Devil's Advocate

by Carla Coxwell

  Kristie shot off a text to Gray, just to be safe.

  ***

  Kristie and cheese sticks. A love that Gray didn’t understand but he would indulge. If something like battered-covered cheese thrilled Kristie, he would take what he could get these days.

  He ordered them and was lost in thought again without Kristie to distract him. He had ordered a beer but it had been almost untouched. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Rick had told him…

  His phone went off. Curious, he looked down at it to see a text from Kristie. He opened it, wondering why in the world she was texting him. When he read her message, his throat closed up.

  I know I sound like a nut, it read, but I swear that I saw Armand in the men’s bathroom just now. Too paranoid to leave the bathroom. Can you see if it is really him? Please don’t do anything rash if it is.

  Her text read an easy confidence that he knew she wasn’t feeling right now. He could almost imagine her, curled up in one of the stalls, texting him with cold and clammy skin. There is no way he would be here, Gray thought to himself as he re-read the text, no fucking way.

  He leaned over and showed the text to Rick. He glanced at Gray when he finished it, trying to mask the doubt on his features. It was clear he didn’t believe the text either but didn’t want to speak ill of Kristie toward him.

  “I’m going to go look,” Gray said. “Follow me in five minutes if I don’t come back.”

  He stood up, ignoring Rick’s quiet protests as he made his way toward the bathroom. It felt as if everything was going in slow motion. There was absolutely no fucking way that piece of shit was going to show his face here. Gray would rip him from limb to limb. He would utterly and completely destroy Armand right here in this crappy bar.

  Gray hesitated in front of the bathroom, unsure of what his course of action would be. If Armand had seen Kristie, would he just be hanging out in the bathroom? He opened the door slowly and stepped inside. Two men were at the urinals, but neither one was Armand. Gray pretended to casually be checking the stalls for a clean one. All of the stalls were empty. Fuck it. He turned to the two men.

  “Hey, sorry to bother you. Did either one of you see a man in here just a couple seconds ago?” He quickly described Armand. “He took a phone call with his girlfriend and now I can’t find him.”

  One man shrugged but the younger one, now heading toward the sink, nodded. “Oh yeah, I think I saw someone like that. He left though and went out the back exit. I thought he worked here because no one is supposed to leave that way.”

  “Thanks so much,” Gray said quickly, leaving the bathroom.

  He found himself hesitating again in the hallway. Gray knew he could tell Kristie that Armand had left and it was safe to come out now. Or…he paused. He could go out the back door and try to find him and take him down himself. He could end it all tonight and move on with his life. He would leave the gang and give Kristie everything she wanted.

  Gray turned on his heels and opened the door. The snow was falling heavily now as he stepped outside. He was next to the dumpsters and the stench of garbage filled his nostrils. He looked around, straining his eyes in the dim lighting to see if he could spot Armand. He thought he saw a shadow turning around the corner of the building and Gray took off.

  Visions of the warehouse fire flickered across his mind as he took off toward the shadow. He was going to end this now. All thoughts of Kristie and everyone else at the party vanished from his mind as he rounded the corner of the building. The shadow could tell someone was coming after him. He was jogging now toward the parking lot.

  “Armand!” he shouted into the snow, which seemed to fall heavier with each passing moment.

  Gray ran as fast as he could. Armand was in his grasp now. He turned around to look at Gray. A smirk was on his face. Rage shot through him and he pushed off with the bottom of his feet, lunging toward him.

  But Armand was expecting this and at the last moment lurched forward. Gray felt his fingertips brush against Armand’s jacket before he toppled into the snow. The cold smacked him in the face and he looked up quickly, trying to clear his vision from the snow. Armand was darting into the parking lot, toward his bike. Gray scrambled to his feet but Armand was already taking off. His bike came to life and roared out of the parking lot.

  Gray watched him depart, the rage pumping through his body with no outlet in sight. He had fucked it up. The first time he had seen Armand since the shooting and he had fucked it up. The bastard had even smirked at him. Gray had had the upper hand and had blown it.

  The rage was quickly leaving him, making him feel depleted and exhausted. He had missed Armand.

  “Fuck!” he shouted.

  It was then he noticed that people were leaving the bar in droves. Some were yelling in panicked voices. Gray took off, running to the front of the building. The rest of the Infernos had been here and were leaving the bar, grins on their faces. He swallowed back the taste of fear and went to run up toward them. But like with Armand, he was too slow and the Infernos went roaring out of the parking lot. What the fuck, Gray thought as he ran inside the bar.

  The bar had thinned out and the remaining people were looking panicked or scared. The hostess was on the phone with what sounded like the cops. Gray went over to the table where Kass had been, although it was now mostly empty.

  “What happened?” he exclaimed when he saw Rick against the wall, nursing what looked like a broken nose.

  “You left and it all went to shit. Infernos came in, said they knew that you were here. Said Armand had happened to see you and had told them to hurry over to finish off what they had started. I jumped in to try to stop them. When they realized you had taken off after Armand, they left as well. Thought you were done for.”

  Kass, her eyes wide and one hand on her belly, as if to shield her budding baby from the panic, looked around. “Where is Kristie?”

  Gray’s heart plummeted into his stomach as he bolted toward the bathroom. He burst inside and could hear sniffling in one of the stalls.

  “Kristie?” he called out for her.

  There was silence and then a broken voice called out, “Gray?”

  The stall door opened. Kristie peered out, looking terrified and scared. Gray felt his throat close up.

  “Why didn’t you come get me?” she whispered.

  Chapter Nine

  Six Months Later

  Kristie pulled up into the hospital parking lot, her heart beating wildly. It felt like just yesterday that Kass had announced she was pregnant and three months along. Now here she was, about to give birth to a beautiful baby girl. Kristie had rushed over as soon as she had gotten Kass’s text that she had gone into labor.

  Almost absently, Kristie found herself touching her own stomach. There was no pregnancy to be had yet. But that was to be expected since she hadn’t been living with Gray for almost six months. It made her throat close up to realize that she was probably going to see him today. There was no way that he would miss the birth of Rick’s daughter.

  Gray and Kristie had been, for lack of a better word, on a break for the past six months. She had been staying at her mother’s home. It wasn’t because she didn’t love Gray or didn’t want to be with him. On the contrary, she wanted them to work out and be together.

  But the night of Kass’s party, when Kristie had seen Armand, had put things into perspective that she could no longer ignore. She had stayed in that bathroom, waiting for Gray to come and retrieve her as if she was a package to be picked up. She had been trembling like a leaf in the wind. When Gray hadn’t come and she heard the Infernos shouting in restaurant, calling for Gray, Kristie had stayed hidden. Instead of going out there to make sure her pregnant friend had been okay, she had hid and cried.

  After the men had left, and Gray had come to find her in the bathroom, she realized then that he was not going to change. Until Armand was dead and gone, he would be clinging to his gang to try to hold it together. Armand wouldn’t rest until he kille
d Gray either. Kristie was letting her own mental state suffer just to try to have a baby. No, she had realized, she needed to focus on herself.

  So she had moved back home and let Gray stay in the apartment. She still felt too terrified to live alone so she had no problem moving back in with her mother. Her mom, of course, had been thrilled. All her mom had wanted was for them to divorce and was more than happy to take Kristie in.

  Gray had been beside himself over Kristie moving out. She had told him that it was for the best and that this was how things would be sorted out. But Gray had withdrawn from her and their communication had been labored ever since she left. She had been hoping Gray would understand that the stress of trying for a baby on top of dealing with gang violence had been too much. Kristie wasn’t sure how he was truly feeling. He could be impossible to read sometimes.

  Now, staring up at the hospital, Kristie tried to control her nervous breathing. She had been going to therapy since she had moved out of the apartment with Gray. She had even made enough progress not to need a night light in her bedroom. Baby steps, she reminded herself.

  Kristie headed inside the hospital. It was stupid to feel nervous about seeing Gray. They still met up once or twice a week to have coffee or dinner. But the conversations felt shorter and more forced as of late, as if he was hiding things from her. Can’t you see this separation is so we can be together? I was too terrified to leave a bathroom and instead of checking on me, you ran after a man to get revenge. We both need to get our heads on straight. Kristie had thought all of these things, staring at Gray over her cup of coffee. But the words lodged in her throat. There was still a lot of progress that needed to be made.

  Kristie worked her way up to the maternity ward. The first thing she saw was Kass’s parents. They waved when they saw her, excitement on their faces. It was strange to be in the hospital for something positive, Kristie thought, as she stepped inside the small waiting room.

  There he was. Gray was sitting on one of the chairs away from everyone, flipping through an old magazine. He looked up casually but stiffened when he saw Kristie. Kristie, reminding herself that she was still his wife, went over and sat next to him.

  “Hey, have you been here long?” she asked him.

  Gray shook his head. “No. Maybe about thirty minutes.”

  Silence filled in between them. Oh, Gray, I wonder what is going on inside your head.

  ***

  Gray felt ridiculously stiff and nervous around Kristie. She was his wife. But in the six months since Kristie had moved out in an effort to fix their marriage, he had felt aimless. Coming home to that quiet apartment every day had rocked him to his core. Meeting up with her once or twice a week began to feel forced, as if she was doing it as a test to see if they should divorce or not. Make up your mind, he wanted to say while other times he wanted to shout at her, don’t I get a say as well?

  Instead, he had opted for silence in almost all situations. He hadn’t wanted to shut down from Kristie. He loved her more than anything or anyone. But he couldn’t wrap his head around why she thought this separation had been a good idea. She had tried to tell him it was because of the gang violence and that she had her own issues to work through. Why can’t you do it with me?

  Even if she wouldn’t admit it, he knew it had to have been because he hadn’t run to her right after Armand had run out of the bar that night six months ago. He had made the wrong choice. Instead of chasing Armand outside, he should have gone straight to Kristie in that bathroom and protected Rick when the Infernos had started shit up.

  There was no point in rehashing the past. It wouldn’t fix what was going on now. Kristie was trying to get her own mental state together. And Gray was still dealing with his own things. Waiting for Kass’s baby to be born had them together, for the first time in six months, in a setting that wasn’t a coffee shop or a place to eat. What do you ask your wife that you’re separated from in this situation? How are you? The whole thing pissed him off.

  So he said nothing.

  ***

  Six hours later, the baby was born. Gray had been doing crossword puzzles in a magazine and barely said two words to Kristie, who had been reading a book. With each passing hour of mounting silence, different emotions raged in her. She had tried a few different times to have a conversation with him but all of them had died a quick death, leaving the taste of burnt words in her mouth.

  It had been a long time since the old irritations of dealing with Gray had smacked Kristie in the face like this. Before they had done anything together, their constant bickering had been a mask to hide sexual tension. But now they didn’t even have that bickering. It was just silence.

  Gray was just avoiding their problems. Here was a chance to be brought together again through the happiness of Kass giving birth. It was a struggle not to reflect on the fact she still wasn’t pregnant and now the chances of ever become pregnant were slimmer each day.

  For a brief second, Kristie wanted to shout at Gray. She wanted to yell at him for not fighting harder for them and for shutting down. But that second was blown away when the doctor came out, smiling. Everyone stood up and she felt a tremor of excitement go through her.

  “The mother had a safe birth and her beautiful daughter, Megan, is now here.”

  All thoughts of Gray were washed aside. Kass’s parents went in to see Kass and the new baby first. Then Gray and Kristie followed. Her heart pounded in her chest. This was going to be her goddaughter. This wasn’t going to be a child she’d take care of once and a while. This was going to be a fixture of her life, a child she would help raise as if it was her sister who had given birth.

  She stepped inside the hospital room. Rick looked up from his place at the side of the bed, looking exhausted but happier than Kristie had ever seen him before. Kass was in bed, propped up, her skin colorless but her eyes sparkling as she held a bundle. Kristie moved toward Kass, who tilted the bundle to expose the little girl’s face.

  Kristie let out a small sigh. Megan was adorable. Her eyes were closed and her lips gently pursed, as if she was slightly grumpy everyone was staring at her while she was sleeping.

  “Looks like Rick,” Gray whispered.

  Kristie stifled a giggle, realizing that he was right. Megan looked grumpy enough to take after Rick.

  “She’s beautiful,” she said.

  Kass beamed. “I wish she wasn’t sleeping so you could see her eyes,” she whispered back. “She has beautiful eyes.”

  Megan’s eyes suddenly opened, as if she had been wide awake the entire time. Her eyes were alert exactly like Kass’s, only with a purity that took Kristie’s breath away. Kass let out a gasp of delight.

  “Megan, this is your godmother. And there is your godfather,” Kass said as Gray stared at Megan, entranced with her.

  Kristie’s heart felt as if it was going to burst.

  ***

  “I can’t get over how small she is,” Gray rambled as they left hospital. “I mean, we all were that small once, weren’t we? How crazy is that? That just seems nuts to me.” He knew he sounded stupid but didn’t care.

  Megan had been so impossibly small and had eyes that seemed as if she knew all the secrets of the world already. He hadn’t told Kristie this part though because he knew it sounded silly. Gray knew next to nothing about kids. He was pretty sure Megan wasn’t thinking thoughts that made sense but he couldn’t help but be enchanted with her anyway.

  “She’s beautiful,” Kristie admitted as they strolled out of the hospital together. “And Kass seemed so happy.”

  In that moment, a hint of wistfulness crept into Kristie’s voice. Not once had she wavered in her happiness for Kass and the baby. But Gray knew deep down that having a child was still the only thing in the world she truly wanted.

  “Hey,” he blurted out, stopping in the parking lot. “It’ll happen for you, too, Kristie. For us.” He suddenly felt unsure and his gaze dropped away from Kristie’s face, terrified she would reject him.

&n
bsp; The beat of silence felt like hours before Kristie replied, “I know, Gray. Once…once things get back on track, we can try again.”

  When are you coming home to me? He wanted to ask but held back. He understood why Kristie had wanted the separation. She wanted to focus on herself and her trauma from the shooting and wanted Gray to leave the Devil’s Advocates. But he wasn’t ready to leave the group. And Kristie wasn’t ready to have a child with someone who wouldn’t leave the group.

  “How is everything else going?” Gray asked, feeling out of sync with her again.

  “It’s okay. Living back with Mom is sort of confining. I miss the apartment.”

  “Do you want to come over?” There it was again, the blurting out of things he should just keep in his head.

  To Gray’s surprise, she nodded. “Sure, I’d like that.”

  “I took my bike so you’ll have to bring your car.”

  Gray headed toward his bike as Kristie walked in the opposite direction to get to her car. His heart beat quickly in his chest. He hadn’t been expecting her to agree to come over. He also hadn’t been expecting himself to suddenly ask her to come over either. This will be good for us, he told himself as his bike roared to life.

  ***

  Kristie chalked up the fact she had agreed to go over to their place because of the mood seeing Kass and the baby had left her in. It had made her both happy and sad. Happy because her friend finally had everything that she wanted. Sad because Kristie wanted the same and had nothing.

  As her car pulled out of the hospital parking lot, Kristie also knew it was because of how adorable Gray had looked after seeing Megan. He had seemed so excited and entranced by the baby. It was like he hadn’t ever seen a kid before. He would make a great father, she had thought as Gray had gushed over Megan’s tiny fingers.

  When Gray had asked her over, she had been taken aback but suddenly knew she wanted to go over. She missed their place together. The privacy it had offered was nice. Her mother was putting more pressure on Kristie to divorce Gray, which wasn’t what she wanted. She just wanted him to leave that gang life and for her own mental health to be back on track.