by J. L. Beck
“Why?” Confusion laced her words as she spoke. I lay down next to her pulling her into my chest, and wrapping my arms tightly around her.
“I didn’t use a condom, and we’ve always used condoms….” I felt as if I had betrayed her by not getting a condom out of my wallet and slipping it on.
“I’m safe. You’re safe. Plus, it’s not really that bad when you think about it….” She drifted off her words becoming slurred.
“Why’s that? I asked curiously loving the feel of her body against mine. I craved these moments when I was in the desert wondering if I would ever make it back home to her.
“How do you think… Lola got here?” There was a brief pause between her words and I pieced the entire sentence together in my mind, the air in my lungs turning stale as I realized what it was she had just said.
“Mia….” I urged her to answer me, but instead, I was greeted with a loud snore. If what she said was really true then that meant that Lola was mine, and if that was the case Mia wasn’t going to have a chance to stay no to me.
I thought longer about Lola, her cute little button nose, and big blue eyes.
“Fuck…” I muttered under my breath, it hit me then like a ton of bricks against my chest. Lola had my eyes, my blue eyes. How hadn’t I noticed that before?
I laid in silence feeling Mia’s warm body beneath my hands, analyzing over how much I had missed. It all made sense now, why Mia was so angry, and sad when she saw me. She had done all of this on her own.
But why? Because you broke up with her asshole.
I hadn’t hated myself more in my life than I did right now, knowing that I had a daughter with the woman I loved and that I had screwed it all up. I needed to find a way to make things right with Mia. I needed our family to come together. I wasn’t going to be that kind of Dad to my children, the kind that was absent and never cared for them.
“I’m sorry Mia. So fucking sorry…” I apologized out loud though I knew she wouldn’t remember a word I had said if she even heard it to begin with. I was a prick, a selfish idiot. I thought when I walked away from Mia I was saving her. I didn’t know I was leaving her all alone with a baby on the way.
I pulled her in closer to my chest, wanting to embed myself deep inside her. Even with her right here never to me it still seemed like we were a million miles away from each other, that space while it was my fault it separated us in the first place. Come morning I would get my emotions under control and confront her about what she told me, but for right now I was going to relish in the feeling of the woman I loved being in my arms again.
Shutting my eyes slowly my thoughts drifted to Lola. The sweet little-blued beauty that I now knew was my daughter. I was a Dad, and I was going to be the best one I could be from this moment on.
Chapter Seven
Mia
I was never drinking again. Ever. The night’s events were a blur but the fact that I awoke next to Jake naked, with a delicious ache between my thighs told me all I needed to know.
Fuck! I swore internally to myself. I wasn’t strong enough to withstand his charm apparently hence the naked state of my body. Sucking in a deep breath I shrugged his hand off my arm, praying he wouldn’t wake up from the movement. There was a dull ache behind my eyes that was throbbing with every single breath I took and I was certain that I looked like a hot mess.
Shit! What time was it? I needed to be at the bakery baking, not rolling around in bed with a hot hunk.
“We really should talk.” I lifted a hand to my head pressing two fingers to the side of my temple. I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to get a cup of coffee in me and forget about the mistake I had made last night by crawling into bed with him.
“I don’t really think we need to talk…” I retorted hoping he wouldn’t push the issue but knowing he would.
“Really? Because after what you told me last night I’m one hundred percent sure we should be discussing us but at the very least my our daughter Lola.” I twisted around at Lola’s name, anxiety bubbling to the surface at what he had just said. I blinked did he just say what I think he said?
“Did you just say our daughter?” I was shocked. I was terrified. But more than all of that I was confused because I didn’t remember anywhere in my blurry memory telling him that Lola was his daughter.
Jake tilted his head at me staring me down with a dark look in his eyes, his blue eyes narrowing further as he took in my shocked expression.
Should I tell him that it’s true? That he really is Lola’s father. If I had already done so last night then it wouldn’t really hurt anything, minus the fact that we really would have to talk about everything.
“I’ve known you all my life Mia so I know when you’re lying probably better than anyone else. Do not lie to me about our daughter. If I knew about it, you know I would’ve been here…” I tilted my head back, my eyes going to the ceiling as I tried to blink away the tears that threatened to fall.
There was no going back in time. There were no changing things that couldn’t be changed. Yes, Jake had a right to his daughter, but that didn’t mean that he had a right to me or my heart.
“I don’t remember telling you anything about Lola last night.” I blurted out before I could come up with something better to say.
“That’s because you were half asleep…. You begged me to fuck you and then right before you rolled over to go to sleep you told me….” Once I was sure I had the tears at bay I directed my eyes back to Jakes. He was staring at me with this primal need to make things right. He wanted the whole wife, three kids, and a big white house. I was past that. I just wanted to breathe without feeling my heart aching in my chest.
“Well, there you have it…” I threw my hands up in the air, heading in the direction of my closet. “Lola’s yours. Are you happy?” I yelled pulling on a pair of yoga pants that were hanging on a hanger in the closet. I grabbed a bra next, and then a t-shirt. I didn’t care about…
“Am I happy?” Jake growled, his front pushing against my back forcing the air from my lungs. “You hid my daughter from me? You hid your pregnancy from me?” I could feel the anger rolling off of him and slamming into me, each wave of rage threatening to pull me under.
“What did you expect?” I shoved against his front, trying to get him to move off of me. My chest was pressed against the wall, and there was no escaping this man’s touch.
“I expected you to tell me. Write me a letter. Reach out to me on social media. Something?” Hot breath fanned against my ear, as tingles ran down my spine. He was angry as he had a reason to be, but just like him, I was protecting myself.
“It wouldn’t have changed anything….” I whispered, the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears.
“It would’ve changed everything. Every. Single. Thing!” I could feel the anger in his words, and I turned around, my body rubbing against his as I did so. I wanted to kiss him, to make him feel the pain I was feeling right now. He wasn’t alone in feeling the way he felt but I was doing what I needed to do.
“You didn’t want me, Jake…. So you wouldn’t have wanted Lola. I wasn’t going to give her that kind of life. The kind of life you had…”
“She’s mine too…” I could hear the grinding of his molars and wondered how long it was going to take for him to snap. My eyes drifted to the wood floor. I couldn’t look at him. I felt bad enough hiding Lola from him, but now he was placing it all on me as if he didn’t do anything wrong.
“She is, but you weren’t here and I wasn’t going to be the one to end your military career. You wanted to travel the world….”
“None of that would’ve mattered Mia!” He lifted a fist, slamming it into the wall alongside my head. “If I knew… If I fucking knew I would’ve moved mountains to be here with you. I thought I was saving you… clearly, I was wrong…” Frustration laced his words.
Anger mounted deep inside me threatening to expel out. I clenched my fists at my sides willing myself to keep quiet, and not drag
this out but I couldn’t stop the word vomit from coming.
“I did it all on my own. I did it all Jake….” I righted myself, looking him straight in the eyes. Every emotion I ever imagined him feeling reflected back at me. “I never told anyone that she was yours because I didn’t want them to tell you and make you come rushing back into my life when you didn’t want to be in my life…” I bit my lip, stifling the cry that wanted to rip from my throat. Tears formed in my eyes and my entire body started to shake. I couldn’t do this.
“Mia….” His voice cracked and with it so did my heart all over again.
“I… I can’t do this right now Jake. You think you’re the only one that was hurt but you weren’t. “ I shoved past him, barely escaping his hand that reached out to stop me. I needed to get to work. I needed space, time, or maybe even a drink.
I went straight into the kitchen grabbing my car keys, and wallet of the counter. Jake’s heavy footfalls sounded behind me making me move faster.
“Where are you going? We aren’t done here, Mia!” The authority in his voice nearly had me laughing.
“To bake. I can’t be around you right now. I need space. Time. Air. Whatever. I just can’t be this close to you right now. You don’t understand the pain, the anger, the things I’ve done…” I was headed down the road of mayhem again. Jake stared at me for a long second before nodding his head as if he understood.
“Okay….I'll give you some time… but I’ll tell you this…” He crossed the short space that separated us, his rough hand cupping my cheek. “You and Lola are mine and I’ll do whatever I can to make things right between us again…. I promise.” Fear of the unknown coursed through my veins as my anxiety mounted. Before I could pull away from his touch, his lips were on mine, sealing his words with a kiss. He made a promise in that kiss, with the stroke of his lips on mine, and that promise shattered every single wall I had built up in the last four years.
It destroyed me just like I knew it always would.
“I have to go…” I pushed away, heading towards the door my lips tingling and my body begging me to turn around and run back into his arms. I knew this would happen, one day. I guess I just never expected for it to happen so soon.
Chapter Eight
Jake
I scrubbed a hand down my face in frustration. Knowing Lola was now mine changed everything. It made me want to make things right between Mia and I that much more. Tonight we would talk, but right now I had something I needed to do. I gathered up all my stuff and put back on the clothes that I had been wearing last night. I needed to go over to the main house, shower and change my clothes and then take my daughter out to get to know her better.
There was only one problem: Mia’s parents. I doubted they would let me take Lola without a real reasoning but if what Mia said was true they didn’t know I was the father and I wasn’t ready to break the news to everyone just yet.
“Morning…” I groaned walking into the house my eyes going straight to Lola. She was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast with Mia’s mother.
“Morning sunshine! How did you sleep?” Jen asked, getting up from the table to pour me a cup of coffee. It was something she had always done, even when I was in High School like I should’ve been drinking coffee then or something.
“I’m going to go take a shower and then I want to take Lola to the park if that’s okay?” Jen placed the coffee cup she had just filled on the counter before looking back at me.
“Sure…” She seemed a little unsure.
“I just want to take her to the park and then I’m going to take her to see Mia at the bakery.” It probably was weird of me to be asking about Lola but they didn’t know she was my kid yet, but once they did it would make much more sense to them. Jen’s eyes lit up as soon as I said something about meeting up with Mia. Everyone in her family wanted us to be together again. They loved me. The only person who fought it was Mia.
“Oh, that will be great! Mia would love that. Sure, go ahead and take a shower and I’ll have Lola ready when you get out.” I looked down at my daughter my heart beating so hard I was sure it would beat right out of my chest.
“Is that what you want Sweetheart? Do you want to go to the park with me?” I crossed the space that separated us, dropping down onto one knee so that I was the same height as her. She watched me curiously before giving me a toothy grin that all but said yes.
“Grandma I want to go to the park with Jake!” Lola announced. The sweet shriek of excitement in her voice made my heart sing. I never would’ve thought in a million years that I would be this excited over something as simple as a little girl's smile, but things changed, I changed, and now that I knew what my future held I was going to enjoy every single second of my time with her.
“I want to go to the park with you too, so I’m going to go shower and then we can leave okay?” I spoke softly watching her eyes twinkle with excitement as I spoke. My little girl.
I wanted her to call me Daddy, to hold my hand, and ask me to give her treats when Mommy said no. I wanted her snuggles and kisses. I wanted it all.
“Okay…” She responded quietly still looking at me though she went back to eating her breakfast. I stood hoping Jen hadn’t caught onto to my feelings towards Lola. It wasn’t that I wanted to hide the truth it was that I needed to make amends with Mia because when everyone found out the truth it was going to be from the two of us, together.
***
I loaded Lola up in the back seat of my jeep, buckling her in, and checking the seatbelt twice for good measure. Dear Lord, I was turning into Jen.
“Can we go to Shultz Park? Momma always takes me to Shultz Park.” Lola questioned from the backseat. My hands shook as I gripped the steering wheel before starting the car.
It was hitting me all at once, the fact that Lola was mine, that I was a Father, and that I would have to do whatever I could to keep us all together. The weight all settled onto my shoulders.
“And then we go for ice cream and I get one with sprinkles and chocolate syrup what kind do you like?” Lola continued. I sucked in a deep breath letting the air filter into my lungs before answering her.
“I like Strawberry darlin’ it’s my favorite, it’s also your Mommy’s favorite,” I added remembering all the times Mia and I had gone for ice cream the summer before I left. I found it quite funny that Mia brought Lola to the park we frequented the most.
“How do you know?” I could see the resilience in her eyes, as she tried to see if I really knew her Momma like I thought I did.
“Your Mommy and I go way back.” I shifted the Jeep to drive and headed off in the direction of the park. It was a few minutes drive, and Lola continued to pepper me with questions in regards to her Mother.
“Do you like my Mommy because I think you do…?” I couldn’t help but smile at her remark as I pulled into a parking spot and killed the engine.
I got out of the Jeep and opened her door, looking at her, realizing she was the perfect mixture of her Momma and me. She wore a bright smile that could’ve melted even the coldest of hearts.
“I don’t like your Mommy Darlin’…” I started and a pout formed on her face causing a tiny bit of muffled laughter to come out of me. “I love her….” Lola unbuckled herself and stood up, placing her hands on her hips as she did so.
“That sure was mean. I’m going to tell my Momma you said that!” All I could think as she jumped from the car and ran to the playground was how perfect it would be for her to tell her Momma that. Mia knew I loved her with my whole heart and soul, but it would be a totally different experience hearing it from out daughter.
“Hey now, wait up for me….” I hollered following behind her. The sun shined overhead as we played on the slides and swings. I hadn’t smiled or laughed this hard in my entire life. Everything about Lola was magical and the more I watched her play the more I grew attached to her.
Yes, she was mine, but she also wasn’t mine. My name wasn’t on the birth certific
ate and I had no way of proving that I was her father until a DNA test was done. The fear of losing her because Mia and I didn’t work was starting to become a reality.
I shoved those anxiety-induced thoughts to the back of mind as I plucked Lola up off the ground and through her over shoulder listening to her laughter fill my ears. I had yet another reason to live.
“Should we get your Momma some ice cream?” I asked Lola placing her back on her feet. She stared up at me astonishment in her eyes.
“You’re really, really, really tall…” All I could do was smile.
“Next” The order taker yelled, startling both Lola and me.
“Hi, we will have two cheeseburgers, a sundae with chocolate syrup, and sprinkles as well as a strawberry shake.” I rattled off the items we wanted loving the way Lola’s eyes lit up when I mentioned her ice cream. I paid, and we waited for our food at a nearby picnic table.
Shultz Park was the best place in all of Jackson County. It was so much more than just a park, and pool. They had bomb ass concession stand, and a lake that had some of the biggest fish I had ever caught.
“I like you, Jake.” Lola interrupted my thoughts, as she scooted closer to me on the bench.
“I like you too Lola.” My heart had never been so full before. One of the people from the concession stand called my name and I moved from the table to get the tray of food quickly. When I returned Lola seemed to be sad.
“What’s a matter?” I asked unwrapping greasy burger and shoving half of it into my mouth. It had been a long time since I had something this delicious.
Lola shrugged and I didn’t like that she didn’t want to tell me what was going on. Even if I hadn’t known of her, I still felt this bond forming between us and I didn’t want it to go away because of unsaid words.
“Come on, you know you can tell me anything.” I leaned into her watching as she picked at the bun of her burger.