Tim Dorsey Collection #1

by Dorsey, Tim

  “…Eight-eighty-eight Triggerfish Lane. Eight-eighty-eight Triggerfish Lane. Eight-eighty-eight Triggerfish Lane…”

  John turned left on Triggerfish and began looking at house numbers. When he got to 888, there were a bunch of people on the porch. John hadn’t expected that. He decided to come back when there was less of a crowd.

  Jim Davenport looked off the porch at the man walking briskly down the sidewalk.

  “That guy looks familiar. Where have I seen him?”

  “Why is he trying to hide his face?” asked Martha.

  “Where do you want these?” Gladys asked with an armful of Statue of Liberty mosquito candles.

  “Put them around the railing,” said Martha. “What am I forgetting? I know I’m forgetting something.”

  “Will you relax?” said Jim. “You’re like this every time before you entertain.”

  Martha couldn’t relax. She’d worked herself silly getting ready for the big July Fourth costume party tomorrow. She couldn’t stop the checklist from looping through her head. Hamburgers, hot dogs, charcoal, marshmallows, American flag paper plates, Declaration of Independence napkins…

  Across the street, the college students were making their own preparations. They had located some stale hash cookies and decided to pool all of their fireworks purchases and construct a single multistage rocketship held together with masking tape and hallucinogenic optimism. Its construction was conceived, directed and overseen by the students’ next-door neighbor, Serge A. Storms, who was paying particular attention to the scale and authenticity of the Saturn V replica. His assistant was a short old man wearing Serge’s nifty silver NASA jacket, his hands barely poking out the ends of the sleeves.

  “Vehicle Assembly Building, Level Twelve, report in,” said Serge.

  “Roger, control,” said Ambrose. “Stage coupling confirmed.” Then they did a secret NASA handshake that Serge had invented.

  The students finally had to stop building when the rocket reached the living room ceiling. Serge said good night and advised the students not to stay up too late.

  “Tomorrow’s the big day!”

  45

  THE SUN ROSE IN A WARM, clear sky the morning of July Fourth.

  John Milton got out of bed at Splendid Acres and went in the kitchen and ate a piece of dry toast. “Eight-eighty-eight Triggerfish, Eight-eighty-eight Triggerfish…” He watched seven hours of talk shows, then grabbed his stun gun and headed out the door to the apartment building parking lot, where he removed the protective tarp concealing a white Ferrari F50.

  SERGE’S EYES FLEW open when the beam of sunlight hit his pillow. He checked the date on his diver’s watch. July Fourth.

  “Yessssss!” Serge threw back the covers and jumped out of bed. It was his favorite day of the year.

  He stuck a Springsteen CD in the stereo and got to work. Serge was running around the house with a feather duster when Coleman and Sharon stumbled down the hallway.

  “Why’s the stereo so fucking loud at this hour?” said Sharon.

  “…Born in the U.S.A.! I was born in the U.S.A.!…”

  “It’s Independence Day!” said Serge. “Look alive. We got a full schedule!”

  “I’m not doin’ shit today!” Sharon plopped down at the kitchen table and lit a cigarette. Coleman got a beer from the fridge.

  “Oh, yes you are!” said Serge. “You think freedom is free? A lot of blood was spilled so we can live like this!”

  Coleman held his beer at arm’s length and admired it. “You mean they fought for my right to party?”

  “Exactly.”

  “How can we show our appreciation?”

  “By barbecuing.”

  “I can’t believe what I’m listening to,” said Sharon. “You’re a couple of boobs. I’m going back to bed.”

  “No, you’re not,” said Serge.

  She began walking toward the bedroom. “Oh, yes I am!”

  Serge followed.

  Sharon took off running. “Get away from me, you freak!”

  Serge chased her down the hall. “The redcoats are coming!”

  THE ZUCKERMANS OF Sarasota pulled into the Davenports’ driveway in a late-model Cadillac Seville.

  Jim and Martha came down off the porch.

  “God, I hate this,” Martha said through an artificial smile.

  “They’re your parents,” Jim said through his own smile.

  Everyone hugged.

  “You look thin,” Mrs. Zuckerman told Jim. “Martha, have you been feeding him?”

  “Don’t start.”

  “What? So shoot me for caring.”

  “Mom!”

  Melvin came running out of the house. “Grandpa! Grandma!”

  “You still sure you want to take them for the weekend?” asked Martha, installing Nicole’s safety seat in the Caddy.

  “Are you kidding? I could take the little darlings for a year.” Mrs. Zuckerman looked around. “Where’s Debbie?”

  “I’ll get her,” said Jim. He went inside.

  He found Debbie on the couch, sullen.

  “You need to get out there,” said Jim.

  “I’m not going,” said Debbie.

  “Why not?”

  “Sarasota sucks. And their house smells bizarre.”

  Jim just looked at her. It was his hurt look. Debbie could fight like cats and dogs with her mother, but not her dad.

  “Stop looking at me like that!”

  “Like what?”

  “Okay, I’ll go!”

  Jim returned to the driveway. “She’ll be out in a minute.”

  Debbie finally came out the front door with a scowl. She had stringy black hair, black clothes and black lipstick.

  “My little angel!” said Mrs. Zuckerman.

  Jim and Martha waved at the departing Cadillac, then went back inside and continued preparing for the big block party.

  There was a knock at the front door.

  “I’ll get it, honey.”

  Jim opened the door.

  It was Elvis. At the curb sat a white van with a magnetic sign on the side. Elvis handed Jim an eviction notice. He put his head down and pointed at the sky.

  “Vivaaaaaaaa, Las Vegas! Vivaaaaaa…”

  Jim closed the door.

  Martha walked into the room opening a box of red, white and blue plastic forks. “Who was that, dear?”

  “I don’t understand it,” said Jim. “We’re paid up.”

  Through the door: “Thank you. Thank you very much.” Then a van started up and drove away.

  “There must be a mistake,” said Martha.

  Jim turned the notice over. It said in big red letters that the appeals deadline was today at 4 P.M., and they both had to appear in person at the bank.

  “But it’s a holiday,” said Martha. “They’re closed.”

  “Something fishy is going on,” said Jim.

  Martha grabbed her purse. “Let’s get to the bottom of this.”

  LANCE BOYLE WAS parked across the street in his gold Navigator, snorting speed and staking out the Davenport residence. He saw Elvis deliver the fake eviction notice he’d printed up on his computer, then saw Jim and Martha drive off for their bogus meeting at the bank.

  When they were out of sight, Lance climbed down from the Navigator and walked across the street. He took a seat on the Davenports’ porch swing and waited.

  He swung nervously and whistled and checked his watch. He started to worry that the loan officer he had talked to on the phone the day before would be late, and maybe the Davenports would return early after finding the bank closed. Just then, a car slowly turned the corner. A snow-white Ferrari F50. It stopped in front of the Davenports’.

  “Wow! The bankers must be doing pretty good!” said Lance. He got off the swing and trotted down from the porch.

  John Milton got out of the Ferrari. “…Eight-eighty-eight Triggerfish. Eight-eighty-eight Triggerfish. Eight-eighty-eight Triggerfish…” He met Lance in the middle of the
lawn.

  “Are you Jim Davenport?”

  “Yes, I am,” Lance said with a big smile. He put out a hand to shake.

  John stuck out his own hand, but it had a stun gun in it, and he jolted Lance in the chest.

  John went back and stood next to the Ferrari with his hands on his hips, casual, as if Lance weren’t flopping around on the lawn behind him. So far, so good, John thought. He pulled out a piece of paper. It was Plan A. He crossed out Jim Davenport’s name at the top of the page, then looked at the next name. Rocco Silvertone, who was due back at the dealership after dinner.

  John started getting back in the Ferrari when he realized a flaw in Plan A. If he pulled into the dealership in the Ferrari, Rocco would recognize it, and he’d lose the element of surprise. He closed the Ferrari’s door and walked over to Lance, twitching in the grass. He reached in Lance’s pocket and pulled out some keys. They said Lincoln. John turned and saw the Navigator. He got in and drove to the end of Triggerfish, and stopped to let four pedestrians cross the street.

  Serge, Coleman, Sharon and Ambrose strolled single file across Triggerfish Lane in the crosswalk, a tropical Abbey Road. Coleman was barefoot. A Lincoln Navigator made a left behind them and drove away.

  “Serge, you’re such a dipshit!” said Sharon.

  “I’m warning you, woman! Get off my case!”

  “Hey!” yelled Coleman, pointing up the street. “The Ferrari!”

  Everyone except Sharon began running to the stolen car dumped in front of the Davenport residence.

  “The keys are still in it,” said Coleman.

  “There’s a guy flopping around on the lawn,” said Ambrose.

  “That can’t be helped,” said Serge. “Get in.”

  Serge took the driver’s seat, and Ambrose sat in Coleman’s lap on the passenger side. “There’s no room for you,” Serge told Sharon. She gave them the finger and headed back to the house.

  Lance slowly came out of his seizure. He pushed himself up into the sitting position, shook his head to clear the fog and saw the Ferrari pulling away.

  “Man!” he said. “The banks are getting rough!”

  VIC PACED THE showroom at Tampa Bay Motors. He stared at Rocco’s office door. It was locked. Loyalty was one thing, but a man’s life was at stake and Rocco’s judgment was beginning to give off a bad odor. Vic decided to call the police. He picked up the phone.

  CORRESPONDENT BLAINE CREASE burst breathlessly into the office of the news director at Florida Cable News. He said he had to go on the air right away.

  “Slow down. What’s this all about?”

  Crease told him.

  “I don’t know,” said the director. “Where’d the tip come from?”

  “A police officer trying to nail the weather girl.”

  “We get more stories that way,” said the director. “Details?”

  Crease said a local captain of industry was being ransomed, and the victim’s corporate headquarters in New York wasn’t answering their phones. Crease had tried calling the number himself without luck. The company must be trying to avoid the cops and media. A briefcase was probably changing hands in Tampa right now.

  “It’s airtight,” said Crease.

  “Check the computer files,” said the news director.

  “Do I have to?”

  “We don’t even know if this Ambrose guy even exists, let alone if he has any money.”

  A few minutes later, Crease ran back in the news director’s office out of breath again. “Nothing in the computers. Now can I go on the air?”

  “Of course not!” said the director. “Nothing in the computers is a red flag. That means there might be a hole in your story.”

  “So that’s what that means.”

  “You sure there was nothing?” said the director. “Not even a charity ball grip-and-grin?”

  Crease shook his head.

  “Go back further,” said the director. “Check the hard files.”

  Crease thought all this fact-checking was getting ridiculous, so he lateraled it to a nineteen-year-old intern named Sinbad, who came back in an hour, unable to find any files at all.

  “Where are the old files?” Crease yelled across the newsroom. He got a group shot of puzzled expressions.

  “Ask Bartholomew,” said one of the reporters, pointing over toward the oldest member of the staff.

  “Hey, Bartholomew!” yelled Crease. “You know where the old files are?”

  Bartholomew said he’d been forced to hide the files to prevent them from being thrown out by people who didn’t give a hoot about the profession.

  “I can’t tell you how many times they’ve been this close to being trashed. With all the turnover, there’s no institutional knowledge anymore!”

  “But what good are they if they’re hidden?” asked Crease.

  “When was the last time you looked anything up?”

  Crease was growing tired of Bartholomew’s stupid questions. “Where are they?”

  “Will you promise not to let anything happen to them?”

  Blaine nodded like he was dealing with a child. Bartholomew told them which closet. Crease and Sinbad ran down the hall, opened a janitor’s storeroom and began unsealing dusty cardboard boxes.

  Luck was on their side. It was in the third box: a file marked Tarrington containing a single, fragile newspaper clipping.

  “We’ve got it!” Blaine yelled. He started reading the yellowed clip on Ambrose.

  Maintenance workers came by with a rolling bin. “Got anything to throw out?”

  Blaine looked up, distracted. “What? Oh, yeah. Get rid of these old boxes.”

  He ran back to the studio and burst in the director’s office.

  “We got it!”

  “How solid?” asked the director.

  “Bedrock!” said Blaine. He proudly handed over the clipping with a smiling photo of a much-younger Ambrose. “It’s from 1978. It’s the only thing we got. Ambrose Tarrington the Third, wealthy owner of a chain of duty-free shops, just elected secretary of Tampa’s chamber of commerce.”

  “Sounds legit. Run with it.”

  46

  INSIDE 887 TRIGGERFISH, all was quiet. The three surviving McGraw brothers sat motionless on the couch watching a cuckoo clock. Weapons cradled in their laps. Bandoliers across their chests. Passing a bottle of George Dickel.

  A small wooden bird popped out four times.

  “One more hour,” said Rufus McGraw.

  “THAT’S THE STRANGEST THING,” Martha said as they pulled back in their driveway after finding the bank closed.

  “I’m going to straighten this out first thing next week,” said Jim.

  “Look at the time!” said Martha. “The guests will be arriving any minute!”

  Sure enough, a car pulled up. Paul Revere and Betsy Ross got out.

  After that, the guests came in bunches down both sides of the sidewalk. Ben Franklin and his kite, John Hancock with a giant inflatable novelty pen, Nathan Hale with a rope around his neck. Dolley Madison brought cupcakes.

  Lance Boyle came uninvited, but nobody recognized him. His face and hair were painted silver, and he wore a giant papier-mâché Liberty Bell over a hoop-skirt frame.

  “We don’t have enough food,” said Martha.

  “Will you relax?” said Jim. He reached up and adjusted Martha’s George Washington wig. “You’ve done a great job. Now it’s time to enjoy yourself.”

  More guests arrived in chronological order. John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Eli Whitney and his cotton gin. The Robinsons and their two children came as Mount Rushmore. Lewis and Clark apologized for being late, but they had trouble finding the house.

  The party picked up.

  Martha and Jim pulled furniture out of the way in the living room and turned on some music. Guests filled the makeshift dance floor. Indians with tea boxes, John Paul Jones, Crispus Attucks. Benedict Arnold thumbed through the CDs and stuck “Back in the U.S.S.R.” in the stere
o. Everyone booed.

  “See?” Jim said in his stovepipe hat. “The party’s a success. Will you stop running around?”

  “You better start the grill.” She ran to check something in the oven.

  Jim went out on the patio. Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton were dueling it out at horseshoes. The Wright Brothers played badminton. Jim squirted lighter fluid in the barbecue and lit the coals. General Sherman came over and told him the fire wasn’t big enough.

  Martha ran around dumping ashtrays. Ulysses S. Grant spiked the punch bowl. Uncle Sam was in the bathroom snooping through the Davenports’ medicine cabinet.

  Gladys Plant came up the walkway dressed as George Washington. Martha greeted her.

  “I brought a cherry pie,” said Gladys. She noticed something wrong on Martha’s face. “What’s the matter?”

  “You’re wearing the same thing I am.”

  The burgers were ready. Jim rang a dinner triangle, and everyone came inside and ate. Martha ran around collecting greasy paper plates and crumpled napkins.

  “We forgot the games,” Martha told Jim. “They’re going to get bored.”

  “Will you stop?” said Jim.

  “Better put some more burgers on,” said Martha. She ran into the master bedroom closet and pulled down an old Milton Bradley box. She returned to the living room and unfolded a large plastic mat with colored circles.

  “Anyone for Twister?”

  Suddenly, the front door crashed open and three huge men with guns charged into the room.

  “Nobody move!”

  “I can’t place the costumes,” said Thomas Edison.

  “Shut up!” yelled Rufus McGraw, slamming Edison in the head with his shotgun stock.

  Everyone went silent.

  “Where is he?”

  Nobody answered.

  Rufus racked his shotgun. “I said, where is he?”

  “Who?” said Gladys Plant.

  “Jim Davenport!”

  “Jim who?” said Gladys.

  “Don’t play stupid!” said Rufus, pointing the shotgun at her. He yelled over his shoulder to his brothers: “Check all the rooms!”

  Lance Boyle was sneaking some more crank in the bathroom, then headed back out to the party. His Liberty Bell got wedged in the doorway, and he struggled briefly and pulled free. He turned the corner and saw what was happening. He was delighted.