Playing with Fire (Skulduggery Pleasant, Book 2)

by Derek Landy

  "She can't do that," he said. "That's illegal!"

  "I'm afraid it's not. It's a loophole she's been exploiting for years. She sucks out the brain and swallows it, thereby digesting and absorbing the knowledge."

  "But that's horrible," Scapegrace said weakly.

  "You've left us with little choice. Tanith, if you wouldn't mind?"

  From her position behind Scapegrace, Tanith held up her hands in a what do you expect me to do? gesture. Her hands dropped when Scapegrace tried to look back at her, and she became deadly serious. The moment he took his eyes off her again, she went back to helpless gesturing.

  Scapegrace righted himself in his chair and made his hands into fists, and screwed his eyes

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  shut. "You're not going to suck out my brains!" he yelled.

  Skulduggery sat back and didn't offer Tanith any advice. She pointed a finger at him, wagged it slightly, and then turned her attention to Scapegrace. She sighed, walked up beside him, and held her hands over his head. His eyes were still screwed shut.

  Tanith changed her mind about the hands thing and leaned over, putting her mouth next to his ear. His body went rigid. Her lips parted, and the barest sound of skin leaving skin made Scapegrace scream and jerk back and topple over sideways. He crashed to the floor.

  "I'll tell you!" he squealed. "I'll tell you everything I know! Just keep her off me, you hear? Keep her away from my brains!"

  "Is the Torment still alive?" Skulduggery asked, standing over him.

  "Yes!"

  "When was the last time you had contact with him?"

  "Two years ago, I swear!"

  "What was the nature of the meeting?"

  "I just wanted to talk to him!"

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  "What did you talk about?"

  Scapegrace peeked up, made sure Tanith wasn't about to start with the brain sucking. "Nothing. He walked away. He wouldn't talk. I don't think he likes me."

  "Why doesn't he like you?"

  "I don't know. Maybe it's my smell."

  "What do you know about the Grotesquery?" Valkyrie asked.

  "Nothing, not a thing, honest."

  "Tanith," Skulduggery said wearily, "suck his brains."

  "No! Wait! I don't know anything, but he does! During the war, the war with Mevolent. He was tracking Baron Vengeous."

  "Why?" Skulduggery asked.

  "He was going to kill him. During that whole thing-- the war-- he was on your side.I was on your side too."

  "I never saw you fight."

  "I was somewhere near the back," Scapegrace said weakly. "But the fact is, we were all fighting the same enemy-- that counts for something, right?"

  Skulduggery tilted his head. "The enemy of my

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  enemy is not necessarily my friend."

  "The Torment, he told me once that he'd been watching Vengeous and he'd been about to strike when, when you showed up. You fought, and you took Vengeous away, and the Torment decided it was time to retire. He's an old guy. He was around long before Mevolent even arrived on the scene. But he told me, while he'd been watching Vengeous, he'd seen where he'd stashed the Grotesquery."

  "Where?"

  "Well, he didn't tell me that. Said something about me being unable to keep a secret, or something."

  "Where is he?"

  Scapegrace looked up, eyes wide. "You swear you'll keep her away from my brains?"

  "You have my word."

  "Roarhaven," Scapegrace said after a hesitation. Valkyrie had heard of Roarhaven. It was a town of sorcerers, a dark little town that didn't take kindly to strangers. "He's in Roarhaven."

  Scapegrace sat in the back of the Bentley, wrists and ankles shackled and a gag over his mouth. He

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  had got into the car with the shackles, but the gag was a recent addition. Skulduggery had grown tired of the conversation.

  They drove east out of the city, left the streets for the suburbs, then left the suburbs for the countryside. After half an hour of driving along the narrow winding roads, pulling over occasionally to let massive tractors rumble by, they came to a small town beside a dark lake that shimmered in the early afternoon sun.

  The Bentley came to a stop in the shade of a large tree that stood on the outskirts of the town, and Valkyrie and Skulduggery got out. It was warm and strangely quiet.

  "No birds are singing," Valkyrie said.

  "Roarhaven's not the kind of town to inspire song," Skulduggery responded. "Unless it's the dirge variety."

  She could see people on the street, but they passed one another without a word.

  Skulduggery pulled Scapegrace out after them and removed the gag.

  "Where do we find the Torment?"

  "Give me a moment, okay?" Scapegrace said, looking over at the town. "I haven't been back here

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  in years. I'm home again, you know? This is a big personal thing for me."

  Skulduggery sighed. "Either you start being useful, or we stuff you in the trunk and go looking ourselves."

  "There's no need to threaten me," Scapegrace said, annoyed. "You're in a hurry, I get it. That's no excuse for being rude to me in my own hometown."

  "Are you going to be useful?"

  Scapegrace glowered. "Yes."

  "Good."

  "But can you at least take my shackles off?"

  "No."

  "Even around my ankles? This is my first time home in twenty years-- I don't want everyone to think I'm some kind of criminal."

  "You are some kind of criminal," Valkyrie said.

  "Yeah, but..."

  "The shackles stay on," Skulduggery said.

  Scapegrace muttered, but did as he was told. His shackles clinking as he walked, taking baby steps so he wouldn't trip over himself, he led them into town, staying away from the main street and sticking to the narrow trails between buildings.

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  "Where does he live?" asked Skulduggery.

  "Right over there."

  Scapegrace nodded to the building in front of them.

  Valkyrie frowned. "In a pub? The Torment lives in a pub?"

  "Not just any pub," Scapegrace snapped. "My pub. Well, it was my pub, before I lost it. I took it as a sign, you know? A sign to move on, to see what else the world had to offer. Sometimes I regret it, leaving all this behind, going where I didn't have family, didn't have friends. There have been times when I've been so, so lonely. ..."

  "It must have been awful for you," Valkyrie said. "Of course, maybe if you didn't go around trying to kill people ..."

  "I am an artist," Scapegrace said proudly. "When I kill, I make messy art."

  They ignored him and came to the side door. Skulduggery hunkered down to pick the lock.

  "Tanith could open that just by touching it," Valkyrie chided.

  Skulduggery turned his head to her, slowly, and a moment later the lock clicked and opened. He returned the lock pick to his pocket. "I like the old-

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  fashioned way better."

  "Only because you don't have a choice."

  "I'm an Elemental," he reminded her. "Tanith is an Adept. I'd like to see her throw a fireball."

  Scapegrace coughed nervously. "She's not going to be here, is she? That Tanith woman?"

  "Don't worry," Valkyrie said, "your brain is safe. For now."

  Skulduggery opened the door and peeked inside, then gripped Scapegrace by the elbow and pulled him in. The pub corridor was dark and smelled of stale beer and wet towels. There were a few voices coming from the front.

  "Where does he stay?" Skulduggery asked quietly.

  "Underground," Scapegrace said. "I converted the cellar into a living space, then he made his own additions."

  They moved to the rear of the building.

  "Back then," Scapegrace continued, "I was full of ideas. I was going to renovate the whole front of the pub, and extend out to the west, maybe get in a music system, a little dance floor. In the end, I decided not
to. Too expensive, you know. And, like, there was the fact that nobody

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  wanted to dance, so . . ."

  Valkyrie kept an eye out behind them, to make sure no one was sneaking up.

  "But those were good times," Scapegrace said, his voice tinged with regret. "All the old crowd used to come and meet in my pub-- Lightning Dave, Hokum Pete, Hieronymus Deadfall. We used to drink and talk and laugh. Back in the day."

  Skulduggery tilted his head. "Vaurien, if you're trying to kill us, there are quicker ways than telling us your life story."

  "Less painful, too," added Valkyrie.

  "I just thought you'd like to know," Scapegrace said, indignantly. "I thought it might help if I told you the history of the place and my relationship to it."

  "Any particular reason why you think this knowledge would be helpful?" Skulduggery asked.

  "If you'll let me finish, I'll tell you."

  "Okay then. Finish."

  "The reason they frequented my pub in particular was because, in a town that's full of sorcerers, there weren't a whole lot of places you could get together and feel special, you know? But I took care of that. So while, out in front, the pub catered

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  to the rest of Roarhaven's mages, there was also a private section just for me and my friends, to sit and talk and plan."

  "Is that so?" Skulduggery asked as Valkyrie opened the door.

  "Yep," Scapegrace said with a nod. "A private section right here in the back."

  They walked in. Two men, sitting at the bar. Two more playing pool on a ratty old pool table. A surly bartender and, standing in the corner, a giant, his balding head touching the ceiling. They all stopped and shut up and looked over.

  Valkyrie and Skulduggery froze.

  Scapegrace grinned. "Hi, fellas."

  Chapter Twelve

  BAR FIGHT

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  A FLY BUZZED loudly. It tapped a grimy window that looked out onto a dead tree.

  The bartender came out from behind the bar, and the two men got off their stools.

  "Scapegrace," said the bartender, chewing the name as he said it. "You've got some nerve showing your ugly face in my pub."

  "Your pub?" Scapegrace said with a scornful laugh. "You won this place off me in a poker game, and you cheated."

  "So did you," the bartender said. "I just cheated

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  better. Why're you back?"

  "Couldn't stay away, could I? This town holds so many fond memories for me. Actually, Hieronymus, I was hoping your sister might be around-- is she here?"

  Hieronymus Deadfall looked like he might explode. "Don't even mention her, you hear me?"

  Scapegrace shrugged. "What you gonna do about it?"

  "I think there's been a misunderstanding," Skulduggery tried, but he was ignored.

  Deadfall stepped forward, fists bunched at his sides. "How about I finish what we started twenty years ago, how about that?"

  Scapegrace scoffed. "You want to kill me, is that it?"

  "Oh, it's not just me, pally. Anyone else in here want to kill this piece of scum, step forward."

  Everyone took one step forward.

  "So that's how it is, is it?" Scapegrace said, acting upset. "After all that talk of friendship, after all those years, all that we've been through . . . you all want to kill me?"

  "Kill you," said one of the pool players, "horribly."

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  "I'd love to help you out, fellas," Scapegrace said, holding up his hands and showing them his shackles, "but as you can see, I'm a little tied up at the moment. Still, I suppose if you manage to kill these two fine people who walked in with me, you might get your wish."

  Deadfall narrowed his eyes. "Kill a little girl? Yeah, I think we could just about manage that momentous task. And what about you, skinny man? Who the hell are you?"

  "We're really not looking for trouble," Skulduggery said.

  "Then it'll come as a nice surprise," said the man to Deadfall's left. Electricity crackled in his open hand. Lightning Dave, no doubt.

  "We're here on Sanctuary business," Skulduggery tried.

  The man on Deadfall's right bristled, and Deadfall grinned. "Hear that, Pete? They're with the Sanctuary."

  Hokum Pete snarled. "I hate the Sanctuary."

  "Oh," Skulduggery said.

  "We all hate the Sanctuary."

  "Ah. Then we're not here on Sanctuary business. I was just joking."

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  "Then you're going to die laughing," Deadfall sneered, "unless you tell us who you are right this second."

  Skulduggery observed him for a moment, then removed his disguise and laid it on the pool table.

  Eyes widened. Mouths opened. Backward steps were taken.

  "The Skeleton Detective," said one of the pool players.

  "I'm not going up against the skeleton," said his friend. "No way."

  "What's wrong with you?" Deadfall barked. "This is my pub, you understand me? This is my turf. I'm the only one you should be worrying about in here. It's a dead man-- what's the big deal? We can take him. There's six of us, there's one of him. Oh, and a little girl. That too much for you, tough guys?"

  The pool players glanced at each other nervously, then shook their heads.

  "Well, there you go," Deadfall said. "We're agreed. We kill these two, then we kill our dear old friend Scapegrace."

  "This is gonna be fun," Scapegrace said, shuffling over to a booth and sitting down. "So how

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  are you going to do it?"

  "It's been a while since Brobding got himself some exercise," Deadfall said, and the giant stepped forward.

  Valkyrie glanced at Skulduggery. "You can have that one," she whispered.

  "I'm gonna kill you," Brobding the giant said in a rumbling bass line of a voice. "Want you to know it's nothing personal."

  "That's good to hear," Skulduggery told him. "In which case, I'm going to knock you down and hit you with the pool table, and I want you to know it's nothing personal either."

  Brobding laughed. They all laughed.

  Skulduggery stepped forward and splayed both his hands, and Brobding the giant hurtled off his feet and slammed into the far wall.

  Valkyrie snatched a pool cue off the table and broke it off the first pool player's face. He went tumbling into the corner, and the second player ran at her.

  Hokum Pete ran forward and threw a punch that Skulduggery didn't even bother to block. He moved in past it and shoved, and Hokum collided with Deadfall.

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  Lightning Dave's whole body crackled with electricity, standing his hair on end and filling the room with the smell of ozone. He charged, and Skulduggery kicked a bar stool. It hit Lightning Dave's legs, and he cursed and fell.

  The second pool player was trying to get his hands around Valkyrie's throat. She kicked his shin and poked his eye, and he cried out. He swung wildly and her block couldn't stop it, and his fist hit the side of her head.

  Skulduggery kicked Lightning Dave while he was trying to get up, and then Deadfall was on him. Skulduggery grabbed him and twisted, and Deadfall shrieked in a surprisingly high voice as he was hip-thrown to the dirty, sticky floor.

  The pool player picked Valkyrie up and slammed her onto the table. The breath rushed out of her. He raised her up again and once more slammed her down. She grabbed the eight ball, and when he raised her up a third time, she smacked the ball against his ear. He bellowed in pain and dropped her.

  Skulduggery slammed his fists into Hokum Pete, then twisted his arm and sent him face-first into the wall. Hokum Pete slumped to the ground.

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  Deadfall roared as Skulduggery turned to him. The bar owner strained, the muscles in his neck knotting and his face turning red, and his fists grew and distorted and turned into sledgehammers. Spittle flew as he laughed in triumph.

  Across the room, Valkyrie faced off against the pool player. He was rubbing his ear and he moved with a
limp. He was squinting at her with one eye.

  "I'm gonna murder you," he threatened unimpressively. She still had the eight ball in her hand, so she threw it. It struck the pool player right between the eyes and bounced away. The pool player stood there, a look of puzzlement on his face; then he fell to the floor and went to sleep.

  Valkyrie watched Deadfall slam one of those sledgehammer fists into Skulduggery's side, and Skulduggery stumbled back to the wall. Deadfall swung for his head but Skulduggery ducked, and the fist hit the wooden paneling and went through. Deadfall tried pulling it out, but his fist wouldn't budge.

  Skulduggery hit him. Hit him again.

  Deadfall twisted and turned and swung his other fist. It hit the paneling and stayed stuck.

  "Aw no," Deadfall whimpered.

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  Skulduggery took careful aim, and punched. Deadfall's head rocked back, and his body slumped against the wall. He would have fallen in a heap were his sledgehammer fists not keeping him upright.

  "Skulduggery," Valkyrie said.

  Brobding the giant was getting to his feet, and he looked angry.

  "Once again," Skulduggery told him, "nothing personal."

  Brobding growled, and Skulduggery ran at him and jumped, his body spinning and his right foot snaking out. His kick caught Brobding right on the hinge of the jaw. Skulduggery landed, and Brobding whirled and fell to one knee.

  Valkyrie stared at Skulduggery.

  "What?" he asked.

  "You kicked him," she said. "But you don't do those kinds of kicks. Tanith does those kinds of kicks."

  "You're impressed, aren't you?" He put both hands flat against the side of the pool table and shrugged. "I'm probably your hero."

  "Oh shut up."

  Brobding the giant looked around. Then the air

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  rippled and the pool table shot across the room and crashed into him. The pool table tipped over on impact, the balls flying through the air, and Brobding was sent sprawling. He didn't get up.