by H. Q. Frost
Saving Magdelena will always be worth it even if she doesn't deserve it. But, she never deserved what I put her through.
"Qara," I speak into the silent phone and she responds in a whisper. It takes close to ten minutes before she gets Kipper on the phone. "I need a status. Her child needs to be returned to her."
"It's not the time," he says and sighs.
"Why?" I bark.
"Just a minute," he growls back and I hear the sound of doors closing. "She tried to kill me and herself—"
"What the fuck! With what?" I should have never trusted him to look after her.
"A knife." There's a moment of silence. "Taking Poppy from her was probably a mistake but she has to break before we can bring her back."
It was a mistake and I'm going to fix it.
"If anything happens to her—"
"Worry about yourself, Cal. We both agreed you have no business in her life anymore. I'll handle this situation, you just keep Poppy safe a little while longer."
I disconnect and toss my phone. I wanted to talk to her, but I can't. Not only am I not supposed to per mine and Kipper's agreement, it's not something either of us needs.
Standing from my desk, I fill a glass with whiskey and down it, remembering the short time I had her in this house. Sleep is making my eyelids heavy so I exit my office. These past few nights I've been falling asleep in my office and waking up in my clothes from the day before. We need some normalcy here or my son will only begin to descend further than he did today. Going to his room, I quietly sit on his bed, gently stroking his hair. I have to condition him not to feel, or I have to save him…
From that day, my every waking moment is spent with my son, and sadly my grandmother holds true to her promise to him. Her snide comments are getting stronger and stronger. She's training him that she is his foundation and there's only so much I can say without Cole questioning why I'm defying his grandmother. Something he's taught not to do.
This has to end. It all has to end.
Jesus. Sweat is pouring from my face while my hands shake. The syringe in my hand holds a serum to the hardest decision of my life and if I don't stop shaking I'm likely to walk away from this. I can't inject him when I can't focus or this could end up being extremely painful.
His dark hair falls over his forehead and into his eyes while he sleeps peacefully. This won't disrupt his sleep, but if I don't get on with it I'll miss my window.
My eyes glance at the clock: 6:48. He'll be awake in less than fifteen minutes if I don't do this now.
Biting my lip I stab the needle through his flesh and he gasps, his eyes going wide. Tears have started to mix with my sweat. I'm shaking so hard and vomit threatens to rise as I look into my little boys face.
What have I done?
"Daddy?" he says innocently and my chest begins to bounce while I break down.
It's only a moment before his eyes flutter. Clamping my lip to keep from screaming from what I've done, I grab him. His eyes roll back and body goes limp.
"Cole." I lay him down and jolt his body with a shake. "Cole?" I scream when he doesn't respond.
Scooping him up I run from his bedroom, holding my lifeless son in my arms. My chest is on fire because for the first time in my life I want to cry like a helpless child.
What have I done?
"Call for help!" I scream at staff as they flock to me.
Dropping to my knees, my bones scream when they hit the marble floor but physical pain is nothing compared to what I've just done.
Carefully laying him to the ground I begin chest compressions.
"Your Grace, what's happened?" someone asks.
"He's not breathing," I scream, pushing on his tiny rib cage. "Get help! Please get help!" I beg as my tears almost win out and I break down, but I keep pumping on his heart, fully knowing it won't change what I've done.
Help is an hour out due to the location of the estate but I don't plan on stopping, until a few of my great grandmother's men fight me away from Cole. Another squats and pushes his fingers to Cole's throat then looks over his shoulder where my grandmother is standing.
"He's dead," the man states causing my adrenaline to spike.
I break the restraints of three men holding me back and I cradle my boy, rocking him in my arms while I wail to the heavens. When Dr. Chen arrives he takes Cole from me and I lose focus. People are crowding him, more medical personnel, but I can't concentrate on any one thing. I stay on the floor of the hallway until someone makes me rise to my feet. I've been on my knees so long, they crack in protest. I'm walked down the hall to my office and guided to sit behind my desk.
His little face, his small voice, his fluttering eyes. They haunt me.
"Your Grace," whoever brought me in here says with worry but before I can focus on them I'm unconscious.
I haven't stopped shaking since Monday morning. With what little sleep I've had, I even wake in trembles and sweats. What I did was, to put it mildly, insane, but it had to be done. I couldn't leave Cole to the wolves. Though I'm present in his life, her presence would have had a much more negative affect. The man he would have grown to be would have been more monstrous than I.
I was raised by a broken mother and an arrogant father who took after his grandmother -my great grandmother- but I had my mother up until she died, and after her death I had Gee. That's not to say I grew to be a role model. Clearly I have not. But if Cole continues to be raised by my great grandmother I think his future would be bleak. Before Magdelena, I would have never thought that way, but that woman taught me things I never realized were needed in a man's life.
I exhale slowly and rise at the same time my office doors open. Lol stands at the threshold and stares at me. Stares as if he knows the truth behind my son's death, but he couldn't. He doesn't know the truth about anything yet.
The coroner's report indicated natural causes. My son had an unknown heart defect that would never have been detected before it was too late. There is no way Lol has this figured out.
"Your Grace," he says in a quiet tone. "It's time."
Time. Time to put my son to rest.
Before I came to this decision he has not been restful. He was lashing out more. Asking questions no little boy should ever think to ask. And the final straw was when he ran away two nights before I did what I did. He slipped out of the house and headed to my grandmother's in the middle of the night. She broke through to him somehow. She tainted him. And I couldn't live with that. This is for the best.
Using both hands I try to push my overgrown hair out of my face.
"Would you care to shower?" Lol asks me as I approach and my brows furrow.
I'm in the same clothes I put on two days ago and haven't showered since then. It took me almost twenty-four hours to shower and change after holding my son after I killed him, and I haven't cared since. With a glance toward my disheveled clothing I snap my head back up to look at him.
"You are the Duke of Covington, Your Grace. This is not an easy time, but you need to present yourself in a different light."
"Fuck my title. I'll be dead in a month's time. Fuck what I am. It hasn't meant anything." Now that Cole's gone, she will have no use for me.
"It meant everything to you, sir."
"Before," I bite back with aggravation.
"Before what? The tragedy? Because your status remains the same. Before this tragedy, you still reigned with pride, fully knowing you would meet your end too soon."
"No," I grit out, walking past him. "Before Magdelena." My words shut him up.
I haven't given a fuck about my title as duke since she left me, I just continued to play the part I'm paid to do. Killing my grandmother is the more logical option, but getting to her is still impossible. Her army continues to protect her around the clock, probably because she knows I would attempt to end her life as I did her husband's. I'm not certain she ever figured that out, but she's never been stupid. Unimaginably demented, but not stupid. Killing him wasn't my proudes
t moment but allowing that man around my son was never going to happen. My grandmother has spent too many hours alone with my boy, and while she's untrustworthy and a vile human, her husband was worse. There was no way I could allow him to have a private moment with my son without burning his house to the ground. The moment they moved onto the estate I knew I would commit murder, and at the time, if I got caught, it was worth it to protect Cole from him.
I quickly shower and put on a suit that's not wrinkled. When I open my bedroom door, Lol is standing there dutifully. Apparently the poor man believes he is now my protector. Not physically, but maybe mentally.
"Callum." He doesn't say anything else until I acknowledge him with a grunt. "Magdelena is his mother," he quietly says, again not elaborating until I grunt. "She should be at his funeral."
"Magdelena is still missing," I state, keeping my head high and eyes forward.
"Very well." He nods. He knows. But until I tell him for certain, he has no idea.
I look out the window as we pass and wonder if Magdelena has made peace with what I've done to her and Poppy's lives yet. A deep breath fills my lungs before entering the house library where mourners are gathered to say goodbye to my son. Some that know him, some that know of him, some that just want to be on the Carbon Estate for the experience. As I step into the room, people turn to look at me and part so I can get to the coffin. The bronze casket sits by the large windows allowing light to illuminate the small box, but the most disturbing sight is it's open. The casket was supposed to be closed. My steps quicken and I rush toward it until I see my boy. The sight of him in that box hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest and I stagger backward.
"It's open." My words jumble out in confusion. "The casket is open. Lol, it's open." Something has a grip of my lungs and is squeezing hard enough that I want to die. "Lol," I stutter out his name, reaching for something to help keep me on my feet. Dr. Chen grabs my arm and directs me to a chair. "The casket," I wheeze, pulling at my shirt like it's what's restricting my breathing.
"Your grandmother's request," he explains.
"My boy's in there." Turning to look at the doctor, my lip trembles.
"It's alright, Callum." He pulls me toward him and I don't want comfort, I want to kill my grandmother, but I give in, trying to stop this breakdown.
The familiar scent of Lol replaces the doctor's and I weep into his shoulder.
"I want it open," I hear my grandmother insist and I lift my head to see her stopping Dr. Chen from trying to close the lid.
"Leave it," I shout as I get to my feet, not wanting him to close Cole in there all alone. "Leave it." I wave my hand while wiping my face with my other.
I did not expect to be faced with that today.
Solitary confinement is not good for a mother going crazy. I'm going to flip out and as soon as that door opens, the person on the other side will pay.
How could he do this to me? I'm not even sure I understand what's happening. My daughter is safe but Callum's keeping her from me until I tell him it's okay he more or less killed me? Does he not comprehend that all I have is my family? Now I'm supposed to live in Mongolia with just me and my daughter? What was that shit about Kip? I can have Kip? Have Kip!
Callum is going to hurt when I see him again.
Hopefully that'll be soon because I can't stand this anymore. I don't know how long I've been in here but I've fallen asleep something close to ten times. It hasn't been ten days, but it's been enough days that I'm bored to death.
I spent god knows how long beating on that door, but it never opened, and now my hands and arms are bruised from it, so I laid off. There are no windows, only one locked door, and there's nothing but a couch, a stack of magazines and books, a toilet, and a water dispenser. There isn't even a cup for water; I have to stick my mouth under the nozzle.
When I hear a noise at the door I jolt up and run toward it. It swings open and I swing wide. Making contact with someone, what they're holding crashes to the ground and I look down at the food covering my feet. Then I see the knife. Diving like it's at the bottom of the ocean, I scramble to my feet and flail it like a mad woman. I'm covered in food and wielding what looks to be a butter knife, but I'm to the point I will do damage.
My eyes focus as Kip tries to restrain me and I slash at his face, actually making contact. When the force of the knife pushes back into my hand, guilt consumes me but I want free so I don't stop, not until he takes me to the ground. With the knife still in my possession, I shriek in anger, frustration, and exhaustion and I try to cut it into my wrist.
I'm disarmed and the weight on my back is removed.
"Jesus Christ, Mag!" he screams. "Are you trying to kill yourself?"
"Yes!" I shriek and my tears burst through. "You can't do this!"
"I have no choice! Fuck!" He's angrily cleaning the mess I made and I wish it were worse.
"You have abducted me! Kidnapped my child! You are going to rot for this!"
"Before you could get to the police, you'd be dead! Don't you see this is for you! All of this!"
"The only person trying to kill me is you two!" With what little energy I have left, I stand, flinging the food from my hands.
"We are keeping you alive. You and your daughter. She wants you dead, Mag. And when a Carbon wants someone dead, they die." He glares at me as if that'll scare me.
"You're wrong," I mutter, still trying to scrape the food from my arms and clothes. "That ninety something year old woman probably doesn't even have the strength to kill a fly and all you little boys are afraid of her."
"She's not quite that old." He quietly chuckles. "And we are fearful because what we care about is in danger. I'm already a dead man. I'm in the same position as you. I know too much about the Carbons so she wants me taken care of. We're in this together."
I snicker, wanting to collapse and sleep this away. "When I regain my strength, I'll fight you again," I warn him. I will fight until I can't anymore. I will never accept what they have done to my fucking life.
"Magdelena, stop."
"Don't call me that." I turn my back, wanting him to leave me the hell alone.
"He's gone. And he's not coming back. It's only me now. You only have me. Now stop. Magdalena." The door slams and I flinch.
Upon looking back, he's left the mess and I almost scavenge what I can from it because I'm hungry, but after I rolled in it, I think I'll forget that idea. I allow the water to pour freely from the water dispenser while I clean myself. I'm a fucking prisoner, and a hostile one at that, I will not act civilly. The small stream doesn't do much damage and when my drinking water threatens to run out, I flip the nozzle so it turns off. My shirt's yanked off and I throw it across the room because I don't want to smell whatever I rolled in anymore. It's matted in my hair and that small flow of water didn’t help anything. I'd give anything for a shower, a bed, to see my daughter. But living in reality, I walk toward the couch and sit, kicking off my shoes for the first time. I've neglected the folded blankets and pillow, but I'm too tired for pride anymore. I grab the stack and a book falls to the floor. Through the Children's Gate. I pick it up and stare at it, thinking about the best weekend of my life. Immediate guilt and anger fill me that that's the best weekend of my life. Before throwing the book across the room, I hug it to my chest and close my eyes.
This couch isn't comfortable, but now that I'm using the covers and pillow, I’m more relaxed. I open the book and see hand written words.
For My Pleasure
Always, -CC-
"Callum," I sigh and turn to the first page, letting it take me back to that weekend until I can't keep my eyes open any longer.
"Mag," the man in front of me in line keeps saying my name, and though I'm looking at him, he won't say anything else. I want to push him out of the way so I can get the line moving, but I'm not even sure what I'm in line for. "Mag," he says again and this time he starts to shake me. "Wake up." That's when I fade out of the dream and into consciousness. "Wake
up." It's Kip.
I groan and grunt, "Fuck." I was sleeping so soundly. "What the fuck do you want?" I shriek at him and open my eyes.
"I'll take you to shower."
I fling to a sitting position. This is my chance. I cover my face only briefly, trying to think this through, but there is really no way to think a plan through when I'm clueless to where I even am. Mongolia. That's all I know. It was dark when we arrived to this building and I stupidly didn't think to observe my surroundings on the drive here.
Not thinking about it, I stand and the blanket falls. My book hits the ground and when I look down, I remember I'm shirtless. My eyes flit to Kip's and his eyes are on mine. I suppose he's seen me shirtless a handful of times, no need for him to stare like it's the first pair of boobs he's seen. He's never even really paid attention to them. Or much of my body. Goddammit, I'm sick of being only a receptacle for men!
"Where?" I snap, tucking my book under my blanket.
"You're not going to get violent again, are you?"
"No, Kip." I huff and he leads the way.
"They'll have clothes for you too," he says with a glance back at my bra.
"Awesome. Quaint little B and B." He can't see my eye roll but I wish he did.
"I really don't understand why you're disregarding the fact you would die if I don't do this."
"Oh, I now, huh? Before, Callum was an accessory but now it's just you."
And sickly enough, I'm only pissed he excluded Callum because I know why they're doing this, but I have a feeling Callum's doing it more out of my safety and Kip's trying to reap the benefits.
"I told you he's gone. You're never going to have to deal with him again."
"Good," I snip my lame comeback because if that's true, the feeling in my chest is only going to get worse.
I'm pissed and I'm scorned but that doesn't stop love. Clearly nothing will stop my love for that man. And not the fairy tales and romance type of love. It's a deep-seated, burrowed so deep it cannot be carved out of your heart and soul no matter what they do to you kind of love. I called it being obsessed, strictly in lust with him, and while I am, that's not what controls my thoughts when it comes to Callum Carbon.