Coffee and Ghosts: The Complete First Season

by Charity Tahmaseb

  Coffee and Ghosts Season 1: Must Love Ghosts

  The Complete First Season

  Charity Tahmaseb

  Collins Mark Books

  Contents

  Author’s Note

  Coffee and Ghosts, The Season Lists

  Coffee and Ghosts

  1. Ghost in the Coffee Machine

  2. Giving Up The Ghosts

  3. The Ghost Whisperer

  4. Gone Ghost

  5. Must Love Ghosts

  Sneak Peek: Ghosts of Christmas Past

  What the heck is Coffee & Ghosts?

  About the Author

  Also by Charity Tahmaseb

  Author’s Note

  Coffee & Ghosts is a cozy paranormal mystery/romance serial told in episodes and seasons, much like a television series. Think Doctor Who or Sherlock.

  I’ve recently consolidated the episodes into three season bundles. This makes the episodes easier to find and—I hope—more enjoyable to read.

  * * *

  If coffee hasn't yet topped your list as the most versatile substance on Earth, consider

  "The Ghost in the Coffee Machine" by Charity Tahmaseb.

  ~ Lori Parker, Word of the Nerd

  Coffee and Ghosts, The Season Lists

  Season 1:

  Episode 1: Ghost in the Coffee Machine

  Episode 2: Giving Up the Ghosts

  Episode 3: The Ghost Whisperer

  Episode 4: Gone Ghost

  Episode 5: Must Love Ghosts

  Season 2:

  Episode 1: Ghosts of Christmas Past

  Episode 2: The Ghost That Got Away

  Episode 3: The Wedding Ghost

  Season 3:

  Episode 1: Ghosts and Consequences

  Episode 2: A Few Good Ghosts

  Episode 3: Nothing but the Ghosts

  Coffee and Ghosts

  The Complete First Season

  Ghost in the Coffee Machine

  Coffee and Ghosts: Episode 1

  When it comes to ghosts, my grandmother has one solution: brew a pot of coffee. Like today, in Sadie Lancaster’s kitchen.

  Sadie clutches her hands beneath her chin and stares at our percolator, her eyes huge. The thing gurgles and hisses as if it resents being pressed into service. My own reflection in its side is distorted. When I was younger, I thought this was how ghosts see our world.

  In places with bad infestations, they swirl around the percolator. I can reach out, touch hot moist air with one hand and the icy patch of dry with the other. One time, a ghost slipped inside. It rattled around until the percolator sprang from the table and hit the floor, splashing scalding water everywhere.

  I still wear the scars of that across my shins.

  But Sadie’s ghosts are barely ghosts at all. I’d call them sprites. They might annoy you on the way to the bathroom at three a.m., but little more. They also, as my grandmother points out, help pay the bills. So I remain silent while she pours the coffee: three cups black, three cups with sugar, three cups with cream, and three cups extra light and extra sweet. Twelve cups. Always. If anyone complains, my grandmother snorts and says, “As if no one has a preference once they’ve died.”

  Don’t get her started on instant coffee, either. Since I was five, my job involves carrying the cups throughout the house, up and down stairs, into bedrooms, dining alcoves, walk-in closets. We never skip the bathroom, no matter what.

  “The last place you’d want a ghost,” my grandmother says to Sadie. “Lecherous little beasts.”

  I walk past the two women, my steps slow and steady. I still burn myself, make no mistake. My hands wear the scars of multiple scaldings. We keep a burn kit in the truck. But as I place the last cup on the edge of the sink, I smile. At least I won’t need that today. I rush back to the kitchen for the Tupperware.

  Some ghost catchers use glass jars, but ghosts confined to small spaces can manifest images—grotesque or obscene or both. Ghosts, generally speaking, are pissed off and rude, which is why you don’t want one in your toilet. We buy the containers with the opaque sides, since what you can’t see won’t offend you. I use several at Sadie’s that afternoon, although truthfully, I only snag three little sprites in the den.

  “She’s imagining things,” I whisper to my grandmother.

  “Yes.” Her hand steadies my shoulder. “But how many repeat customers do we get?”

  She has a point. We’re good. When we’re really in the zone—the right type of coffee beans, perfect brewing temperature, clean catches—a house might stay ghost-free for decades. If we’re not careful, there won’t be any ghosts left to catch.

  With the sprites in the back of our pickup, we rumble down the county road that leads out of town and into endless fields of corn and soybean. Ten miles out, there’s a windbreak with a little creek. This is where we’ll set the sprites free. They’ll be, if not happy, content at least, and in no hurry to find other humans to haunt. I’m setting the sprites free—legs braced, container at arm’s length—when my grandmother speaks.

  “When I’m gone, Katy-girl, I’ll come back and show you how to rid them once and for all.”

  I sigh. I’ve heard this before. “But then I’d be getting rid of you.”

  “You wouldn’t like me as a ghost. Besides, they don’t belong on this plane. This has been my life’s work.” She touches three fingers to her heart. “I don’t see why it shouldn’t be my afterlife’s work as well.”

  She always says this. I always tell her she’ll live a good long time. Then we drive home, empty containers rattling against the flatbed, percolator perched between us, belted in, our third—and quite possibly most important—passenger.

  * * *

  That was three months ago. If my grandmother raged against the dying of the light, it didn’t show in her expression the following morning when I found her. She left me her house, the family business, and of course, the dented, silver percolator. I have yet to see a hint of my grandmother’s ghost. I’m not sure I want to.

  The house is quiet without her in it. Even the ghosts have stayed away. I shake the canister of roasted beans, give it a sniff, certain I’ll need to dump it and buy fresh within a matter of days.

  Sadie Lancaster calls as the first cascade of beans hits the garbage sack. I decide on those fresh beans now, and instead of running next door, I jump into my truck and head for the Coffee Depot.

  Ten minutes later, I pull up in front of Sadie’s house, but I don’t find her cowering on the porch (her usual position pre-eradication). Percolator under one arm, I ring the bell.

  “Oh, Katy,” she says, urging me inside. She beams like she has a secret. “There’s someone I want you to meet.”

  This is it. My grandmother has chosen Sadie’s house as the spot for her grand reappearance and that’s why Sadie isn’t scared. My steps quicken, heart fluttering something crazy. Do I want to see my grandmother like this? I’ve never been afraid of ghosts, but this is different.

  The aroma hits me first—rich, aromatic, turmeric, saffron, and a hint of rose petal. Sun glints off the sides of a samovar squatting in the center of the kitchen table, in the very place I always set the percolator. I clutch the thing to my chest as if that can protect us from its flashy usurper on the table. The samovar is gold-plated brass—I squint at it—in the Persian style instead of Russian.

  “Katy,” Sadie says, throwing her arms wide, “I want you to meet Malcolm Armand. He catches ghosts with tea the way you do with coffee.” Her fingers twitch as if she’s urging us closer together. I stand my ground. “You two have so much in common,” she adds.

  Malcolm runs a hand over smooth, dark h
air. His white dress shirt gleams in the sunlight streaming through the kitchen windows. I’m in torn jeans and a T-shirt. Why anyone would attempt ghost catching in something so fancy is beyond me. Even so? I can’t help but feel grubby in comparison.

  “It’s nice to meet you,” he says, extending that same hand, one without a single blemish or scar.

  I fight the urge to whip my own hands behind my back, out of sight. I gulp a breath and shake his hand, breaking contact the second it’s polite (okay, maybe a couple of seconds before it’s polite). I try not to stare too hard at Malcolm, so I let my gaze travel the kitchen, the dining alcove. No ghosts here. I’d be surprised to find even the weakest sprite. And certainly, my grandmother isn’t in residence.

  That leaves me alone with Malcolm—and the tea-scented suspicion about where all my business is going.

  * * *

  When I walk into Springside Long-term Care, the first thing I see is Malcolm standing in the center of the common area, enchanting all the residents, the gold-plated samovar glowing on a side table next to him. I freeze, so every time the automatic doors try to close, they bounce back open again. This draws attention. I sigh, give up my plan to sneak out, and step forward to meet the facility manager.

  “Oh, Katy,” she says, a flush rising up her neck, “I meant to call, so you wouldn’t make the trip out here.” She waves a hand at Malcolm. “He offered a “try before you buy” and well ... the residents just love him.”

  Or at least most of the female ones do. They gather around Malcolm and his shiny, shiny samovar, their oohs and ahhs mixing with the scented steam.

  I don’t point out that Springside is—and always has been—a gratis account. Older people, my grandmother always said, are haunted by many things. It’s only right that we chase some of their ghosts away.

  I’m backing toward the door, willing myself not to inhale a hint of rose petal and saffron, when a bony hand grips my wrist. The percolator crashes to the floor, adding one more dent to its history.

  “Katy-girl, are you going to let him get away with that?” Mr. Carlotta nearly growls the words. He may hold the world’s record for longest unrequited crush, in his case, on my grandmother. Even now, sorrow lines his eyes. His fingers tremble against my wrist.

  “What can I do?” I wave my free hand toward Malcolm. “He’s so flashy.”

  “More like a flash in the pan. Mark my words.”

  A part of me grabs onto what Mr. Carlotta says. Be patient. Business will pick up the second it’s clear you can’t catch ghosts with tea. Because honestly, who ever heard of that? My practical side—the side that pays the property taxes and utility bills—wonders if the local coffee shop is hiring.

  * * *

  I trace the scars on the backs of my hands while waiting for the Coffee Depot’s assistant manager. My qualifications are thin. I know ghost hunting and how to brew a damn good cup of coffee. But customer service? Well, when you ghost hunt, people don’t mind if you shove them out of the way, not if you trap the otherworldly thing shaking their house to the foundation.

  At the Coffee Depot? They probably frown on customer shoving. Still, the converted train station is quaint and life as a barista can’t be that bad, can it?

  The assistant manager plops down across from me. He wipes fake sweat from his brow and gives me a grin.

  “So,” he says. “Tell me a bit about yourself.”

  “I make the best damn coffee you’ve ever tasted.” I declare this because I’ve read online that you should be confident in your interview.

  He chuckles but doesn’t sound amused. “I’m sure you do. But tell me,” and now, the amusement is back, “what about frothing milk?”

  I like cappuccino, even if frothing milk is something I’ve never done. Likewise, I’m sure there are many fine answers to his question. I do not choose any of them.

  Instead, I say, “Why would you want to do that?” It’s like I’m possessed by the spirit of my grandmother, since in that moment, I sound just like her.

  “Right,” he says. He clears his throat, then gives me a long look. “I’ll take that challenge. Go make me the best damn cup of coffee I’ve ever tasted.”

  So I do. I stand, and with his nod, round the counter so I’m on the other side. My fingers barely brush the silver, industrial sized coffee machine when it starts to tremble. The thing wheezes. The tile beneath my feet shudders, sending a shockwave that resonates from toes to jaw. Next to me, the barista’s teeth clack together, and she pitches toward the cash register, clinging to it. Then, the machine erupts, spewing water and coffee grounds with so much force, they coat the ceiling, the walls, and all of the tables.

  * * *

  I offer to clean up. I offer to rid their machine of its ghost—for free. Everyone is damp, but since the water was only lukewarm, no one was scalded. This is why the assistant manager pushes me out of the store instead of calling the police.

  As the door closes, his voice echoes behind me. “Yes, do you have the number for Malcolm Armand ...?”

  Something won’t let me leave the sidewalk in front of the shop. My feet remain rooted there, next to the planters with the sugar maples. I stand there so long it’s a wonder I don’t sprout leaves. But since I do stand there so long, I’m treated to the view of Malcolm Armand double parking and springing from his two-seater. In the passenger seat, belted in like a trophy girlfriend, sits the samovar.

  “That’s not very practical,” I say.

  He halts in his trek up the walk, samovar held away from me. “What?”

  “Where do you put the ghosts? I mean, once you capture them.” I point at the convertible. “There’s no room.”

  He eyes me, my coffee-soaked shirt, stained slacks, and all. He sniffs, nose wrinkling, and tromps into the shop without another look in my direction. I turn, uproot my feet, and inch toward the front window.

  Inside is the mess I made, but I ignore that. What I want to see is how Malcolm works, what he does, how he entices the ghosts. I stare so long, the sun dries the back of my shirt. I study the inside of the shop, the placement of the samovar, and track Malcolm’s every move until the assistant manager jerks a cord and Venetian blinds block my view.

  Whatever grips me about the shop—the ghost or Malcolm—loosens its hold. Dismissed, I trudge home, leaving a set of coffee-colored footprints in my wake.

  * * *

  “K-k-aty? Are you there?”

  The call comes at nine in the morning, on a day so sunny and bright, only the most dedicated pessimist could remain that way. Since I have all my overdue bills spread out on the dining room table, I’m well on my way to joining their ranks.

  “Sadie?” It sounds like her, but I’ve never heard her voice so shaky.

  “Please hurry.”

  “What’s going on? Where are you?”

  “My porch. They won’t let me inside.”

  “Who won’t?”

  “The ghosts.”

  “Why don’t you call Malcolm?” The question comes out sharp, laced with acid and jealousy.

  “He’s t-trapped inside.”

  “Trapped?”

  “Dead?” Sadie’s voice hitches.

  “Ghosts don’t ...” Kill. No, normally ghosts don’t. But they can. “I’ll be right over.”

  The second I pull the half and half from the fridge and give it a good whiff, I realize right over isn’t happening. I toss the reeking carton into the garbage and head to the canister with the beans. A few lone ones rattle in the bottom. I haven’t been back to the Coffee Depot since my disastrous interview, but it looks like I’ll be stopping there today.

  With the percolator strapped in its seat, a four-pound bag of sugar snug against it, and several containers of half and half on the truck’s floor, I run two red lights on my way to the Coffee Depot. By the time the little bell above the door stops jingling, the assistant manager is rounding the counter. He stalks forward, arms loaded down with bags of coffee beans. He skids to a halt and shoves th
e beans at me.

  “But—” I begin.

  He holds up a cell phone. On the screen, a message reads:

  Malcolm: Give her anything she wants.

  Still uncertain, I blink at the words. In my arms, I hold everything I want, or at least need. For now. I head for the door.

  “Call or text if you need a resupply,” the assistant manager shouts after me. “I’ll have someone run it over.”

  The door whooshes closed before I can say thanks.

  * * *

  I test out the front door, the garage, even the window to the bathroom. Every surface I touch ices my fingertips. Sadie Lancaster’s house is in full-on ghost infestation. Usually something like this takes years to build up, or a sudden invasion of strong ghosts—a group of them. True, I haven’t cleared the sprites in a month or so, but that can’t be the cause of this.

  My gaze travels the structure, from chimney to foundation. All the windows are black, the cheery blue paint molting into a dead gray. I need to get inside. I need to do that now. So I do the most logical thing. I march up the porch steps, press my palm against the doorbell, and let it ring for an entire minute. Then I cross my arms over my chest and tap my foot.

  “Nobody’s getting any coffee if someone doesn’t open up this door.” I sound bossy, just like my grandmother. I kind of like it.

  A moment later, the door creaks on its hinges. I scoop up the percolator and my bag of supplies and race for the kitchen.