Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into History

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The Spanish destroyed the Inca way of life, and the Catholic church was keen to stamp out the Inca religion too. So when they found that the whole country was overrun by sacred animals, regularly killed and eaten during traditional religious festivals, they suggested that the best thing would be to exterminate them. But the first bishop of Lima refused this request from the church authorities. He was afraid the natives would rebel. After all, the guinea pigs were an important source of food. So the Peruvians kept their guinea pigs. In Cuzco, the old Inca capital, there is a large painting of the Last Supper, which was part of the Catholic effort to convert the natives. They made an effort to include some local elements to get the message across. At such an important fiesta, there is only one possible dish that could have been served. Sitting in front of Jesus is a plate of fried guinea pig.

  James Madison was only 5 foot 4 inches and weighed less than 100 pounds.

  HER MAJESTY’S A PRETTY NICE GIRL

  * * *

  When you’re the monarch of all you survey, people tend to talk about you behind your back, especially in sexual matters. We at BRI were curious about a few long-standing royal rumors.

  CATHERINE, EMPRESS OF RUSSIA (1727–1796)

  Background: Catherine the Great was born in Germany, married Peter III of Russia, and promptly threw him in jail, where he died under mysterious circumstances. She was famous for fostering European influences in her court. She even claimed the French writer Voltaire as a pen pal. But she wasn’t all that enlightened when it came to the Russian peasants, or serfs, as you’ll see.

  The Rumor: That Catherine’s association with her horse went far beyond the usual owner-steed relationship.

  The Truth: No. What the great lady liked best were horsemen, that is, the officers of her very own Imperial Horse Guard. Especially the young handsome ones.

  How It Worked: Catherine would espy a cutie who then had to pass two tests. One was a physical exam, given by the court physician. The other test was of a sexual nature; one of Catherine’s women friends would try the potentially lucky fellow out. If he passed both tests he’d be installed in the palace within easy reach of the empress. She rewarded her favorites with gifts of cash, pensions, and serfs. One of the luckier ones was given 4,000 serfs; equivalent to the population of a small town.

  As she got older, her lovers got younger. Her last lover, when she was in her sixties, was 21.

  Despite the fact that she gave people away as gifts—a practice we frown upon here at BRI—we still hold Catherine in the highest esteem. When she died of a stroke in her late sixties, she was on her way to our favorite room in the house: the toilet.

  The CIA considered killing Fidel Castro by dosing his scuba gear with LSD.

  ELIZABETH I, QUEEN OF ENGLAND (1533–1603)

  Background: Power makes almost anybody sexy. Even a woman with a receding hairline, frizzy red hair, and gobs of white powder all over her face. No, not Mrs. Bozo the Clown. . . we’re talking about Queen Elizabeth I. At least as she’s been portrayed in her older years. But forget what she looked like. The people of England adored Elizabeth. She reigned for 44 years, during which she built her country into a major world power. She was a generous patron of progress and exploration. Under her sponsorship, Sir Francis Drake claimed the California coast for England. And Sir Walter Raleigh, one of her more serious suitors, named colonial Virginia after her.

  But her name wasn’t Virginia, you say? True. Raleigh was referring to one of Elizabeth’s nicknames: “the Virgin Queen.” Which fostered all sorts of rumors, especially the following.

  The Rumor: That the Virgin Queen wasn’t really a virgin.

  The Truth: She probably was.

  But Wait! Elizabeth is still pretty interesting since most historians think she may have been the champion sex tease of all time. She was quite fetching as a young girl and once she ascended to the throne—if you believe in power as an aphrodisiac—she also ascended to the title of most eligible bachelorette of her time.

  She had some serious flirtations in her life, some of which ended in high drama. While just a teenage princess, for instance, she took up with the dashing-but-dumb Thomas Seymour. When his plans to stage a palace coup became known, Elizabeth’s brother—King Edward VI—had him executed.

  Most of the rumors that circulated about Elizabeth’s virginity concerned her friendship with Lord Robert Dudley. He was her favorite male companion, and the two batted their eyelashes at each other for 30 years. (And occasionally bickered like a long-married couple.) But the experts believe that because the subject of her virginity was a constant source of speculation and because she lived a life where privacy was unheard of, any whisper of “the dirty deed” would have made it around the castle within minutes.

  All her life, noblemen and princes from across Europe wooed and pursued Elizabeth, but she kept them dangling. As she got older, and England became more powerful, she was courted just as vigorously. She had the uncanny ability to convince any suitor that he just might be the one she’d share her throne with.

  During the War of 1812, James Madison became the only commander in chief to lead troops.

  But Elizabeth knew only too well what could happen to a queen at the hands of a husband. When she was a child her father, Henry VIII, had her mother, Anne Boleyn, and her stepmother, Catherine Howard, beheaded.

  ANNE BOLEYN, QUEEN OF ENGLAND (1507-1536)

  Background: By all accounts, Anne wasn’t the prettiest girl in the English court. But she had a cute, sexy way about her, which she put to good use to capture the heart of the lusty King Henry VIII of England. The problem was that Henry was already married. Anne refused to join the ranks of Henry’s mistresses (which included her own sister, Mary). She wanted marriage and she kept up the heat until Henry wanted it, too.

  When he couldn’t persuade his wife, Catherine of Aragon, to divorce him, and couldn’t persuade the pope to grant a divorce, Henry decided to start his own religion yeah, that’s the ticket. He called it the “Church of England” a.k.a. the “Anglican Church.”

  So Henry and Anne married and lived relatively unhappily for three years during which she gave birth to a girl who grew up to be Queen Elizabeth I (see above). But Henry wanted a son, and when he was sure Anne wasn’t going to conceive one, he falsely accused her of adultery with five men, including her brother. The only fitting punishment for such crimes was execution.

  The Rumor: That Anne Boleyn had three breasts. (How do these rumors get started?)

  The Truth: Unproven, though one expert describes a large goiter on her neck that some myopic reporter might have mistaken for a breast.

  So What?: Anne Boleyn’s breasts were the least interesting thing about her. Remember those cute, sexy ways? They turned world history in a brand new direction.

  The Europe that Anne Boleyn lived in was all about alliances, and the pope was a major player. The Protestant Reformation, which Martin Luther started, was already undermining the papal power. But it was strictly a grassroots movement until Henry stepped in. Up to that time, no monarch had risked incurring the wrath of the Vatican in such a big way. But Henry liked to take things to extremes. Take Anne for instance. Instead of just divorcing her (we wonder, would she have asked for alimony?), he over-did it and had her beheaded. He was just beginning to flex his royal muscles. As the years went by, he became as bloated with power as he was in his body.

  Weirdly, the “D” in D-Day stands for “Day,” so June 6, 1944, was “Day-Day.”

  Henry’s break with the church signaled the beginning of its downfall as a major world power. It also legitimized the rise of the Protestant religion. And all because of one irresistible woman.

  Anne was bewitching to the end. When she refused a blindfold at her execution, the executioner was so entranced by her eyes that he had to sneak up behind her to cut off her head.

  JULIUS CAESAR, RULER OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE (100 –44 B.C.)

  Background: What’s a man. . . and by all accounts a ladies’ m
an doing in an article like this? Read on.

  Julius Caesar is the only ruler among these ladies who seized rather than ascended to or married into power. (Isn’t that just like a man?) Born to the patrician class, the upper crust of ancient Rome, he was a poet, writer, brilliant general, and not in the least bit humble about it.

  He conquered most of what is now central Europe, which made him terrifically popular with the populace, and that made the Roman powers-that-be very nervous. While they were deciding how to get rid of him, Caesar led his legions against Rome. Four years later, after he’d seized power, he declared himself, not emperor, but “dictator for life,” a title that didn’t embarrass him at all. Soon after that, a bunch of senators ganged up on him and stabbed him to death. That was on March 15, the famous Ides of March.

  That’s what can happen to people who live life that large.

  The Rumor: That Caesar was an insatiable skirt chaser.

  The Truth: Except for that time with King Nicomedes of Bithynia. Which is how he got the nickname “the Queen of Bithynia.” Which is why he’s included here, among the ladies.

  The Lowdown: Caesar had a reputation as an inexhaustible heterosexual. It was well-known that he slept with the wives of other politicians and any queens of the female persuasion—Cleopatra included—he could lay hands on. A popular song of the time warned the Romans to lock their wives away because Caesar was in town. He even wanted to pass a law permitting him to marry any woman of his choice for the “procreation of children.” And for the good of Rome, of course.

  France used taxis to shuttle Parisian soldiers to the front at the Battle of the Marne.

  But in his youth, Caesar visited Bithynia, a Roman province in Asia Minor, and supposedly had a fling with the king. Most of the writers of the time mention it; one of them called Caesar “the Queen of Bithynia. . . who once wanted to sleep with a monarch, but now wants to be one.” At any rate, other people were calling him “queen,” too, and the name stuck.

  Contrary to popular belief, homosexuality was not completely acceptable behavior in ancient Rome. A lot was made of the incident because Caesar, while exhibiting the leanings of a macho-macho man, was apparently a little—what shall we say?—effeminate.

  But is it fair that one youthful indiscretion can spoil the reputation of an incorrigible man on the make? That’s what can happen to people who live life that large.

  EMPRESS DOWAGER TZU HSI OF CHINA (1835-1908)

  Background: The last empress of China started out as a concubine, which, for a girl from the countryside, was not a bad place to start. Especially since, at the time, women in China were held in lower esteem than most farm animals. She was extraordinarily pretty, of course, or she wouldn’t have been chosen to join the imperial harem, which due to hard times, was reduced to one empress, two consorts (minor wives) and 11 concubines.

  Her real name is unknown. She received the name Tzu Hsi (which most westerners pronounced “Susie”) when she joined the court. She gave birth to a boy, the emperor’s only male heir, and with this stroke of biological luck she shot up through the ranks like a rocket. Now she was number two in prestige, just below the empress herself. Her son ascended to the throne when the emperor died, making Tzu Hsi the empress dowager, sort of a Queen Mum.

  Just before she died in 1908, she chose her three-year-old nephew, Pu Yi, “the Last Emperor,” to succeed her.

  The Battle of the Somme cost a million casualties—and advanced the Allies a mere 7 miles.

  The Rumor: That she was a homicidal nymphomaniac who held wild orgies in the Imperial Palace.

  The Truth: It was a smear job, dreamed up by a British con man.

  The Dragon Lady: Tzu Hsi may have been the most-maligned figure in history. The story of her sexploits, along with accusations of cold-blooded murder, was part of a fiendish plot concocted by Edmund Backhouse, the bad seed of an otherwise fine upper-class family. A swindler with good connections in China, he couldn’t pass up the opportunity presented by the empress’s death in 1908.

  In two books published after Tzu Hsi died, Backhouse used forgeries and nonexistent documents to convince the world that the empress dowager was the true Dragon Lady, a sex-starved, ruthless monster who seduced and murdered her way to the Chinese throne. Backhouse even had the audacity to put himself at the center of some of his imaginary orgies with the Dowager Empress.

  The public was more than willing to believe Backhouse’s lies. For one thing, it gave them the opportunity to read pornography under the guise of historical fact. And the empress’s barbaric ways went a long way to justify the British presence in China. Who better than the civilized Brits to save China from itself? Backhouse’s lies were so completely accepted that even the respected writer Pearl Buck was taken in by him: She used his fabrications as fact in two of her own books.

  Why did Backhouse do it? For one thing, there was money to be made. Stories of sex-starved Asian women sold a lot of copies. For another, there was fame to be had. The publication of the second book set him up as a Chinese scholar of international scope. On the other hand, at least one expert thinks he did it for the fun of it.

  As for the country girl who became an empress, historians now say that she spent most of her time at the office. Do we dare suggest that she might have wished for a little more excitement in her life?

  Military tanks were named for the water tanks they were disguised as during World War I.

  DARWIN’S COUSIN AND THE APES

  * * *

  Sir Francis Galton was a Victorian guy who lived with monkeys for a while and liked numbers more than people. His numbers had huge consequences for the course of the 20th century. But despite his so-called mastery of statistics to chart the future of humanity, he never had a clue about the future of his own work.

  Before he found his true calling, Sir Francis Galton (1822–1911) spent an aimless youth as a mediocre student and avid explorer of the exotic East. He set up house in Egypt and Syria where he lived with slave girls, monkeys, and a mongoose. However, he eventually tired of the decadent life of a pasha and returned to damp England.

  COUNT GALTON

  Galton married a stern Victorian woman and settled down to a long, unhappy life of trying to understand humanity by counting things. He strove to use statistics to demonstrate important ideas about life. Some of his work shocked his Victorian audience.

  BEAUTY AND THE BUST

  As a young man, he used statistics to study the fairer sex. While living in southern Africa, for example, he studied the bust sizes of indigenous women, who generally went topless. They wouldn’t allow Galton to measure by hand, so he observed them from a distance, gauging their breasts with a sextant. When he returned home, he continued the theme by creating a “beauty chart” of England based on his own observations of the distribution of attractive women in towns across the country.

  GOD AS A STATISTIC

  Galton also shocked society when he tried to prove that belief in God’s influence in human affairs was statistically unsupportable. He collected numbers to demonstrate the fact that people who prayed a lot, or who were prayed for (like the royal family), didn’t live any longer than anyone else. He also showed that ships carrying missionaries sank just as often as other ships. Galton did use numbers for less peculiar purposes. For instance, he liked to collect meteorological data and was responsible for the first weather charts of Great Britain.

  From 1978 to 1999, American-born Lisa Halaby was queen of Jordan.

  DABBLING LIKE DARWIN

  Galton wasn’t a professional scientist. He was a rich man who liked science and math and had the time to dabble. He decided to dabble in heredity. Heredity was a very hot topic in the mid-19th century, particularly after Galton’s cousin, Charles Darwin, published The Origin of Species, his famous book on evolution. Galton was a firm supporter of his cousin’s controversial theory, and he had a controversial theory of his own.

  In those days, the concept of heredity was as plain as the nose
on your face, that is, the nose you got from your mother’s side of the family. However, no one knew with biological certainty how inherited traits passed from one generation to the next. The existence of genes was still unknown. Galton tried to demonstrate that parents transmitted not only physical characteristics such as hair color and height to their offspring, but also nonphysical traits like talent, intelligence, and even moral character. Successful people had successful kids because of biology.

  SNOB SCIENCE

  Galton decided that Britain, as the most powerful nation on Earth, must encourage their best and brightest to intermarry and have children. The government must make sure that successful people married each other to guarantee a constant birthrate of successful future leaders. Marriage between talented and less talented people would dilute the cream of the nation and doom Britain to a future in which they wouldn’t rule the world!

  Galton really meant that the government should keep upper-class bloodlines pure. It was obvious to him that the upper classes were the superior breed. After all, if the lower classes were smart, wouldn’t they be upper class? (And spend their brilliant youth living with slave girls and monkeys?)