The Perfume of Silence

by Francis Lucille

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  If I completely give up my identification as I go to sleep, how is it that this identification seems to come back again in the morning?

  This question is based on an illusion, on the fallacy of a personal entity that would give up its personal identification and get it back again when it wakes up. This entity itself is an illusion. In fact the reason why there is ignorance and the apparent waking up from it, is simply divine pleasure, divine play. It is a game that we are playing with ourselves. We are children at play. When we fall deeply asleep, we experience peace. We go back to peace every night and also in between thoughts in the waking state. If we are attracted by the interval between two thoughts, if we want to abide in it, then it becomes an experience. It is not an objective experience, but it is an experience nevertheless. This interval of peace between two thoughts, which seems to be an illusion from the vantage point of the mind, becomes a reality. This is also true of the interval between two perceptions or two sensations. As this experience deepens, the so-called reality of the world correspondingly loses its tangibility; that is, it loses its reality as something outside and separate from consciousness.

  Is there a difference between enlightenment and self-realization?

  Enlightenment and self-realization are different. Enlightenment is the actual understanding that consciousness is not personal. It is the experience of the timelessness, impersonality, and limitlessness of consciousness. The seed of enlightenment is the feeling of being attracted by the truth, being interested in the truth. This seed is planted by grace. Self-realization is the establishment of this understanding at all levels of our experience, our thinking, feeling, and perceiving. It implies that at some point we find that we have no problems, we enjoy life to its fullest. It is possible that others will use these words in different ways and that is fine. In fact it is good. It teaches us not to ascribe any absolute value to anything apart from the Absolute. We shouldn’t worry about the meaning of words. It is what they signify that is important.

  I have trouble with the idea of disappearing.

  The person is afraid of disappearing or, more accurately, the person is the fear of disappearing. However, that which we are, consciousness, has no trouble with it because it knows deeply that it never disappears. There comes a moment when we feel a great freedom in ourselves, freedom from death. This enables us to truly live life to the fullest, whatever that means for each of us, for the expressions of beauty, love, and intelligence are so diverse. There is nobody who becomes self-realized. The notion of someone becoming self-realized is a contradiction of terms. We should not think of ourself, or anybody else, in terms of being realized or not. It would be better to use expressions such as, “This person is a beautiful human being.” Or just state the facts such as, “When I am with this person I feel good, I don’t feel fear and, if I do, it is just an old mechanism that doesn’t last, it just vanishes and my sky is blue again.” Or, “I feel that I have become a truth lover and that is the only thing that matters in my life.” All we can do is find who we are, rest there, and celebrate. There is nothing to worry about.

  What about attempting to celebrate from an ignorant viewpoint, thinking that we are resting there?

  Celebration is spontaneous. It comes from joy itself. Contrived celebration is not celebration. True celebration comes on the spot. It has its own flavor. It doesn’t come from the feeling, “I have realized.” That would be the wrong premise. True celebration doesn’t have any explanations, any verbalizations associated with it. It is just an explosion of freedom. When we are here together, there are moments when we feel this sweetness, like family. When we feel this perfume, that is the celebration. If we believe that the perfume is an object, we will never find it and we will claim that it is missing. However, this perfume cannot be absent. That which can be absent is not the true perfume. All we have to do is to get rid of the notion that it is not present. If we entertain the notion that it is not present, we then go looking for it, and the more we look for it the less we experience it. Get rid of the notion that it is somewhere else, that we have to struggle for it, that we have to pay a price for it, that we have to suffer for it, that we have to make efforts. Life doesn’t need to be different. We can live a normal life. It is OK to work, to make money, to make life easy for ourselves and for our family. Everything is OK.

  Sometimes things have gone wrong and our innocence seems to be betrayed.

  We have to understand, and this usually happens in retrospect, that it is precisely this betrayal of innocence that has led us to innocence. See that every event in our life was exactly what was needed at the moment it occurred, in order to keep us on the track that led us to the truth, that led us to innocence. Those circumstances provided just the right impetus towards truth; otherwise we would have remained static. To think that our innocence has been betrayed, betrays our way of thinking. There is in fact only innocence in motion towards innocence at rest. Somebody once asked Jean Klein about a child of four years old who died, and he answered, “How do you know that those four years weren’t exactly the right amount of time he needed in order to know absolute happiness?”

  Some of us feel that death is the ultimate abomination, but it is just our conditioning that makes us see it that way. We have to understand that as long as we look at the world as a human being, as a separate individual, we will see things accordingly, but as soon as we look at it from the vantage point of consciousness, it is quite different.

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  What can one do about ego?

  We have to understand what “ego” means. I use the word “ego” in a very precise way, which is different from the way it is used in psychology. I use it to refer to any thought or feeling that identifies consciousness exclusively with the body-mind organism. In fact, it is almost a synonym of ignorance, which is a better term, because it has nothing to do with the individual characteristics of the separate body-mind. Ignorance is the belief that consciousness is somehow dependent on the body-mind for its existence. That is ignorance or ego. It is a thought or a feeling. It is important to understand this, and not to think that the ego is an entity. An example of ego is the thought or the feeling, “I am something,” “I am a woman,” “I am a human being,” “I am happy,” “I am this age,” and so on. It is important to see that, because if we say, “Ego is an illusion,” people sometimes misunderstand this and say, “I perceive my mind, body, and thoughts, and yet you are telling me that I don’t exist.” This is not what is meant. What is meant is that it is an illusion to think that what we are is a thought or a feeling or an entity.

  The second common mistake is to think that the ego is something that we have to get rid of, or that we have to get rid of individuality. There is nothing wrong with the mind or the body. They do not need to be changed. It is the mistaken identity that gets corrected, the misunderstanding that we, consciousness, are dependent on the body-mind, which suggests that if the body dies, the mind dies, and if the mind dies, consciousness dies. That is ignorance.

  What is the difference between individuality and ego?

  Individuality is each unique manifestation of consciousness in human form. Ego is the feeling or belief that what we call “I,” consciousness, is exclusively limited to and dependent on one of these forms. Individuality is a celebration of the Self. Ego is an apparent limitation of it. All that needs to be done is to see the situation clearly. We get rid of misunderstanding through understanding, not through violence, effort, or belief. The ego is a misunderstanding, so freeing ourselves from ego can only take place through understanding. Understanding comes as a result of the investigation into the true nature of Self, self-inquiry. Only intelligence and understanding can free us from the false notion that is the source of our misery. Once the wrong perspective has been readjusted, then everything else gradually falls back into place, into its organic position.

  The investigation that precedes this understanding is not made through effort. It is enjoyable. We should
only do it if we are interested in it, if the question invites us, in which case we should allow ourselves to be invited. If we are invited, at the level of thoughts or bodily feelings, by the question, “Who am I?” then say, “Yes.” Cooperate, but no effort, no conflict. Conflict and effort only perpetuate the original mistake. It is better just to keep this attitude of freedom, of free thinking.

  Intellectual understanding can go very deep, but we then have to live in accordance with this understanding. It has to expand into all realms of our life, daily activity, professional life, relationships, the way we feel our body, our understanding of beauty, and so on. When we are in love with truth, we are eager to cooperate with this expansion, so that all realms of life become an opportunity for celebration. We don’t want to be happy only when we think.

  Patanjali refers to two sorts of “I-ness.”

  There are two sorts of I-thought. The first is when we think “I” without any attribute or limitation, without any image, without attaching the I-thought to anything, such as, “I am a person.” This pure I-thought refers directly to consciousness, but it is still an object because it is a thought. However, this thought takes us directly to its referent, which is consciousness. This I-thought is not ignorant although it is not consciousness. It refers directly to the source. This is what is meant by, “‘I’ is the first name of God.” The second I-thought is the identified I-thought, the ego. For example, “I am a human being,” “I am a man,” “I am a woman,” and so on. At the moment this thought appears, ignorance takes birth. The pure I-thought is really a bridge between its referent, consciousness, and ignorance. It is a gate. It is for this reason that Christ said, “‘I’ is the way, ‘I’ is the truth, ‘I’ is life.” The bridge that we cross one way going out of the Garden of Eden can be crossed the other way going back. The place of “I am-ness” is the beacon that tells us where the Golden Gate is.

  “I” as a thought can be seen as untrue, but “I” as a feeling doesn’t seem quite the same.

  In both cases it is an object, an appearance, something manifested. It appears to consciousness. The question arises, “Am I that which appears or that to which it appears? What am I?” When the I-feeling appears, it appears to me, whatever that is. This I-feeling, which is an object, is not the real “I,” because I am the real “I” to which it appears. I am the witness, not the witnessed.

  This witness is not the ego. The ego is the I-feeling identified, or the I-thought identified. It is the feeling, “I am located here in this body.” Or it is the thought, “I am this body, I am this person.” The pure I-feeling is beyond the ego. The reason we call it pure is because it is not identified. It has been separated from attributes.

  In order to understand that I am the witness and not the witnessed I-feeling or the I-thought, I must somehow have the experience of the witness; otherwise, I couldn’t possibly understand that. This understanding comes directly from the experience of the source. This understanding is in fact the experience of the source. It is a glimpse of our true nature. It is nowhere and everywhere. It is nowhere because it is not an object, it is not in space. It is everywhere because all objects appear in it.

  Could you say something about using the thought “I” or “I am” as a way of returning to one’s true nature? I find it very difficult.

  It doesn’t matter if you don’t know how to focus on “I am.” Just try it. To try it is to be successful. As you try it, you will recognize it, because you know what you are. You know the direction of the “I am.” It knows itself in you. Don’t stop at any object, any thought or feeling. Gently take the attention away from this thought or feeling back to the “I am.” At first it might feel like an effort. Let this effort relax back into the source or the Self, which it is seeking. Keep the intensity, but let this intensity lose its contour, its contraction. Every time you get stuck with a sensation, a feeling, or a thought, think or feel “I” inside. Focus the attention on the deep feeling of “I.” That will unstick you. Although the one who meditates on the Self looks very quiet from the outside, there is in fact a great intensity inside. There is a great intensity of desire, of turning the attention towards the source.

  Feelings, thoughts, and perceptions are not rejected in this meditation. They appear in the perfume of “I-am-ness.” The attention is not directed towards them, but rather towards the “I­am-ness.” The one who is afraid, the one who desires, the one who likes and dislikes, is a mere body-mind appearance against the background of “I-am-ness.” Don’t lose sight of the background. Don’t feel you are unsuccessful in this meditation. You are successful every time you redirect the attention towards its source.

  From the thought “I,” we go to a more subtle feeling, the I-feeling. And from there, it merges with the Absolute, with its source. It merges with the source of our intention, this presence, this all-pervading conscious space, this “I am.”

  The problem we sometimes encounter in trying to do this is that either the conscious space or the thought “I” may remain as objects. The space may remain a physical space or a space in the mind, without merging with presence. The conscious space, the all-pervading consciousness, and the “I am” are all the same thing, which is not a thing.

  However, this unique thing can be approached from two different angles. One is from feeling, from open space, open welcoming. The other is from the I-thought, and this is closer to the mind, to the inner world.

  In both cases we may encounter dryness at some point, a lack of perfume. In this case, it would be interesting to try the other tool, knowing that they are ultimately the same. It is simply a different version of the same vehicle. In this way we return to an experience of presence that is vibrant. It is not a blank state.

  As we take the I-thought, we take it with the intention of understanding, of experiencing the reality that it refers to. We take this I-thought and we allow it to guide us to the source, and then we abide in this source for a few moments. To begin with, the habit of agitation in the mind or in the body, will take us away. At that moment, we can again gently take this I-thought, always in a living way, with a desire to experience its referent, our presence.

  “I” is the highest mantra. In using it in this way, we avoid boring repetitions. It always remains alive, always directed towards its meaning. Just try it and be very determined, courageous, patient, and stubborn at the same time. Make sure that the juice, the perfume, is always flowing. Make sure you are not simply singing the song without understanding the meaning.

  We don’t have to repeat the thought “I” unless we realize we have lost the feeling of presence. We use the thought “I” as a reminder, as a line that takes us back to safety, whenever we discover we are lost. In this way we also avoid monotonous repetition. When we are abiding in presence, it is unnecessary to say “I.” The “I” mantra is only used in the presence of dryness, doubt, or lack.

  This “I” mantra is also the shortest form of highest reasoning, the shortest thought that takes us back to understanding, to intelligence. Once that has been understood we realize that, just as it supersedes all mantras, it also supersedes all clever means that can be used by the mind. In other words, once that has been understood, there is no need for any further thought. In this case, if there is a thought or a feeling, we simply release this thought or this feeling into the “I am-ness.”

  Could you say more about these two different ways of going to our true nature, one through thinking and the other through feeling, and the obstacles that we encounter?

  Whenever you notice that you are involved in thinkingness, just notice it. Don’t judge yourself. There is nobody to be judged. It is just a natural phenomenon arising. Similarly your recognition of it is another natural phenomenon. There is nobody to judge or be judged. Surrender both the judge and the judged to the presence in which they appear. Live with whatever the moment brings, fresh and new. Let it flow through you, allowing each appearance to be freely replaced with the next appearance. Don’t stick to any
appearance. The fall from the Garden of Eden takes place when we become attracted by and involved with objects, forgetting our true center, the presence. When we stick to objects, either because we want to keep them or because we want to get rid of them, we fall from the garden. The objects are the devil’s temptation. We go back to the garden when we unstick ourselves from objects.

  At the level of bodily sensation, we may find ourselves stuck with a big feeling or a big sensation. Usually this is because, implicitly or explicitly, we want to get rid of it and we are therefore consciously or unconsciously focusing on it. In this way, our attention becomes captive of this particular feeling. We have fallen into the devil’s trap. Simply recognizing that we have fallen into the trap, liberates us from it.

  If there is thinkingness, let it find its own resolution. Its momentum will dissipate simply by no longer fueling this dynamism. It is like riding uphill on a bicycle: if you stop making any effort, the momentum wears off and you come to a stop. It is the same here. Stop adding energy to the thinking process by believing in the myth of a separate being.

  When the agitation of thought diminishes, the feeling level becomes more apparent. This is the time to be courageous because some feelings that come up may be overwhelming. However, they are only feelings. They are in fact only bodily sensations with a “me” attached to them. If we quietly let them do their thing, the “me” level detaches itself. They lose their “me-ness” and also, by the same token, their meanness. They become more docile, tamed, presentable, civilized. They are no longer a problem. We can live with them. We can have a life in spite of them.

  The main obstacle is to want to get rid of these feelings, to eliminate them. That is the trap of the gradual path. It is endless. The moment we become hypnotized by a feeling as a result of wanting to get rid of it, we are stuck. We remain stuck at that level until we let go of the desire to get rid of it. We can stay there for years or for a split second, which is the same as not staying there at all. It is our choice. If we get stuck for a long time with every feeling we encounter, the path is endless. Understand that it is truly our choice whether or not we get stuck with every feeling we encounter. It is not something that is imposed upon us. It is something we impose upon ourselves. We do it because we like it. For instance, if someone is angry and wants to perpetuate his anger and act it out, it is simply because he or she enjoys it.