Find Me Alastar

by T L Swan

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I hear the Irish accent say.

  I frown.

  “What the heck are you doing?” she snaps. “I nearly tripped over you.”

  “I’m sorry. My apologies,” I hear him say as he disappears down the steps.

  I stand and rush to the door.

  “That weird guy was just asleep on our doorstop.”

  “W-who?” I stammer, wide-eyed.

  “That Irish knob.” I lean over the stair rail and, sure enough, see Alastar running down the stairs in double time to escape.

  What the fuck?

  I take off after him. “Alastar?” I call as I run down the stairs.

  He doesn’t stop as he disappears down the staircase.

  “Alastar!” I call again. He keeps going and I run faster down the stairs. What the hell was he doing here?

  I hear the front door open and I run down the bottom two flights and burst out into the cool morning air after him. The sun is just rising and it’s freezing with morning dew blanketing the streets. I look up and down the street and see him walking away, still in his suit from last night. Fog is steaming in front of his mouth as he breathes.

  “Alastar!” I call. “Stop… Please, stop.”

  He freezes and stays facing away from me, his hands in his pockets and his head bowed.

  I run up behind him on the street. “What are you doing?” I call.

  He turns to face me, but he doesn’t say anything.

  I stop and put my hands onto my hips as I try to catch my breath. Holy shit, I am so unfit. I pant like I am about to have a heart attack.

  My eyes search his. “You slept outside my apartment?”

  He nods once.

  I frown. “Why?”

  He hesitates and swallows the lump in his throat. “Because… I miss you.”

  Chapter 18

  I stare at him as my brain misfires.

  His eyes hold mine as he steps towards me.

  “I said I miss you, Em.” He hesitates. “Did you hear me?”

  I have imagined this exact moment every night for eight weeks. I’ve dreamt that he came to me and professed missing me. We would kiss and I would say it’s okay and everything would be as it should be. But now he is here doing it… I feel nothing but rage.

  “How big of you,” I sneer.

  His face falls.

  I shake my head in disgust. “Go home, Alastar.”

  “I don’t want to. I want to see you.” He whispers.

  “Yeah, well, you’ve seen me.” I hold out my hands sarcastically. “Go home, because I don’t want to see you.”

  “Emmaline.” He goes to grab my hand and I snatch it away from his grip.

  “Don’t you dare Emmaline me!” His face falls. “I think… I made a mistake.” My furious eyes hold his. He thinks he made a mistake. Who the heck does this guy think he is?

  “You made a mistake, alright.”

  “Please don’t be angry at me,” he whispers. “This is a complicated relationship.”

  That’s it. I turn on him like I’m the devil himself. “How fucking dare you?”

  He steps back in surprise.

  “The last time I saw you, I was crying like a baby at your house, begging for you to talk to me about this and—”

  He cuts me off. “It was a terrible day. Don’t bring that up.”

  My eyes bulge from their sockets. “Don’t bring it up!” I scream. “Don’t bring it up?” I turn to walk away. No. I need to say this. I turn around and poke him hard in the chest. “You. Left. Me. Heartbroken in your house without a care in the world about my feelings. I will never forgive you for that as long as I live. I have never been so humiliated, and I can’t believe I lowered myself to beg you to love me. This is not a complicated relationship, Alastar.” I shake my head as my adrenaline starts to pump. “It is plain and simple what happened to us.”

  “And what’s that?” he snaps as his anger starts to boil.

  “One of us fell in love. One of us didn’t.”

  “Don’t give me that shit. You know damn well that I have feelings for you,” he yells.

  I shake my head in disgust. “Well, if that’s how you treat someone you have...” I hold my fingers up to accentuate my next words, “feelings for, I hope that nobody ever has feelings for me again.”

  “Calm down on the bitchy for two minutes and talk to me,” he fires back.

  My anger hits its peak.

  “Fuck you! I have every right to be a bitch and I do not have to listen to a selfish prick like you talk shit.”

  “Yes, you do! And we are having dinner tonight to discuss this.” He yells infuriated that he isn’t getting his way.

  “No, we are not. We have nothing to discuss.” I turn and storm to my apartment.

  “Calm down. I am coming back later!” he calls after me. “I will pick you up for dinner at six.”

  “Go fuck yourself. I wont be here.” I scream as I enter my building and slam the door behind me. I take the stairs two at a time, and with every stair I climb, I feel a little of my mojo return.

  God, that was cathartic. I feel ten feet tall. He bloody deserved that. Who does he think he is?

  Screw him.

  I walk into my apartment with renewed vigor and barge straight into Hank’s room to see that he is still asleep. I lie next to him on top of the blankets.

  “What are you doing?” He groans with his back to me, still half asleep. “Go. Away.”

  “I just told Alastar to go fuck himself.” I smile in the semi-dark room. For some reason I feel like a major weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

  Maybe I just needed closure?

  With his eyes still closed and his hair all over his face, Hank holds up his hand. I smile broadly and high five it.

  I lie on my back, fold my arms in front of me and smile proudly up at the ceiling. “We are going out tonight.” I smile triumphantly.

  “Hmm.” He groans.

  “We are leaving at five.” I smirk as I look over at him and flick his ear to annoy him.

  “Hmm.” He swats my hand away.

  “We are getting you some action tonight. Brielle and Vanessa are coming.” I rub his shoulder.

  “Hmm.” He continues trying to sleep.

  “Hell. I might get laid, too.” I smile, and for the first time in a long time, I feel in control.

  “Hmm.”

  I elbow him in the back. “Do you want pancakes?” I ask.

  “Does that mean you will get out?” He sighs.

  I smile broadly. “Yes, but you will have to get up to eat them, and then you are coming shopping with me for the day. I need a kick ass outfit for tonight.”

  “Ugh.” He groans and punches his pillow. “It’s Saturday, Emerson.”

  I stand and put my hands onto my hips. “Yes, it is, and I’m back, baby. I’m back.”

  “You’re painful when you’re back.”

  * * *

  “Where are you?” I ask Brielle down the phone. After dragging Hank shopping all morning he has had enough and has escaped home to do an assignment that is due on Monday. I am meeting Brielle for lunch to discuss the surprising current affairs.

  “Just coming around the corner now.”

  I look up and see her turn the corner, beaming like an idiot.

  I stare at her. “What?”

  She bites her lip to stifle her smile. “What do you mean?” She links her arm with mine and we turn to walk to the café.

  “What’s with the stupid grin?” I ask.

  “We are going out tonight.”

  I frown. “Who?”

  “Mr. Masters and me.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Nope.”

  “How did this happen? I thought we were going out?” I frown.

  “His date cancelled so he asked me to come to a function with him.”

  I stand still on the spot and she nearly pulls my arm out the socket.

  “Tonight?” I snap.


  She nods proudly.

  “Where are the kids going?”

  She laughs. “Who cares? I need to get laid and I need Mr. Masters to do the job.” I shake my head. “Frigging hell, this is unexpected. You are the shittiest nanny by the way.”

  She laughs and throws me a wink. “I agree with you.” We continue to walk up the street arm in arm. “We need to go shopping after lunch and get me a sexy outfit.” She smiles excitedly.

  “Like you need a sexy outfit to seduce him.”

  She shakes her head and we walk up the steps into our new favorite lunch hang out. We always order the same things and head straight to the counter to order. It shortens our waiting time.

  “Can I help you?” The super cute waiter smiles at us. Brielle and my eyes meet. We have had many a conversation about how we would like to tie this guy to our beds and punish him for hours. He is a definite attraction for this place’s female customer base.

  “Two Thai beef salads and two diet Cokes please,” I order.

  He smiles broadly at me and Brielle discretely puts her hand on her chest as she silently swoons.

  He turns his back to us to get our table number sign and our eyes immediately drop to his cute behind. What a pair of dirty perverts we are.

  “I will bring it out.” He smiles.

  We walk over to the table. “God damn, I could do him some damage right there on this table. He’s insane,” Brielle murmurs, her eyes stay fixed on him as she pats the table in front of us.

  “I know, right.” Our eyes both linger on him behind the counter.

  Our drinks arrive. “Thank you.” We both smile.

  “So, how did this happen?” I ask.

  “Well, it was after I spoke to you, so about ten.”

  I look a her deadpan. “He knocked on your door about ten?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “You should have given him a masturbation show and returned the favor.” She nods and rolls her eyes. “Anyway, he asked if I was free tonight and if I would accompany him to his dinner.”

  I smile.

  She smirks.

  “Did he say he didn’t have a date and you are the reserve, or is he asking you to be his date of his own accord?” She shrugs. “I don’t know. I heard him telling Willow that he was taking me this morning.”

  “What did she say?”

  “She rolled her eyes and said he is old enough to be my father.”

  I bite my bottom lip in horror. “Really? What did he say to that?”

  “He didn’t answer, but I really wanted to jump around the corner and point in her face and say, I have seen his dick in action and there is no sign of ageing in it at all, little Miss Bitch face.”

  “I would have paid big money to watch you say that,” I mumble with my mouth full.

  She looks at me, deadpan. “This witch is going to make my life a living nightmare, I just know it.”

  I smirk. “Wait till she finds out that you’re frothing over Daddy dearest and all the disgusting things you want to do to him.”

  “Hmm.” She winks deviously as she shovels way too much salad into her mouth.

  I chew my food as I watch her. “Alastar came over this morning.”

  She frowns. “What?”

  I nod. “This morning, when Ness was going to work… she found him asleep sitting next to the door.”

  She frowns into her Coke. “Why?”

  I shrug. “I think he rang me from there last night and fell asleep.”

  She shakes her head in confusion. “Hang on. When did he ring you?”

  I widen my eyes. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. He rang me at two in the morning.”

  “What did he say?”

  I shrug. “Nothing really. He just asked if I was alright and if I needed to go to the hospital.”

  “Why in the hell would you need to go to the hospital? I’m fucking confused.”

  “Remember I said I was sick so I had to leave last night.” “How does that equate to you needing to go to the hospital?” She frowns.

  “Beats me.”

  She shovels her food into her mouth. “What else did he say?”

  “Well, when he rang me he was all silent on the phone and I think he was waiting for me to ask him to come over.”

  She shakes her head in disgust. “Fucking booty call. What a twat.”

  I nod. “I know.”

  “Then what?”

  “This morning Ness found him. When I heard his accent, he took off down the stairs as if embarrassed and I chased him.”

  She looks at me deadpan. “Why would you chase him?”

  “I don’t know, but I did and then he was all I miss you and we should talk about it and go out for dinner.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Ugh. Fuck, this guy pisses me off.”

  I nod and smile broadly.

  Her shoulders slump. “You’re going to go aren’t you?”

  I shake my head proudly. “Nope.”

  Her disbelieving eyes hold mine.

  “I told him to fuck off, actually.”

  She smirks. “If you told him to fuck off there is no way you would be so frigging happy.”

  I smile. “I don’t know. I feel okay. I think I just needed some acknowledgement from him that he regretted being a dick.”

  She shakes her head. “He was more than a dick.”

  “I know.” I smile sadly. “I would have loved to go out to dinner with him to hear what he had to say, though.”

  Her eyes hold mine as she thinks.

  “But I’m not,” I add.

  “Good.” She shovels more food. “Don’t go there. If he breaks you once then that’s his fault. If he breaks you twice then it’s on you.”

  I nod as I think. “I wish things were different I know we could have been really good together.”

  “Yeah, well… He’s a fucktard. Stay the hell away from him.”

  * * *

  Two hours later, we are in shopping hell. “So, what is the look you are going for?” I ask Brielle.

  “Hmm.” She narrows her eyes in thought. “This woman is not my nanny and is so hot that I need to have passionate sex with her all night.”

  I look at her flatly. “Honestly?”

  She shakes her head is disgust. “I should never have watched him do that in his bathroom. I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s obscene the thoughts I am having around the dinner table when the kids are there.”

  “Maybe you should just shag Thomas? It would put a few of your fires out, so to speak?”

  “Hmm.”

  “Then you could stop imagining being on your knees and giving your boss head under the dinner table.”

  She smiles broadly. “How do you know that’s what I’m thinking?”

  I raise my eyebrows, I’ve got her. I know how that dirty mind of hers works.

  She shakes her head as she flicks through the racks of clothes. “Who am I kidding, that’s totally what I’m thinking about,” she sighs.

  * * *

  I stand and look at myself in the bathroom mirror at the club. I have made an extra effort into how I look tonight, and I feel excited and fresh in my new threads. I am wearing a tight, strapless, magenta dress with strappy gold heels to compliment the look. I’m going for sexy and, hopefully, fun. I’m feeling more myself at Club Alto with my two roommates. Brielle curled my hair with hot rollers this afternoon and I have smoky eyes while my lips are glossed to the maximum. We even went all out and bought new sexy lace underwear to match our dresses. Brielle ended up buying a strapless black number, and I told her that if Mr. Masters can resist her in that, he’s definitely batting for the other team.

  Me, however… I have a different mission. I’m going to have fun. Alastar has been on my mind but I am keeping my thoughts as far away from him as possible. He has rung me three times today and, although I haven’t answered his calls, I have been excited each time to see his name light up my screen.

  If only things were different.

  I trul
y wish they were.

  I can feel myself caving by the hour. I want to hear what he has to say. Why did he lie?

  I make my way out to my two friends who are standing with two men. I smile. One of the men asked me out when we were here last weekend. He’s tall, blonde and nice looking. His name is Ethan. He’s easy to talk to and uncomplicated, unlike Alastar. I know I can’t fall in love with him, though. He’s a safe option. I may have declined his offer last week, but if he asks me to dance tonight I might take him up on it. Why not?

  He smiles broadly when he sees me.

  “Hello.” He smiles as he kisses me on the cheek.

  “Hello.” I smile back as I take my drink from Hank and sip it.

  His friend Matt has brown, curly, long hair and is seemingly interested in Vanessa. We were here with them last week and were all instructing Hank on his pick up moves. We had a fun night and ended up having Pizza at 3am.

  “How has your week been?” he asks.

  “Good.” I nod. “Busy. And you?”

  “Same.” He smiles. Hank watches a girl walk past. “You should go talk to her,” Ethan instructs him.

  Hank screws up his face. “She’s not really my type.”

  “What’s your type?” I ask.

  “I don’t know really,” he mutters dryly. “But not her.”

  Two hours and fifty not-my-type girls later, I am on the dance floor with Ethan. Hank is dancing with a girl next to me and Vanessa is full on making out with Matt up against a wall. We have been drinking cocktails and acting like fifteen year olds. I am beyond tipsy and trying to stop myself laughing at Hank’s daggy dancing. It’s hot on the dance floor and I need some fresh air.

  “I’m going to the bathroom.” I signal.

  Ethan and Hank smile, waving me off as I go to the bathroom and head back to our bench table. I sit for about five minutes before a waiter walks over with a tray and puts a tequila down in front of me. “A gift from the man at the bar.”

  My heart skips a beat.

  He’s here.

  My eyes shoot up and there his is. Alastar is standing at the bar alone with a tequila shot in his hand. Towering above the rest of the crowd, he is in a black V-neck t-shirt and blue jeans. His curls are messy and his big beautiful kissable lips smile my way.