by David Weaver
That same nauseated feeling that caused him to pass out came back again, but he swallowed it down. He wanted to drop Meesie off at a hospital and run, but she would never forgive him for that. All he could think about was her losing their unborn and her possibly dying. How could I put her in this situation? Jawan thought as he pulled band-aids, peroxide, and gauzes off the shelf.
He felt so inadequate and felt like this could go no further. He’d never meant for Meesie to get hurt. All he wanted to do was protest. Protest for those that had fallen victim to this horrible justice system that was designed to protect the white and the rich.
Jawan looked around the store and then grabbed a couple bottles of Tylenol that he stuffed down his pocket before leaving. He broke out into a light jog toward the car, and got inside. Meesie was resting in the passenger seat with her hands braced over her stomach.
Her breathing was light with soft moans that escaped her lips every few minutes. Jawan could tell that she was in a lot of pain and it caused damage to his soul. He’d wanted more for her—more for them.
As Jawan pulled out of the Walgreens parking lot, he wondered if he should go to his uncle’s house or if he should go somewhere else. As much mayhem that he had single handedly caused he knew that the police were out looking for him. A part of him wanted to continue to stand his ground and the sensible part of him told him that he needed to stop while he was ahead. His priority was Meesie and the little child that was growing inside of her.
Jawan reached over and grabbed Meesie’s hand squeezing it for reassurance. He’d let her down, but he was going to make up for it. He wasn’t going to hurt anyone else. This wasn’t the way to go about getting justice and this wasn’t going to get the lawmakers to change their laws. They were probably sitting behind their offices now smiling and rubbing their chubby hands together, thankful that another black man had fucked up. That thought alone pissed him off. The fact that he was an endangered species like some damn animal caused chills to run through his body.
“Meesie, I’m gonna make up for this shit baby. I promise you that I am,” Jawan told her. He kissed her hand, and then put both of his hands onto the steering wheel. He had no clue on what their next move should be. One wrong move could send them both to jail. He couldn’t even think straight long enough to think of anything rational. Meesie was normally his voice of reason, but since being inured she hadn’t said a word.
He continued driving around Sanford, keeping his eyes peeled for the police or anyone else that he deemed a threat. Jawan took a sharp right at the light and Meesie began to whimper. This is bad. Jawan shook his head and blinked back the tears while his mind began to play tricks on him.
Where did that man come from? I know I wasn’t out that long. Who sent him? Somebody had to have sent him. Jawan angrily thought. Shit, I need to get a hold of my seizure medicine. I can’t go passing out like that again, leaving Meesie all unattended. What if I had stayed out any longer? She could be dead right now!
He slammed his hand against the steering wheel over and over again, releasing the mounds and mounds of frustration that had built up. The urgency to kill someone hit him. He wanted to hurt someone just so they could feel what Meesie was feeling.
“Somebody’s gonna pay for your pain Meesie!” Jawan cried. He took the back of his hand and wiped the tears away. Nothing about this was fair to him.
“Enough—Jawan—“ Meesie began to cough and gripped her hand over her stomach.
“Meesie, baby, don’t try to talk right now. I’m a find somewhere safe to pull over and I’m a help you get cleaned up,” Jawan said frantically.
“No, Jawan— enough has been done already. You’ve killed three people tonight. No one else needs to pay. Think about your father and if this is what he would’ve wanted.”
The mention of his father didn’t make him feel any better. It only made him reminisce on the time they’d spent together before he was brutally murdered. He thought about all the times he needed his father growing up and the times he would insanely become jealous of seeing his friends with their fathers. He missed him and felt that now was a good time to speak with him. He didn’t know what his future held. Would he get locked up or would he be killed? Either way he wanted to be for certain that he spoke with his father before anything happened.
****
The sun had begun to rise into the car awakening Jawan from his sleep. After cleaning up Meesie’s wounds as best he could and giving her some pain medicine, he’d parked nearby the cemetery where his father was buried. The cemetery shut the gates when the sun went down and opened them as soon as the sun rose.
Jawan looked over at Meesie whom was sleeping peacefully with her head resting against the window. He was glad to see that she was feeling some type of relief even if it had been just a little. He hated to see her in so much discomfort and was slowly juggling his thoughts on what he would do. Her injuries were too severe to go untreated by a medical professional, but he couldn’t go anywhere near a hospital. He knew she would have a fit if he tried to suggest dropping her off and leaving, but something had to be done.
Taking a deep breath, Jawan stepped out of the car, stretched his body, and then looked around before crossing the street. He entered the cemetery’s grounds and took on a brisk walk toward his father’s burial site. This was a place that he visited quite often, especially during times when he felt like there was no one else in the world that understood him. It was a place of peace and the only place he could find calm in the wake of a storm.
He knelt down on one knee, and wiped the dirt and debris away from the headstone. He could feel his pulse rising and felt his self about to break into a nervous sweat. This was how it had always been anytime he was in his father’s presence—dead or alive, he continually wanted to please him. His father had been a great man and he couldn’t help but feel as if he had disappointed him.
“On my way over here, I kept thinking about the day you took me to see the Miami Heat play the New Orleans Hornets in the first round playoffs. It was the first time I fell in love with sports. I was so infatuated with the athletes and their skills that I couldn’t stop smiling that whole damn week. It was so powerful seeing the grace in which our people moved! I remember going outside everyday practicing them same moves I saw that night. Every time you would go to work, you would tell me how good I was doing and how proud you were of me. That always made me feel good, just to know that I made you proud.
I’ve fucked up. You would’ve never wanted me to carry on the family name like this. I’m just so sick of the way they do us—so sick of the black on black crime, and I am sick of these white people thinking they can just do us any kind of way and get away with it. We deserve so much more than they give us and I just feel like we gotta go out there and take it,” Jawan expressed, he shook his head and allowed his emotions to spill over.
“I didn’t wanna shoot that cop, but he wanted to take my freedom. That immediately brought me to thinking of how enslaved I would feel if I allowed him to take me in—I just couldn’t allow it. And then it was the dude celebrating the loss of life of a teenager and his killer going free. That shit pissed me off and I stood my ground like he would’ve claimed if he had killed me. You know that’s what they all claiming now. Killing little black boys, and claiming they stood their ground. It’s just another way to demolish the black race if you ask me. Them laws damn sure wasn’t made by no black man.
Anyway, I know that you don’t agree with my actions, but I’m a make it right some kind of way. Violence isn’t the way and I know that. Meesie is pregnant and I’ve pretty much messed up any chance I had of being of father. Tell me what to do Pop. What should I do, to make this right for Meesie? I’m so lost right now.”
Jawan lowered his head and let the tears flow. He placed his hand on top of the headstone and began to pray. He needed his father to speak to him and needed a word from God. He didn’t want to hurt anyone else but he couldn’t help but feel like nothing had been accomp
lished. Three people had died, but would they understand why? Would they know the reasons behind their deaths, and would everyone else know?
“I know what I have to do. It’s what you taught me to do, what a real man would do,” Jawan nodded his head and stood to his feet to walk way. He had to do what he had to do and there was no other way around it, Meesie would just have to understand. He then decided that they needed to find somewhere to rest until he could put things in order.
***
“We have issued a statewide manhunt for Jawan Louis and Meesie Hall. They are wanted for their involvement in the shooting deaths of three men, including one police officer. We have reason to believe that they are armed and dangerous, and if you see either one of the two individuals shown on this television screen, please call the authorities.”
The room was silent as Jawan and Meesie stared at the television set. Jawan’s uncle had been eating potato chips, and stopped chewing in the middle of a chip when the news came across the television. They had been hiding out at his house for the past couple of days in order for Meesie to be able to heal from her injuries. They had been all over the news for the killing of the police officer, but now it seemed as if they authorities were able to connect them to the other two as well. This was the first time Jawan’s uncle had seen the news.
“Wait a got damn minute Jawan!” His uncle said loudly. Jawan had told him how upset he was about the verdict of the trial that struck the nation, but he didn’t know he’d taken things this far. “What the fuck is going on? You trying to get me sent to the got damn electric chair? If they find you in here, they’ll charge me for aiding and abetting. You’re a fugitive for murder boy. You and that damn lady you’re with, y’all need to grow up and turn y’all selves in!
Out here killing folks just because the verdict wasn’t what you wanted it to be for the Trayvon case! You’re not making things no better for black people boy! You think you’re doing some big shot shit don’t you? Out here killing people! You and that damn woman you’re with have turned into serial killers! And you thought it was cute!
I’ll show you what’s cute! Get y’all cute asses out of my fucking household. Don’t you ever in your life think I’m going to do prison time for some stupid ass shit like hiding y’all in my motherfucking house! I worked hard labor to get this house boy! I struggled and put in blood, sweat, and tears in order to pay for my home!”
Jawan shook his head and closed his eyes as he listened to his uncle go on a rampage about his house. In that one moment, the memory of Meesie’s words came running across his mind. He looked at his fiancé to see her reaction, but she was staring at the wall. His heart smiled right then because he knew she could have easily made him feel worse. She could have easily have poked her finger in his face and said “I told you so Jawan,” but she wasn’t like that.
He knew that he had made the correct decision when he made Meesie his life partner. It was something that he would never have to question. Meesie was the only lady who was willing to stay by his side through all of his anger issues in the past, and here she was; pregnant, riding with a serial killer, and still down for her man. He loved her to death and beyond.
“Unc, please… Meesie is pregnant, and we just need a few more days to get ourselves together. I’ll turn myself in eventually but-”
“You’ll do no such thing Jawan!” Meesie screamed abruptly. “You said you were standing your ground, then you stand that shit! We won’t be folding for nothing or nobody! I’m not going to sit around and let you empower me and then fold when it’s time to put up or shut up! I picked a strong man, and by God; you’re going to be strong damnit!”
Jawan’s eyes widened as he stared at the love of his life. He had long thought that his words flowed in one ear and out of the other one when he spoke of injustice. He had never known her to be empowered by any of his speeches and rants, but listening to her speak had just changed his entire perspective of her.
“Wow.” Jawan said as he stared at his fiancé. Her bottom lip was trembling and her arms were shaking as she stared back at her lover. He had never seen her as emotional as she was at that very moment. It was a sight to behold. Something that he wished that he could package up and carry with him in his casket and to his grave. It was everything that a man could ever ask for out of life.
It was real love.
“I don’t give a fuck about you two and that powerful, strong, and above the law shit; but I tell you motherfuckers what! Y’all got approximately 60 seconds to get the fuck outta my house or I will be calling 911 on y’all asses.”
Jawan stared at his uncle with a confused look on his face. He would have never thought his uncle would have turned on him like that. He had always looked up to him. His uncle was his father’s only living brother!
“Unc… you always told me how much you hated these fuckin’ white people for killing your brother. You always told me that you would go crazy if you got the chance to avenge your brother’s death! They killed my daddy Unc! They killed your brother, and here you are trying to turn in your brother’s son and fiancé for killing them in return?
I don’t understand you at all! How you preach to me about black power all of your life, and as soon as I show you some of the power you told me about; you wanna turn me in? Whose side are you really on Unc?”
Jawan’s uncle stood up and walked to the kitchen. He grabbed the cordless phone and turned it on. “Jawan! You listen to me closely! Your father being killed back in the day was a misunderstanding! That white man didn’t mean to kill your daddy boy! They thought he was a burglar and they killed him. They had every right to do that! You didn’t have no right to kill any of them good white people that you killed!
You and that broad you’re with… she’s bad luck boy, and she’s going to drag you into the mud with her. You should know when you’re stepping into some deep shit because you won’t be able to see your feet anymore… and when you can’t see your feet, you become unsure of your steps!”
His uncle turned the phone off and turned it back on. He placed it to his ear to see if the dial tone was there or not.
“What the fuck are you doing Unc?” Jawan screamed as he stared daggers through his uncle.
“Nigger, you know what I’m doing! I have already told your ass that you had 60 seconds to get the fuck out of here and you’re still in my household like you’ve been invited! I’m calling the police!”
Jawan pulled his pistol out and aimed it at his uncle. “Wait! We’ll leave… no problem. But slide the phone across the floor first. We don’t need the police knowing where the fuck we’ve been! Give me the phone!”
Jawan’s uncle shook his head. “So you’re going to shoot me if I don’t give you this phone?”
“Stop asking me questions and slide the damn phone Unc!” Jawan hollered, losing patience.
Jawan’s uncle produced a sly smirk as he slowly bent down and slid the phone over to him. Jawan reached down and picked the phone up off of the floor, and nearly pissed in his pants. His uncle had used speed dial to call 911, and they had been on the telephone listening for the past few minutes. He hurriedly turned the phone off, but he knew that it was too late. 911 would dispatch officers in no time, and he would be trapped if he didn’t leave soon.
“Damn Unc! I thought you loved me! I thought you loved me the way my father would have loved me if he was alive! You always told me that! You’re my own flesh and blood Unc! I never would have expected you to double cross me! Never!” Tears welled up in Jawan’s bloodshot eyes as he stared at his uncle in disbelief. His uncle had a big smile on his face, almost like he was on the verge of laughing out loud.
“So what? You gon shoot me or what boy? I ain’t never even believed that you belonged to my brother! That bitch of a mama was a slut back in the day! Shit, I know plenty people who could be your daddy there boy. I was only being polite because I didn’t wanna hurt your young feelings.”
Jawan lowered his gun and stared at his uncle in disbel
ief. He turned and faced his fiancé, who had tears in her eyes as well.
“Come on Jawan, let’s go baby.” Meesie said as she walked over and grabbed his arm. She pulled him and saw that he was falling deeper into a trance. She got nervous because whenever he fell into a trance, he always stood the risk of having a seizure; and a seizure was the last thing she needed right then in the heat of the moment. The police were on the way, and his uncle was on the enemy’s side.
“Bitch you should have known not to come over my got damn house. You know I know your secret!”