New Moan

by Stephfordy Mayo

  Oh, yes, this was a bit more like it. These are the moments you live for. I looked around at the faces of the various hideous supernatural creatures that cowered before me. The zombies wouldn’t meet my gaze; I think they knew that their previous insistence on eating my brains had not gone down well. The mummies were inscrutable, what with the bandages, but one of them seemed to be attempting an ingratiating smile. The Missing Link was staring intently at me, his webbed hands pressed together in silent prayer, his lips mouthing, ‘Please, please, please!’ Joe Cahontas had returned to his human form, and was as hairily handsome as always. He gave me a broad grin, and then waved me away. He already knew what my decision would be.

  I turned to where Teddy Kelledy was standing. Teddy, my love, now and forever. All that he possessed was mine, and all that I had belonged to him, always.

  ‘Teddy. I choose Teddy,’ I said quietly. Teddy grasped my hands, and we stared into each other’s eyes.

  The Codex Master nodded, and began to speak. ‘The New Moan has spoken. The Reshuffle is decided. From this moment forth, the Kelledy Family will be the ultimate power in the super—’

  He was interrupted by the blond vampire, who had grabbed Teddy heartily by the shoulders. ‘So anyway, Melvin, what I was saying before, about the Kelledys not being proper vampires? That was just because, well, they’re our leaders, aren’t they? Yeah, that’s it, didn’t want to endanger the leaders. We’re all one big happy family, so if she chooses him, she chooses the lot of us. Okay by you, Melvin, or shall I tell your mum about that other, “special” deck of cards you’ve got in your chest?’

  The Codex Master glanced guiltily at the ornate stone box and then quickly agreed.

  ‘So mote it be. The vampires are supreme once more. All hail. There is one condition, however. For the choice to be valid, the human must become a vampire. Not necessarily in this book, but soon, for goodness’ sake, before we all go batty hearing about it.’ He looked at his watch. ‘I’ve got to go, my mom doesn’t like me to stay out so late!’ With that, he grabbed the chest and raced back inside the arcade.

  His departure seemed to mark the close of events. Creatures began to drift away, wandering off through the fairground, chatting to one another, enjoying the last few moments of peace before their eternal battle for supremacy began once more.

  I looked around for Joe Cahontas, but he had already disappeared. I wanted to tell him that I would have chosen him, if not for Teddy. Second choice is still pretty good; I didn’t want him to be downhearted.

  Joseph Kelledy, on the other hand, was very visible. He had dashed over to the spot where Wanda had been squished by the rampant werewolf. I’m not a first aider, but it looked like he was giving her the kiss of life.

  Teddy and I walked hand in hand towards the main entrance, saying goodnight to the creatures we passed along the way. The blond vampire was waiting at the gate.

  ‘You’re still a wanker, Kelledy, but you’re our wanker.’ He exhaled a cloud of cigarette smoke in Teddy’s face, and turned to leave.

  ‘Oh, thanks, keep in touch!’ Teddy called after him, with genuine enthusiasm.

  We walked to his car in silence after that, enjoying the calm, anticipating the pleasure of being alone together, safe at last.

  The cowboys were untying their horses from the hitching post near where Teddy was parked. One of them called over to me.

  ‘You were right to choose your feller, I guess, miss. But what you done means we’ll be up to our ears in clichéd vampire stories now. Hope you like books with black covers. Y’all are gonna be seein’ a whole lot of ’em.’

  chapter 18

  * * *

  afterglow

  ‘And that’s how I defeated the forces of darkness and saved all of your puny, worthless lives,’ I concluded triumphantly. I waited for the class to burst into cheers of appreciation.

  The room was silent. The rest of the students had gone quite slack-jawed in awe. I’d known my storytelling was powerful; obviously, I hadn’t realized quite how much. They’d been so rapt by the narrative that they clearly hadn’t noticed it was over!

  ‘You may applaud now,’ I graciously informed them, but they remained sitting in stunned quiet. Perhaps that was to be expected. It was a lot to take in at once, and, as had been amply proven, my fellow students weren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. I bowed anyway, and returned to my seat.

  ‘Well, um, thank you, Heffa, for that most dramatic interpretation of the assignment,’ Miss Shirley said at last. ‘Could we have a quick word after class? Now, who’s next – Wanda? Oh no, she’s still in hospital, isn’t she? Tudor, then.’

  I sat and listened to one pathetic attempt at ‘what I learned this semester’ after another. Not one of my classmates had had an experience comparable to mine, and most of them had clearly failed to achieve any kind of growth at all. But they all received enthusiastic acclaim; I couldn’t understand it. How rude teenagers were.

  After the class, I stayed mute and dignified while Miss Shirley felt my forehead and shone a light in my eyes. Eventually, she shook her head and put her thermometer away. ‘Heffa, when I said you needed to work on your imagination, I wasn’t expecting you to become delusional,’ she commented. ‘Do you feel all right?’

  ‘Miss Shirley, it’s all true,’ I insisted. ‘Teddy was there … and his father … If Chip and Wanda and Kristina were here and not comatose, they could tell you all about it. I swear to you, it really happened!’

  ‘Yes, dear, of course,’ she agreed, but I could tell she didn’t really believe me.

  Once again, I was fated to be apart, not just because of my innate superiority, beautiful complexion and babelicious boyfriend, but because I had been places no mortal should ever go, and seen things no mortal should ever see, and totally beaten them. I smiled at Miss Shirley. She couldn’t help being a provincial spinster with a complete lack of insight and really rough skin; I was adult enough to forgive her for her lack of faith in me. I left her behind me, and moved on.

  The semester was nearly over; all that was left was the prize-giving ceremony and dance. I thought I’d probably receive some kind of prize in recognition of my bravery, even though I knew it was a dumb popularity contest and genius is never recognized in its own lifetime. It was just as well I would one day become a vampire; that way the world would have lots of lifetimes in which to recognize me. The Academy was buzzing with rumors of who had asked whom to the dance, and who would be awarded which prize, but I floated above it all.

  A week before the ceremony, I was sitting with Piper in the cafeteria, feigning interest in listening to her go on and on and on about Rudy maybe asking her out. I should have been sitting with Bobbi and Teddy and discussing far more erudite matters, but the Sun Machine was shining overhead as part of a Beach Reads exam, and so the Kelledys had taken the day off to go hunting; Joseph was keen to add to his trophy collection. Most of Piper’s regular sycophants had been at The Reshuffle and were therefore either off school with broken limbs or resting in peace (and pieces), so she had turned to me in desperation.

  ‘So, Heffa, are you and Teddy going to the dance?’ she asked eventually, perhaps able to tell that she’d lost my attention from the way I’d started listening to my iPod.

  ‘Mmm? Well, he’s asked, but I said I’d think about it. No harm in playing hard to get, after all, and I’m not sure I even want to go.’

  I smiled as Piper fell over herself trying to persuade me. She couldn’t have been any more transparent. Obviously, everyone was planning a surprise for me. And of course Teddy and I were going to the dance. What was the point of being the Academy’s premier couple if you couldn’t flaunt it from time to time?

  The last few days before vacation dragged terribly. The students who had survived The Reshuffle returned to school, eliciting sympathy with their crutches and wheelchairs. Everywhere I turned they seemed to be taking up space, edging down corridors and hesitating at steps. It was so inconsiderate; they’d tak
e ages to move out of the way, simply forcing you to push past them or climb over them. Sometimes they stumbled or got shoved against walls, but that was good physical therapy; I had no idea why they kept complaining about it.

  Finally, the day of the dance dawned. I rose at 5 a.m. to commence my preparations. After showering, depilating, moisturizing, and sprinkling myself with attar of roses, I called Teddy to check he’d be ready on time. ‘You’re coming to pick me up at six, right?’

  ‘I am? Yes, of course I am, that had not slipped my mind at all.’ There was a pause. ‘Where are we going?’

  I laughed indulgently and put the phone down. How darling of him to pretend that he wasn’t planning to whisk me off to the dance. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d organized a limo and everything!

  I spent the next few hours carefully doing my hair and make-up, and making sure the ruffles on my Pink Princess dress hung just right. Come six o’clock, I was poised elegantly on the sofa, waiting for my cold-blooded hunk of loveliness. Chump insisted on taking photo after photo.

  ‘Oh, Heffa,’ he said. ‘You look so grown-up, and just as pretty as your mother. I remember when I first saw you; I knew my life was complete at that moment. I’m so pr—’

  ‘Dad, could you quit hogging the limelight for five minutes? This is my special night. And stop taking photos, the flash is making my eyes water.’ I heard a car pull up. ‘Is that Teddy? Is it? Is it? Is he driving a limo?’

  ‘No, looks like he’s just got the car,’ Chump said, wiping away a tear in sympathy with my crushing disappointment at Teddy’s inadequate choice of vehicle.

  I went to greet my Prince Charming, pulled open the door – and then froze, flabbergasted at the vision before me. ‘Hello, my darling. You look even more regal than ever. And the very quintessence of pink. Why are you so dressed up?’ Somehow, I found my voice. ‘Teddy, you’re – you’re – you’re wearing jeans.’

  Teddy’s eyes darted downwards as if to check. Jeans, sneakers, a white T-shirt … he’d made not the slightest bit of effort. What price my dreams, my precious memories? Ground into the dirt in an instant.

  ‘I can’t believe you could treat me this way! It’s the dance, Teddy, the dance! The crowning moment of the school year! Our chance to sway close together in slow motion while our adoring fan base throw roses at us! And you forgot!’

  ‘I didn’t forget,’ the assassin of my hopes dared to protest. ‘You said you didn’t want to go. I asked you about twenty times.’

  ‘I was being coy, you idiot! You’ve been around for thirty years and you haven’t figured girls out yet? How slow can you be?’

  My voice rose to a shriek, and I could hear the strange harmonics begin to echo in my chest. Teddy winced in pain and looked worriedly upwards. Sure enough, the moon had started to shift on its axis, drawn inexorably downwards by the force of my wrath.

  ‘Don’t, Heffa, you’ll only exhaust yourself. I will take mere seconds to repair this damage—’ and with a faint clap of thunder he vanished. I waited, tapping my foot impatiently. On his reappearance ten minutes later, things had indeed changed for the better: gelled hair, cummerbund, shiny shoes, tux …

  ‘That’s acceptable,’ I allowed, sniffily. ‘But don’t think you’re getting past first base this evening, mister.’

  I stalked towards the car. The prize ceremony would have started by the time we got there; everyone would be waiting to ‘surprise’ me with my special award.

  As I’d expected, when we finally reached the school, the hall was already full of eager teens milling about in front of the stage; the room reeked of excited hormones. I sailed through the crowd and up the steps, interrupting Miss Shirley’s eulogy in honor of those students who had failed not only to graduate, but to survive the semester at all.

  ‘Shove over, Principal, I’m here. You can get these awards started now.’

  ‘Miss Lump, what on earth—’

  ‘Look, stow the fakery, all right? I saved this town and resisted the lure of darkness, evil and lust – where’s my prize?’ I glared out into the auditorium, where the supporting cast shuffled and murmured among themselves. I could feel the power of the New Moan rising; if they didn’t get their act together pretty soon, they were going to get a right earful. ‘Well?’

  ‘Here it is!’ Bobbi announced, appearing onstage beside me almost as if she’d been pushed. ‘In honor of your … most outstanding attributes and commitment to my brother, I mean your career, we do present you with this token of our regard.’

  I took the award she thrust at me. It looked suspiciously like a schlonga wrapped in tinfoil, but no doubt they hadn’t collected all the pledge money yet. It would do for now.

  ‘Aw, thanks Bobbi. Thanks, you guys. I’d like to thank myself, my gorgeous beau Teddy, and the rest of the Kelledy family, who were there for some of it without being much use. My mom and dad were no help at all, unless you count their DNA, which I need to get tested some time, to be honest. Oh, and—’

  ‘Thank you, Heffa,’ Miss Shirley said. She had the most quizzical expression on her face. Under her breath, she muttered, ‘You are truly the most self-obsessed student this Academy has ever had – and that’s saying something.’ I beamed at her. I’d always known I was unique, but it was nice to hear it said out loud.

  As I let Bobbi lead me from the stage, Miss Shirley said, ‘And now for our first, sorry, second award of the evening. The Clark Kent Prize for Most Minimal Disguise goes to … Wanda Mensional! Or should I say, Winona Arizona!’

  Wanda pushed past me on her way to collect the award. She seemed different from how I remembered her, lying half-dead on the ground with Joseph Kelledy bent over her. I was sure she hadn’t worn so much eyeliner or silver jewelry, for a start. And were those fingerless lace gloves? Oh well, everyone goes through phases. I looked around for Teddy, only vaguely listening as she began her thanks: ‘Cower before me, mortals …’

  ‘Congrats, Heffa,’ Bobbi said. ‘They made up a prize just for you, that’s great. Now if you’ll excuse me, Jack and I are going to, um, mingle. See you later!’

  ‘Heffa,’ a voice interrupted. Chip. Oh Lord, why couldn’t he have stayed in hospital just a little bit longer? I so wasn’t in the mood for this right now. ‘I’ve been thinking a lot recently, and I’ve realized something. I wanted to tell you first.’

  ‘I know you’ve got the hots for me, Chip. Don’t get me wrong, it’s kind of gross just thinking about you looking at me, but I suppose it’s a free country …’

  ‘No, you’re wrong. That’s what I have to tell you. Trey McBlande came to visit me loads in hospital, and our conversations really made me think about my place in life. I know what I want to do now. I want to sing. I want to have snarky, bitchy dialog. I want to advise people on their clothes. Heffa, I’m not a leading man – I’m the Gay Best Friend!’

  I patted him gently on the shoulder. ‘If you want to be a stereotype that bears no relation to reality, that’s just fine. I wish you all the best. Not all of us plumb the depths of character I’ve reached, I know. Now why don’t you run along and see if Piper wants to talk about boys?’

  He nodded gratefully and wandered off. That was that dealt with. Now, where was Teddy?

  ‘Heffa?’ It was Joe Cahontas. Jeez Louise, where was a girl’s gentleman vampire when she needed him? Joe and I had not spoken since The Reshuffle; he’d been going out of his way to avoid me. From the tension in his shoulders, the hair sprouting on his lip and the way his hackles were rising, he was still mad.

  ‘I’m sorry you didn’t win, Joe, even if we would all have had to wear ripped jeans and get into Nirvana again,’ I began in an attempt to placate him.

  ‘It’s all right for you,’ he said, bitterly. ‘You get to swagger around town with your undead beau, king and queen of all you survey, while the gang and I are stuck in the basement with the Xbox. Twenty years we’ve been waiting, Heffa. I had the script for Spatulan Werewolf in Bermuda green-lit and ready to go, and you just
made sure we’ll be despised, low-rent gamers for a whole new generation. It’s not fair!’

  I scritched the top of his head, and he whined softly. How nice of him to call Teddy and me ‘king and queen’. I was positive we’d fix this silly rift between us some time soon, or if not I probably wouldn’t care for long anyway. Perhaps there was a play or a book that would give me some ideas about how to describe the way Teddy, Joe and I interacted; with some help, I’d surely be able to figure out a way for us to stay friends. Shakespeare hadn’t been much use, but maybe if I moved on to nineteenth-century novels I’d find something.

  ‘Ahem.’ Teddy stood beside us. Joe growled, a little, until I bopped him on the nose with my trophy. ‘She’s mine, wolf-boy, get your dirty paws away from her,’ Teddy went on, displaying the psychopathic possessiveness I loved so much.

  ‘I’ll see you later, Joe,’ I said, and watched sadly as he sloped off. Teddy clasped me close to him, and we began to sway back and forth. The gentle rocking motion went some way towards distracting me; rubbing against Teddy’s smooth torso, sliding my hands down his taut, perfect behind …

  ‘Heffa?’ Teddy whispered.

  ‘Yes, my love?’

  ‘Have you thought further about my proposal?’

  I detached myself. He wasn’t going to get me that easily. Butter a girl up, and when she’s all open and soft, out with the fangs. Well, not Heffa Lump!

  ‘Teddy, I told you. I’m not ready. I want to graduate. I’ve got all sorts of adult things I want to do with you, but I’ve got to be an adult first. Why must you keep pressuring me like this? Didn’t you say you’d love me even if I was eighty?’

  Teddy stuck out his bottom lip, petulantly, and I leaned up to kiss it. He pushed me back. ‘Eighteen, Heffa, not eighty. Urgh, if you were eighty, you’d be all dried up and old. What kind of freak would promise something like that?