  Sebastian

  She called. She fucking called. It’s all I can think about as I drive two towns over to Blackthorn to get her. I don’t care how far I have to drive to get to her. All that matters is having her in my arms again. I break about every speed limit there is just to get to her faster. I was so fucking worried when she was just gone. My mind was wandering to the worst possible case scenario. I couldn’t get what she had said to me that night in her dorm room out of my head.

  “I tried to end it.”

  She sends me the address in a text, and I use the GPS to find the way. The closer I get, the better I feel, even though my heart is pounding against my ribcage like it’s trying to break free and take flight.

  When I finally turn onto the road and see her standing on the sidewalk, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest, and I can breathe again at last. Stopping right in front of her, I put the car in park and get out. Practically, running around the car to get to her. Before I reach her, I take in her face.

  It’s red and blotchy giving away that she’s been crying. Guilt rears its ugly head. Had she not found those texts, maybe none of this would’ve happened. Instantly, I’m overcome with the need to make her feel better, to tell her everything is going to be okay because it is.

  Wrapping my arms around her, I pull her into my chest and bury my nose in her hair. Coconut, and vanilla with a hint of paint. She doesn’t fight me, in fact, she does the same, dropping her bags onto the concrete, so she can wrap her arms around me. I sigh, feeling as if all the missing pieces in my life are coming back together once again.

  “I’m so sorry, Lily. I’m so sorry,” I repeat, holding her tighter, vowing never to hide anything from her again. These last couple of days have shown me just how hard it is to live without her. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything without her. She is everything to me and losing her again is not an option.

  “Don’t be. I’m the one that’s sorry,” she murmurs, and when I pull away to look at her face, I find she’s crying again. There’s a pressure that appears in my chest as I look at her. I don’t want her to cry anymore, not ever, and least of all, because of something I did. Brushing away the tears with my thumb, I press a kiss to each rosy red cheek. Damn, I’ve missed her.

  “I’m sorry,” she sniffles again, all the emotions crashing into me at once, “I’m sorry that you’re being blackmailed. That I hurt you by leaving. I just needed some space, but it was a mistake to come here. Everything is a mistake. I’m a mistake.” I can see her falling apart, and it’s tearing me right down the middle.

  “Stop you’re not a mistake, and you have no reason to be sorry. I love you. I love you so fucking much. None of this would’ve happened had I been honest with you. Had I told you the truth about the blackmailing, but I didn’t want you to worry, or leave, but it seems the opposite happened.” I tuck a strand of hair that’s stuck to her tear-stained cheek behind her ear.

  “I was so fucking worried about you,” I admit. “Do you remember what you said to me the night you were drunk, and I brought you to the dorms?” She thinks for a moment before she shakes her head slightly. “You told me you’d thought about ending it all. What did you mean by that?”

  More tears run down her face, and I almost regret bringing it up, but I need to know what’s going on in her head. I need her to be safe, even from herself.

  “I can’t believe I told you that… You don’t have to worry though. I haven’t had those thoughts in a long time, and I never acted on them, but in the past, it did cross my mind that everybody around me would be better off with me dead.”

  “Don’t ever think that, Lily. I wouldn’t be able to go on without you. I need you to promise me that you will never hurt yourself and if you ever have those kind of thoughts again you need to tell me immediately so we can get you help.”

  “I promise,” she answers right away, sounding determined and sincere. “I swear, I haven’t thought like that in a while, but if those thoughts ever return I’ll talk to someone.” I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

  I don’t want her to cry anymore. I want to share the good news that I received over the weekend, the news, I had been waiting to hear for the last week.

  “Can we go?” she finally asks. “I already look like a hot mess standing out here. I don’t want to have another breakdown where the rest of the world can see.”

  Releasing her, even though, I don’t want to, I nod, and gesture for her to get into the car, while I grab her bags. She moves slowly toward the door, and by the time I’m in the driver’s seat, she’s just buckling her seatbelt.

  “Are you hungry?”

  “Yeah. I kinda walked out on dinner, so I could go for something to eat.” She gives me a sad smile that damn near breaks my heart in two. I don’t say anything else as I drive us through the drive-through at McDonald’s. Once we have our food, I park in the parking lot and roll down the windows. Lily sips on her strawberry shake, her eyes trained on the windshield. I wonder what she’s thinking. I’m smart enough to know why she left, and I want to make sure she never does again. She’s everything to me, and she needs to know that.

  “I know now isn’t the time to do it, but I can’t stand the sadness in your eyes, and I have to do something to make it better.”

  She shifts, looking away from the windshield and at me.

  “I have something I want to tell you too.” She pauses, and those bright blue eyes of hers meet mine, “I didn’t leave because I don’t want to be with you. I left because I didn’t want you to have to give everything up for me. I was trying to come up with a solution that worked for both of us. I was going to drop out of classes and wanted some advice, but my grandparents weren’t the kind of people I should’ve gone to.” A frown pulls at her lips, “They told me that if I drop out of school, I’ll lose all of their support.” She snorts, “As if they were all that supportive, to begin with.”

  Reaching out, I place my hand on top of hers. I just need to feel her, to touch her, to know that she’s actually here with me.

  “I didn’t think you left or were leaving me, but I freaked out knowing you’d seen the messages. I was just worried…” I sigh, “I may have lost it a little bit. But as I sat there in the living room all alone in the dark, I started to piece it all together. I knew you were feeling guilty, and that you were upset. I knew that you were worried about being a burden when you’re truly anything but that to me.”

  “I thought…” Lily looks down at my hand on hers and then interlocks our fingers. Shame fills her face. “I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. Why did you keep this from me? Don’t you trust me?”

  Th
e sadness pours out of her like a sink that’s overflowing, “I trust you with my life, Lily. I was just scared, and I didn’t want you to worry or feel guilty.” In that moment, I feel like a pile of shit. “All I wanted was to make it go away as fast as possible, and I thought that paying them off would do that. Of course, I thought about telling you and going to the cops. But I decided against all that because I didn’t want everybody to find out about us that way.”

  Lily’s lips form into a frown, “I knew you were worried, but I would like to worry with you next time. This concerns both of us after all, and we’re together, which means your worries and fears are mine too.”

  “I won’t keep anything from you ever again,” I promise her.

  “So, what are we going to do about it now? Go to the police?”

  “We can, but I don’t know what they could do. I already put some cash in an envelope and dropped it in the park’s trash can. I haven’t heard from whoever this fucker is since then.” Lily nods, and I continue, “I really don’t want to think about it right now though. All I want to do is enjoy having you back and make sure you know that I won’t ever keep something like that from you again. When you left it almost killed me.”

  “Me too.” She whispers. “I missed you every day.”

  “I’m pretty sure I missed you more, and I have something else I want to tell you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  For the first time in days, I smile, “I may have used my status as the Dean of the university to pull a couple strings at the brand new gallery in town.”

  Those big eyes of hers seem to get bigger as she realizes what I’ve done. “You got me a spot for one of my paintings?”

  “One?” I snort, and my grin grows at the same rate as her eyes widen. “You’ve got your own exhibit.”

  “What?” she squeals, jumping in her seat and almost knocking her food off her lap. “Oh, my god, Sebastian. Are you serious? You’re lying right now. You have to be.”