My Immortal

by Anastasia Dangerfield

  "What happened to you?" Disgust drips from my voice. I turn every ounce of hurt into hate and let it show in each of my words and the tone I deliver them with. "You're right, you don't deserve me. You aren't half the man you used to be! You're just hiding behind your past because you're scared. You used to be brave, honorable, and courageous! You were respectable! Worthy! It had nothing to do with where you came from or how. Now you are just hiding behind all of that! Pity me, pity me! Poooooor Shadow! Well guess what? I'm done with you! You're dead to me."

  I run off into the dark woods, not caring where I am going, only caring what I am getting far, far away from.

  Because he is as dark as the night, inside and out.

  Chapter Nine

  I run until my feet are wet with water from the stream. It's shockingly cold to my senses and I gasp, all of my hairs standing on end.

  Voices echo up ahead of me next to a fire. I can't make them out from here but I know it's my friends.

  I make myself comfortable leaning against a tree, listening to the stream crackle and pop as it flows next to me. All of this emotional turmoil has drained me and I find myself nodding off just as I think I may have finally accepted defeat where Shadow is concerned.

  I'm jostled awake to find myself in someone's arms.

  "Didn't mean to wake you," a familiar voice whispers but my eyes are unfocused and my mind is hazy in all of my confusion.

  I can't see the face of my carrier.

  So I know it's not one with glowing red eyes.

  I drift back to sleep and enter dreamland not too long thereafter.

  I'm suddenly awake but there is no light whatsoever. I'm also tied to what feels like a wooden post if the splinters piercing my back when I breathe are any indication.

  A forceful blow to my stomach knocks the breath out of me and my body's response is to double over but I can't. I am restrained and instead I suck in a breathless gasp, rubbing those splinters into my sensitive flesh.

  My heart beats a thousand beats per minute but I am trying not to panic. I'm trying to rein it in.

  Another blow, this one to my temple and my head rings loudly.

  "Where's your night vision at now, freak?" one of the Guards asks.

  I distract myself by noting everything that I can in the darkness that might help me in any situation.

  I know from experience that if I let my temper get the best of me my eyes will burn red and my fangs will elongate.

  It makes the Guards happy when that happens and they shoot me with a few trial syringes that react badly each and every time.

  They study me in all sorts of ways, painful and uncomfortable.

  If I did let my natural instincts flare I would be able to see at least. The red is my night vision of sorts, among other things.

  I must find my happy place and think of Alexia. She's the only thing that keeps me sane in this hell that I'm living. She keeps me calm and my temper in check. Red eyes and teeth held back.

  She keeps me alive.

  For now.

  "Well, I didn't want to have to do this, but you disappoint me, Shadow." His voice I hate. It has become familiar but I never get to see his face. I would love to stare him in the eyes, that way if I ever get free he will be the first one to die.

  A torch is lit and it draws my attention being the only thing I can see.

  "Tsk tsk tsk," the evil man tutts. "Why look away? Face your nemesis."

  My lip curls and I can't keep my wrath in check. "I would if you would show your ugly face."

  There is a moment's pause before he speaks again. "If you could see me right now, you would see a huge smile on my face because nothing brings me more pleasure than burning you with this fire and watching your little fangs appear and those two red orbs."

  The Guard with the torch jabs in towards me, taunting me and I cringe back into the splinters feeling liquid trickle down my sensitive flesh of my back. No doubt it's more of my blood.

  "You'll never figure out how to replicate those kinds of things. The Overlord is crazy if he thinks he can do that. He's not a god!"

  He laughs deep and cryptically.

  "Ugly and stupid too. You should have never been born! But to correct your idiocy, we aren't trying to replicate them. We are aiming to make them a permanent, constant feature on our new weapon against those of your kind. And the Hell Horde."

  A Guard walks forward and shows me his gleaming knife in the torch light before he makes a gash in his palm. Blood wells to the surface and he sticks it up to my nose.

  I grit my teeth together and hold my breath. Male laughter taunts me, echoing off of barren walls.

  I recite what I noted in my head of my surroundings: surrounded by dirt walls that cause an echo, no windows so we must be underground, and…and the Guard spears his bloody palm onto my nose. I turn my head but his blood is dripping from my nose now and my breath is short. I open my mouth for air, trying my best not to smell anything.

  "Don't fight it. You're just wasting everyone's time. You haven't had blood in a week, I know you're ravenous. Just take what's been given to you."

  The blood runs down from my nose, small amounts pooling into the corners of my mouth. I shut my lips tightly but now I'm screwed. I have to either open my mouth for air or my nose. I will either taste it or smell it.

  I open my mouth and it leaks in, bursting with robust flavor on my tongue. My gums are severed moments later by my long, throbbing fangs. I spit the blood out, refusing to swallow that filth, even if to just make a point.

  "I will die before I live off of any of you."

  The Guard snarls from somewhere behind me and I want nothing more than to see the coward's face!

  "It is you that is not worthy of our blood you idiot! You may yet have your wish and this world will be a better place without a freak like you in it! Burn him!"

  My body trembles from my insane lust of the man's blood. My tongue is thick with want and my throat is dry and sore.

  The man thrusts the torch at my stomach and hot fire ignites me. I quiver and thrash, tearing up what's left of my back.

  My back starts trembling, like it always does when they start in on me with the fire, and I know that my wings are going to try and spring forth, only to be blocked by the wooden post I am shackled against.

  The ice water is a blessed relief more than a shock. They throw it on my stomach to snuff the fire. I don't dare look down at my burnt flesh.

  My back is still trembling and I try my best to hold back. I grind my teeth together and chant my love's name.

  Oh Alexia, I whisper like a prayer.

  I'm afraid of what I am to become. If I make it through this, I don't think my mind will be the same.

  If you're listening, and you can hear this…I'm sorry, and I love you. I always will.

  "He's fighting it, Sir," the Guard with the torch explains.

  All is quiet but for my teeth chattering and my ragged pants.

  "Turn him around. I want those wings."

  "Yes, Sir!"

  Someone fiddles with the chains around my wrists and the next thing I know I am on the ground.

  "Hold him you moron! He could get away!"

  "With all due respect, he can't even stand on his own."

  Someone lifts me, arms under mine and then I am hugging the splinter ridden post. I am sure that they roughen it up between my sessions.

  My wrists are secured again and I see that it's a new face, a Guard I don't recognize. A young one. He stares into my eyes and I barely have the strength to hold mine open.

  He doesn't know that I can see him probably, because the light is behind me along with the torch.

  "On with it!"

  All I feel is a hot, electrical pinch on my back that is a million, tiny, open wounds and then I feel numbness.

  Followed by cold and it's so cold it burns a slow, unbearable sting.

  "You passed out on us. Which just means we will have to do it again. You know your wings can't come out
when you're not even lucid."

  Before I can really figure out if this is a nightmare or reality they torch my back again. I tremble and hold my wings in with all of my might but it's no use.

  They spring forth and I am in all of my beauty: wings, fangs, eyes.

  Guards rush at me and stick me with more syringes. My vision swims and everything turns hazy almost immediately.

  I lose all sensation in my neck and my head droops forward and lands against the post, rough to my forehead.

  My breathing turns ragged and all I hear is my heart beating and my breath wheezing and I think they may have finally given me an injection meant to kill me.

  Oh well, freedom at last, I think.

  One sound does register above my wheezing and heart throb, and it's the sound of steel against it's sheathe.

  All hope leaves me and I close my eyes, letting despair set in.

  I flap my wings to keep the Guards away, only knocking a few back. Next thing I know, my wings are severed from my body and my eyes fly open, not seeing anything except for her face in my memory.

  I wake suddenly in a blind panic. I knife into a sitting position and the first thing I notice is the fire not far from me.

  My hands fly to my mouth, my stomach, and then over my shoulder to my back. I finally inhale and it's a shaky one.

  I am in one, healthy piece. No burns, no cuts, and no severed wings.

  I look around me, surveying the scene.

  Wraith and Kaia are curled into each other fast asleep across from me, on the other side of the fire.

  The wind blows against my skin and causes chill bumps, but I am just close enough to the fire that whoever carried me was hoping I wouldn't get too cold, and not too hot either.

  Looking right behind me is Gabriel, and looking back into my memory I know that he's the one that found me asleep against that tree and carried me here to sleep, safe and sound under his protection.

  I scan for Shadow, whose dream I just had. I haven't had one in a while, but the fact that he really went through that just tears me open inside.

  I'm not sure if it's his dream that I share or if it's his memory, but my eyes finally land on him and his red eyes are watching me, boring into me.

  Has he been asleep? Does he know I just had that nightmare?

  Next to him is Jezebel and my heart explodes before dropping into my stomach like it felt when I fell off of that cliff.

  He is sitting up with knee up, leaning back on his hands with her head on his straight leg.

  He's letting her lay her head on him?

  He's letting her touch him now, to make matters worse. Why not shove the knife in and twist it-right?

  I frown trying to grasp this, and then accepting it past all of my hurt.

  Feelings of betrayal try to spring forth but I won't look at it like that. I won't let those feelings cause anymore dissension between us. He thinks he doesn't deserve me and he's wrong.

  He didn't ask for this life he was handed, but I am going to help him accept it.

  We are the only ones awake, and it doesn't look like he has had much sleep as I examine the dark circles under his heavy eyelids from here.

  I stand up, and put one foot in front of the other until I am seated beside him.

  He doesn't turn his head to look at me; we both just stare at the fire. Although he is farther away from the fire than the rest of us were sleeping, he is still close enough that it's uncomfortable for him, and I know he's doing it for her.

  I sigh and we just sit together for half an hour. The fire pops and sizzles and I throw little sticks and twigs on it from all around me until there are none left.

  I pick a blade of grass and sit cross legged, picking it apart, trying to figure out how to blurt out what I want to say.

  "Have you told her?" I whisper.

  He glances at me quickly and then just as quickly looks back at the fire of all places.

  "Yes."

  "How did she react? What did you say?"

  He frowns at me. "Why do you want to know, Alexia? I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. Can we talk about something else?"

  "After you tell me about the conversation."

  He blows out a frustrated breath. "I told her she was pregnant, that I tasted it in her blood. Her eyes got really big and she was shocked for a moment. Then when it sank in she asked me if I knew about how far along. I told her it seemed about a week or two. But it must be only a week because, well, that's when it happened."

  I nod my head a few times.

  "Are you happy now?" he asks. "I doubt it."

  "Did you tell her that she will have to drink your blood soon? And that you will have to drink mine?"

  "Actually I walked off after that and tried to find you, but I saw Gabe carrying you to the fire and you were asleep. But Wraith explained all of that to her. He also told her that it only takes 6 weeks for most shifter mothers to deliver a baby. However, demon babies are completely formed at 4 weeks, so we don't really know what to expect."

  I inhale deeply and nod some more because that means I don't have to speak just yet.

  I think about me and examine my feelings. It occurs to me that the only reason I feel this way is because I didn't get something I wanted. Just because I wanted him doesn't mean he was mine. I didn't have some special claim on him. He is his own person. He can make his own decisions. But that doesn't mean that I can't tell him how I feel about him and make me wants clear. The rest is his decision.

  Suddenly, I decide to stop focusing on my own wants, and focus on him. Giving him what he wants and what he needs after going through such a traumatic past and being tortured so recently because of me and him.

  Maybe he resents me on some level because of that. If it were never for us, he wouldn't have gotten in trouble.

  I glance down and see where his hand is and then I gently rest my hand on top. "I just had another dream where I saw everything through your eyes."

  "I was wondering what you were dreaming of. You were tossing and turning, and mumbling incoherent pleas."

  I press my lips tightly together. "I know what they did to you, in the dark, with the torches and syringes, Shadow." I squeeze his hand comfortingly. "And it doesn't change anything. I know that you think you are damaged, and that you've lost your soul, but it's just a way of coping. Your mind tells you that so that you can accept it more easily. You feel guilty, and disgusted with yourself that you did those things, but the thing is, you didn't! You were raped, not the other way around! You were drugged, and you were beaten! The fact that you feel guilty just proves that you still have a soul and are a good person who didn't deserve any of this."

  I look back to the campfire. I glance at my friends and they are either still fast asleep or pretending to be. Jezebel hasn't moved either so I continue.

  I clear my throat. "You may not care what I think, or how I feel right now. But I care about how you feel and what you are going through. I care because I love you, Shadow. I love you as a friend, as a lover, as everything I crave. Please don't resent me because we got caught--"

  "Is that what you think?" he hisses. "That I resent you?"

  My mouth is open but I can't reply because I'm shocked.

  "I don't. It's not that, not at all. I have told you a million times! You are too good for me. You're pure and innocent and beautiful and I'm tainted, damaged, burned and scarred."

  "No," I say softly, reaching up to his face and turning it towards me. "You're none of those things. Not at all." I smile. "When I look at you, I see a boy with a good heart, who has endured more than anyone and is yet still alive. He is determined and strong, he will protect me no matter what. He is honest and respectable…when he is not feeling sorry for himself. He has the most beautiful eyes I have ever imagined, and I used to dream of them when I was little. I see someone who has scars to prove that what didn't kill him made him stronger, and Shadow, you have a prophesy and you are going to rise up out of the depths of the pits of your
personal hell and you are going to overcome." A tear trails down my cheek but I'm smiling, in awe of this demon I love.

  "It's going to be big. You have a terrible past, but you're going to have an even better future, and that's what you need to focus on."

  His eyes flash and his nostrils flare. A heartbreakingly familiar expression crosses his face. It's the one that I used to see when he was an innocent half-ling hiding from the authorities but professing his dying love for an angel.

  I see it when he accepts something in his eyes and everything seems a little more positive. His eyes don't seem so lifeless and dull, now they are filling with hope again. Determination.

  "You saved me, Shadow, and now I want to save you too."

  His eyes flick down to my lips and excitement and hope flare in my chest.

  Then he looks away and shakes his head.

  "I want to see myself the way you do, but I just don't. I can't allow myself to start hoping for the same things. I was blinded by love when I thought we could be together, but now I see that there is no way, it's not possible. By the gods, I am having a child with Jezebel and who knows how many other girls!"

  I cannot take this rejection after pouring out my heart and soul to him. I don't want it to be but it's like a slap in the face telling me that he's having a child with her.

  The look on his face shows that he didn't mean to say all of those words to me and for once he looks worried and afraid.

  I stand up quickly and he reaches for my hand. I jerk it away roughly and turn and run as fast as my shaky legs will carry me.

  You never loved me, I send as I run towards the darkness with all my strength. You can't stop loving me so easily if you ever loved me at all.

  Chapter Ten

  I run through the woods, not sure how I manage not to hit a tree. Limbs smack me in the face and it's a pleasant sting with all of this pain radiating through my heart and soul.

  I look back over my shoulder and cannot see the light from the fire any longer. The woods are creepy with sounds I am unfamiliar with and I do my best not to think of the Hell Horde being anywhere around, but knowing it's entirely possible.