In At the Deep End

by Penelope Janu

  CHAPTER

  26

  Liam desperately needs a haircut. He swipes his hair from his face and grins.

  ‘Is he a good kisser then, Polarman?’

  We’re at a Palm Beach café, across the road from the beach. A wide stretch of fine-grained sand extends from the southern end near the café to the northern tip of the peninsular, marked by Barrenjoey Lighthouse at the top of the cliffs. The sea shimmers bright blue in the early morning sunshine. Drew has finished his breakfast. He’s sitting on a bench, gazing through binoculars at the ocean.

  ‘That’s none of your business.’

  ‘Yes it is. I’m jealous.’

  ‘Since when?’

  He winks. ‘About you getting to kiss Polarman, not the other way around. Take pity on me.’

  Liam wouldn’t have known anything if I hadn’t been stupid enough to poke my head around the door to the living room to say goodnight to him and Rachael early this morning. They were lying on the sofa together watching a movie. Rachael’s hair was sticking up everywhere, so I think they’d been to bed and got up again.

  ‘I have nothing to tell you.’

  Liam orders more coffees before I can stop him. He takes my chin and looks at my mouth. ‘Last night your mouth was red and—’

  I wrench my face away. ‘Shut up!’

  ‘Puffy. This morning it’s back to normal. Which is entirely consistent with my diagnosis of prolonged kissing. Any other symptoms, Miss Scott?’ I clamp my lips together and, without thinking, cross my arms over my breasts. He zeroes in immediately. ‘Aha!’

  The waiter brings the coffees and asks whether he can take a photo of himself with Drew and me. I make Liam get up to take the photo. Then I settle Drew again, and rest my head on my arm. Liam can’t see my face but he can hear me.

  ‘I’ll only tell you stuff if you promise not to talk about it ever again.’

  ‘Patient confidentiality, Harry. Spill the beans.’

  I give Liam a sanitised account of what Per and I did in the bridal room. How I almost had a panic attack, and forced him to kiss me, and how afterwards he acted as if nothing had happened.

  ‘Per only did what I asked him to do,’ I say. ‘I’m ashamed of myself. I should have let him take me home, even if he was bad-tempered.’

  Liam shrugs. ‘Don’t worry. He’s an action hero, accustomed to adversity. He’ll live.’

  ‘I find him exhausting.’

  It was me who asked him to unzip my dress. He was considerate and generous. He let me take control—even though he was the only one of us who knew what to do. I screw my eyes shut.

  ‘It doesn’t have to be such a big deal, you know,’ Liam says.

  ‘What?’

  He grins. ‘Sex. It can be fun.’

  Liam and Rachael aren’t together anymore because they want to go out with other people as well as each other. Yet they have sex all the time. Are they in love? Can they be, when they seem to be happy together, but just as happy apart?

  ‘Do you love Rachael?’

  ‘I guess. We’re mates.’

  ‘What about me?’

  ‘Definitely love you. And Polarman.’

  ‘I wish you’d take this seriously.’

  ‘I wish you’d give him the opportunity to convince you that he cares. Like I said, have some fun. Be happy with whatever happens.’

  When Per was touching me I said I wanted him. But I wanted him even more afterwards. I didn’t want to let him go. Ever.

  It’s like a chill passes over me. Mum and Dad loved me absolutely. So does Drew. I loved my parents, and I love Drew, in exactly the same way. I thought I loved Grant. Is this the only kind of love I’m able to feel? The kind of love that hurts so much when you lose it that you don’t want to experience it ever again?

  ‘Harry?’ Liam says. ‘You okay?’

  I stare at him across the table. ‘You make me happy. So do lots of other people, like Helga and Allan, my friends from football, and the kids at school. Tom and the crew too. I quite like the orangutan vet as well. He makes me laugh. Maybe I’ll go out with him.’

  Liam raises his brows. ‘Can’t Polarman make you happy?’

  The kind of love that hurts so much when you lose it that you don’t want to experience it ever again.

  I shake my head. ‘Not Polarman. He’s not for me.’

  ‘Harry,’ Jonty yells from the deck, ‘Drew wants to know where Maggie is.’

  I’m cutting onions, and wiping my eyes on the sleeve of my jumper.

  ‘Tell him the truth. Mum’s not around anymore, but she still keeps an eye on us.’

  Kat is perched on a stool facing me. She and Jonty were sitting on my doorstep when we got back a couple of hours ago. Her eyes are watery too.

  ‘Are the onions worrying you?’

  She gives me a shaky smile. ‘Nah. I cry easily. Cute kids. Movies. Kind of worshipped your Mum.’

  I wipe my eyes again. ‘Now you’re setting me off. Pity you’re such a nice person, Kat.’

  ‘Per tells me I should toughen up.’ She sees my expression. ‘Shut up about Per, right?’

  I shrug. ‘Whatever. Have fun last night?’

  Kat details everything that went on after the dinner at the hotel, how she and a number of the Torrens crew went clubbing and only got home at six this morning. And how she thinks she might have found herself a Sydney boyfriend. Then she fishes for information about where Per and I disappeared to last night, and tells me that Professor Tan was looking everywhere for us.

  ‘For Per more than me, though?’

  ‘Yeah. That guy loves the commander.’

  I put the tuna casserole in the oven and fetch Drew’s oilskin coat. There’s a storm moving in from the south. The wind coming off the sea is bitterly cold and it’ll be dark in an hour. Drew gets into his coat, and I help him with the press-studs. He’s wearing a thick shirt and a jumper, but up close like this I feel how thin he is. I’m glad he came to the dinner last night. All afternoon we’ve teased him about how handsome he looked in his dinner suit.

  ‘Hurry up, Harry,’ he says. ‘Stop your fussing.’

  We’re walking along the beach when we meet Allan and Dougal. Dougal has his cast off now, but he has to stay on the lead for a few weeks so he doesn’t jump around too much. Kat takes Dougal’s lead from Allan and runs down to the shoreline, and she and Dougal dart in and out of the waves together. Jonty sprints down the beach to join in. I’m not sure how long he and Kat were on the doorstep together, but he’s begun to idolise her now, just like he idolises Per. It’ll make him even more determined to join the navy.

  ‘You have to wait until you’re eighteen,’ I told him last week, ‘and finished with school.’

  ‘Commander Amundsen didn’t wait,’ he said. ‘He was sixteen.’

  A few details about Per’s naval career are on the foundation’s website now. He did join up at sixteen, and finished his schooling, and university, while he was in the navy. I explained to Jonty that things are done differently here, but he didn’t want to hear it. ‘What would you know?’ he said. ‘You never even went to school.’

  Allan is talking about our strategy for Wednesday night’s football game when Kat screams Jonty’s name. He ignores her—he’s mucking around, collecting handfuls of seaweed to throw at her. The wave rises up behind him. It’s a freak wave, much larger than the others. Allan calls out and swings his arms above his head. Drew does the same. Kat runs towards Jonty, laughing, and Dougal runs after her, his tongue lolling out.

  I gag on the saliva that races up my throat. I don’t move or call out as the wall of water sweeps Jonty off his feet and sucks him into the sea. He disappears. And then I see bits of his body tossed about like flotsam, until the wave spits him out and dumps him on the shore. He’s sodden, and coughing. Kat is still laughing. She grabs him under the arms and yanks him further up the beach. Dougal licks Jonty’s face, and he splutters and laughs. He pulls at the clothes that are plastered to his body. His wo
rds carry on the wind.

  ‘It’s me best jumper!’ he says. ‘Nan’s gonna crucify me.’

  I’ve been dizzy and nauseous countless times. I’m always throwing up. But this is the first full-blown panic attack I’ve had since I ran into the surf to show Per what he was in for. The lights in front of my eyes blind me before I even get to my knees, and when I lower my head to vomit my skull explodes. The colours behind my eyes are brighter than they’ve ever been before.

  Mum tried to send me away when I dived under the water and tugged at her seatbelt strap and buckle. She gestured towards the shattered windscreen and pleaded silently that I swim to the surface. But then she lost consciousness, and although her eyes were still open she couldn’t see me anymore.

  I knew she wouldn’t die for a while, that she’d have enough oxygen in her brain to stay alive even though she’d stopped breathing. So I kept diving to her to try to set her free. But then the black mists would appear in front of my eyes and blur my vision, and I’d swim back to Dad and the air pocket above his head. I lifted his face out of the water as I gulped in air, but once I had my breath back I let him go again and swam back to Mum.

  I didn’t want to leave Mum there all by herself. I didn’t know whether Dad was alive or dead. The only thing I could do for either of them in the end was to keep swimming between them. Up and down, up and down, up and down.

  CHAPTER

  27

  The only light in my room is coming from the kitchen, so the shadows are deep and dark. I’m sitting up in bed and my face is wet. I’m gasping. And crying. Someone’s sitting next to me but I don’t think it’s Liam. I hiccough when I breathe in.

  Per pulls me onto his lap and whispers words I haven’t heard before. ‘Stakkars liten,’ and ‘Det går bra.’ He’s holding me so tightly that I’m pinned to his chest. I’m not sure how long I breathe in his scent. Last time I saw him we were on the chaise lounge. I’m stumbling from disaster to disaster.

  I wriggle out of his arms and snatch tissues from his hand. I swipe them across my cheeks and blow my nose. ‘I’m sorry. Why are you here? Where’s Liam?’

  ‘He left half an hour ago. It’s after seven.’

  I look around for my phone. ‘Why didn’t my alarm go off? It’s set for five thirty.’

  ‘Liam turned it off. He said you’d been up all night and needed to sleep.’

  I scramble off the bed. ‘I’ll get my wetsuit.’

  ‘Tell me what’s going on.’

  I’m almost at the door. ‘Just a nightmare.’

  ‘Liam told me it was worse than usual. That something happened yesterday afternoon.’

  ‘Didn’t Kat tell you about it?’

  He stands. ‘No.’

  ‘Well.’ I sniff. ‘Good on her.’

  He stares at the ceiling for a moment. Then he frowns. ‘Drew knows your history, but he’s not capable of helping you anymore. Liam won’t talk. Tan suspects you’re hiding things from him. Now Kat’s clamming up. You’ve got so many secrets it’s no wonder you can’t sleep. Have you been back to the psychologist?’

  ‘No. I was doing perfectly well until you came along, and I’ll be fine once you’re gone.’

  I hear him muttering as I walk down the hall to the bathroom, but I can only identify one word. ‘Trøbbel.’

  When I walk into the kitchen a few minutes later Per is standing at the kitchen bench. He’s rifling through a stack of sketches. Most are of the kookaburra, but there’s a picture of a dolphin at the top of the pile.

  He doesn’t look up when he holds a slice of toast in my direction.

  ‘No thanks,’ I say.

  He shrugs, and takes a bite. ‘Why didn’t you become an art teacher?’

  ‘I didn’t have a portfolio, or any formal training, so I wouldn’t have got into university that way. Anyway, I like geography, anthropology, things like that.’

  ‘Didn’t your parents see how talented you were? Come here. I’ll fix your wetsuit.’

  After Saturday night, I’d wanted to prepare myself before seeing him again. I wasn’t ready to wake up to his fresh pine smell, or have him talk about my secrets. I don’t want him in my kitchen like this, moving my ponytail out of the way when he pulls up my zip.

  ‘My parents were like most parents—they thought I was good at everything.’

  I see his troubled look before he can hide it. I’m not sure what I’ve said to upset him. He turns away abruptly. ‘Hurry up. We’re already late.’

  I guess he’s taking us back to the way things were ten days ago, when we were on step three of the pool. He wants to behave professionally and put the swimming first. I walk past him, he follows me out, and I close the doors behind us. After we step over the fence at the bottom of the garden I reach for his hand at the same time he reaches for mine. Our fingers entwine. My breath catches.

  He looks down at me. ‘You can trust me at the beach. We know what to do when we’re here. You’re safe.’

  The wind whips my hair around my face as we climb the rise over the dunes. The sun is almost up. Long low clouds streak across the pale blue sky. The ocean is navy and white, the waves rough and fierce. When I stop, Per peers into my face. It’s bound to be pale. Clammy. Afraid.

  He takes me by the shoulders. ‘We’re not going into the pool, Harriet. Not today. Got that?’

  I swallow. And nod.

  We sit on the soft sand in front of the surf club. Per sits behind me with his legs spread out, and I lean against him. My legs are straight. When I turn my head into his chest I hear the slow steady thuds of his heartbeat.

  Waves crash over the rocks and into the pool. Sea spray shoots skywards. The water is heaving. The steps are covered with whitewash and so is the landing. I point. The pitch of my voice is high.

  ‘Look at the pool.’

  Per tightens his hold on my body. He leans over my shoulder and whispers, ‘Would you like me to tell you about the calving fronts of ice shelves?’

  I nod. And then I shut my eyes in the hope it will erase the images of the pool and the steps. By the time I open my eyes again the sun is even higher in the sky. I must have slept.

  ‘What time is it?’

  ‘Almost eight.’

  ‘You’ll be late. I’ll be late. Why didn’t you wake me?’

  When he whispers against the nape of my neck, it sets off a tingling sensation. ‘Your heartbeats were good.’

  I pull him upright after I’ve got to my feet. He follows me along the soft sand as I rehearse in my mind what I want to say. It can’t be put off any longer. I have to present my arguments like Professor Tan would, sensibly and rationally. I wait for Per when we reach the steps to the dunes.

  ‘If I put something to you, do you promise to hear me out?’ I say.

  He narrows his eyes. ‘Within reason.’

  ‘You’re going back to sea in a few weeks, and it’ll be mid-September by the time you get back. And I won’t be able to go to the pool for a few days after that because a mining magnate has paid $10 000 for me.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I was a prize at a fundraising auction. I’m going hiking with Malcolm Curtis in the Blue Mountains. The foundation is putting the money towards the fit-out of The Adélie.’

  Per frowns, but doesn’t say anything.

  ‘The trip to Palau is in October. I only have a two-week school break and anyway, I don’t want to leave Drew for too long. Which is why I plan to travel to Palau on The Adélie, do the front of camera work on the documentary for a day or two, and then fly home again. The documentary crew will stay longer. When they get back, I can do voiceovers and anything else that needs to be done.’

  Per narrows his eyes. ‘You said you wanted to put something to me. What?’

  ‘Palau can’t be put back because The Adélie will need to be home in time to prepare for Antarctica in December.’ I point towards the pool. ‘But I don’t think I’ll be swimming by October.’

  ‘You won’t.’

  �
��I want to go to Palau anyway.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘At least think about it! I’m better than I was, you know I am. And Professor Tan has approved it.’

  ‘Has he?’ he snaps.

  ‘Yes … subject to your okay.’

  When he strides towards the dunes, I scamper after him.

  ‘I promise to wear a life jacket the whole time I’m on board. I’ll even sleep in it if you want me to. I’ll stick to Tom and the rest of the crew like glue. Please, Per. It makes sense. You have to say yes.’

  He doesn’t say anything until we climb over the fence to my garden.

  ‘Turn around, Harriet.’

  I let him undo my zip. ‘Well?’

  ‘No.’

  I spin around, swallowing a couple of times so I don’t do something stupid like burst into tears. ‘I made mistakes in Antarctica. I’ve taken responsibility for them. This isn’t fair. I’m capable. I’m competent.’

  He shrugs. ‘I’m here, more or less, until December.’

  ‘That’s too late for Palau!’

  ‘I won’t change my mind. You’re not going on The Adélie unless you can swim. Not while I’m involved with the foundation. That was what we agreed.’

  ‘On Saturday night you said I had an impeccable environmental pedigree. You were talking about my parents, weren’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You said I was smart.’

  He hesitates. ‘You are. But that doesn’t get you to Palau.’ He looks at his watch. ‘I have to go.’

  ‘Sorry for wasting your time.’

  ‘Drop this, Harriet. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  When I refuse to even look at him he picks up his boots and walks back to the beach. Will he swim today? I tell myself I don’t care what he does. But before I rinse my wetsuit I climb the deck stairs two at a time to watch him.

  He doesn’t bother taking his bag to the car this morning. He dumps it on the sand and then he runs into the surf, diving through the waves until he gets behind the break. When he disappears beneath the water I hold my breath. He’s an action hero. He’s a sleek black shadow in the swell. He belongs in the ocean. But that doesn’t stop me worrying about him.