Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into History

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The first premier of British Columbia renamed himself Lover of the Universe.

  MAKEUP TO DIE FOR

  * * *

  Today, courageous women everywhere scorn the perils of bankruptcy to keep themselves supplied with the latest clothes and makeup. But that’s nothing compared to the brave ladies of history who risked their lives daily for the sake of beauty.

  Snow-white skin was a sign of nobility, wealth, and delicacy to the fashionable women of the 16th century. Their eyes had to be just as bright, and their cheeks and lips just as red, as that forerunner of fashion, Queen Elizabeth herself. Few came by the painted-doll look naturally. Here are a few favorite recipes from that era (and their sometimes lethal side effects).

  VENETIAN CERUSE

  Ingredients: vinegar and white lead.

  Desired effect: For that pale white skin. It was applied to the face, neck, and bosom.

  Side effect: Lead poisoning, which in adults can cause increased blood pressure, digestive problems, kidney damage, nerve disorders, sleep problems, muscle and joint pain, and mood changes—not to mention turning the skin a sickly gray.

  SOLIMAN’S WATER

  Ingredient: sublimate of mercury.

  Desired effect: To remove spots, freckles, and warts.

  Side effect: Polishes off the outer layer of skin, but also corrodes the skin underneath. Teeth fall out prematurely, gums recede, and a buildup of mercury in the system will eventually cause insanity.

  Bargain alternative: For Elizabethan women on a budget, there was always a mixture of sulfur and borax.

  Side effect: Borax causes a sloughing of the skin, but can also cause blistering and facial twitches, and in large amounts can induce fever, vomiting, and eventual coma.

  BELLADONNA

  Ingredient: Belladonna, also known as deadly nightshade. And not for nothing.

  Desired effect: Drops in the eyes for that bright sparkle. It was also used to redden lips and cheeks.

  Side effect: Belladonna contains atropine, which in large doses causes delirium, convulsions, and coma. Extremely poisonous.

  In Ancient Egypt, killing a cat was often a capital offense.

  PERMANENT RED OF FUCUS, a.k.a. FACEPAINT

  Ingredient: red mercuric sulfide.

  Desired effect: To redden lips and cheeks.

  Side effect: Also made of mercury, so the side effects are the same as Soliman’s Water, above. Namely, teeth fall out prematurely, gums recede, and a buildup of mercury in the system will eventually cause insanity.

  Bargain alternative: a mixture of hard-boiled egg-white, cochineal (made from a South American insect that is dried and crushed, producing a deep red dye), and gum arabic.

  Side effect: This one is actually harmless. For once, real value for less!

  DIRTY ROTTEN ROYALS

  While the ladies were beautifying with deadly creams and potions, everybody was stinking in an era in which baths were often annual occasions. Some stunk more offensively than others, however.

  Peter the Great of Russia seldom washed and, like an 18th century rock star, left a trail of trashed accommodations behind him. One British gentleman presented his government with a bill for £350 (about $47,000 U.S. today) after Peter and his henchman stayed at his house. The group had torn up the furniture, smeared vomit and excrement on the floors and walls, and used the paintings for target practice. This must have been particularly galling for his hosts, because Peter had a phobia about cockroaches and insisted that every room be sparkling clean and guaranteed free of critters before he would enter.

  A Canadian pilot, Roy Brown, is credited with shooting down the Red Baron.

  HITLER THE BUM

  * * *

  Adolf Hitler, the penniless Austrian who wreaked havoc on the Western world of the 1930s and ‘40s, began his career as a tramp. For nine years, from age 16 to age 25, he was a bum.

  Hitler’s parents wanted him to go into the Austrian civil service like his father, but young Adolf had other plans. He would be a great artist, he decided, and he went off to Vienna to make his fortune.

  THE LOSER

  He applied twice at the Academy of Art, but they wouldn’t accept him as a student. He liked drawing buildings, so they advised him to try the school of architecture instead. But he hadn’t graduated from high school, and so he was refused entry there, too. The money from home ran out, and Hitler was on the street. In his autobiography, Mein Kampf (“my struggle”), he described his time in Vienna as a period of study. The reality was different.

  THE HOUSEPAINTER

  Hitler did some house painting and other odd jobs occasionally, but most of the time he was flat broke. He stayed in a hostel for homeless men, and this was where he developed his skill at public speaking.

  THE ARTIST

  An older tramp found out that Hitler knew how to draw pictures of buildings and encouraged him to paint postcards of Viennese street scenes, which the older man would then take out and sell. They shared the profits from this sporadic business venture.

  THE SPEECH MAKER

  The two set up their workspace in the hostel’s large dayroom. But they didn’t get a lot of work done because Hitler could never resist an audience. So while his partner kept trying to persuade him to sit down and concentrate on the postcards, Hitler kept jumping to his feet to make passionate speeches against the Jews. His audience, the other bums who were sleeping off their hangovers or sitting waiting for their free meals, would cheer him on as he worked himself up into incoherent ecstasies of nationalism. As time went by, he became a kind of bum celebrity.

  In England in the 1700s it was possible to buy insurance against going to hell.

  THE WAR HERO

  He moved to Munich just before the outbreak of World War I. His life changed forever when he joined the German army, where he reached the rank of corporal and won an Iron Cross.

  His success as leader of the Nazi movement in later life relied mainly on the unique and passionate style of public speaking he had developed during those long years as a bum in Vienna.

  THE LITTLE TRAMP

  Charlie Chaplin always maintained that Hitler’s trademark moustache was copied from Chaplin’s “Little Tramp” character, and that Hitler adopted it to make himself more popular with the masses.

  THE MONSTER

  However he managed it, Adolf Hitler had learned, more than any other political leader of the 20th century, how to get through to the people who lived on the bottom rungs of society. And that was where he found his first and best supporters.

  WHY WAS IT CALLED THE 3RD REICH?

  “Reich” is German for “empire.” The Holy Roman Empire, which united much of present-day Germany and Italy, was the First Reich. The Second Reich was established by Otto Von Bismarck in 1871. Hitler’s Third Reich, which was supposed to last 1,000 years, lasted only 12.

  Did you know that Hitler. . .

  • Banned Charlie Chaplin for being “Jewish” (he wasn’t)?

  • Had a half brother who ran a bar in Germany that was popular with high-ranking Nazi officers?

  • Liked to show people how much his own hands resembled those of his hero Frederick the Great?

  • Was voted Time magazine Man of the Year in 1938?

  At its height in A.D. 117, the Roman Empire covered 2.5 million square miles.

  HITTING THE HIGH NOTES

  * * *

  The castrati were male singers who were emasculated for the sake of music. How did this shocking practice originate? And why did parents willingly volunteer their sons for such mutilation?

  Choir singing has always played a prominent role in Roman Catholic church services. And one of its mainstays has always been the boy soprano. The problem is, a boy’s voice breaks in his early teens, then it deepens. All that time and trouble training a kid, then you have to start all over.

  RENAISSANCE BOYS

  Back in the late 16th century, though, some genius figured out how to fix that. The obvious solution—to use
female sopranos—wasn’t an option. Women and Catholic church choirs didn’t mix back then, but there was an alternative.

  A CURE FOR PUBERTY

  The church fathers may have led sheltered lives (okay, some of them did), but they knew that if a boy was castrated, his voice wouldn’t break. This was because, whereas the chest and diaphragm would grow normally, the post-castration vocal cords would grow much more slowly. But it was unthinkable, right? Who would contemplate such mutilation for the sake of music?

  Why, the Roman Catholic church, of course. What did a boy need with those darn things, anyway? They would only get him into trouble.

  THE PAPAL OKAY

  Pope Sixtus V officially sanctioned the practice of castrating boys for choirs in 1589. With the church backing it, castration became all the rage. Famous composers like Handel and Rossini composed music specifically for these little boys with high voices. Collectively, they were called the “castrati.” (And since the Italians have a funny way of pluralizing things, the word for one of them was “castrato.” Just trust us on it.)

  A flush toilet exists that dates back to 2000 B.C.

  WHO’S NEXT?

  In the cities, barbers performed castrations as a sideline: the signs in their shop windows read, “Boys castrated here.” Out in the country, pig farmers, who had some experience in the field, picked up a little extra cash on the side for the same service.

  There was no anesthetic available, of course. The most common practice was to compress the carotid arteries, which briefly interrupted circulation and put the boy into a comatose state during the operation. Sometimes he didn’t wake up again. Hemorraghing and infection were universal, too, in the days before sterilization. It’s estimated that three in ten boys died on the table. But it was worth it for the sake of art. Right?

  JUNIOR HIGH IS TOUGH ENOUGH. . .

  Most of the castrati were the children of poor parents. If a son showed musical aptitude, he would be sold to a musical institution. These were usually orphanages or charitable schools for the poor that saw the popularity of the castrati as a way to make money. They adapted to the times: they became musical schools that trained castrati as well as musicians and baritone singers who still had their equipment. Opera societies regularly toured these institutions in search of fresh talent.

  Parents had high hopes for their little emasculated ones, that they’d become famous and provide for mama and papa in their old age. But that nasty operation didn’t guarantee results. And of course, boys who had no musical aptitude before the operation were unlikely to suddenly become good singers afterward.

  The castrated boys—even those who could sing—were taunted mercilessly for being “freaks.” If they turned out to be inferior singers, the musical institutions kicked them out. And where could they go? Now they were an embarrassment to their parents and ostracized by the community.

  THE END OF A TREND

  All good things must come to an end, and so all of a sudden the castrato was as unfashionable as last season’s bell-bottoms. Quite a few had been international celebrities. Now they were hasbeens—and freaks. As of 1825, the year of the last operatic castrato performance, the newspapers were advising their readers to steer clear of those “travesties of nature.” In 1903, after more than 300 years of the deplorable practice, Pope Pius X formally banned castrati from the Papal Chapel. The last professional castrato, Alessandro Moreschi, died in 1922. Recordings of his singing have been remastered and the CD, called “The Last Castrato,” is available online. How’s that for culture shock?

  You could be executed in England in the 1700s for cheating at cards via forgery.

  FAMOUS CASTRATI

  Carlos Broschi—Better known as “Farinelli,” he was the most famous of them all. Unlike most castrati, Farinelli came from a well-to-do family (what were they thinking?). He was trained by the great composer Nicola Porpora. His arias sent the crowds into raptures. He famously accompanied world-class trumpet players in the trumpeter’s “duel”—outperforming them every time.

  Geatano Majoramo—Geatano performed under the name of “Cafferelli.” He was a marvelous operatic singer but, by all accounts, not a very nice guy. He was famous for his violent mood swings (you’d be, too) and temper tantrums, and for his romantic carryings-on with the ladies—quite a feat considering his biological limitations.

  Giovanni Battista Velluti—Velluti was never meant to be a castrato at all, but rather a military officer. As a child he was taken ill and rushed to a surgeon. However, the doctor thought little Giovanni was there to be castrated and proceeded as such. Velluti was more reknowned for his striking good looks than for his vocal abilities. There’s one in every crowd, isn’t there?

  Giusto Tenducci—This famous castrato made his home in London after a wildly successful tour of Europe in the 1750s. He became a friend of the great composer Mozart, who wrote pieces especially for him. Tenducci’s voice made him a star throughout England. In his fictional work The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker, 18th century author Tobias Smollet has one enchanted Tenducci listener proclaim, on hearing him for the first time, “The voice to be sure is neither man nor woman’s but it is more melodious than either; and it warbled so divinely that while I listened I really thought myself in paradise.”

  Men who sing parts in these ranges today are called countertenors or sopranists. Their range is a result of genetics and training.

  From the age of 30, humans gradually begin to shrink.

  NAZI OLYMPICS

  * * *

  The 1936 Summer Olympics were meant to bring Germany back into the international fold after World War I. But Hitler had his own ideas. And so did an American athlete named Jesse Owens.

  In 1931, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) awarded the 1936 Summer Olympic Games to the city of Berlin. This was meant to mark Germany’s unofficial welcoming into the international arena after her discipline following World War I. But the IOC didn’t foresee the rising tide of Nazism and the coming to power in 1933 of Chancellor Adolf Hitler, who saw the Games as a showcase of Aryan supremacy.

  DER SHOW-OFF

  The Games were an opportunity to show a skeptical world how he’d lifted his nation from the depths of despair and transformed it into a well-oiled machine that allowed the natural Germanic superiority to flourish. The Games were to be perfect, just like Germany.

  CLEANING UP HIS ACT

  First he had to clean up Berlin. The streets were cleared of the homeless, and anti-Jewish signs were removed. Hitler’s architects designed four massive stadiums and a splendid Olympic village. In all, Germany spent $25 million getting ready—an enormous sum in those days. And of course, the German (amateur) athletes were supported while they trained full time in the years leading up to the games.

  HELL NO, WE WON’T GO

  Meanwhile, around the world there was a growing movement to boycott the Games because of the German government’s anti-Semitic policies. An alternative, dubbed “The People’s Games,” was proposed, to be held in Barcelona. But the Spanish Civil War squashed that idea. In the end, the 1936 Olympic Games would see more participant countries (49) and more competitors (4,066) than any previous Olympics.

  Until 1752, England rang in the new year on March 25.

  GERMAN SUPREMACY

  In fact, when the medals were tallied in the end, Germany easily won with 101 medals overall, including 41 golds. Its nearest rival was the United States (a country with three times its population) with 66 medals, 25 of which were gold. But all of Germany’s achievements were cast into the shadows by the unbelievable performance of one American athlete—a man who most definitely bucked the Aryan superiority myth. His name, of course, was Jesse Owens.

  JESSE JAMES OWENS

  They called Owens the “Tan Cyclone” and he brilliantly lived up to that name by bagging four gold medals for his country: in the 100 meter dash, the 200 meter sprint (in world record time, mind you), the 400 meter relay, and the long jump.

  SOME FRIENDL
Y ADVICE

  Owens had started badly in the long jump, fouling on his first two jumps by overstepping the mark. He had just one last chance to get it right. As he psyched himself for his final jump, he was approached by his major rival, a stocky blond German who was a prototype of Hitler’s ideal. The man’s name was Luz Long and in one of the great acts of sporting comradeship he offered Owens some advice: he suggested that Owens draw a line a few inches in front of the take-off board and use that as his mark. It worked.

  THE HITLER SNUB MYTH

  Did Hitler really snub Jesse Owens because he was a black man? No, he did not. On the first day of the Games, Hitler formally shook hands with the medal winners from Germany and Finland. But that night, Hitler received a polite message from the President of the International Olympic Committee, Count Baillet-Latour, that informed him that it wasn’t proper protocol for a national leader to congratulate the athletes: he was there merely as a spectator. Hitler took the advice graciously and, from then on, didn’t congratulate the individual athletes. Therefore, Jesse Owens was not personally congratulated by Hitler. But neither were any of the other competitors.