How to Ditch Dead Guys (The Witch's Handbook Book 2)

by Ann M. Noser

  I pull at the turtleneck and fan myself while searching for Jake past grade school football games, junior league baseball, and tiny tot kickball. Past the green fields, tall trees sway along baseball fence lines. The weather is warm and perfect, like July in Wisconsin. Pausing out in the open, I glance back at the compound where everyone sleeps and eats. Pristine white boxes stack upon each other, climbing the side of a mountain far up into the sky.

  I jump when someone taps me on the shoulder. I whirl around to find Sam.

  “Hey, you scared me.” Where’d he come from?

  “Emma, someone wants to see you.” His gaze darts toward the woods.

  “I know. I heard. The Faded Witch. That’s fine, but let’s talk first. Are you okay, Sam? I’m worried.”

  He shakes his head. “Boy, do you have things backward. You’re the one in trouble. I’m fine now.”

  I frown. “You don’t look fine.”

  “You should talk, with fifty thousand bruises and an ugly snake tattoo.” Sam crosses his arms. “I made Colleen give me all the details.”

  I sigh and shrug. “Take me to the Witch then, if you don’t want to talk.”

  “I will.” He points toward some nearby trees. “She’s worried. She’s been watching you.”

  “Why?” I head for the shade of the trees. “Do you know if I’m the one she’s waiting for?”

  “You’re not. In fact, you shouldn’t be here at all, but I’d better let her tell you the rest. I don’t understand how things got so screwed up for you.”

  I tense. Why is everyone against me? “You’re beginning to sound like Mike. He begged me to give up the Book of Shadows months ago.” My heart sinks as I envision my precious Book shimmering and shivering within the fire.

  A croaking voice startles me from my reverie. “Maybe he was right. Or, maybe not.”

  Out of nowhere, the Faded Witch appears in front of us. I didn’t see her coming, but perhaps that’s the point. Her unkempt gray hair looks like a tornado styled it. A shapeless, faded flowery dress hangs from her bony shoulders. Despite her lowly appearance, her blue eyes study me with the fierceness of a wild animal.

  Sam squirms beside me. What has him so on edge? “Do you want me to leave?”

  “Not yet.” She raises an unruly eyebrow. “You’re really Emma Roberts?”

  I nod, mesmerized by her gaze. My arms and legs freeze, as if without uttering a word, she cast a spell to make me immobile. But I can still speak. “Are you the Faded Witch?”

  She cackles. “I’m much more than that to you, my dear.”

  “What do you mean?” My eyes catch on a gemstone-encrusted cross necklace hanging beneath the lace edging her faded dress. “Why do you have the same necklace as my father?”

  “Oh, good. You’re starting to catch on. I’d rather hoped you’d be smart.”

  My heart pounds. “How do you know my dad?” Don’t drag him into this.

  “Let’s put it this way…” She smiles, as if pleased with herself. “I understand you’ve been using my wooden bowl and getting yourself in all sorts of trouble—probably because you’re using that inferior Book of Shadows, and nobody’s coached you properly.”

  I unfreeze to cross my arms. “That’s not your bowl-it was my grandmother’s.”

  She pauses with a frown. “Oh, dear. Maybe you’re not as smart as I’d hoped.”

  I hate it when people insult my intelligence. But what is she talking about? Oh, no. Not that. Really? Could this be?

  “Oh, my gosh!” I whisper, glancing at the silent Sam. “The Faded Witch is my grandmother?”

  He shrugs. “It makes perfect sense to me. I mean, where’d you get all this power from, anyway?”

  I turn to stare at my disheveled grandmother. “Wait a minute, did you just insult my Book of Shadows?”

  “Mine was better. Much better.” She holds out a hand, floating a leaf three inches in the air above it. “And you must not care very much for yours if you tried to destroy it.”

  “Yours is better?” I glance around. “Where is it? Do you have it here?”

  She removes her hand, letting the leaf fall. “That’s between you and your father.”

  My breath catches. “You mean Dad knows you’re a witch?”

  “Of course he does. Don’t be silly. Where do you think he got his necklace?” She clasps the jewelry. Then her bright eyes dim as if I’ve just run over her dog and she can’t bring herself to yell at me for it.

  The ground sways beneath me. “Why didn’t anyone tell me about you?”

  She shakes a finger at me. “I can’t believe my son raised such a reckless daughter. You shouldn’t be here already. John must be heartbroken.”

  Tears spring to my eyes. “I know. I’m sorry about that.”

  A dark moth settles on my shoulder. I brush at it absentmindedly.

  “What’s this?” Grandma grabs up the insect to hold it quivering in the air. “Why would you bring this evil here?”

  “I didn’t mean to. It was an accident.” And I’m so tired of feeling guilty.

  She taps on my chest, hard. “How many spirits are trapped in there?” They squirm beneath the pressure of her fingers.

  I tremble. “I’m not sure, but not all of them are bad. Eva was murdered for her obsidian mirror. Jennifer was killed while cheating on her husband. Dominic took out Steve before his own gang cut out his liver in a sacrifice.”

  She leans in closer. “But which one of them would be strong enough to poison you?”

  A chill runs through my core. “Shadow. It has to be him. He works for the Master. He killed both Eva and Dominic. Probably lots of other people, too.”

  Her eyes narrow. “I don’t like the sound of this. Let me see what I can do.” She turns and disappears into the trees, the moth still trapped between her fingers.

  “Where are you going?” I call after her.

  “I’ve got to talk to a Man about a Dog,” her words come back to me on the wind.

  “That doesn’t make any sense.” I turn to Sam. “Is she always like this?”

  He nods. “Pretty much.”

  I glance around. “Does she expect me to wait around here until she comes back?”

  “Yes. She does.”

  I put my hand to my hip. “How long is this gonna take?”

  He shrugs. “Could take hours. Who knows?”

  I’m not waiting that long. “Well, I need to find Jake. Want to come along?”

  He settles down on a nearby fallen log. “Nope, I’ll wait. She expects it.”

  “Really, Sam? You’re like her little puppy.”

  His jaw clenches. “I know and I don’t care. I want to help her, especially if it will help you.”

  I smile, remembering the days we spent together last fall. “I always knew you were a good guy, Sam.”

  “Go on, then.” He waves me off. “I’ll see you later.”

  I hurry off and spot Jake coaching some kids on a playing field. I hurry toward him, trying to shake off my discomfort. As I near the fence, a boy standing out in left field removes his bright orange baseball cap to scratch the brown stubble growing on his head.

  None of the kids have long hair, not even the girls. Every single one of them has sallow skin, bony legs, and so little hair that none sticks out below their baseball caps. Except for the girl at bat. Her fiery hair falls in a curly ponytail down to her waist, but this isn’t what attracts my attention. Her right arm shines like a light bulb. It doesn’t look like a real arm at all, except for its shape, but it isn’t a prosthetic arm, either. I can’t stop staring. Is it a new arm? What happened to the old one?

  Then just beyond the ball-field, something darts between the tall, swaying trees.

  Not something. Someone.

  More specifically, my grandmother.

  I rush past Jake’s team, pausing long enough to catch his eye and give him a quick wave before taking off after the Faded Witch-I mean, my grandmother. I need to know what she’s up to, and so I
enter the dense woods. The worn trails crisscross at random intervals. Within ten minutes, I’m so lost I’m not even sure how to get back to the game fields. I pause at an intersection of five paths, not sure which one to take. I follow one on impulse, then trip on a tree root and fall to the ground, scuffing my hands. As I brush dirt off my jeans, heavy footsteps thud nearby. Twigs crunch and snap in the brush.

  My heart rate triples.

  I race down a narrow path leading to yet another fork in the woods.

  A low growling noise follows me. Blood pulsates in my ears.

  I pause in confusion, searching for the source of the strange noises.

  Where is it? What is it?

  I spot the Faded Witch standing between the trees in the distance. Her voice projects as loud as a radio held next to my ear: “If you don’t fix this, I’ll never forgive you.”

  Then she disappears.

  “I’ve always loved your ultimatums.” The words sound more like an animal growl than a human voice. “And I’m pleased to hear you do care about someone other than yourself.”

  All I can see are the trees. Where are these voices coming from?

  “Ha!” She cackles. “That’s how I got here in the first place. Don’t you remember?”

  “You didn’t follow the rules.” The words shake the ground.

  “I didn’t agree with the rules.” Her voice flies in and around the trees, stirring the leaves. “So I made some of my own.”

  Their words crash down on me from every direction. Branches creak and rustle as rabbits, squirrels, and chipmunks scatter across the woodland floor.

  “You haven’t come to see me for some time now.” The growl turns almost to a purr. “Why do you stay away?”

  A haze drops, then lifts. All the trees disappear. I stand in a sandy clearing, with trees far in the distance. The Faded Witch is right in front of me. She glares up at a pit bull the size of an elephant.

  I gasp. I’ve seen this Creature before, when I attempted to contact Jake a few months ago. Grandma releases her hold on the moth. It drops to the ground and the Creature crushes it under its mighty paw.

  Black smoke rises from the spot, then disappears with a whimpering noise.

  “Greetings, Emma. How nice of you to join us.” The words rumble like thunder, crash like the ocean, and echo like the fall of a tall tree. The giant dog advances on me, on muscular legs at least six feet tall.

  I can’t breathe. Black sparkles fill my view. My legs turn to water. I’m going to faint and this enormous thing is going to eat me. I hope I taste nasty.

  The blocky head lowers and exhales, warming me with sweet breath that smells of freshly mowed grass. My vision clears just in time to notice the endless array of large white teeth in the creature’s gaping jaws.

  The better to eat you with, my dear. The words from a fairy tale dance in my head. I’m not sure if anyone actually said them aloud, but the meaning is clear. The dark brown eyes come closer, considering me without malice or friendship. I stare deep into the eyes. Deeper and deeper I fall, lost in a pool of darkness.

  mma! Where are you?” Jake calls out, crashing through the brush.

  At the sound of Jake’s voice, the trees return with a windy rush. The clearing and its occupants disappear in a white mist. Released from the spell, I fall to my knees like a rag doll as Jake approaches.

  “They were right here.” I flail about. “Where did they go?”

  “What are you talking about?” Jake helps me to my feet. “Are you okay? You look spooked.”

  “Maybe I am.” My legs shake. “Did you know that the Faded Witch is my grandma? And that she keeps a pet monster here in the woods? Wait. That’s not right. It seemed to control her.”

  Jake stifles a chuckle. “There’s no such thing as monsters in Heaven.”

  “But this isn’t Heaven. Don’t look at me like that! I didn’t imagine it and I’m not crazy.” I hope not, anyway. “A huge dog with eyes like a human’s was talking to my grandma. I saw it, I swear.”

  “Maybe the sun’s getting to you.” Jake peers into my face. “Or did a fly ball hit you in the head?”

  “Why don’t you believe me?” I step away. “I’m telling the truth. I’m a witch because of my grandma, and she has a pet monster. Or else it’s the other way around.”

  Jake raises his arms in mock defense. “All right. Fine. There’s a giant dog roaming about Almost Heaven who enjoys the company of old lady witches.”

  I glower at him.

  “Come on, Emma. The kids are done playing. Let’s go to dinner, okay? You should eat. Maybe you’ll feel better.” He leads me along the paths. Soon the trees thin and the bright green playing fields come back into view.

  He keeps trying to take my hand, but I pull away.

  “Why don’t you believe me?” I cross my arms to keep him at bay.

  Jake puts out his hands in his typical quit freaking out on me, Emma gesture. “Why would there be monsters? And what if you’re latching on the Faded Witch because you think you have something in common?”

  “Trust me. We’re related. She told me, plus she’s wearing the same cross necklace as my father, and she knows about the wooden bowl I used for my spells.”

  His brows rise. “That’s strange. She’s doesn’t look a thing like you. I heard she’s been here longer than anyone else. I always see her wandering around, like she’s searching for something that doesn’t exist. It’s sad.”

  I stop walking. “Sam brought her to see me.”

  Jake’s steps also come to a halt. “Do you think she’s been waiting for you?”

  “No, I don’t think so. She barely talked to me before she took off to see that dog-thing, whatever it was.”

  “So you’re her granddaughter? I guess it kinda makes sense-the whole witch thing, I mean.”

  My stomach swirls with mixed energies, both fear and excitement. “That’s what Sam said-that my power had to come from somewhere.”

  “Maybe I should introduce myself.” Jake flashes his one-of-a-kind grin. “I bet she’d like me.”

  “Don’t be so sure of yourself, buddy,” I say. He’s so full of himself, even now. How ridiculous. And now I wish he’d hold my hand again. Ugh. I’m so mixed up I don’t even know what I want half the time.

  He winks. “Why not? You two are related, and you’re crazy about me.”

  “I wouldn’t be so sure of yourself.” Of course, my Mom loved him right away, so he’s probably right. How frustrating. Must be nice to have everyone like you right away, the first time they see your face. Except it wasn’t that way with me…

  “You love me. You know it.” He pauses, waiting for an answer.

  My stomach clenches. I’ve no idea what to say. “You’re a very annoying person.” I put my hands on my hips. “I should kick you.” But part of me wants to kiss Jake, instead. Kiss him, and forget about everything else that has happened. But I can’t. I’m responsible for everything, and I need to fix everything.

  “Stop flirting with me, girl, and get over here.” He grabs my hand. I give in and let him hold it.

  As we cross the playing fields, a young boy in an orange cap walks far ahead of us back to the stone compound.

  Jake points. “That’s Tommy. He died from a brain tumor. Bernard adopted him along with Colleen.”

  “That’s cool. I mean the adoption, not the brain tumor.” I think of home, of those I left behind. Abby and Claire must be wondering what happened to me. “I’m glad both Bernard and Claire got a chance to have kids. But I don’t get why the kids are here, anyway. Why don’t they go straight to Heaven? They’re not old enough to have done anything wrong.”

  Jake takes a few deep breaths before answering. “Moving on is a funny thing. Sometimes it’s physical illness that keeps you here. But it could be mental. Whether you want to call it ‘sin’ or not, lots of people aren’t healthy when they get here.”

  Without meaning to, I flinch.

  Jake releases his hold on my hand.
“I’m sorry. I forgot you’re injured. Did I hurt you?”

  “No. That’s not it.” I step back. “Did you mean me? That I’m not right in my head?”

  “I, uh…” Jake pauses to frown. “Maybe you’re the best one to answer that question.”

  My eyes tingle with tears.

  “Come on.” He puts an arm around me. “We’ll figure everything out, okay? But not on an empty stomach. How about some ice cream? Ice cream can fix anything, right?”

  “I’m not so sure I believe in the mighty power of ice cream like you do.” I muster a smile. “But it sounds good. I’m officially starving to death.” I choke out a weak laugh. “You’re probably not supposed to say that up here, right?”

  Jake grins and my stomach flip-flops.

  “Let’s go, then.” He gestures down the next walkway. “We’ll hit the snack bar. But first I need to go back to my room to shower and change.”

  We turn down another street, which resembles all the others. “Okay. I need to pick up something for Steve anyway.”

  He sighs. “Him again.”

  I elbow Jake. “You don’t like any of my friends.”

  He shakes his head. “Not true. Bernard’s great. Sam’s depressing as Hell. Mike’s so-so. But Steve-I don’t trust him. There’s something almost alien in his eyes. It’s creepy.”

  itting together on a wooden bench eating an ice cream cone, I lean my head on Jake’s shoulder. “Why do you think God won’t see me?”

  “I don’t know. He saw me right away. He looked like my junior high school football coach.”

  I lick my cone, stomach growling. “Why is it different for some people and the same for others?”

  Jake puts an arm around me. “Maybe God shows up in whatever form is easiest for us to accept.”

  I pause to stare at my cookies and cream. “I wonder what that will be for me.”

  He laughs. “Can I guess?”

  I glare at him. “No! You’re just going to say something that makes me sound stupid.”

  “Stupid is not a word that suits you.” He smirks. “Super-motivated-yes. Over-achieving-definitely. Accident-prone-that’s for sure. Hey, maybe God will be a librarian—you know, everything alphabetized, like all your books and CDs.”