New Moan

by Stephfordy Mayo

  I leaned against the castle wall and pounded my fist against it. ‘Why? Why? WHY ??’

  ‘Heffa, don’t – you’ll hurt yourself!’

  Well, didn’t that just take the cake, now I was hearing Teddy’s voice. I really had gone insane with grief. I bet Miss Shirley would call that character development, so there!

  A hand clasped mine. Now I was feeling things, too? I turned and saw Teddy. ‘Visual hallucinations as well?’ I said out loud.

  ‘No, Heffa, you’re not seeing things. I’m right here.’

  ‘You came back for me! Oh, my love, my love, never leave me again, I’ll die without you, you hear me? And then you’ll have to come to my funeral and everyone will know it was your fault and you’ll have to live with the pain and grief for always.’

  Teddy appeared puzzled. Couldn’t he see what his leaving had done to me? I was a wreck of a girl, even paler than before; I hadn’t even brushed my hair or done my make-up, that was how world-ending this was.

  ‘Came back? It’s still the same day, Heffa! You fainted before I could explain properly. I’m not leaving for good – how could you think that? It’s just that I’m finding it really hard to be around you right now, you smell even more … alluring than normal.’

  I wondered if it was because I was on the rag. It seemed strange that I was dating a vampire who lusted after blood, but neither of us had ever mentioned or worried about the impact that time of the month would have on him. It was kind of icky, so probably best not discussed. Anyway, the point was getting to the bottom of this whole affair. He’d said he was leaving, pitching me into a slough of despond that had lasted for decades, or a whole afternoon, and now it was all some kind of misunderstanding? What kind of game did he think he was playing?

  ‘So, I’m going to do an exchange trip with a Romanian family for a couple of weeks,’ Teddy went on earnestly. ‘Apparently, there are primordial forests there where beasts still roam, and Jack says he saw on this website that they have these hostels where you can kill people, too. It’s just what I need, a really relaxing break, unwind a bit, and then I shall return refreshed and back in control and we can be together forever again.’

  I wanted to swoon into his arms, but held back. He’d put me through hell, after all; I wasn’t going to forgive him just like that. ‘I thought you were going for good,’ I whimpered, my stoic, dignified mask finally breaking.

  ‘But Heffa, why would I do that? We’re soulmates, I’ve told you that. How could you think I would leave you just for the sake of some cheap narrative tension, or to increase the page count?’ He stroked my cheek.

  ‘Now, cheer up, my darling. I’ll be back before you know it, especially if you make a couple of weeks pass in a few pages. Oh, and promise me that you’ll at least try not to kill yourself while I’m gone. I do see that it’s difficult to live without my shining perfection, but if we both sacrifice this time together, our relationship will be even stronger, or something, trust me on that!’

  He wiped the tears from my eyes, licked them rapturously from his fingers, and gently led me back to the car. Perhaps he was right; my natural inclination was to go all the way with him, but I remembered Trey McBlande saying that there was virtue in waiting. Maybe it was worth giving it a go.

  I drove away from Castle Kelledy, away from my own Knight in Shining Armor, away from my fairy-tale, legendary love affair, and slid once more into the wallowing morass of gloom. I’d been dumped, and I didn’t care if it was only temporary. My fragile soul would never ever recover, never ever … at least until Teddy returned and kissed, or bit, it better.

  chapter 12

  * * *

  doing it werewolf style

  The next few days were a relentless torrent of unending agony that would definitely have been fatal to anyone who didn’t possess my amazing ability to bear torment without complaint. I was reasonably certain no one had ever suffered even half as much as I was suffering. Who else could possibly have plumbed the depths of pain such as I was now enduring?

  After all, my soulmate had left me for two whole weeks. I had wanted him to grant me eternal life, and instead he gave me eternal misery. I couldn’t think straight; I felt like a zombie had bitten the top of my head off and drunk my brains like a slushie. I was doing my best to go through the motions of day-to-day life as if nothing was wrong – I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, much – and the needless self-sacrifice gave my pain an added hint of piquancy.

  My only consolation was that Teddy’s devotion to my well-being lived on, despite him being gone, never to return (until next Sunday). As I blundered listlessly through my daily routine, I was constantly reminded of our former love. The hundreds of tender notes he had thoughtfully left for me were now a bittersweet pleasure. The hole in my head ached every time I saw one of them, and yet I could not look away, for they were all that remained of him.

  I sat at my dresser one morning, so distraught I was no longer sure what day it was, whichever one comes after Tuesday, who knows? The mirror had two of Teddy’s loving notes stuck to it. The first read, ‘Careful, glass can be sharp, so don’t accidentally smash the mirror and cut an artery on a shard! xxx’ and the second reminded me, ‘Check you still have a reflection; if not, you may be a vampire! xxx.’

  I wiped a tear from my eye. How could someone capable of such sensitivity leave me so cruelly? Teddy had warned me of his demonic nature many times, but I never thought he would be able to kill me from halfway around the world. I threw my mascara down and gave up trying to make myself look presentable to the world. There was no way I could ever hide my torment.

  That said, not one of my so-called friends had asked me if I was okay. Maybe I was doing way too good a job of bottling up my misery? I grabbed my lipstick and painted my lips, extending the color downwards on either side of my mouth to create a ‘sad face’ effect. Surely that would provoke a wave of girlish sympathy.

  At school, English passed achingly slowly. I sat at my desk surrounded by tissues, head propped in my hands, ready to break down in tears dramatically the moment anyone asked me if I was doing okay. No one did. I guess my heartbreak at losing Teddy was so unique that it wasn’t even recognizable to ordinary people. They had never felt this kind of pain, with their ordinary relationships and their ordinary looks, so how could they possibly comprehend what I was going through? That was the only rational explanation for their lack of interest.

  The bell rang. I couldn’t face Gym. There was no need to keep in shape any more. I packed away my textbooks and my ‘ask me how I feel about being forsaken by Teddy’ sign, and then ran through the corridors of the Academy, screaming aloud as the gore-stained edges of the hole in my head throbbed agonizingly. Oh Teddy, my unholy love, why have you abandoned me?

  Eventually, I slumped against a corridor wall and curled into a ball on the floor. I wept sorrowfully, even though there was still no one around to notice my pain. I kept it up for a few minutes in case anyone came past, but then stood and attempted to straighten myself out.

  At the end of the corridor was a door labeled ‘Boiler Room’. Now that I was no longer sobbing ostentatiously, I could hear voices and raucous laughter coming from behind it. It sounded like Joe Cahontas and his dumb stoner friends. Just what I needed! My bloodsucker might have gone away, but a bog-standard sucker suited me fine at this precise moment.

  The school basement was warm and filled with the gentle thrum of the machinery that took up most of the space. I could hear a voice on the other side of the boiler, and I approached gingerly. In the center of the room, Joe Cahontas and his trio of slacker friends lolled on ratty old couches. The one who was speaking shouted out, ‘A dalmatian with sunburn!’ and the four of them creased up with laughter.

  Maybe it was their good mood, or just something in the atmosphere, but suddenly I was laughing too. The others noticed me, turning their heads slowly towards where I stood, but they kept on giggling and pointing at me. Apparently, my presence was amusing to them.
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br />   Their renewed laughter made me laugh all the harder. I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed, and I felt the tension leaving my body. My sides were starting to hurt, so I staggered over to the couch where Joe sat and fell onto it. He moved to let me sit down, smiling at me and wiping a tear from his eye.

  Eventually, we got ourselves under control and Joe announced, ‘Oh, Fidaux, man, that was a good one, but cool it for now. I don’t think this chick could stand no more.’

  The boy he’d called Fidaux shrugged and slumped back into his seat. He grabbed a magazine from the top of a nearby pile and flicked languidly through it.

  ‘Hey, is that this month’s Wolf Whistle? Let me get a look at that, man,’ another of the boys said, getting up to lean on the back of Fidaux’s chair. They started to point enthusiastically at the magazine, nudging one another, with comments like ‘Look at the long glossy coat on that’ and ‘Check out Readers’ Were-Wives’.

  Joe watched them with an amused expression, then turned to me. ‘So, great to see you, Heffa, where’ve you been hiding?’

  ‘Oh well, you know, I was spending a lot of time with Teddy and then he …’ I stopped. I could feel tears forming in my eyes; it was just too painful to talk about. Joe put his arm around me and patted me on the shoulder.

  ‘I understand, you don’t have to say it. That lousy undead punk did the dirty on you. That’s vampires for you, they just don’t know how to stay faithful. Well, good riddance. You’re better off without that leech, Heffa, trust your old pal Joe.’

  I nodded. Maybe Joe was right. Teddy had deserted me and broken my heart; what sort of a soulmate would have made me this miserable?

  ‘And anyway, vampires? Please, they think they’re so scary, but what have they got, honestly? They’re just ordinary-looking humans with bad dentists. Put one of them next to a ten-foot-tall, slavering man-wolf, and I know which I’d bet on to make a quivering victim change into their brown pants, if you know what I mean. Vampires have this killer rep, but it’s total bull. We werewolves are a thousand times scarier. And one day we’ll prove it!’

  The rest of Joe’s gang went very quiet then, and looked at him gravely as if he’d just revealed some dark secret. He cleared his throat and looked into my eyes. ‘Now werewolves, on the other hand, we’re famously faithful. Once a werewolf finds a lady he likes, she may as well just accept that she’ll be finding dog hair on her clothes for the rest of her life. Even if she’s been hideously scarred, or she’s a newborn baby. Ain’t that right, boys?’

  The others nodded wholehearted agreement, smirking and winking at Joe as they did so, probably at some shared piece of secret werewolf lore.

  Joe’s arm felt warm and comforting around me. I’d forgotten what the touch of a real live man felt like. I moved closer to him. ‘Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys, Joe. I’ve been feeling so sad and lonely for the last few days, I think I really need you right now.’

  Fidaux threw down his magazine and shook his finger at Joe. ‘Hold on, man, having a visitor is one thing, but you ain’t gonna let this chick hang out with us full time, are ya? What about the band?’

  Laddie agreed. ‘Look at her, she ain’t exactly Mayor of Coolsville, is she?’

  Joe withdrew his arm and stood up. He looked me up and down, and then shrugged apologetically. ‘Maybe the guys are right, Heff. For one thing, we’re werewolves, and if that wasn’t bad enough, we’re dangerous rock musicians too. We live way out on the edge, and you’re just too much of a goody two-shoes to fit into our scene.’

  I’d only just rebounded into Joe’s life, and now he was trying to dump me because I wasn’t cool enough for him? Well, if these hairy goofballs thought they could get rid of me that easily, they didn’t know Heffa Lump. I stood up and stamped my foot with all the determination I could muster.

  ‘You guys are really mean. I’m totally cool, and I can live as dangerously as any of you. I was going out with a psychotic vampire for heck’s sake, surely that counts for something?’

  They were shaking their heads now, and Fidaux turned away dismissively. Joe was still looking at me. I could tell from his face that he wanted to get me in the club.

  ‘If you live so dangerous, what’s stuck to your shoe?’ Laddie asked.

  I looked down and saw another of Teddy’s Post-it notes. ‘Don’t forget to keep your laces tied, or you may trip and fall! xxx.’ Ugh, not helping, actually, Teddy.

  I marched over to Laddie and stuck a finger in his face. ‘Fine, you want me to prove I’m dangerous, I’ll show you dangerous. Meet me in the car lot after school – we’re gonna turn Spatula upside down with mayhem.’

  The four of them were silent. Joe was grinning at me proudly; the others wore shocked expressions. I heard the bell ring for afternoon classes and I fled for the stairs, shouting back over my shoulder: ‘Don’t want to be late for class. See you this evening, and be prepared, anything could happen!’

  I hardly paid attention to my lessons. Instead, I scribbled in my notebook, plotting a wave of anarchy that would rock this sleepy town to its foundations. I rushed to the parking lot after class, where Joe Cahontas and his hairy friends were waiting for me by their band van, with skeptical looks on their faces.

  ‘Get in, boys, and get ready for a one-way trip to chaos,’ I challenged them. I’d been stung by the suggestion that I was a bit of a square. It’s true I’d always minded my parents and paid attention in class, but I couldn’t believe that having a boyfriend, and a vampire one at that, counted for so little. I was going to have to take some genuinely irresponsible risks if I was going to be accepted by this werewolf clan.

  ‘Where to, Heffa?’ Joe asked from behind the wheel.

  ‘Just drive, fuzz face, and stop when I tell you.’

  Joe nodded and set off. We cruised around Spatula, Joe with his eyes on the road, me looking out the window for something appropriately dangerous. After ten minutes or so of aimless meandering around the suburbs of Spatula, I finally spotted a house that seemed to hold promise. It was ordinary-looking enough, apart from the half dozen or so rusting motorbikes that sat abandoned on the driveway.

  ‘Pull over, Joe. I hope you’re watching, you guys. Something seriously radical is about to go down.’

  I hopped out of the truck and walked up the drive to the front door. The motorbikes seemed like they’d been badly neglected, but I was sure they could be fixed up by someone with the right mechanical brain. I stepped up onto the porch and paused for a moment. All right, Heffa Lump, let’s do this. Those boys want to see irresponsible, let’s give them total craziness.

  I rang the doorbell. Then I was running back down the driveway as fast as I could. I dived into the van’s cab and shouted, ‘Drive, Joe, put your foot down, go go go!’ The tires screeched on the tarmac, and we were off, exhaust fumes billowing out behind the rapidly accelerating van. I glanced back to see a peeved-looking man stood on the porch, shaking his fist in our direction.

  The guys in the back of the van were hooting with laughter, and Fidaux clapped me on the back. ‘Oh Heffa, man, that was amazing. Did you see the look on that guy’s face? He thought you were, like, the postman, or something, but then when he answered the door, you weren’t even there!’

  Laddie chipped in: ‘Totally unbelievable, his dinner was probably going all cold and stuff while he walked to the door!’

  Joe was quiet, his eyes still fixed on the road. Was he angry? Maybe I’d gone too far? I sat nervously in my seat, my mind starting to race. What if that man called the police? God, Teddy was right, I couldn’t be trusted to look after myself. I’d taken leave of my senses.

  Joe pulled over and turned to me then, his face bearing a stern expression. ‘Heffa. That was … awesome!’ He reached over and took me in his arms, crushing the breath out of me in a powerful bear hug. Or do I mean were hug?

  He addressed the others. ‘See, guys, I told you that hanging out with the stupid vampires hadn’t made her a total loser.’ They agreed
eagerly. We all exchanged high fives. I’d been accepted into their gang, and I grinned from ear to ear.

  I could feel the hole in my head getting smaller with every second that I spent with Joe and his friends. This was going to be great – who needed Teddy and his creepy vampire family anyway? Thanks to their selfishness and cruelty, I still had my Eternal Cool; maybe it was time to start using it. After all, I was hanging out with The Protection Racket now. I was in their group. I was a total groupie. What did a groupie do, exactly?

  Joe interrupted my deep reverie. ‘Hey guys, I’m going to drop Heffa off at home. I’ll catch up with you later, okay?’

  The others all piled out of the van, leaving us alone. ‘Aw, thanks, Joe,’ I breathed softly. ‘That’s really sweet of you.’

  ‘Makes a change from your precious, selfish vampires, huh?’ he responded.

  I put my hand on Joe’s arm and tenderly ran my fingers through his fur. ‘Joe, forget about Teddy, will you? I’m here with you, aren’t I?’ He smiled. ‘Although we’re just friends, Teddy is still my soulmate, you got that?’

  He nodded disappointedly, and started the van. I didn’t mean to give Joe mixed signals; he was a good friend, and his warm embrace touched me in ways that felt different to what I’d had with Teddy. I’d never want to hurt him, so I’d just have to – what was the phrase? – ‘string him along’ until the hole in my head healed and I could think clearly about which of them deserved me the most.

  When Joe pulled up outside my house, we sat quietly, enjoying the simple platonic sexual tension between us. Joe eventually broke the silence. ‘Hey, Heffa, do you like killing things?’

  ‘Well, I’m not sure. I’ve killed houseplants, and maybe the odd pet or two, but—’

  He laughed. ‘Naw, not like that, you dummy. I mean like aliens and stuff, in video games!’

  ‘Video games? I’ve never heard of those.’ Must be another modern technology that Stephfordy Mayo felt it convenient to deny the existence of.