My Immortal

by Anastasia Dangerfield

  "You shouldn't be in here, whoever you are."

  Time stands still because I recognize that voice.

  It's him. It is finally him. And yet it's not him.

  He was never so detached and cold…and whoever I am?

  "Am I so easy to forget?" I whisper, knowing he can hear.

  He says nothing for a moment and I don't either for fear of missing his reply.

  "You should leave, they are close," is all he says.

  His familiar voice triggers my memories of him. Of his kisses and the way I felt so safe in his arms. He sacrificed himself for me so many times and I could always feel his love for me in everything he said and did.

  Is this really happening to me? After six months of suffering, I have to continue feeling this ache in my heart?

  My lip wobbles and tears stream down my face. It hurts so much.

  However, I still have my pride and I really hope that he can't see me right now, crying over him, since he so obviously doesn't care, it would probably just repulse him.

  He probably thinks that I am pathetic.

  I let my knees buckle and I fall to the ground, hugging my stomach. I can't do this.

  Yes, you can, my inner confident says.

  No, I can't. It hurts too much.

  Don't you give up, Alexia. Don't you dare! You've finally found him!

  My knees throb but it feels good to feel the pain somewhere other than my heart.

  I hiss and transfer my weight to sit on my butt after a minute or two.

  He growls from somewhere behind me and I turn around to face that direction, still sitting.

  "Leave!" he yells.

  It startles me and I scuttle backwards on hands and feet until I back into the cold, dirt wall.

  Familiar, red eyes finally appear when I look up and they are right in front of me, not six inches from mine.

  "If you don't get out of here, I am going to drain. you. dry," he threatens in a low, deep voice.

  Even if I wanted to leave, I am too scared to move.

  I open my mouth to form some kind of response but he covers my mouth with his hand and firelight flickers outside of the cell in my peripheral vision.

  He holds my stare for a few more seconds and I wonder if he sees my panic rising. His eyes glance down towards what I think is my lips before he looks towards the torch light.

  The authorities are here. They are talking amongst themselves outside of the cell in a language that I am unfamiliar with in hushed, clipped voices. When they enter the cell I see that they are each carrying a torch.

  Shadow steps in front of me trying to block me from their view but it's no use, there are too many of them and I know that they see me.

  I unconsciously put my hands on his shoulders to show him that it's alright and that he doesn't have to protect me. He flinches and I lift my hands up immediately, but not before I feel his body trembling and how extremely bony he is for the first time

  The torches are scaring the crap out of him; I can tell by his body language and demeanor, yet he still tries to protect me.

  The authorities point at us, arguing over something in that unknown language. Shadow tilts his ear towards them, leading me to believe that he understands something that they are saying.

  They all stop talking and smile maliciously at me, and Shadow growls deep and loud.

  One of them juts the torch towards Shadow, taunting him and Shadow jerks back a little.

  Evil bastards will pay, I promise myself and them.

  His beautiful, black wings are released, which I find odd. I never see angels or demons with their wings out unless they are flying, especially not in a dirty cell.

  I will think about that later.

  The authorities turn and the last one out places his torch on the wall before leaving. After shutting the cell door, they start laughing and their voices disappear down the tunnel.

  Luckily, they left that torch because now there is a dim light in the cell and I can see Shadow…or what's left of him.

  I notice his spine sticks out harshly between his wings as he is knelt in front of me and I can count each rib without having to guess where it's at.

  He stands up and walks over to the darkest corner, farthest away from the torch and his wings droop, dragging in the dirt.

  This shocks me to my core. No one lets their wings drag.

  I contemplate this for a second but not for long, because I know him well enough to know that he is afraid of fire.

  They left that torch in here to scare him. To taunt him. To remind him that he is a prisoner. They probably have been torturing him with fire too.

  That's not okay with me.

  I'm tempted to go put it out but then I will be in utter darkness again.

  I hate the dark.

  It must be said that I am selfish, because I should put his wants above mine.

  Guilt nags my conscious and I decide that I will put it out in just a second, after I look at him and see his condition up close.

  Am I really seeing this or are the shadows playing a trick on my eyes? It looks like he has lash marks all across his body that are angry, red welts. Some of them even look bloody and infected.

  I scoot closer, subtly, like I would approach a scared animal.

  He keeps a close eye on me, never looking away and I can see his anxiety grow the closer I come.

  He sits on his butt, knees up and apart with his arms resting loosely on his knees.

  He looks so different; it's hard to believe it's really him. If it weren't for his voice and his protectiveness of me I would think I had the wrong boy.

  I would describe him as emaciated. I can see most of his bones and his skin is tight and thin, just a covering.

  His hair is longer now, it's probably about four or five inches long and stringy, maybe even wet from sweat? It hangs down into his face and is in disarray on the top of his head. If he were healthy it might look good on him, in the sexy bed head sort of way.

  His tattoos are covered in dirt and grunge but I can still see the tribal design on his right bicep down to his wrist and the flame with a circle around it and it's squiggles branching off from the back of his neck to meet the tribal on his bicep.

  Some of his piercings look to have been ripped out and re-pierced because there are scabs around each piercing and I can clearly see that the punctures are angry, red, and new.

  His eyebrow piercing and nipple rings are the worst.

  The ones in his lower lip and the ones in his ears appear to be better off, but I still want to kiss them all better and hug him tightly.

  The firelight reflects off of the two silver balls in his lower lip and I try to look away but my eyes are greedy to drink him in.

  I have dreamed about those beautiful, soft lips for so long now, they are just so enticing to finally see up close again.

  His red eyes continue to watch me take him all in. Does he remember me yet? Does he think I'm pretty still? Does he hate me?

  "What are you thinking?" I ask.

  He just stares at me, not giving anything away.

  His red eyes glance down at my bloody knees and I see his nostrils flare. He squeezes his eyes shut.

  "Have they been starving you?"

  Stupid question to ask when I look at him. It's so obvious that I grimace.

  "Don't answer that…I don't know why I even asked…" I mumble.

  "Can't eat," is all he gives me.

  I give him a baffled look. "Why can't you eat?"

  If I were as starved as he is, I would be able to eat an elephant.

  "Won't stay down…"

  Oh. He can't keep his food down. If you can't eat you can't live…this thought scares the hell out of me because I can see that he's dying.

  "We have to find a way to get you to keep it down, Shadow. I can't lose you again."

  He frowns at me as if he's confused and appalled at the same time.

  I finally close the rest of the distance between us. He jumps and ba
ngs his head into the wall when I sit down directly in front of him.

  What has happened to him to make him so afraid of everything?

  "What have they done to you?" I whisper, reaching my hand out to touch his face. He squirms away from my hand and burrows into the corner even farther. I decide not to touch him. I thought he would have missed my affection but it's like he can't bare the thought of being touched by me.

  I try so hard not to take it as rejection but hurt radiates through me.

  He notices. "I just…don't like to be touched." I see his throat work to swallow nervously.

  "I won't touch you then, unless you want me to. You have my word." I whisper.

  I think he believes me because he seems to relax a little.

  "So what have they done to you?" Do I even want to know?

  He snorts. "What haven't they done to me?" His tone is weak, and pitiful.

  "I'm so sorry that it took so long to find you, Shadow. We loo-"

  "I don't go by that name anymore," he interrupts. "I haven't in a long time."

  I'm taken aback.

  "Well what name do you go by now?'

  "Freak, mostly. Sometimes Half-ling."

  "Shadow, I'm not--"

  "DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

  It startles me but I calm down quickly and swallow.

  I try again.

  "I'm not going to call you, Freak," I say aghast, "so you best pick something else or Shadow it is."

  He purses his lips like a stubborn child and rolls his eyes.

  "Why are you even here?" he all but spits.

  It hurts that he doesn't want me here after all of the promises we made and everything we went through to be together.

  "Did you just forget everything so easily?!" I yell brokenly. "What about our promises? Huh? Our plan to escape and live together happily, away from this miserable place! Do you even care? Did you even miss me at all?"

  I am crying now and for once I don't care. He seems to be a little uncomfortable though.

  His eyes flick all around us, avoiding me at all costs. Apparently, it's the torch or a crying female…he has to pick his foe.

  "Answer me!" I screech.

  I am mad and I can't help my emotions. Six months worth of them are flowing out now; the damn has burst open.

  His red eyes land on me again, intent and determined and a little daring.

  "I did at first…"

  "Then what?" I hiss, "you just forgot about me and didn't care anymore? You didn't love me as much as I loved you or you would have missed me so bad you couldn't stand it! You'd be happy to see me now, not mad!"

  "I didn't forget about you, I just gave up. I accepted my fate…and yours."

  I shake my head, not believing what I am hearing. "What about our promises?"

  "Well I think they pretty much went all to hell when you bonded to Gabe, don't you?" he hisses.

  He's mad now. The fire is back in those feisty red eyes.

  At least now I know that he does care. He cares enough to be jealous. That's what this is really about.

  I sigh. "Shadow, I didn't have a choice…"

  "That's not my name anymore, damnit!"

  "Shadow, Shadow, Shadow, Shadow…" I chant.

  He covers his ears.

  "I'll say it until you remember it!"

  "THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE!!!" he yells angrily, interrupting my immature taunting. His voice level was so loud that it boomed deep in his chest and feels like it is still echoing off of the walls and my thumping heart.

  I bite my lip and grind my teeth, trying so hard not to say anything to hurt him even though I really want to. I know him well enough to hurt him and hit him where it counts.

  But I'm trying not to stoop that low right now. I try to keep in mind that he is hurt. Jealous. It's the worst kind of pain to think a lover betrayed you.

  I calm my voice down, and try to show my sorrow and regret through my tone. "I was forced. Gabe was going to tell them and choose another mate. It was the deadline that night, and he was mad. He was tired of waiting."

  I swallow.

  "I would have been cast out as a play thing for the Hell Horde if I would have denied him."

  He balls his fists up and some muscles bulge in his biceps and I can't imagine how they are as large as they are in this emaciated body of his.

  "Did you enjoy it?" he grits out through his teeth.

  Like I would say yes anyways, but is he insane? Why even ask that?

  "You won't believe me if I say no. How am I even supposed to answer that?"

  He snorts. "Like I care. I just hope it was worth it to you."

  I blow air through my lips, puffing my cheeks out. I am so frustrated.

  "I don't even know why but I am going to answer you. No, I didn't enjoy it, if you must know. I just lied there until Gabe found his pleasure and I was near tears with guilt and pain."

  He glances away. I know he wants to believe me, but knowing him he isn't going to let himself. He's a masochist of late. He will torture himself if no one else will.

  "That's too bad," he snorts.

  Ah yeah, there it is. The cynicism. He dares to let himself hope.

  "Don't sit there and lie to yourself! I am not lying to you! I wanted you. I hate all this. I don't care if I do or don't ever have sex again!" I raise my voice again. How does he make me so hot and cold at the same time?

  "Yeah me either. I've had enough sex to last me a lifetime. In fact I beg them to leave me alone lately."

  My body goes rigid and my blood turns cold.

  I can't find anything to say, because I'm just not sure how to ask. I don't want to know. But the emotions swamp me: jealousy, rage, madness.

  I could kill right now.

  My body shakes with pent up anger.

  "With?" is all I can get out. Emphasis on the 'th' and it sounds demented and deep, nothing like my voice.

  He scoffs. He freaking scoffs at me! "With whomever they throw in here to rape me, that's who! Kind, gender, size, age, nothing matters to them!"

  "Why do they do that?! Why do you do it?!"

  He runs a hand through his messy hair. "They are trying to bond me to someone, anyone, so that I can keep the blood down. They think I'll be able to drink from my mate and keep it down…and I do it because they drug us both and I really can't control myself."

  I stand on unsteady legs, putting my hand to my forehead and stumble over to the cell door slowly. I grab hold of the cold metal bars and try to bend them and shake them.

  Suddenly, all of my rage, anger, frustration, and heartbreak become so overwhelming that I can't contain it. I can't hold it back any longer and it just bursts out of me.

  "I AM GOING TO KILL THEM ALL!" I scream, enraged.

  I turn, back to the cold metal and slide down onto my butt.

  He laughs and I see his fangs for the first time since I've been in here. They makes my pulse jump erratically.

  Yes, even at a time like this.

  Why do I love them so much?

  Memories run through my mind of him biting my neck and my body warms up instantly. I feel the blood rush to my face and glance away hoping he won't notice.

  When I glance sideways at him, I notice that he has stiffened and his eyes are heavy lidded.

  I try to distract us both. "Why do they care- if--if you live or die?" I whisper breathily.

  He swallows and his eyes meet mine again. "They said something about me being a progeny or something. They dosed me with things that no one else has been able to live through and I gave them the results they've dreamed of. They plan on me being some kind of secret weapon again the Hell Horde," he scoffs. "After this I would join the Hell Horde just to kill them for fun." He smiles and it makes that whole admission creepy. He has a happy gleam in his eyes talking about killing them. It's so unlike the Shadow that I remember.

  "I loved you," I whisper. "I loved you so much."

  He seems shocked and confused as to where that came from but he doesn't
say anything. He doesn't tell me that he loved me too.

  "Oh really? I didn't know that if you loved someone you could screw someone else so easily."

  And we are back to this again.

  I throw my hands up in defeat.

  I look up and squeeze my eyes shut for courage and then walk back toward him. "I guess I'm just a stupid slut to you?!"

  His eyes follow me and I see his throat work to swallow again.

  "What the hell did I even come after you for? I risked my life for you!" I cry.

  "I don't know why, that's what I keep asking you," he says.

  "You're such an asshole! I don't even know why I came! You're not the same boy that I fell in love with. I shouldn't have risked my life to come, I hate you!" I scream.

  I instantly regret saying it. I don't hate him. Emotions and hurt just caused it to fly out of my mouth. It's that I love him so much that's the problem. He can hurt me so easily because of how much I love him.

  Something flickers in his eyes, maybe hurt, but it's gone so fast that I may have imagined it. His eyes flicker past me, probably to the torch. I forgot about that stupid torch.

  I turn to go put it out somehow, probably with dirt, but stop dead in my tracks facing an authority just inside of the cell door.

  "We all hate him, that's why we treat him so badly," the authority tells me, his voice thickly accented.

  I gulp.

  He smiles and it sends a chill through my body.

  He says something in the other language to the group of authorities just outside of the cell and one comes forward with a syringe and shackles. I back up with my hands out, pleadingly.

  He tisks at me.

  "You are a pretty little thing, yes? An angel?"

  I don't answer. A deep and threatening growl erupts from Shadow that sends chills down my spine.

  "Interesting," he says. He says something else to his comrade. Someone hands him another set of shackles. "We have been trying to get this one to eat, yeah?" he cants his head towards Shadow. "But when we finally get him to eat, he can't keep the blood down."

  I just glare at him.

  "Maybe we will try your blood," he suggests, suddenly gripping my arm too tightly, causing me to wince.

  "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER!" Shadow threatens menacingly from the corner.

  "Temper, temper," the authority tisks.