Joe Bruzzese

by Parents' Guide to the Middle School Years

  Cliques: a fact of middle school life

  Unpleasant as they may be, cliques are an inevitable part of the middle school social environment. Cliques are a lot like the middle school social groups described earlier, with one important difference: they often refuse to accept new kids into the group, even those who share similar interests. These members-only social groups comes to the forefront in middle school as children become interested in more socially oriented activities. During elementary school children are encouraged to stay active on the playground before school and during break periods. On a middle school campus, the larger student population and lack of space discourage this level of physical activity. Changing the social dynamics of student interactions would require an overhaul of the supervision system and a new look at where students could spend their break periods. Currently, students mill around common areas on campus, which are patrolled by school administrators and faculty. At many middle schools the ratio of students to administrators or faculty heavily favors students, leaving opportunity for potentially dangerous behavior. For now, it’s safe to say that the school setting for adolescents is fairly uniform and predictable, which unfortunately means that cliques are here to stay.

  “Being popular is the only place to be. If you’re not in the popular group, people think you’re a loser.”

  —Angela, seventh grader, Nashville, TN

  Why do kids continually attempt to fit in with groups that want to exclude them? Usually, they see the status and security that comes with group membership as worth the potential rejection or abuse. To the new middle schooler, the prospect of walking the halls alone and being seen as a loser seems far worse than any possible abuse from being on the fringes of a popular group.

  The new middle schooler should start learning early on to avoid the heartache of clique exclusion and instead to develop healthy peer relationships. For a child eager to connect with a new group of friends, it can be difficult to differentiate between potential friends and foes. You may need to coach your child in how to steer clear of bullying situations and cliques. It’s crucial that kids learn how to identify cliques, particularly those groups of children who like to exclude or bully based on appearance, interest, or race. Although the short-term benefits of belonging to a clique may seem inviting to the child who is looking for higher social status, the ultimate consequences are often exclusion and hurt feelings. Encourage your child to stick with friends who offer positive support, and remind her that it may take time to find the right niche.

  Bullying in all its shapes and sizes

  Although clique encounters can initially lead to hurt feelings, these often become easier to ignore once your child finds her own group of good friends. Bullying, however, takes exclusion beyond hurt feelings to serious abuse. The classic stereotype of the bully is an older, more physically imposing boy threatening and beating up a smaller boy. Yet today’s forms of abuse extend beyond this style of aggression. Although physical abuse still occurs among adolescents, the incidence of emotional bullying through electronic means—cyberbullying—is on the rise among both boys and girls, thanks to the anonymity of the Internet and cell phones. These virtual media have given bullies new avenues to inflict fear without having to cause physical harm. For example, a seemingly innocent picture from the weekend slumber party can be easily distorted and sent on to hundreds of people.

  Whether bullying happens in person or online, parents need to step up and advocate for their child. The following six warning signs can serve as clear indicators of bullying behavior. Separately, each sign could raise concern. Observing more than one of these behaviors in your child is definite cause for action.

  Reluctance to leave home. If your normally social child chooses to stay home rather than go out with friends, it may be because of a bully. Bullying can occur at school as well as at off-campus social events. In the crowded corridors typical of many middle school campuses, bullies often lurk where traffic is heaviest—leaving their victims little room to escape. With limited school personnel to monitor student movement between classes, passing periods can become a game of cat and mouse for some students. The school cafeteria presents another challenge for students. Lunch lines are easy targets for bullies in search of a few extra dollars. Leaving school might seem to offer relief from bullies, but abuse that begins on campus usually continues off campus. Social environments such as parties or the movie theater have great potential for bullying incidents. Without the supervision of an adult chaperone, kids are free to interact in any way they like, often to the detriment of a few unfortunate souls.

  Missing activities. If your child declines to attend sports practices, games, and other extracurricular activities, this may be a sign that your child is being bullied. The attention of coaches and supervisors is occasionally diverted away from the team or group to talk with referees and parents for a moment or two. In those moments, kids can quickly find ways of singling out an individual, engaging in verbal taunting and subtle physical abuse (pushing and tripping) that can go undetected.

  “Drive me, please!” A child who pleads with you to drive him to school rather than taking his normal bus route may be trying to avoid confrontations on the bus. With a load of twenty-plus middle schoolers on the bus, bullying can easily go unseen.

  Unexplained cuts or bruises. If your child can’t offer a reasonable explanation for the appearance of any unusual marks on her body, it’s time to investigate.

  “In the rush to get the kids moving in the morning, we don’t have a lot of time to spend together. I mistook my son’s anxiety about getting ready for school in the morning for an attempt to prevent us from getting out the door. I later found out he had been bullied for over a month. I didn’t see it.”

  —Dana, middle school parent, Denver, CO

  Increased sadness or anxiety. Adolescents tend to be moody; however, a sudden increase in crying outbursts and anxiety levels could be your child’s reaction to being bullied.

  Steadily decreasing academic performance. A dip from 95 percent on one test to 85 percent on the next doesn’t warrant a full-scale investigation. But repeated low scores, missed assignments, or comments from your child’s teachers about declining performance are signals that may mean there are bullying issues at play.

  Even if you suspect your child is being bullied, the question of what to do about it can be difficult—especially if your child hesitates to communicate with you. Here are three things you can do to unearth a problem without requiring a flood of details directly from your child:

  1. Share observations. Offering statements like “You seem sad today” or “This seems like a rough week for you” may open the door to a conversation with your child.

  2. Investigate. During all the hours your child spends at school, your contact with her is generally limited to, at most, a few quick phone calls. You can fill in the gaps of what you may be missing by sharing a conversation with the adults who actually see your child in the school setting every weekday. Teachers, coaches, and mentors can be an invaluable source of information about a child’s life. If you are concerned about your child’s behavior, turn to this group of adults for insight.

  3. Make contact. A casual argument between friends doesn’t call for a visit to the school, but when arguments turn physical or include verbally abusive statements, don’t hesitate to schedule an appointment with the school counselor. Bring the evidence you have from your observations as well as any conversations with adults who regularly interact with your child.

  Bring bullying to an end

  It may take time to end bullying at your child’s middle school. While you investigate and share your concerns with the school’s administrators, your child will need a plan for confronting bullies should the challenge arise. Sharing these three methods with your child at the start of the school year will help to prevent potential bullying later.

  COACHING TIP

  The longer bullying continues, the harder it is to stop. Confronting a bully the firs
t time, with confidence, is one of the best ways to bring bullying to an end. Role playing with your child will help to prepare her should a confrontation arise.

  1. Speak up. Bullies will continue to abuse and harass their victims until someone says, “That’s enough!” Unless bullies are told to stop, they believe what they are doing is acceptable. Although speaking up against bullying behavior may be enough to stop it in some cases, be aware that this approach may not work in all situations (in which case your child can try methods 2 and 3).

  2. Travel with a group. When kids travel as a group, bullies lose their courage, because a group means more people who might stand up and take action.

  3. Ask for help. Talking to a friend or an adult about a bully can help to put a stop to the abuse. Teachers are more aware of bullies now than they have been in the past, so reinforce the idea that approaching a teacher for help is OK. If your child is shy, she could also express herself by writing a short note to the teacher, naming the bully and what she doesn’t like about the way she’s being treated.

  “I was afraid to get on the bus, go to class, and walk down the halls. Text messages and voice mails kept coming. The worst part was I didn’t know who the bully was. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I thought it would get worse. I finally decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I went to a teacher and asked for help. My life got better after that. The bullying stopped and I felt safe going to school again.”

  —Sam, sixth grader, San Francisco, CA

  Cyberbullying: the online bully

  Cyberbullying—using electronics like cell phones and computers to harass and intimidate—has become the preferred method for many bullies in middle school (and even in high school). Hiding behind the cover of a friend’s cell phone or an anonymous internet connection, bullies can threaten their victims with less fear of getting caught.

  COACHING TIP

  In most bullying cases, kids don’t want to tell an adult for fear that the abuse will increase when the bully is identified. Like victims in most abuse situations, bullied kids may also feel responsible for somehow encouraging a bully’s abusive behavior.

  So how do you help your child deal with a cyberbully? During your next family meeting or weekly check-in (see chapter 6 for more information), bring the topic of internet safety to the table. You may be surprised by the wealth of information and suggestions your child has when it comes to staying safe online. Before sharing your own thoughts, ask your child for a few of his. Among the ideas you list on your family’s plan for online safety, consider the following. MySpace and Facebook have become common additions to many middle schoolers’ social lives. If your child uses websites like MySpace or Facebook, consider keeping his profile of personal information private. Chapter 5 takes a detailed look at both services and specific actions you can take to limit the sharing of personal information. Email is becoming less common among teen and tweens, but if your child still uses it, a shared family email address can dramatically reduce the possibility of bullying messages reaching your child. Sharing access to this account allows parents to monitor for any potentially threatening messages.

  As email becomes less popular with today’s generation of kids, their use of cell phones seems to increase. Cell phone use and abuse can be more difficult to monitor than the family email account; however, limiting incoming and outgoing calls to a pre-selected set of phone numbers can effectively reduce the chance of bullying while simultaneously keeping the monthly bill to a minimum. Your cell phone provider can help you filter and block numbers from your child’s phone. Calls and text messages are likely to form the bulk of bullying threats. The now common addition of a camera on most phones has created a new medium for bullying behavior. An innocent shot snapped quickly between classes can eventually find its way into a bully’s hands, becoming a weapon for teasing. Encourage your child to stay clear of impromptu camera shots; this will help minimize this threat.

  As with all other bullying incidents, the moment you become aware of a threatening email or phone call, or see anything online referencing your child in a negative way, report it to school administrators. Contacting the school is the first step to pulling the plug on cyberbullying.

  Cell phones: middle school dos and don’ts

  Check the backpack of just about any middle schooler, and you’re bound to find a cell phone. These phones have become a fact of life for almost everyone from middle schoolers on up to adults. Middle school students should know that having a cell phone is a big responsibility, and they need to use it wisely.

  Your child can avoid the unpleasantness of having a teacher confiscate his cell phone if, before the school year starts, you take the time to review with him a few basic expectations. In general, schoolrooms and cell phones don’t mix. The school cell phone policy should be spelled out in the student handbook. Reading this policy with your child can prevent his phone being confiscated later.

  Many teachers have their own rules about students bringing phones into their classroom. Review each class syllabus for specific cell phone rules. Teachers may have a separate set of expectations governing cell phone use in the classroom. The first time a phone accidentally rings, most teachers will issue a warning. The second time, your child may not be so lucky. Repeated “accidental” ringing usually results in the loss of a phone—or worse. Some teachers have even been known to give detention to students who won’t keep their ringers off during class. Stashing a phone out of sight, preferably in a backpack, is the best way to keep it from being taken by a teacher (or anyone else). The same rules apply to talking and texting. Teachers have become wise to the evolution of text messaging. Using a phone to text friends during class risks the same undesirable consequences as making a phone call.

  COACHING TIP

  Talk with your child about responsible cell phone use before the school year begins. Agree to a set of expectations that you both can live with. Talking about the consequences before a problem arises can save you hours of frustration and needless arguments.

  Speaking of texting, most middle schoolers now spend more time sending text messages on their cell phones than making actual phone calls. If your family doesn’t have a monthly cell phone plan with unlimited messaging, the first monthly bill after your child enters middle school can give you a shock. Avoid this unwelcome surprise by reviewing your family’s monthly call plan. Most cell phone plans come with a limited number of text messages as part of the monthly fee. Sending more messages than what’s included in your plan incurs extra fees that can add up quickly. If you suspect your child’s flurry of messages will send the monthly bill skyrocketing, take a few minutes to review your expectations for the cell phone’s use, as well as the consequences for acting irresponsibly. Sketch out a plan that seems reasonable for both you and your child. You may require that your child contribute the added expense for unlimited messaging or pay for any overage minutes, particularly in cases of repeated overuse.

  Drugs and alcohol, by the numbers

  As addicting as text messaging can appear to be, the long-term effects of an overactive cell phone pale in comparison to the far more serious and certainly more addictive behavior that drugs and alcohol can create. Among the challenges that kids and parents face in the middle school years, exposure to drugs and alcohol ranks at the top of the list. Although some children will have their first experience with either one during elementary school, middle school can mark the beginning of a behavior pattern leading toward addiction. With greater numbers of students on campus and a mix of older adolescents with younger ones, the opportunity for experimentation and exploration increases.

  Although it may be hard for parents to imagine a twelve-year-old child drinking or using drugs on a weekly basis, the latest statistics tell a different story. Consider the following five facts (statistics provided by the Marin Institute, www.marininstitute.org):

  1. Every day, on average, 11,318 American youth (ages twelve to twenty) try alcohol for the first time; 6,488 try
marijuana, 2,786 try cocaine, and 386 try heroin.

  2. Alcohol is by far the most used and abused drug among America’s teenagers. According to a national survey, nearly one third (31.5 percent) of all high school students reported hazardous drinking (more than five drinks in one setting) during the thirty days preceding the survey.

  3. Children who are drinking alcohol by seventh grade are more likely to report academic problems, substance use, and delinquent behavior in both middle school and high school. By young adulthood, early alcohol use is associated with employment problems, other substance abuse, and criminal and other violent behavior.

  4. Young people who begin drinking before age fifteen are four times more likely to develop alcoholism than those who begin drinking at twenty-one.

  5. Alcohol is a leading cause of death among youth, particularly teenagers. It contributes substantially to adolescent motor vehicle crashes, other traumatic injuries, suicide, date rape, and family and school problems.

  Despite the seriousness of these statistics, don’t panic—by reading this book, you’re already taking steps toward ensuring that your child avoids drinking and drugs. Implementing the following three actions will support your child in pursuing a drug-free life.

  Supervise after-school activities. Parents can minimize the potential for alcohol and drug abuse through close supervision of after-school and weekend activities. A quick phone call to a friend’s parents can often confirm the supervision of another trusted adult and prevent an encounter with drugs or alcohol. However, it requires a certain degree of trust to rely on the integrity of fellow parents to remain present and responsible for your child’s welfare. Sharing a cup of coffee with parents who are new to your child’s social circle can raise your trust level and lower your anxiety about after-school gatherings. You can make sure your child’s activities, whether at home or in public, are supervised, without becoming overly intrusive. Your presence nearby, although not necessarily in the same room, is enough to give most adolescents a sense of accountability. If your concern or curiosity reaches its limit, don’t hesitate to ask about after-school outings. Most kids won’t be very forthcoming with the details of their social gatherings, but it doesn’t hurt to express your interest by asking, “How’s it going?” or “What are you up to?”