by Robin Wells
She ached to hear him say it back. She needed to hear it, needed it like oxygen. Her heart sent a desperate prayer winging heavenward.
Nick went very still. His hands dropped to his side, then he stepped away. His eyes grew shuttered and dark, his posture rigid.
And his silence was very loud, telling her all that he did not say.
Her life seemed to crash and burn around her, sending her dreams up in smoke, turning her fondest hopes to ashes. She heard a metallic clink at the rear of the boat. For a moment it didn’t register. Her pain was so intense that for all she knew, it could have been the sound of her heart shattering into a thousand pieces.
“The other divers are back.” Nick reached out and squeezed her hand. “We’ll talk more later.”
Rachel watched him stride toward the back of the boat, knowing there would be no later. There was no reason for it. His silence had said it all.
He was unwilling or unable to love her in return. Discussing it further would serve no purpose. There was no point in trying to hang on to something that simply wasn’t there.
There was no point in staying on at the resort an extra day, either, for the next day’s dive. She’d pack up her shredded heart, her tattered pride and her broken dreams, and she’d take the next flight home.
Nick stared out his office window at the Barrington parking lot on Monday morning, his eyes zeroing in on the blue Toyota in the back row.
Rachel’s car. She was here, somewhere in the building.
He gazed down at the report he was trying to read, but the columns of numbers marched meaninglessly across the page as his thoughts kept drifting back to Rachel.
He hadn’t been able to get his mind off her ever since this weekend. She’d been extremely quiet on the boat ride back to shore after the dive trip. He knew he hadn’t handled things well, but her declaration of love had made him feel as if he were running out of air all over again.
He didn’t want her to love him. He didn’t want to love her. Love implied permanence, commitment, marriage. Marriage meant a loss of freedom, a slow and gradual decline into a life of stifling routine. He’d had a life of routine. before, and he knew he didn’t want it. He wanted to live outside the box, to color outside the lines, to be free to grow and change as he saw fit without having to answer to anyone.
With a sigh of frustration, Nick turned his attention back to the piece of paper on his desk, only to be interrupted by a faint tapping on his partially open office door.
He looked up, and his pulse rate accelerated. “Rachel Come in.”
He rose and rounded his desk as she entered the room. She’d never looked lovelier. Her bright coral suit set off her tan, and her legs looked longer than ever in flesh-colored high heels.
Nick motioned to one of the two flame-stitched chairs before his desk.
Rachel shook her head. “What I have to say won’t take long.”
Trepidation knotted Nick’s stomach. Trying hard to appear calmer than he felt, he settled himself on the edge of his desk.
Rachel handed him a piece of paper.
“What’s this?”
“A request for a transfer to Barrington’s San Diego resort. The chief controller told me at the conference that he was looking for an assistant controller and asked if I’d be interested. I told him I wasn’t, but after...” Her voice broke. She cleared her throat and lifted her chin. “After I thought it over, I decided I am. I’ve already checked with Personnel. Patricia says that if you recommend me, Rex will approve the transfer.”
A jolt of pain stabbed through his heart. He should have been expecting something like this, but it caught him off guard. He rose and took a step toward her, pulling his eyebrows into a frown. “Rachel, I don’t want to run you off.”
She held herself rigidly, her arms at her side. “I can’t stay here, Nick. I can’t work for you anymore.” Her head tilted a fraction of an inch higher. “Besides, I’ve decided to go back to college and earn a degree in early-childhood education. In a few years, I’d like to open my own preschool The assistant controller’s position will require fewer late nights and less travel, so it’ll be easier for me to go to school.”
An old, familiar heaviness filled Nick’s chest—the same aching emptiness he’d experienced at eighteen when his father had thrown him out of the house. “So you’re going to follow your dreams.”
“The one that’s within my reach.”
He ached to soothe that anguished look from her eyes, to pull her into his arms and hold her and tell her everything would be all right
But he couldn’t. He knew she’d never believe him. He didn’t believe it himself.
He blew out a deep breath and gazed at her, feeling as forlorn and lonely as he’d ever felt in his life. “You know I won’t stand in your way. If you’re sure it’s what you want, I’ll write the letter.”
Rachel nodded stiffly. “There’s one more thing. I have several weeks of unused vacation time. I’d like to use two of them between now and when I start my new job.”
“Sure. When did you want your leave to begin?”
“Immediately.”
She sure wasn’t wasting any time. But then, he thought ruefully, he couldn’t fault her on that score. He’d left just as abruptly two years ago.
He swallowed, his throat tight and dry. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”
“It is.” She turned to go. “Well, I’ll go clear out my office.”
Nick reached out and grabbed her arm. “Rachel...”
She looked up and met his gaze. He stared at her, searching for something to say. There was nothing left to discuss, but he needed to somehow delay her departure just one moment more.
“I’ll miss you,” he finally managed.
Her lips quivered as they haltingly curved into a sad smile. Her eyes grew full and overbright Without a word, she turned and walked out the door.
Amazing. how empty a room full of furniture could look, Nick thought the next day as he strode past Rachel’s office on his way to lunch. The desktop was naked, the corners of the room were bare of the plants Rachel so carefully tended and the shelves were stripped of photos and personal effects. Without Rachel, the room seemed cold and barren.
Which was pretty much the way he felt inside. He turned and headed resolutely down the hall. He was going to have to stop taking this route to and from his office, he thought grimly. He’d fallen into the habit of routinely passing by Rachel’s office door not because it was the fastest route to his office, but because he’d hoped to catch a glimpse of her.
He’d built a surprising number of habits around Rachel, he thought, jabbing the button at the elevator bank. He’d started visiting the break room at ten-thirty in the morning because that was when she usually took a break with her friends, and he frequently did the same thing at three in the afternoon. This morning when he’d stepped into the room, Patricia, Sophia, Molly, Olivia and Cindy had eyed him with such reproach that he’d hastily grabbed a cola and headed back to his office, vowing to change his routine.
He wanted to avoid Rachel’s buddies at lunch, too. Well, at least he wouldn’t have to worry about it today, he thought, stepping into the elevator. Instead of going to any of the local restaurants where he was likely to encounter them, he planned to take his scuba regulator to his favorite dive shop and have it repaired. And while he was there, he was going to ask about upcoming dive expeditions. Planning a fresh adventure was his standard cure for the blues.
Maybe he’d explore an underwater cave or a shipwreck site. Or maybe he’d combine a dive trip with something even more exciting, like skydiving or speed boat racing. The more depressed he felt, the larger an adventure he usually planned.
It was odd, but nothing sounded very appealing this time. The elevator doors slid open and he stepped out into the lobby. Perhaps it was because of Jenny, he mused. Maybe having the responsibility of a child to raise had dampened his enthusiasm for danger.
That was probably part of it,
he silently acknowledged, pushing through the lobby door and stepping into the bright sunshine of the parking lot, but that wasn’t all. The truth was, Rachel’s departure had dampened his enthusiasm for everything.
Nothing sounded fun or exciting anymore. Without Rachel, life seemed as flat and empty as the most barren stretch of the Arizona desert
Unlocking his car door, he climbed in, started the engine and drove to the dive shop. Ten minutes later, he pulled into the parking lot of a small stucco building with a large red and white dive flag flapping by the door.
He killed the engine and picked up his regulator from the passenger seat. Turning it over in his hand, he examined it closely. The depth gauge, the pressure gauge, the tubing, the mouthpiece—everything looked okay. Nothing in its appearance gave away the fact it was broken inside.
Just like him.
His stomach tightening, he stared at the regulator. It was just a bunch of metal and rubber, yet he trusted it with his life. It had let him down once, but here he was, ready to get it fixed and give it another chance.
Rachel had never let him down. She’d always been there when he needed her. Hell, she’d even saved his life, yet he wasn’t willing to give her a chance at all.
He studied the round metal gauges and the long black tubes, his mind spinning. When he was dozens of feet underwater, he was completely dependent on this ugly appliance to stay alive. He was tied to the thing, yet it didn’t limit his freedom.
It expanded it. When he relied on this regulator and a tank of air, he was able to explore a world he would otherwise never know existed.
Maybe marriage could be like that, he thought suddenly. Maybe there was a whole other dimension to married life that he just hadn’t seen. He’d never seen the underwater world until he took up scuba diving, but that hadn’t made it any less real.
His heart rate accelerated. Maybe he’d been looking at this marriage thing all wrong. Instead of looking at what it could offer, he’d only been looking at what it could take.
He’d thought marriage meant losing his freedom, but what the heck was freedom, anyway? It was just the ability to do what he wanted.
Well, what he wanted was to be with Rachel.
Now, and for the rest of his days. He wanted to spend his life with her. With her and Jenny, and maybe another baby or two.
A feeling of freedom flowed over him, a freedom he’d never known. He loved her. He’d tried to deny it, but it was an undeniable fact. He loved her, and he wanted to marry her.
He needed to let her know. A feeling of urgency swept over him. It might not be easy to get her to hear him out. He’d hurt her twice, and she wouldn’t be eager to give him another chance.
Nick gazed at the regulator, thinking hard, then suddenly snapped his fingers. “That’s it!” he murmured.
With a wide grin, he set down the equipment, picked up his car phone and dialed his office.
“I don’t know why I had to come back to the office for an exit interview,” Rachel complained to Patricia in the Barrington elevator the next day. “I’m transferring, not leaving the company.”
“It’s a new company policy. Every time an employee transfers, Rex wants to get feedback on ways we can improve our systems and policies.”
Rachel sighed. “Well, I don’t seen why we couldn’t have handled this over the phone.”
Patricia lifted her shoulders. “All I know is what I’m told. The order came from Rex’s office.”
Rachel looked up in alarm as the elevator sailed past the third floor where the personnel offices were located. “Hey, we just passed your floor!”
Patricia smiled in what Rachel thought was an oddly sheepish manner. “My office is, uh, being used for a training session today. Since your old office is vacant, I thought we’d go there.”
“Oh, no,” Rachel moaned. Anywhere but the accounting department. “I don’t want to have to see Nick again. I don’t think I could bear it.”
“It’s taken care of,” Patricia said soothingly. “You don’t have anything to worry about”
Rachel shot her friend an uneasy glance. “You mean he’s in a meeting?”
“Uh—yeah, that’s right.” A strange expression flitted over Patricia’s face, an expression that almost looked like a grin.
Patricia was acting very weirdly today. She seemed too chipper about this whole thing. Rachel eyed her suspiciously as the elevator door opened. “this isn’t some sort of surprise party setup, is it? Because I told you I don’t want a going-away party. I can’t deal with it under the circumstances.”
“Would you just relax? I promise this isn’t a party.”
They walked down the hall to the accounting department reception area. Inside the glass double doors, Rachel froze. A large crowd was gathered outside her office—all of the accounting staff, as well as Sophia, Olivia, Cindy and Molly. Rachel looked around in dismay. Rex, Rex’s assistant, Mildred, and Mike the mailman were among those smiling and greeting her.
Rachel’s face flamed. “I thought you said this wasn’t a party,” she whispered hotly to Patricia.
“It’s not.”
“Well, then, what’s going on? Why is everybody standing outside my old office?”
“Go on in and see.”
The crowd parted, making a path for Rachel. She tried to return her co-workers’ smiles, but her heart was heavy. She was no doubt about to find her office decorated with streamers and a large Good Luck banner. She was going to kill Patricia and her other friends the moment she got them alone.
She hesitated outside the doorway.
“Go on,” Patricia urged, giving her a nudge.
Rachel drew a deep breath and walked in, then stopped short. “Wh-what’s all this?”
She could barely believe her eyes. The room was packed with aquariums. Tank after tank lined the walls, each one filled with a dazzling display of tropical fish. Butterfly fish, angelfish, silversides and reef fish, fish of all sizes and shapes and colors, swam gracefully in clear blue water.
Even more amazing than the aquariums, however, was the inflated rubber boat sitting in the middle of the room. For inside the boat, wearing a tiny black wet suit and chewing on a snorkel, was Jenny.
Dumbfounded, Rachel turned back to the faces in the doorway. “What’s going on?”
“I’ll tell you what’s going on.” Nick stepped through the doorway, nonplussing Rachel all the more. A bright orange BC was fastened over his starched white shirt, a scuba mask dangled from around his neck and a pair of large green flippers flapped from his leather loafers. He looked ridiculous, but Rachel was too stunned to be amused.
“You and I had a conversation we needed to finish,” Nick said. “So I thought I’d try to re-create the right atmosphere.”
Rachel stepped back until her thighs hit the desk. She reached behind her and gripped the edge with her fingers, desperately needing to hang on to something solid. “What are you talking about?”
Nick turned to the crowd outside the door. “Excuse me, folks, but this part’s private.” He firmly pulled the door closed, sealing Rachel inside the room with him and Jenny.
Turning back around, he awkwardly flapped across the room toward Rachel. Jenny let out a loud gurgle of laughter. Under other circumstances, Rachel might have laughed, too, but her insides were quaking too hard.
“As I recall, you and I were on a boat in the middle of the Caribbean. You had just saved my life, then you told me you loved me.”
Rachel felt her face flush scarlet. Oh, dear heavens. Surely he hadn’t brought her back to the office to humiliate her.
Nick stepped closer. “I’ve got to tell you, sweetheart, you scared me to death. Running out of air sixty-five feet under the sea was nothing compared to what I felt when you said those three little words. And do you know why it scared me?” Nick picked up her hands and folded his fingers around hers, then his eyes claimed her gaze just as firmly.
Wordlessly, Rachel shook her head no.
�
�Because I love you, too. I loved you two years ago, and I love you today.”
Rachel’s heart felt as if it were about to bound out of her chest. She wanted to pinch herself to see if she were dreaming.
“I didn’t want to love you,” he continued. “I didn’t want to love anybody. I was sure that love always ended in disappointment and hurt, with two people tying each other in knots and killing each other’s fondest dreams. And then I got to thinking about all my goals and dreams, and I realized I’d achieved nearly all of them. All except the one I want the most, the one I think I’ve always wanted on such a gut-deep level I couldn’t even bring myself to admit
“What is it?” Rachel breathed.
“A family. The kind that sticks together and plays together and supports each other and wants the best for each other. I longed for it when I was a kid, and I guess I never outgrew it.” Nick inched even closer. “So I got to thinking. If you could find the courage to get back in the water and face your deepest fear, maybe I should try to do the same. I’ve tried to fill up the emptiness inside me with outside activities. I’ve climbed tall cliffs, kayaked raging rivers, parachuted out of airplanes, but unlike you, I never faced my deepest fear. I never risked my heart.”
Nick squeezed her fingers tightly. “I thought if I just didn’t admit how I felt about you, it would run its course and go away. But it didn’t. My feelings for you just grew stronger. So I got to wondering. If this feeling won’t go away when I try so hard to get rid of it, what’s it likely to do if I nurture it?”
Rachel felt as if her heart would burst Her throat felt so full of emotion that she could barely find her voice. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I finally figured out that life is a lot like scuba diving. It’s a whole lot better when you use the buddy system.” He unzipped a pocket on his BC and handed her out a small, flat box. “I’ve got something for you.”
With trembling hands, Rachel lifted the lid. Inside, nestled on a bed of pink tissue paper, sat a pair of lime green scuba gloves. And on the ring finger of the left hand, spar kling like the Caribbean sun, was a large diamond solitaire.