by Amy Reece
As she helped me re-surface from the vision, she said, “Ally, you’re doing so much better today. You put off very little extra heat and came out of it very well. What’s wrong?” She noticed that I wasn’t sharing in her excitement.
I stood up and began to pace. “I don’t want to do the next vision, Cassie. I won’t. I felt him slapping her. I don’t want to, I can’t feel what he does to her in the next vision. I don’t care about the passing out! I won’t do it!”
“It’s all right, Ally. We don’t have to do that right now. I understand. Calm down, please?”
I sat back down and tried to get my breathing under control.
“Now, why don’t you tell me about the next vision? We don’t have to go into it.”
I told her about it; how the man raped Veronica and then apologized and held her. She was as appalled as I and encouraged me to keep trying to see the man’s face. He needed to be in jail, hopefully before he could hurt Veronica any further. After we talked about that vision for a while, I finally got a chance to tell her about my vision of Megan and her tooth. Her reaction was not at all what I expected.
“Did you tell anyone about this?” she asked sharply, grabbing one of my hands. She held it so tightly that it kind of hurt.
“No, I didn’t tell anyone. Oww, Cassie. You’re hurting me.” I tried to pull my hand away.
“What aren’t you telling me?” she demanded. “Don’t try to keep anything from me!”
“Cassie, you’re scaring me. Let go.”
She finally let go, a look of shame on her face. “Ally, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you all right?”
“Yes.” I rubbed my hand, still looking at her somewhat suspiciously. “What’s the deal?”
“Again, I’m sorry, but a vision like that, of the future, is really quite rare. It wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone else to find out about it. Even your grandmother,” she said sharply.
I laughed ruefully. “Cassie, I didn’t tell her, but do you think I can keep anything from her? She’ll know.”
“You might be surprised,” Cassie said rather mysteriously.
“Um, Cassie, I didn’t tell anyone else, except Jack. He was there when it happened. He knows about it. He saw me have the vision and thought it was something bad about his little sister. I did tell him. I’m sorry.”
“Hmm. I don’t know. I really don’t know.” She wasn’t speaking to me. She was pacing around her office, mumbling to herself.
“Cassie?” I asked, at a loss.
She finally stopped pacing and addressed me. “Ally, I need to think about this. Why don’t you go home? I’m sorry I upset you. I’m sure it’s nothing. I need to look into a few things.”
I gathered up my things and left gladly. Jack was waiting in the parking lot for me.
“Hey, how did it go?” he asked as he got out and opened the door for me.
“Jack.” I laughed. “I can open my own door occasionally.”
“Yes, but while I’m here you don’t have to. Now tell me about your afternoon.”
I told him about the strenuous clinic while we drove to The Cube, a BBQ place that has delicious homemade sides. They serve a mean grilled cheese, my personal vegetarian favorite. If you have never tried a grilled cheddar-provolone sandwich with a hint of bleu cheese, well, I urge you to indulge. As we waited for our order to be delivered, I told Jack about reliving the vision where Veronica got slapped and how I was so deep into the vision that I actually felt the slap myself. When I told him I refused to go into the next vision, the one in which Veronica was raped, he went a little crazy.
“So Cassie actually wanted you to go through with that one? What the hell is wrong with her? It was bad enough you had to see it even once! No way am I going to let you go through it again, especially if you would feel it yourself! Goddammit! What’s her number? I’m calling her right now!” He pulled out his phone.
“Jack, it’s okay. Calm down,” I put my hand over his phone. “No, she didn’t want me to. She didn’t know how bad the vision was. It’s fine. I only had to tell her about it. She won’t make me experience it again, promise.”
He looked at me intently, seemed to realize that I had it under control, and finally put his phone back. I was flattered at his concern, but also frustrated. At times like these he seemed like he thought of me as much more than just a friend, but there was no action towards a more romantic relationship on his part. Ever.
“Sorry, but I remember how you were right after that vision, when you fainted. God, Ally, you were so pale. You looked like death or something. I’m glad you refused her. It should be up to you whether or not you decide to block something like that out.”
I waited until we had our food in front of us to tell him about the bizarre reaction Cassie had to my future vision.
“Jack, I’m not gonna lie. It creeped me out a bit.” I paused to take a bite of homemade mac-n-cheese, licking a stray bit off my bottom lip. I know, grilled cheese and mac-n-cheese? What can I say? I have a great metabolism. Tara is always insanely jealous that I can eat whatever I want, while she’s constantly dieting. My mom warns me that it will catch up to me some day, and then my cheese-on-cheese days will be over.
“Jack? Earth to Jack!” He was staring at my mouth while I was chewing my food. Oh, great. I probably have cheese sauce on my chin. Not only do I stink, now I can’t feed myself properly. Maybe I can spill my drink to round out the disgust factor. I wiped my face with my napkin, but it actually seemed clean. Hmm. Maybe he was disgusted by how fast I was shoveling food in my mouth. I made a concerted effort to slow down.
“Sorry.” He couldn’t seem to meet my eyes. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, it does seem a bit weird, because you actually handled the vision of Megan pretty well. I mean, you fell apart afterward, but I think you’re starting to get some control.”
I threw my wadded up napkin at him. “Thanks a lot. Yeah, I think so, too. About the control, that is. I figured she would have been glad to see my progress, but she kind of flipped out.”
“Well, when do you see her again?”
“That was kind of weird, too. She didn’t set a new appointment. She said she’d call me when she was ready to see me again.”
“Yeah, that is weird,” he agreed. “You ready? I’ve got a ton of homework I need to get started on.” He picked up the check and prepared to pay.
Suddenly, I was tired of the double standard he was imposing on our relationship. He apparently didn’t want to date me, but in so many ways he behaved like I was his girlfriend, like always picking up the tab for whatever we did together. I grabbed the hand with the check. “Why don’t you ever expect me to pay?”
He looked blankly at me for a moment. “Uh, I don’t know. It doesn’t seem right. The guy should pay.”
“That’s terribly unenlightened of you, Jack. We’re just friends, right? Friends should take turns paying, right?” I raised my eyebrows innocently at him.
He swallowed. I swear I could hear it. “I, uh…” he said in a truly urbane manner.
I swished the check out of his hand. “That’s what I thought. I’ll get this one, I think.” I pulled out my wallet and counted out bills, leaving a decent tip. I can’t stand bad tippers.
“Ally, come on,” Jack complained. “Let me pay. You don’t even work. This isn’t cool.”
I gave him a sugary sweet smile as I paid the bill. I got up and went to his side of the table and held my hand out for him. “Ready?”
“Jeez. You’re so stubborn. I would have ordered something smaller if I knew you were paying.”
“I know. That’s why I waited until we were done.”
When we got to my house he put the car into park and got out, ordering, “Stay put and let me open your damn door for you. Leave me some pride.”
“Thank you, Jack,” I said with mock sincerity. “You are such a gentleman.”
I’m pretty sure he muttered something like “I’ll show you gentleman” as h
e walked me to my door. I stood on tip-toe to torture him a little more with a kiss on the cheek, but he surprised me by looping his arms around me and pulling me close in a hug.
I loved it, but felt compelled to say, “Jack, I haven’t had a shower. I must smell terrible.”
“You smell amazing,” he breathed, his head tucked on top of mine. That earned him an extra squeeze from me as well as the kiss. God, this was killing me.
CHAPTER TEN
“Say not, ‘I have found the truth,’ but rather, ‘I have found a truth.’”
–Khalil Gibran
The next two days of the dreaded cheerleading clinic sped by with unwarranted haste. Before I knew what was happening, it was Thursday and I was facing the actual tryouts. I had managed to acquire the requisite red shorts and white tank top, divested myself of all jewelry, and scraped my curly red hair up into a high ponytail, which made my head ache. Ugh! Did I mention that I hate this?
Jack and Tara both walked me to the gym after school. I felt like I was heading to a firing squad. I started to bite a nail. Tara slapped it out of my mouth and turned me around to yank my ponytail even tighter.
“Enough, Ally! This is nothing! Get in there and show them what a tough bitch you are! You will make the team…squad…whatever the hell it is!”
“Oww! Leave my poor hair alone. Okay, fine. I’m a tough bitch. I got it, “ I said, rubbing my scalp.
Jack took a gentler approach. “You’ve totally got this. I’ll see you tonight at 8:45 so I can drive you back here and see that you made it.” He bent down to kiss my cheek, but at the last minute seemed to change his mind and brushed my lips ever so briefly with his. “Now get in there and give ’em hell.”
Well. I met Tara’s equally surprised gaze. I turned and walked into the gym in a daze.
We tried out in groups of three, going through our routine, sideline cheers—thanks to The Ultimate Guide to Cheerleading I now knew what these were—and tumbling in front of the group of judges consisting of the coach and upper classmen cheerleaders, including Veronica. I did well on the routine, messed up a bit on the cheers, but truly gave ’em hell with my tumbling. Being so small, I can really get some nice height on my backflips. As soon as my group finished we were allowed to leave. Yikes. It was only 3:30. I had five and a half hours to wait for the results. There was only one spot to be filled with a reserve of three going to the junior varsity squad. I had no plans to accept if I only made JV, since I didn’t want to be a cheerleader in the first place; I was only doing this to get close to Veronica. I kept trying to tell myself this.
I spent the intervening hours doing my homework, cleaning my room within an inch of its life, grooming Mr. Wickham within an inch of his life—he finally got disgusted with me and stalked away to curl up in a warm spot by the heating vent—and preparing a really nice dinner for my mom and grandmother. This is how they could tell how nervous I was: I rarely cook voluntarily. I also found myself going back over the ever-so-brief kiss Jack had given me before tryouts. Yeah, it was short, but it was on the lips. That, in my humble opinion, crossed the friendship line. It gave me some slight hope that I was getting to him and maybe he would make his move soon. If he ever planned to make a move. Sigh. I wished I could be more like Tara and go after what or who I wanted and damn the consequences, but I had used up all my bravado the day I confronted him at work.
By 8:45, when Jack finally pulled into my driveway, I was a complete mess. I met him at the car, not even able to wait for him to come up the path and ring the bell.
“Let’s go,” I said tersely. He wisely said nothing, but simply put the car into gear and took off. When we got to the school, he prepared to get out of the car and walk with me to check the results. “No!” I exclaimed. “I don’t want you to come with me. Wait here. I have to look by myself.” He nodded, trying not to smirk or laugh, and kept the car running.
Nobody else was there. I guess I had expected a crowd of girls, but it was empty. In my mind I had created a total Legally Blonde moment—you know, when Reese Witherspoon goes to check whether she made it onto Victor Garber’s legal team and when she sees her name she’s like, “Yes. Me!” Then she tells her ex-boyfriend how much better that was than being in a hot tub with him for four hours. Yeah, this was nothing like that. The path to the front doors of the gym had never seemed longer and I could barely make out a white piece of paper taped to the right hand door. I didn’t allow myself to look directly at it until I was right on top of it.
Varsity Cheer Squad:
Ally Moran
JV Cheer Squad:
Hannah Gorman
Janie Soto
Mercedes Saavedra
I had done it. I mean, I had done it! I didn’t know whether to be excited or devastated. This would be a game changer. I would now have to actually hang out with these girls and their social set sometimes, and to be honest, I wasn’t too keen on it. Hopefully it would allow me to get closer to Veronica, although it seemed like a high price to pay. I walked slowly back to the car and got in.
“Ally?” Jack asked hesitantly. “You gonna be all right?” He must have misinterpreted my stoic, shocked face and thought I didn’t make it.
I turned to him and said matter-of-factly, “I made it. I did it. Shit.”
He burst out laughing and pulled me into a hug. “I knew you would!” He held me away and looked into my eyes. “You don’t seem happy. What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. It’s just that…now it’s real, Jack. I’m a cheerleader. Now I have to actually be a cheerleader. And raise a crap ton of money for my uniform. And hang out with the in-crowd. Ugh!”
He laughed again. “Well, don’t go dropping your truly cool friends for this new crowd.”
I punched him on the shoulder.
“Sorry. Oww. Of course you would never do anything lame like that.” He rubbed his shoulder.
“No, I won’t. But God, I probably have to go to some of their lame parties. I hate that kind of party.” I turned to him. “You will be attending with me. I don’t care what kind of probation you’re on. I’m not going by myself,” I declared fiercely.
“Yes, ma’am. I like it when you get bossy. Feisty!”
“Shut up and take me out for some damn ice cream.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said again, chuckling.
***
And so my new life began. I now had cheerleading practice every day after school. Jack was able to pick me up a few times a week and we would usually go out to eat, often with Megan, or to one of our houses. I met his dog, Sodapop, and it was love at first sight for both of us even though I tend to be more of a cat person.
I had also begun thinking about something Jack had said after my last meeting with Cassie. He had been glad that I refused to go deeper into the awful rape vision, afraid that I might have to feel and experience what Veronica had felt. In addition, he had told me that I should have the choice whether or not to block something like that out. I’m sure he was talking about blocking out visions during sessions with Cassie, but I started thinking about other possibilities. What if I was able to block out a vision when I felt it happening? I mean, if I’m now passing out at really horrible visions, maybe I should try blocking them out while I’m having them. It would give me a much greater sense of control over my life, something I was desperate for right now. It wasn’t like I was any help to Veronica; I wasn’t even able to see the face of who it was that was hurting her. I was also not very successful in my attempts to befriend her in order to get her to confide in me. Maybe I could concentrate on blocking out the visions entirely. I’m not very proud of these thoughts in retrospect, but it’s how I was feeling at the time.
One evening in mid-November, as I was sitting on Jack’s couch French braiding Megan’s hair, Jack paused in his channel surfing, looked up at me from his spot on the floor at my feet, and asked if Cassie had called lately. Sodapop, curled up beside me, snorted in his sleep and stretched.
“You haven’t me
ntioned anything about her for a while,” Jack said.
“No,” I replied, concentrating on the intricate hairstyle. “Grams said she’s overseas. Has been for a week or so.”
“Hmm. That’s kind of weird, that she hasn’t even called.” He met my eyes over the top of Megan’s head. He knew that I had continued to have more visions of Veronica, as frustrating as the first few. I would see her, hurting, as some man I couldn’t see brutalized her. I was getting somewhat better at controlling my reactions when I had these in class, but I was still afraid of having another violent vision that would make me pass out; hence the idea of blocking them out altogether.
He also knew I was making extremely limited progress in trying to befriend her. She seemed wary of me. We’d talk some while changing for practice, but she hadn’t really warmed up to me yet to the point of sharing anything personal.
“So,” Jack was apparently changing the subject. “It also occurs to me that I have not yet had the opportunity to see you in your cheerleading outfit. When is this going to happen?” Again with the flirting and no follow through. Sigh. One of these days I was going to break and grab his face and start kissing the crap out of him. But perhaps not when his little sister was with us.
I flushed and replied, “We have a pep rally on Thursday for all the winter sports, so you’ll get to see it then. The first game is Friday night. Are you going to come?” I tried to sound nonchalant.
“A basketball game? Hmm, I don’t know. Basketball’s really not my thing. I’m more of a football guy,” he said, offhanded, continuing to flip through channels.
“Oh,” I said, trying not to sound disappointed. “Oh, okay. That’s fine.” I kept braiding hair mechanically.
He got up and carefully maneuvered himself so he was sitting behind me on the couch with me between his legs. “Scoot over, buddy,” he said to Sodapop. The blue heeler groaned and went back to sleep. Jack wrapped his arms around my middle and whispered in my ear, “I’m totally kidding. Tara, Travis, and I have had tickets for days. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”