The Hitwoman Hunts a Ghost (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman)

by JB Lynn

  “That would be great,” I enthused, despite the fact she didn’t seem too excited about the prospect.

  “That’s it? You just want me to visit our niece?”

  I smiled, glad she was saying “our niece.” “Yeah, that’s it. But only if you have time.”

  “I’ve got nothing but time,” she said with an answering grin.

  “Thanks. I’ll see you later,” I said, needing to get a move on. I had to spring DeeDee and get my work for Ms. Whitehat and Delveccio done.

  “Later,” Marlene waved good-bye and moved toward the B&B with a little more pep in our step than she’d had.

  “Nicely done,” God approved from the depths of my bosom as I climbed into the driver’s seat of my car.

  “It frees up time for other things.”

  “And it gave her a sense of purpose,” the lizard reminded me. “But you knew it would.”

  “You give me too much credit.”

  “You don’t give yourself enough,” he lectured as I put the car into drive.

  When I pulled into the town’s pound parking lot, God leapt from the headrest, where he’d been perched so that he could critique my driving skills, onto my shoulder. Since he’s so practiced at it now, he shimmied down my bra strap to his hiding place with a minimum of fuss.

  “You have to be quiet when we’re in there,” I warned him as I climbed out of the car. “I can’t have my chest squeaking. They might not let me take Doomsday if they think I’m unfit or something.”

  “One,” he said haughtily. “I don’t squeak. Two. If you walk in there and call her Doomsday, they’re never going to let you have her.”

  “Okay,” I muttered, knowing he was right. I strode up to the entrance, hoping I looked the part of a responsible pet owner.

  A cacophony of barks and meows started up from inside. While I could make out some snatches of words, there were too many voices to make sense of what they were saying.

  I opened the door and the noise level increased ten-fold. I rocked back on my heels as I absorbed the auditory assault.

  I’m not sure how long I stood there before a woman wearing more make-up than Aunt Loretta does on “date night” and an ill-fitting beige uniform approached.

  “Can I help you?” she asked. It was hard to make out her words over the din because her voice was more gravelly than Vin Diesel’s.

  “I’m looking for my dog,” I shouted back.

  “What kind?”

  “A Doberman.”

  Her gaze narrowed, which made her heavy-handed smoky eyes take on a decidedly menacing appearance.

  “The one from the hospital?”

  “Yes,” I nodded excitedly. “I want to take her home.”

  Motioning for her to follow me, she led me down a hallway, slightly away from the racket created by the dogs and cats. She opened a door, ushering me into an office. I stepped inside and my mouth fell open.

  While the rest of the building was done in utilitarian institutional chic... meaning it was gray and bare, her office was an oasis of beauty. It was painted in shades of lavender and beautiful houseplants lined every wall.

  “Holy cow,” I muttered.

  “Have a seat,” she offered, pointing me in the direction of a silk-covered chaise lounge.

  “This is... this is...” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

  “Unexpected?” she supplied helpfully.

  “To say the least.” I looked around the room taking in the details, the art on the walls, the fountain gurgling in a corner, the faint scent of orange blossom hanging in the air.

  “I get that a lot,” she said, sliding into the chair behind a mahogany desk.

  “It’s beautiful.”

  “You think so?”

  “Oh yeah,” I said, spinning in a circle to admire everything.

  “Some people think it’s too much, but I figure I spend most of my day in my van or in the kennel, so it’s nice to have someplace pretty to come back to.”

  “Pretty doesn’t do it justice,” I told her.

  “Thank you. Now about the dog.”

  “DeeDee,” I told her.

  “DeeDee. How long have you had her?”

  “A couple of months.”

  “Where’d you get her?”

  I stopped looking around the room to focus on the animal control officer. I couldn’t very well tell her that DeeDee, or Doomsday as she’d been called, had belonged to Gary the Gun, a blackmailing assassin I’d had to kill.

  So I said, “I found her.”

  “She’s not chipped,” the animal control officer said flatly.

  “Chipped?”

  “Microchipped. So that if she gets lost and someone finds her, they can use the chip to track down the owner.”

  “Oh. I didn’t know.”

  “And I’m guessing she’s not licensed?”

  I shook my head.

  “There’s a fine for having an unlicensed dog. And a fee for the license. Is she vaccinated? Because if she’s not there’s a fine for that too.”

  I gulped, wondering how much this little trip was going to end up costing me.

  “She’s still healing. How’d she get injured?”

  “She was stabbed.”

  The animal control officer blinked, caught off guard by my reply. “Stabbed?”

  I sighed heavily, thinking that Patrick was right. My life is crazy. “This guy I’d dated... only a couple of times, mind you, we were never serious—he was trying to kill me and DeeDee jumped in the way. So he stabbed her.” I hung my head, overwhelmed again by the guilt that she’d been hurt on my account.

  The other woman didn’t speak.

  I raised my gaze slowly, worried that the revelation would result in her refusing to give me back my dog.

  She pursed her lips together and I couldn’t help but notice that her lipstick had glitter in it.

  “I know it sounds crazy,” I started to say.

  “Men.” She humphed. “Men.”

  Not quite sure where she was going, I kept my mouth shut.

  “The single most annoying creatures on Earth,” she continued, pounding her desk for emphasis.

  I nodded encouragingly, figuring that if I joined her in her hatred of men, maybe she’d let me have DeeDee.

  “And yet we can’t live without them,” she said sadly. “I can’t find one though.”

  “Huh?” I asked intelligently.

  “I can’t find one. Lord knows I try.” She waved her hands around her face, indicating her make-up job.

  Feeling like I had conversational whiplash, I did my best to change subjects with her. “A good man is hard to find.”

  “A good date is hard to find.” She moaned.

  I nodded sympathetically. After all, the best man I knew was married to someone else and we’d never gone out on a date. “I hear ya.”

  Tears welled in her eyes and ran through her blush-stained cheeks.

  “Don’t cry.” I rushed around the desk and patted her shoulder, trying to offer some comfort. “They’re not worth crying over.”

  “My life is worth crying over.” She sniffled.

  “Mine too,” I muttered, plucking a tissue from the hand-painted box on her desk and handing it to her.

  “I live alone,” she confided.

  “I lived alone until my apartment blew up and I was forced to move in with my three aunts who drive me crazy,” I countered.

  “My sister hates me,” she wailed.

  “One of my sisters died and named me as guardian of my niece who was in a coma,” I told her. “That’s why I was at the hospital.”

  “Really?”

  “Uh-huh. I’m supposed to provide a stable home for a little girl and I can’t take care of my dog.” My own eyes filled with tears.

  That stopped her waterworks. She quickly pulled out another tissue and thrust it at me before wiping her own eyes and blowing her nose.

  “Your dog is well-fed,” she told me. “At least you’re doing that ri
ght.”

  “Thanks,” I said, but what I was thinking was that she was wrong. I didn’t keep DeeDee well-fed, Patrick and Aunt Susan did that.

  “C’mon,” my new friend said. “I’ll take you to see her.” Standing, she led me back into the gray hallway and toward the noisy animals. “She’ll be happy to see you.”

  When she opened the door to the kennel, I had the overwhelming urge to cover my ears and flee. Every cat and dog in the place was shouting and the smell of the place was an attack.

  I wrinkled my nose and forced myself inside.

  “We do our best for them,” gravelly-voice shouted, “but it’s a lot of work.”

  “Maggie! Maggie! Maggie!” a familiar voice yipped from the far-end of the kennel.

  Instinctively, I picked up my pace, hurrying toward Doomsday. She was standing up in her enclosure, her feet splayed against the wire-covered door. “Hey, sweetheart.”

  “Maggie!” she barked loudly.

  Sticking my fingers through the wire, I let her lick my fingers.

  “Ghost found I.” She panted excitedly.

  “What?”

  “Ghost found here I.”

  I turned to look into the other cages, searching for the little white dog I was charged with finding for Ms. Whitehat.

  “Your dog loves you,” the animal control officer said.

  “She’s a good girl,” I said distractedly, my gaze narrowing in on a tuft of dirty white cowering in the back of one of the cages.

  “Tell you what,” the animal control officer bargained. “You get her a license today and we’ll forget about everything else.”

  I snapped my gaze away from the little white dog huddling in a corner to the woman with too much make-up. “Really?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, we gals have got to stick together.”

  “That’s so nice of you.”

  “It sounds like you could use a break,” she said sympathetically.

  “I’d really appreciate that.”

  “Come on. We’ll do the paperwork and then we’ll get your dog released.” She turned and headed for the exit.

  “Leave me here,” God ordered from the depths of my bosom.

  Crouching down under the guise of petting DeeDee, I let him scamper out of my bra, along my shoulder, and into the Doberman’s enclosure.

  “I’ll be back soon,” I promised them both before standing and following the animal control officer out of the loud room.

  Tara, as the animal control officer insisted I call her since we’d now bonded, made quick work of the necessary paperwork while strongly urging I take DeeDee for all of her shots “just to be safe.”

  While she took a phone call, I returned to the kennel, hoping to get a chance to see Ghost. When I reached his cage, he was growling at God to leave him alone.

  “Hello,” I said, bending down so I was closer to eye level with the ball of fluff. “I’m Maggie. I’m going to get you out of here.”

  “Chip no,” the dog snarled.

  “Okay,” I replied calmly. “You don’t have to have a chip.”

  His black eyes practically bulged out of his little head. “Way no.”

  “Yes,” God drawled. “I did try to warn you that she’d understand every word you said.”

  “But... but...” the little dog painted nervously.

  “I know it’s a lot to take in, but I’m going to figure out how to get you out of here,” I assured him.

  “Why?”

  “It’s my job.”

  Considering Ghost looked to weigh less than ten pounds, I couldn’t imagine it would be difficult to move him.

  “No chip,” he barked.

  “Take it easy,” I urged.

  Before I could say anything else, Tara, carrying a set of jangling keys, entered the kennel area. “All set to spring your pup?”

  Standing up straight, I nodded. “What about this one?” I asked pointing at the overgrown ball of fuzz.

  “Found him as a stray too. Also, not chipped.”

  “Can I take him?”

  “No chip,” Ghost yipped.

  “If no one’s come to claim him in ninety-six hours, he’ll be available for adoption,” Tara said.

  I couldn’t wait that long. Ms. Whitehat needed him A.S.A.P. and I didn’t think she was the kind of woman who’d wait patiently.

  While Tara unlocked DeeDee’s cage, I bent quickly to scoop up God and dump him into my bra.

  “Maggie!” DeeDee barked excitedly, running over and throwing her full body weight at my lower half.

  I staggered backward, almost losing my balance. “Easy, girl.”

  “Good DeeDee? Job good DeeDee?” the mutt panted.

  “Good girl,” I assured her, patting her head. “You’re a good girl.”

  “You’re a moron,” God told her from the depths of my bosom.

  “Did you hear a strange squeak?” Tara asked, looking around for the source of the noise.

  “I don’t squeak,” God shouted.

  Fortunately, at the same time, DeeDee barked, “You missed too I,” which effectively drowned out the lizard.

  “Thanks so much for your help,” I said to Tara, eager to get away from there before anything went wrong. “It was nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too,” Tara said. “Maybe I’ll call you sometime and we can commiserate over the lack of good men. Your number’s on the license form.”

  I nodded weakly, offering her the semblance of a smile. All I wanted was the dog. I didn’t need a new friend. I looked down at Ghost. “I’ll be back for you, fluffball.”

  Baring his teeth, he snarled, “No chip.”

  I led DeeDee out to the parking lot and had put her in the backseat of my car when Tara came out of the building. “Hey,” she called, “if you like my office, you’ll love my car.”

  She hurried across the lot, waving for me to follow her. Since I didn’t have much choice, I did. She led me to a purple Volkswagen Bug.

  “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” Tara unlocked a door so I could peer inside.

  I have to admit, that as the interior of cars go, hers was pretty spectacular. The seats were covered with lavender velvet and the dashboard had been painted with some sort of glitter paint that made everything sparkle.

  “Cool,” I said appreciatively.

  “And check this out,” she said, showing off the custom paint job on the rear bumper. A bunch of numbers, painted in the shape of flowering vines, covered the bumper. “It’s my phone number.”

  I stared at it and at her SNGL GRL license plate. “Wow,” I murmured, thinking I’d never seen someone so eager to date... not even Loretta.

  Tara thought I was in awe of her car. “Can’t say I don’t try to meet men, right?”

  “Can’t say that,” I told her honestly.

  “I gotta get back to work,” she said. “Nice meeting you, Maggie.”

  She hurried back toward the building, leaving me to admire her car. I pretended to do that, when in reality I was scoping out the pound’s security system.

  “Is the coast clear?” God asked.

  “Yup.”

  He wriggled out of my bra, hauled himself up on the strap, and perched on my shoulder. “She has her phone number on her car?”

  “I guess she thinks it’s good advertising.”

  “Advertising what?”

  I pointed at her license plate.

  “It doesn’t say anything,” the lizard complained.

  “Seriously?”

  “That is not a word.”

  “It’s two words,” I told him.

  “Two?”

  “Single Gal.”

  “That’s not what it says,” he argued.

  “You are the world’s worst Wheel of Fortune fan,” I told him, heading to my car.

  “There’s no reason to get nasty about it.” He sniffed.

  Pulling him off my shoulder, I gently placed him on the dashboard of the car.

  “Hungry,” DeeDee
whined as I pulled on my seatbelt.

  “I’ll get you something soon,” I promised her.

  “Ghost doesn’t want to go with you,” the lizard said.

  “I got that much on my own.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  A sharp rap on my side window startled us all. I gasped, the dog barked, and the lizard screamed, “Aaaaaah!”

  I twisted in my seat to glare at the offending knocker.

  She smiled back.

  I barely suppressed a groan when I realized that the intruder was Candace.

  “Hi,” she said, though her voice was muted by the window glass between us.

  Grudgingly I got out of my car, leaving DeeDee and God behind. “Hi.”

  “I see great minds think alike,” she said with such cheerful chipperness I wanted to smack her until her face turned as pink as the flowery top she wore.

  Instead I said, “Come again?”

  “The pound.” She waved her hand in the building’s general direction. “We both thought Ghost might end up here.”

  “He did.”

  “You’ve been inside?”

  I nodded. “Yup. He’s there, but unless you can prove ownership, he won’t be released for ninety-six hours.”

  A frown tugged at the corners of her mouth. “You’re sure it’s him?”

  “Pretty sure,” I replied.

  “Maybe I can get some fake papers.” She pulled out her phone.

  “Fake papers? For a dog?”

  “He’s a very valuable dog.”

  “So I’ve heard,” I muttered.

  Candace, glancing up from scrolling through her phone’s directory, looked at me suspiciously. “What do you mean, you’ve heard?”

  “They’ve got both you and me searching for him. He must be valuable to somebody.”

  Satisfied with the answer, she nodded. “Let me see what I can do about the papers. I’ll be in touch.” Fiddling with her phone, she walked back to her car. A pink Mini Cooper.

  I wondered if she too had velvet seats. It was more likely, I decided cattily, that her seats, like her shirts, were covered with flowers.

  I watched her drive away before I got back into my car.

  “Hungry,” DeeDee whined immediately.

  “Do you think that was a good idea?” God asked. “Telling her where she can find Ghost?”

  I shrugged as I started the engine. “I was told to find the dog. I was told to work with her. I did both, so I don’t see how there could be a problem.”