Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into History

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME

  That afternoon, it seemed like the entire town turned out for the first public run. And before even watching to see if it worked, 90 intrepid San Franciscans climbed onto the car built for 26 passengers and took the first official ride, perched on the roof and hanging off the side of “Hallidie’s folly.” For the next century or so, San Franciscans rode the cable cars to and from work or shopping. Now, of course, they take buses or cabs, or even cars, when they want to go across town. It probably never occurred to Andrew Hallidie that his invention would become one of the most popular tourist attractions in the world.

  OTHER COOL LOCAL INVENTIONS (IN NORWAY)

  The paper clip was patented in 1899 by Norwegian Johan Vaaler. Norway didn’t have a patenting system then, so Vaaler got his patent issued from the U.S. In the 1940s, during the Nazi occupation, Norwegian soldiers weren’t allowed to wear buttons with the king’s initials. As a show of nationalism, the Norwegians fastened their coats with paper clips. Wear with pride!

  In the 1970s, Grenada fell to Marxists after its prime minister became fixated on UFOs.

  THE REAL ROBINSON CRUSOE

  * * *

  Alexander Selkirk was the real-life castaway who inspired the famous Daniel Defoe novel with the mouth-filling title: The Life and Strange Surprising Adventures of Robinson Crusoe, of York, Mariner. But Selkirk’s story is entirely his own.

  IF IT’ S TUESDAY, IT MUST BE MÁS A TIERRA

  The sailors were just putting ashore at a small, supposedly deserted island off the coast of Chile when they were startled by a wild man dressed in goatskins running toward them along the beach. The man could barely make himself understood, but over the next days, as the ability of speech slowly came back to him, Alexander “Wild Man” Selkirk told them the story of how he had survived for more than four years—without human companion-ship—marooned on the island of Más a Tierra.

  HOW HE GOT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE

  Selkirk was born in Scotland in 1676 and ran off to sea almost as soon as he learned how to run. By age 27 he’d landed a job as first mate on the ship, Cinque Ports, which means “five ports” in French, a fine name for a ship except that if you pronounce “cinque” it sounds just like “sank.” Not a good word to use around any kind of seafaring vessel. The men who sailed the Cinque Ports were privateers, a fancy word for pirates paid by their government to prey on other countries’ merchant ships. The captain, William Dampier, was a highly skilled mapmaker, but an incompetent and foolhardy sailing man.

  On July 4, 1776, George III wrote in his diary, “Nothing of importance happened today.”

  THE ANGRY SEA

  The Cinque Ports was positioned to sail around Cape Horn, the southern tip of South America, and had already tried three times. In the best of weather, rounding the Horn was dangerous, but this was the middle of storm season. The men were sick, tired, and talking of mutiny. But Captain Dampier couldn’t wait to get to the Pacific Ocean where rich Spanish and Portuguese ships plied the waters, begging to be captured and looted. Selkirk argued with the captain that the ship was battered and badly needed repair, but Dampier was adamant. He forced the men to try again. This time the Cinque Ports made it. The ship limped to the island of Más a Tierra to pick up food and water.

  Selkirk thought now that they would rest a bit, then repair the ship. But Captain Dampier was anxious to get going again. Selkirk argued some more, to no avail. Then he made the most important decision of his life. Afraid that the ship would sink, he asked to be relieved of duty. He would stay on Más a Tierra, a known stopping place for fresh water, fruit, and crawfish. Selkirk was sure another ship would be along shortly. He was young, 27, healthy, and too optimistic. So in October 1704, our hero put ashore with his clothes, bedding, a firelock rifle, gunpowder, bullets, tobacco, tools, a kettle, a Bible, mathematical instruments, and some books. By the time the longboat pulled away, he began to doubt his decision. He called after the boat, but it was too late.

  THE LONELY GUY

  For the first few weeks our castaway constantly scanned the horizon for ships. The solitude terrified him, and he fell into a depression. He despaired of ever being rescued. His depression lasted eight months. He knew because he counted the days by carving notches in the trees.

  He wasn’t entirely alone. Herds of wild goats roamed everywhere. The island was overrun with cats and rats that had come ashore from other ships. He killed the goats for food, and, eventually, clothing. The rats gnawed him while he slept, but once he shared his meat with the cats, they protected him from the rats. He began to settle in.

  The island was a tropical paradise with a perfect climate, plenty of fresh water and fruit, and virtually everything Selkirk needed. He used the island’s pimento trees to build two huts; one he used as a living room and bedroom, the other as a kitchen. He kept a fire going on a nearby hill so he could signal a passing ship. Over the years ships did come by, although they rarely got close. Twice, Spanish ships put down anchor, and twice Selkirk decided not to risk being seen. Better to stay alone on the island than be killed or sold into slavery, a certainty for a captured English seaman.

  The writings of Confucius were nearly lost when China’s emperor tried to burn them all.

  AS TIME GOES BY

  Selkirk eventually moved from his huts to a cave. When he ran out of powder for his rifle, he had to chase the goats if he wanted meat. His diet also included crawfish, fruit, pimentos, goats’ milk, and even some turnips that sailors had sown there. He kept himself busy and in good spirits reading, singing, and praying. He was in the best physical shape he’d ever been in his life. His shoes had worn out long ago, so he went barefoot. When his clothes wore out, he replaced them with a goatskin coat and hat. He must have looked like a wild man, indeed.

  SAILS IN THE SUNSET

  Finally, in early 1709, the wild man saw an English flag atop the ship at anchor in his harbor. He ran to meet the longboats. The ship that rescued Selkirk was the English privateer, Duke. Its captain, Woodes Rogers, described the rescue in his 1712 book, A Voyage Around the World.

  By a strange coincidence, the pilot of the Duke was none other than William Dampier, the captain of the Cinque Ports, who had left Selkirk on Más a Tierra four years earlier. No hard feelings on either side. Dampier vouched for Selkirk’s seamanship, so he was given a position of responsibility on the Duke. When Selkirk helped to capture a richly loaded Spanish merchant ship, Captain Rogers rewarded him by making him the ship’s captain for the return home to England.

  HIS SHIP COMES IN

  When Selkirk got back to England in 1711, he told his story to essayist Richard Steele, who published it the following year. Daniel Defoe read the story and was inspired to create his own story of Robinson Crusoe.

  Thanks to the Spanish ship, Selkirk returned to Scotland a wealthy man. But he was as unfamiliar with money as he was with civilization. He made a home for himself in a cave, where he tried to replace the tranquility and solitude of Más a Tierra. Finally, Selkirk returned to the sea as first mate on the man-of-war Weymouth. He died at sea, age 45, after drinking water infected with a tropical disease. Más a Tierra is now known as Robinson Crusoe Island. It’s a tourist attraction, just three hours by plane from Santiago, Chile.

  Winston Churchill was one-sixteenth Iroquois.

  TOMBSTONE TERRITORY

  * * *

  Only Uncle John could bring together the likes of Alexander the Great and Al Capone. Here’s what’s engraved on the tombstones of some famous folks.

  Alexander the Great

  A tomb now suffices for him For whom the world was not enough

  William H. Bonney

  “Billy the Kid”

  Truth and History.

  21 Men.

  The Boy Bandit King—

  He Died As He Lived.

  Alphonse Capone

  My Jesus Mercy

  Nicolaus Copernicus

  Stand, Sun, move not

  Em
ily Dickinson

  Called Back

  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

  Steel True, Blade Straight

  Wyatt Earp

  . . .that nothing’s so sacred as honor and nothing’s so loyal as love

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  The passive master lent his hand, To the vast Soul which o’er him planned.

  Benjamin Franklin

  The Body of B. Franklin, Printer Like the Cover of an old Book Its Contents torn out And Stript of its Lettering & Gilding Lies here. Food for Worms For it will as he believ’d appear once more In a new and more elegant Edition Corrected and improved By the Author.

  Robert Lee Frost

  I had A Lover’s Quarrel With The World

  Gustavus III, King of Sweden

  Happy at last

  “Wild Bill” J. B. Hickok

  Killed by the assassin Jack M’Call in Deadwood, Black Hills Aug. 2d 1876 Pard, we will meet again in the Happy Hunting Ground To part no more, Goodbye

  John Keats

  This Grave contains all that was Mortal of a Young English Poet Who on his Death Bed in the Bitterness of his Heart at the Malicious Power of his Enemies Desired these words to be engraved on his Tomb Stone ‘Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water.’

  The speeches of England’s George VI were carefully written to minimize his stammer.

  C. S. Lewis

  Man must endure his going hence.

  Anne and Charles Lindbergh

  . . .If I take the wings of the | morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea. . ..

  Jack London

  The Stone the Builders Rejected

  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

  Gone are the living, but the dead remain, And not neglected; for a hand unseen, Scattering its bounty like a summer rain, Still keeps their graves and their remembrance green.

  Roger Maris

  Against all Odds

  Karl Marx

  Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.

  Mary Ann “Polly” Nichols

  Victim of “Jack the Ripper”

  Edgar Allan Poe

  Quoth the Raven,” Nevermore.”

  Buford Pusser

  He Walked Tall

  Babe Ruth

  May That Divine Spirit That Animated BABE RUTH to Win the Crucial Game of Life Inspire the Youth of America

  Robert III King of Scotland

  Here lies the worst king and the most miserable man in the kingdom.

  William Shakespeare

  Good friend, for Jesus’ sake forbear, to dig the dust enclosed here! Blessed be the man that spares these stones, and cursed be he that moves my bones.

  George Bernard Shaw

  I knew if I stayed around long enough, something like this would happen.

  Percy Bysshe Shelley

  Nothing of him that doth fade But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange

  William Butler Yeats

  Cast a cold eye On life, on death Horseman, pass by

  King James I was one of history’s first anti-smoking zealots.

  THE 100 YEARS’ WAR

  * * *

  The Hundred Years’ War wasn’t really one big war that lasted 100 years. It was a lot of small wars interrupted by long periods of peace, with characters fascinating enough to spark the imagination of William Shakespeare.

  The Hundred Years’ War was a bunch of wars between the years of 1337–1453 that summed up the attempted English invasion of France. It was a great try, but in the end the English failed. Historians began lumping together all the sieges, raids, and battles that took place during this period under one title for the sake of historic simplicity, only since the late 19th century. Before then each battle was known for its own name. Long years of truce interlaced the hundred years of on-again, off-again fighting. Each battle typically lasted only about one day, with often less than 3,000 soldiers on each side. All the major battles put together only took up 2 weeks of the infamous hundred years. Sieges (blockades) were far more frequent and comprised many years of hand-to-hand combat.

  THE FEISTY YOUNG KING

  Edward III of England (son of Edward II and Isabel of France) was only 14 years old when he became King of England in 1327. After his father’s death, the Queen and her longtime lover, Roger Mortimer, the Earl of March, ruled England. But, their reign didn’t last long. In 1330, the young King Edward III had his mother’s lover, Mortimer, detained and executed for causing strife in the family. Edward went on with his military pursuits, which he found more interesting than royal administration and policy decisions. Not surprising for a teenager. For the most part, he left those issues up to his trusty barons.

  BLOOD RELATIONS

  Queen Isabel, Edward’s philandering mother, was England’s link to France. Her brother Charles was the King of France. When Charles died without an heir to the French throne, people naturally assumed that one of Isabel’s sons in England would inherit the throne. Surprisingly, on his deathbed Charles bequeathed the throne to Philip VI—both his and Isabel’s first cousin.

  Sweden had a Charles VII, but no Charles I, II, III, IV, V or VI.

  BUT DO THE ENGLISH SPEAK FRENCH?

  During these times, nationality and language was not a barrier to the royalties of both France and England. They spoke the same language, Anglo-Norman French. A thriving language during this period, Anglo-Norman French bridged the syntax of English and French.

  EDWARD’S QUEST FOR FRANCE

  Since the 11th century, England claimed ownership to territories in northern France across the English Channel, but the French wanted the land back. In 1337, Philip VI of France took back the Duchy of Guyenne, an English domain in France. Edward, of course, wanted the land back and was willing to fight for it.

  THE ENGLISH WREAK HAVOC

  The first stage of the Hundred Years’ War was marked by victorious land battles for the English, including the battle of Crécy (1346), battle of Poitiers (1356), and the siege of Calais (1346–1347). Calais, the major port of entry into northern France, was a particularly tactical win and brought the English in closer contact with their Flemish allies. The second stage took account of declined military activity after 1380 and vast raids by the English in French towns and cities. French people, unlike the English, saw warfare in their communities as their towns were pillaged and looted.

  A REALITY-BASED MIDSUMMER’S NIGHT DREAM

  The events that followed this bleak period inspired Shakespeare to write his famous play, Henry V. As the war dragged on, the English were forced back by the French so that they occupied a narrow strip of coast in northern France. But, soon enough Henry V succeeded Edward as King of England and went on the offensive again. His big victory at Agincourt was followed by an era of peace when he married the French princess, Catherine. Their son was to rule both England and France, but with Henry’s death in 1422, the war between the two countries continued.

  To pick a wife, Ivan the Terrible had 1,500 women sent to Moscow to choose from.

  ROYAL DISORDER

  With Henry V’s union with the French royalty, a royal strain of mental disorder was introduced to the English royal family. All those generations of marital match-ups between the two countries’ royal houses finally caught up to them!

  WHEN IT’S OVER

  In this seemingly never-ending story of wars, it wasn’t until the year 1565 that England lost its final toehold in northern France at Calais. This marked the end of England’s hunger for territories in France. In the years after the war, the English continued to beef up their naval military that served them well against France.

  WAR SKEPTICS

  Thankfully, common laws of war prevented the mass murdering that took place in crusading wars. But even so, the devastation that did take place opened the proverbial floodgates to thought and criticism of war in intellectual circles.

  FEASTING ON KNIGHTHOOD AND DEATH
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  The prestigious culture of knighthood flourished during the years after the Hundred Years’ War, reaching its pinnacle in the court of the 15th century dukes of Burgundy. The end of the war also saw an upsurge of cultural interest in death, and the virtues of death represented in war such as nobility, glory, and grandeur. This can be seen by the revival of grand, individualized tombs as well as increasingly expensive and lavish funeral processions for the dead.

  ANGLO-NORMANIZATION

  The Battle of Hastings in 1066 sealed the Norman (i.e., north French) conquest of England. The Bayeux Tapestry commemorates William of Normandy’s victory. Or does it? Commissioned by William’s half-brother for display in the Bayeux Cathedral in France, the 231-foot-long tapestry was actually stitched by the famed English needleworkers of Canterbury. They sure made the battle look like hard work for the noticeably ugly Normans, and there surely was a wistful hint of nostalgia in the closing line: “The sun set on the field—and on Anglo-Saxon England.”

  In 1941, Mongolians staged history’s last full-scale cavalry charge. German tanks flattened it.

  ANAGRAMS

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