Incarnate n-1

by Jodi Meadows

  “Come on,” he urged, and I allowed him to guide me back into the bedroom, where he draped a thick white blanket over my shoulders. We curled up in the top corner of the bed, by the headboard and the wall. “Are you comfortable?” he asked, when I was leaning against him.

  “Are you?” If I twisted, I could see his face from the corner of my eye.

  He rested his cheek on my head. “When I went north in my last life, I was searching for inspiration. I hadn’t written anything new in a generation. I felt empty. I didn’t find anything no matter how far I traveled. I just died. That was autumn of the Year of Darkness, three-twenty-nine.”

  I waited.

  “Usually, it takes a few years to be reincarnated, but it took just over a year for me to be reborn.” From the way he said it, I should have understood what that meant.

  “And?”

  He sighed, but his tone was endlessly patient. “That was the three-hundred-and-thirtieth Year of Songs. That’s your birth year, too. When we met eighteen years later, that was the first time in a generation I felt inspired, the first time I felt music in me again.”

  I couldn’t move. A million emotions flooded me — awe, joy, fear — and what did he expect of me now? I was raw inside, too much back-and-forth today, not enough just… happiness, like it should have been. So I didn’t move or speak, because I couldn’t.

  His voice lowered, as though to cover hints of hesitation. “I think I died to be reborn with you. To find you in the lake. I found my inspiration.”

  “But you had to die for it.” What a dumb thing to say. My mouth hated me.

  He turned his head slightly, so his whisper came by my ear. “If I’d looked like a ninety-year-old man when we met, would you have wanted to be with me?”

  I wanted to be able to say yes, because I’d known him at the masquerade, and in all the photographs and videos from other lifetimes, but this was the Sam I wanted to kiss. As much as I felt for him, I couldn’t imagine being attracted to a ninety-year-old, at least not while I was eighteen. Maybe when I was ninety, too.

  He gave a soft chuckle. “I thought not. I’d worry if you had said yes. Even people who’ve loved each other for lifetimes aren’t always attracted to each other when their physical ages are so different. It does matter, at least some.”

  Like what Armande had said about Tera and Ash arranging to be reborn as close together as possible. “That’s sort of a relief.” I wished it didn’t matter. It didn’t change that he was five thousand years older than me, just made it easier to forget sometimes. “So it doesn’t bother you that I don’t have four digits in my age?”

  “Saying I never thought about it would be a lie, but it doesn’t change how I feel. Ana, you make me ache in places that aren’t even physical.” He held me tighter, and for a moment I didn’t understand what that meant. Then I remembered how I’d felt while we were dancing. That yearning. “Does it bother you that I do have four digits?”

  “Well, you don’t look fossilized. And it’s helpful that you like girls your physical age.” I bit my lip. “But it is sad that you had to die to get back here.”

  “Well, I’m glad about it. I’ve never been particularly attractive, but at least this way I have youth on my side. I don’t know how I’d have convinced you to stay with me if I was ugly and half-fossilized.”

  “Sam?” I twisted around, freeing myself from his arms.

  He tilted his head. “Hmm?”

  “You think too much.” I took fistfuls of his shirt and kissed him, somewhat more confident now that we had a little practice, still nervous because I felt like we balanced on a razor blade. One wrong move and we’d slice apart.

  His fingers curled against my back as I faced him, careful of scrapes and bruises, of jabbing each other with knees or elbows. “You were amazing tonight, the way you danced. Beautiful.” He brushed his fingertips across my cheeks, chin, and lips. Down my throat, across my collarbone.

  I splayed my hands across his chest, unable to move while he touched me like echoes of dancing. Softer, more delicate than before, but heavy with tension and — too amazing to believe — desire. How could he desire me?

  Sam continued his mapping of my face and arms, completely engaged in his study. I took in his captivated expression until I couldn’t anymore, and closed my eyes, willing him to touch everywhere.

  I didn’t have to understand why he felt this way. I could be grateful for now, and enjoy it.

  Hands stopped above my breasts. He hesitated, and chose a path down the sides of my body. He made me tremble, made me ache inside. My heart wasn’t big enough to hold everything I felt, but I couldn’t bear the thought of asking him to wait while I caught up.

  He traced patterns on my stomach. I held my breath, waiting.

  “Ana?” A mere whisper.

  “I’m nervous.” I kept my eyes closed and hoped he’d understand everything I couldn’t say. “I don’t know what happens next.”

  “Only what you want.” He rested his forefinger on my chin until I met his eyes. He looked like he balanced on a razor, too, one side patient as ever, and the other— He looked like I felt, ready to burst from pressure.

  “What I want.” I slid my hands over him until cloth folded between my fingers. “I don’t even know what that is. It feels like too much, but I’ll fall apart if I don’t get it.”

  “You won’t fall apart.” He lowered his eyes, smiled. “I won’t let you.”

  “You’re truly kind.” Now that he wasn’t caressing me, I could breathe. I could think straight. “There’s a lot I don’t know.” Such as, anything beyond what had just happened. No, I didn’t even know what just happened, just that it felt good. “Will you show me?”

  “A thousand things, whenever you’re ready.”

  There was a heartbeat where I could have been resentful of his experience, but I decided to be grateful instead. One of us would always know what we were doing, rather than both of us fumbling and messing up. “Not all at once. I don’t want to rush.”

  “I’m sure we can pace ourselves.” His mouth turned up. “What do you think? One thing a day?”

  I considered, then shook my head. “Maybe two. A thousand days is a long time.”

  He laughed. “If you say so.”

  I withdrew from him and lifted an eyebrow.

  His breath caught. “Okay, suddenly it seems like eternity. Two it is.” While I struggled to figure out exactly what I’d done to make him react that way, he went on. “Unfortunately, I think we’ve used up our two — or ten — for the day.”

  “Did we? It’s after midnight.” Using the shelf-wall to keep from falling, I stood on the bed and arranged my blanket over my shoulders again. The white cloth rippled like wings. “I think we have time for you to kneel down and worship me.”

  “Number two on the list.” He sat on his knees and gazed up. “Number one was convincing you to like me.”

  He made it impossible not to smile. “Kiss my hands and feet, and you will be worthy of my liking.”

  “But those were five-ninety-six and five-ninety-seven.”

  I offered my hand that wasn’t keeping me balanced against the wall. “You were going to wait that long?”

  “You’re the one who said not to rush.” He took my hand in his, pressed his mouth against the back. “Oh.” His breath warmed my skin. “I just thought of a hundred more.”

  “Maybe three a day.” As I sat, he held my hips to steady me. “Maybe ten,” I whispered, kneeling with him. He held me so close; I rested my hand just beneath the bandage on his arm. “How does this feel?”

  “Like a burn. It’s okay.” He kissed me, not deep like before, but just as sweet. A sleepy kiss while he struggled to stay awake. He so often guarded himself; it was startling to see him like this. “How’s that thunderstorm inside you?”

  “Already forgot about it.” I didn’t want the hour to end. The Sam I always imagined was here, holding me. He liked me. I wouldn’t forget the moody Sam after the dr
agon attack, the Sam who’d been sneaking around every night, or the Sam who thought we shouldn’t have danced and kissed, but for this moment, with this Sam, I enjoyed the sensation of happiness. “Want to know a secret?”

  “Yes.” He sat down, and I followed. If I pulled back the covers, maybe he wouldn’t leave. After today, I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from him. I had to keep him like this, the sweet Sam. The Sam who kissed me.

  “Aside from the parts where we fought and were nearly killed and then I threw things,” I whispered, “today has been the best day of my life.”

  His brown eyes drew me in as he said, “Mine too.”

  I was about to tease him about how this life must have felt so short, but something banged downstairs. We stiffened, both of us poised to listen when it came again. “Someone’s at the door.” It was so late. “A medic? Or whoever attacked us?”

  He slipped off the bed and nodded. “Keep your knife with you, no matter what happens.” Without so much as a last glance, he left the room.

  I struggled into real clothes and tucked my knife into my waistband before creeping after Sam. From the balcony over the parlor, I could just see him at the door, blocking whoever had called.

  “I don’t understand,” he said.

  “You’re under arrest.” The high, youthful voice was familiar. Meuric? It was dim downstairs, but I could just make out another shadow in the doorway, maybe two others. I couldn’t tell. “There’s nothing confusing about that. I just hope you won’t make a fuss.”

  “But why?”

  “For conspiring to murder Ana, the newsoul.”

  Chapter 24

  Obsession

  “NO!” I SPRINTED for the stairs, drawing everyone’s attention. “No, he didn’t. He wouldn’t.”

  Before I’d reached the middle step, three more people shoved into the house. One was Li, just as angry and formidable as she’d been the day at the market, and the day I left Purple Rose Cottage.

  I rocked back on my heels and clutched the banister so hard my hand went numb. “What is she doing here?”

  “She’s here to take you home,” said Meuric. The other two people, Corin and a woman I didn’t know, stepped toward Sam. “Your guardianship has been transferred.”

  “No.” I pried my hand off the banister and hurtled down the rest of the stairs. I couldn’t go with Li. Not again. I was supposed to be free. “Sam, don’t let them.”

  Li swore. “Ana, he’s been tricking you. Haven’t you noticed him sneaking to the library every night?”

  “Liar!” I couldn’t breathe from all my anger and fear inside. She wasn’t completely a liar.

  Sam stretched his hurt arm toward me, but Corin yanked him back, heedless of the bandage. “Don’t touch her,” shouted Corin. “Not after what you’ve done.”

  “What did I do?” Sam drew himself away from Corin but didn’t reach for me again. And I’d stopped because Li blocked my path. “I’d never harm Ana. We were attacked tonight. It was Li.”

  “It’s true!” My support went ignored, of course.

  “Get him out!” Li roared, pointing at the guards. “Corin, Aleta, get him away from my daughter.”

  I wanted desperately to move, to run, but I couldn’t abandon Sam.

  “Do it.” Meuric opened the door wider while Corin and Aleta jostled Sam.

  “Don’t!” Freed from paralysis, I pushed past Li and lunged for Sam. Hands dug into my sides; Li ripped me away with a grunt, inserting herself between us again. “Sam!” I strained, and he struggled against the guards, but they were stronger, and soon he was outside.

  “It’s for the best.” Meuric shut the door. Though muffled, the grumble of an engine starting came, and quieted as the batteries kicked in. They took him away.

  I stood in the middle of the parlor, Meuric between the door and me, and Li blocking the stairs. I was trapped, a butterfly under glass. Muscles and bones ached, and my head was heavy with shock and fear and exhaustion. If I didn’t speak now, I’d never be heard. “I don’t want to go with Li.”

  “You have the right to refuse that, but remember, you’re only permitted to stay in Heart if someone agrees to watch over you.”

  “Li was a bad guardian. She didn’t do anything right. Call Stef. Or Sarit, Orrin, or Whit.” I edged toward the piano, the opposite direction from Li. “Just not her.”

  “We have evidence that suggests they were working together. Stef and Orrin are already in custody for attacking you tonight.”

  “They wouldn’t—”

  “Both Sam and Stef came to my house today,” Li interrupted. “Sam accused me of trying to murder you, and then he hit me when I suggested his intentions toward you weren’t pure.” True to her word, a bruise darkened her cheek.

  “Sam wouldn’t have done that. Stef and Orrin wouldn’t have attacked us.” My legs hit the piano bench. I sat down, hard. “I don’t believe either of you.”

  “Sam and Stef confronted me while their friends went sneaking around my house and the guard station.” Li sneered. “I don’t know what they were looking for.”

  “We need to search upstairs,” Meuric said. “All of Li and Menehem’s most recent diaries are missing from the library. Evidence — which Whit and Orrin tried to hide, by the way — suggests Sam had taken the books. Personal diaries, professional — everything.”

  If I hadn’t been sitting already, I would have now. “They’re free to anyone who wants to read them.” Wasn’t that the line I’d been given? “That doesn’t mean anything.” But it did. I’d asked Sam about the books in his room, and he’d said they were about dragons.

  “Someone obsessed with you might search for anything related to you, including your parents’ diaries.” He motioned toward the stairs. “I expect you’ll want to see.”

  He didn’t want to leave me by myself; we both knew I would run. But if I refused to go up, he’d tell Li to watch me. I didn’t want to be alone with her. One glance at the front door, and I made my way upstairs again, shaking with a new thunderstorm inside me. “Sam wouldn’t hurt me.”

  The words came out strong, but he had left this morning, and had been talking to Stef about something Li said. I hadn’t noticed swelling on his hand from hitting Li, but even if he had, there was nothing wrong with that. I wanted to hit Li. Not that I would ever have the courage.

  Every step up brought a new layer of dread. I couldn’t live with Li. Couldn’t. She marched up behind me. Any minute now she’d do something terrible.

  And if I didn’t go with her, I’d be exiled from Heart. From Range. Even if I didn’t die within the first week — early death being most likely — I’d never see Sam or my friends again. I’d never have music again, not like I did now, and I’d never have a chance to learn the truth of my existence.

  Which left obeying Meuric’s orders my only choice. I hated him.

  “I saw the way you danced together.” Li’s voice was dark as dusk. “He was so upset when I suggested he might be taking advantage of your naïveté, but if he does that with you in public, what are we supposed to assume happens in private?”

  Just like he’d feared they would think. I kept my face down, as if that would hide my secret longings. “He wouldn’t hurt me.” She wouldn’t believe me no matter how many times I said it, but if I stopped, she’d think she won.

  Li gave a hoarse laugh. “I think he’d do anything to gain your trust. You don’t know him. Not the way everyone else does. He focuses on what he wants — in this case, someone who practically worships him — and doesn’t let anything get in his way.”

  The house was cold as we reached the top of the stairs, and Meuric started toward Sam’s bedroom. As much as I tried, I couldn’t forget the other night, when I’d helped Sam up to his room and had to kick aside books so neither of us tripped. Books that had been gone in the morning. There’d been so many. Had they all been about dragons and sylph?

  “Watch her,” Meuric said, and flicked on lights until the entire ups
tairs was blinding bright. He rummaged around Sam’s belongings while I waited with my back against the balcony rail. Li guarded me.

  “Why are you doing this?” I flinched away, but she didn’t hit me. She wouldn’t with Meuric in the next room. “You didn’t want me before. Why now?”

  “You’re my daughter.” Li flashed a benevolent smile. “And you’ve been living with a man you know nothing about. I was under the impression you’d be on your own, and I thought you could handle that. But Dossam isn’t safe for you.”

  “You gave me a broken compass. Sam pulled me out of Rangedge Lake.”

  “The compass worked when I tested it. I can’t help if you broke it.” She shrugged. “At any rate, it’s come to my attention that your education has been neglected, and I’ve been given good incentive to rectify that.”

  What did that mean? Someone had bribed her? It must have been for something good, if she’d agreed to endure my presence again.

  She went on. “I didn’t do a good enough job teaching you before, and Sam’s idea of educating you seems to be— Well, you need to know more than music and dancing and whatever else he’s been doing to you.”

  “We haven’t done anything.”

  “After what I saw earlier? I doubt that.”

  I grasped at anything, any accusation. “You followed me home the other night.”

  She scoffed. “I have better things to do. What makes you think it wasn’t one of Sam’s tricks? It could have been a friend of his, trying to scare you so you’d trust Sam more. That Stef. They’re always so close.” Her voice lowered. “You should hear about the things they’ve done together.”

  “It was you. I know it.”

  Meuric emerged from the bedroom, a stack of books in his arms. “I’ve found the missing diaries. It seems you were right about Sam. He’s been studying everything he can about little Ana.”

  I clenched my jaw; he was just as little as me. “So what? It doesn’t prove anything.” Except that he’d lied. Maybe lied. Avoided the truth, anyway. Omitted important information. Wasn’t that just as bad?