Class Dis-Mythed m-16

by Robert Asprin

  The people of Humulus scattered widely as soon as the tornado had faded. I was relieved to have them out of my way. If he was angry before, the Manticore was out of his mind with fury now. He plunged his free hand through the nearest shop window and came out with an entire table, which he used to beat down the rest of the street lamps within reach. Without the whirlwind, Bee and Tolk strained to push the Manticore towards the gate. They were losing the contest. I had to get the rest of the apprentices engaged on the task.

  I reached for a force line, any force line. Unfortunately, Jinetta had been right: the local lines were depleted by the Manticore's lightning spell.

  "Ladies, I'm going to need your help right now" I said.

  "But we haven't finished studying the Manticore yet!" Jinetta complained.

  "You haven't really studied this one at all," I pointed out. "You're only reading books about the species. Put the crystal ball away. What can you see about this one that will help us get it out of town? Use those analytical minds Pervects are so proud of."

  "Uhhh" The three girls fixed their gaze on the beast.

  "He's very angry," Freezia said.

  "That's not interfering with his effectiveness," I said. "Believe me. But, stop and think about it: why do you think he's been here five days?"

  "He's lost?" Jinetta suggested.

  "Look at the jar in his arm," I said. "He's doing everything he can to keep us from hitting it. When he runs into an obstruction, his first concern is for its safety."

  "It's a baby!" Freezia squealed. "He's saving his baby!"

  "Er, no," I said as the Manticore raised the container over his head and squeezed a long stream of green fluid into his maw. "I'd say that it's liquor. He's drunk."

  "That's awful!" Pologne said. "Abusing alcohol to the point of incoherence! I've never heard of such a thing."

  "And how does that help?" Melvine asked.

  "Use your imagination," I snapped. I had wanted them to save the town by themselves, but they really didn't have a clue. Like it or not, I had to lead again. "He'll go where his jug does. Jinetta and Pologne, take over for Bee and Tolk. Bee, you're the best at orienteering. We passed a gum-gorse tree a few miles outside of town. Go and locate it for me. When you find it, stay on the road as close to it as you can."

  "Yes, sir!" The ex-corporal took off running. I turned to the Pervects.

  "Freezia, have you got a good retrieval spell?"

  "It depends on what you want to use it for," the petite Pervect said, matching my businesslike tone. "Is the object animal, vegetable or mineral? Is it bigger than a breadbox, or small enough for angels to dance on its head?"

  "It's that bottle!" I said, out of patience. "Get it out of his grasp and fly it out of here." The Manticore shot another bolt of lightning out of his bottom. "Now would be a good time."

  "Oh, hurry, Freezy," Jinetta gasped. "That blast weakened my spell!"

  "Well, I'll try!" Freezia said. "My goodness, he has a tight grip! I—I can't do both spells at once!"

  "Neither can I!" Pologne wailed.

  Shades of green were beginning to show through my apprentices' peaches-and-cream complexions. In a minute, the townsfolk were going to have three Pervects in their midst. Having been involved in riots with Aahz on Klah once before, I wanted to avoid the possibility. I threw what little power I had left into the disguise spells.

  "You're under wraps," I said. "Keep trying to get that bottle!"

  "I'll distract him! C'mon, Gleep! Hey, critter!" Tolk and my dragon galloped straight for the Manticore.

  Surprised by the two creatures advancing on him, the Manticore stopped spraying the surrounding buildings with lightning. Tolk, looking very small beside the beast, started worrying at one of his big, shaggy feet. Gleep burned the other foot with his tiny spear of flame. The Manticore roared in surprise. His tail lanced down over his head. Yelping, Tolk dodged the spike. Gleep saw the whole thing as a game, and started jumping around, yodelling every time the raging Manticore missed him.

  "Gleep! Gleep! Gleep!"

  "Now!" I bellowed.

  Freezia jerked at nothing with both hands. The round container lunged out of the Manticore's grip.

  She pushed, and it sped out of the gate into the woods.

  "Hey!" the beast roared. He dropped to all fours and began running after the jug.

  "Buttercup, stay with Bunny!"

  We started running after the Manticore.

  Within a few hundred yards the mob had fallen behind. I was relieved. My magik was just about depleted. I let the disguise spells fall away. What power I had left might serve to light a candle, no more.

  Freezia kept the bottle just out of the Manticore's grip, teasing him one way or another, but not letting him run faster than we could keep up. The beast never noticed us, being completely focused on getting the booze back. The young Pervect played him like a fish on a line, reeling in the jug then yanking it back out again.

  "This road is so rough," Freezia gasped. "I'm afraid of losing control. Oh, I hate having no magik!"

  "I can put the Cantrip on you," Tolk said. "I think I learned it well enough from Bee."

  "Klahd magik!" Pologne snorted.

  "I think that's a good idea," I said. "I'd take him up on it, if I were you."

  "Oh, just as long as she doesn't start wearing tasteless clothes," the Pervect said, rolling her eyes.

  It took a lot of concentration to cast an unfamiliar enchantment on the run, but Tolk did manage to bespell Bee's spell.

  "Rrrrrrr!CANTRIP!"

  We all felt the results. The Pervects may have been scornful of the magik and the magician, but it seemed that we were running on air, all the stones and ruts cleared out of our way.

  "I'm proud of you, Tolk," I panted. "Good work!"

  "Thanks, Skeeve!" Tolk barked, racing around us in a circle. "I did good. I did good. I did good."

  "That's much better," Pologne said, reluctantly.

  "I've got a flight coupon," Jinetta said, digging in her backpack as we ran. "I can zip ahead and see where Bee is."

  "Oh, good idea!" Freezia praised her.

  "Thank you!" she beamed. From her bag she fished out a slip of blue paper and blinked at it. "Nothing is happening! I know this ticket isn't outdated!"

  "It's the strain on the force line," Pologne said. "It's nothing more than a thread! Those tickets need a lot of magik to work!"

  "Oh, I hate this!" Jinetta said. "I feel so helpless!"

  "You're not helpless," I said. "Not as long as you can think."

  Fine words, I chided myself, as we chased a drunken Manticore five times our size down the road. I wondered if my students thought I sounded as supercilious as I felt.

  A slight figure in the distance stepped out of the bushes and waved its hands over its head.

  "There's Bee," I said. "Everybody get ready. Freezia, send the bottle after him."

  I waved back to Bee, pointing into the woods. He beckoned to us and stepped off the road to the right.

  The gum-gorse was one of the nastiest pieces of nature that it had ever been my misfortune to run into. Its fragrant, blue-green bark was said to be good to eat, but it was defended from predators by a thick layer of viscous goo and studded with long, red spines that not only hurt going into one's skin, but worse coming out because of their minute, backward-facing barbs. When I'd been an inept junior thief, I once tried to get away from someone I had robbed by climbing up into one. My victim had laughed at seeing me stuck there among the thorns, and left me, saying it was a harsher punishment than he had planned to give me. I had only been freed by a kindly passerby who knew the tree's secret.

  This specimen almost waved its branches as if to say, "Come and get me, sucker."

  I ran up beside the tree and clapped my hands together. "Throw it here, Freezia!"

  The young Pervect flicked her fingers, and the bottle came hurtling towards me. It smacked into my arms. It was bigger than I thought, about the size of a medicine ball. />
  "Oof! Hey, big guy!" I shouted, waving it at the Manticore. "Do you want this?"

  "Roooooaaarr!" the beast gargled. He lumbered in my direction.

  I looked around.

  "Bee! Go long!"

  The ex-soldier dashed out a little way and held out his hands. Using a touch of magik to offset the weight, I heaved the container to him. Bee turned around and threw it to Freezia, who nearly let it drop in surprise. The Manticore peered from one to the other, trying to follow the flight path of the beloved jug. He started to gallumph toward Freezia. She saw him coming, and called out.

  "Catch, Jinetta!" The tall Pervect leaped into the air, intercepting the ball like a pro.

  "Oh! Oh! To me!" Tolk yelped. Jinetta slung it to him underhand. It rolled past him, and he galloped after it, his tongue flying. Gleep beat him to it, and the two of them fought over it, each tugging the strap in opposite directions. Gleep won the tug-of-war, and dashed around through the trees with the Manticore in pursuit. As he passed me for the second time, I reached under his chin and yanked the bottle away.

  "Gleep!" my pet protested.

  "Sorry, but you're not helping!" I said. I tossed the container in a high lob toward Bee. The ex-corporal dove for it, snagging it out from under the beast's nose, and tossing it to Pologne.

  The Manticore roared in frustration. The bottle bounded around him too fast for his addled wits. He staggered toward one of us, then another, then another. His legs seemed to be getting tangled up underneath him. The insectlike tail lashed, stabbing over his head. We ducked under cover of branches and into bushes to avoid the deadly sting. With the container in my arms, I dodged towards a heartwood tree just ahead of the Manticore. The sting missed me. The tree took a direct hit. It let out a low moaning sound, and red sap dribbled down the trunk. The Manticore edged around the tree, his claws reaching avidly for the bottle. Hastily, I heaved it all the way across the circle. The Manticore turned to follow.

  I felt for the force line. It was refilling; the Manticore hadn't thrown a lightning bolt in several minutes. Pologne reached out to snag the bottle and cocked her arm back to toss it.

  "Don't throw it!" I called. "Can you levitate?"

  "I think so!" she called back, her Klahd-disguised face wrinkled pensively. "Where?"

  "Over the gum-gorse—right NOW!"

  The middle-sized Pervect looked doubtful, but she crouched and sprang, just ahead of the Manticore's leap to retrieve his property. Pologne hovered above the tree.

  "What do I do now?"

  "Taunt him!" I yelled. "Pretend he's your little brother!"

  The look of doubt became even more pronounced, but she reached inside herself for her inner big sister. "Hey, Manticore!" she said. "I've got your whateveritis! You can't have it back! Nyah nyah nyah!"

  "Don't touch the thorns!" I warned her. "Everyone else, spread out! Don't let him past you!"

  "How?" Tolk asked.

  I didn't have to worry. The Manticore cared for nothing but getting his jug back. His tail slashing, he stalked around the gum-gorse tree, measuring his chances of leaping up at Pologne. As I had assumed, the branches were too thick. The beast started to climb up the trunk.

  "Yeowch! Yeowch! Yeeee—uhhh?"

  Within two steps, the accretion of viscous sap was enough to cement the Manticore's limbs to the trunk. With total bemusement on his Klahdlike face, the Manticore tried to pull a forepaw loose. It wouldn't come. Neither would the other. He yanked at one back leg then the other. No luck. With a fearsome snarl, he swung his tail around for a killing stab. The stinger plunged deep into the bark—and held fast. The growl died away to a puzzled whine.

  "It worked!" Melvine exclaimed. "Wow. You got that right, Teach."

  "Thanks," I said drily.

  The Pervect continued to float around the treetop, spewing her version of invective. "You're ugly! And Mother doesn't love you! And I don't like it when you blink my cosmetics out just when I'm about to put them on—"

  "Pologne!" I called. "You can stop now!"

  "Oh," she said, clearly disappointed. "I was just hitting my stride. Are you sure I should not abuse it a while longer?"

  "No," I said. "Come down. I want to talk to it."

  Chapter Twelve

  "I think we've forgotten something."

  ALAMO COMMEMORATION COMMITTEE

  The Manticore heaved wildly, trying to pull each limb loose. He was not going anywhere. The sticky gum had merged with his fur, creating a thick felt that could have been used for roofing. He couldn't launch lightning bolts at us now, even if he wanted. The scorpionlike tail had been wound halfway around the bole of the tree. Truthfully, the Manticore looked pretty pathetic. Dribbles of blood oozed out of the long fur from where the thorns had pierced the skin. His eyes rolled with fear as we converged upon him. Gleep flattened himself on his belly, and snarled. The Manticore cringed back even farther.

  "Now, we kill it?" Melvine asked, advancing on the creature with a bloodthirsty gleam in his eyes.

  "Nope," I said, stiffarming the Cupy several feet from our captive. "We just talk to him."

  "What? What fun is that?"

  I turned to the Pervects. "Can any of you speak Manticore?"

  "Well," Freezia said, raising a forefinger. "I did a course in comparative languages. But he hasn't said anything yet for me to compare it to!"

  "Let's see if we can get him to say something."

  I had not spent several years in the Bazaar at Deva for nothing. Most of the Deveel vendors there knew several languages, the better to cheat—I mean, deal—with buyers from numerous dimensions, and none of them would ever let a sale slip by for ANY reason. The usual means of communicating with newcomers was a spell or an amulet of translation. I felt the force line. It was plumping up nicely. I scoured my memory for the spell that I had learned from a friendly merchant named Bellma—for a price, of course. Nothing was free in the Bazaar, but it was often worth the cost.

  The magikal force had resurged sufficiently for me to include all of my apprentices within the range of the spell. It didn't have a physical manifestation, but I felt as though we were now linked by tubes that led from our mouths to everyone else's ears.

  "Who are you?" I asked the Manticore.

  The beast jerked back—as far as he could, covered with glue—and gazed at me. "You speak my language!" "Uh, sort of. I'm Skeeve. These are my students."

  "I am Evad, ensign of the Royal Manticorean Navy. You must be a powerful general to have captured me," the Manticore said. "I bow to you." He couldn't do that much, either, but I appreciated the effort.

  "Actually, I'm a magician," I said. "What were you doing tearing up that town? You wrecked most of the place."

  The Manticore showed his fangs. "They were not intelligent. I asked them where I was, and no one could tell me! I tried to insist that they send for a translator, and they kept hitting me with things. That was rude! I got impatient."

  I raised an eyebrow. "So you got drunk and smashed the place up? What's your commanding officer going to think of that?"

  For the first time the creature actually looked ashamed of himself. His big, shaggy head drooped. "Not much. I have only five days left on my leave, and I'm wasting it in this stupid backwater! No offense."

  "None taken," I replied with a smile. "It's nothing I haven't thought myself from time to time. This dimension is called Klah, though not by the people who live here. They've got pretty particular ideas about keeping your hands off other people's houses, by the way. You'll have to make up for the damage you did."

  The Manticore moaned. "My head hurts!"

  I turned to Tolk. "Can you do something for him?"

  "Sure-sure-sure!" the Canidian said. "Happy to try. Never had a Manticorean for a patient before, eh? Hold still."

  "You are being very kind to a stranger, especially one who tried to kill you," the Manticorean said as Tolk leaped up on his back and climbed up to perch on his shoulder. Tolk laid his paws on the other's shaggy m
ane.

  "Would you rather we killed you?" I asked.

  Evad thought about it. "I might save face that way," he said. "I will go back now in disgrace. An officer in the Royal Manticorean Navy, getting lost in the wrong dimension like a first-year student! Ah, that is better. But, alas, I am sober now! Thank you, brown-and-white being."

  "Tolk's the name," the Canidian said cheerfully, leaping down. "You're good as new."

  "More likely I will die attached to this fierce plant!" the Manticore said dramatically.

  "Not really," I said. "The sap runs when it gets warm. All we have to do is heat it, and you'll slide right off. No problem, apart from the thorns."

  "I will bear the pain," Evad said bravely. "I do it for the honor of our Queen."

  "Hey, Gleep." I put out a hand, and my pet ran to me. "Can you warm the sap just a little bit? Not enough to set it on fire."

  "Gleep!" my dragon replied happily. He dashed to the side of the tree and exhaled. A flame tickled out from his throat, and the brown goo began to bubble. The Manticore writhed and tried to pull his feet up out of reach.

  "What are you doing, O wizard?" Evad wailed. "Would you burn me at the stake?"

  "Gleep?" my pet turned large, puzzled blue eyes up toward the Manticore.

  Jinetta put up a timid hand. "May we try? That is one spell we use frequently, to heat bathwater in our dorms. It would be nice to put it to use in a real-world setting."

  "Go right ahead." I took the time to ponder Evad's pride problem.

  The Pervects gathered around the tree and concentrated. The gluey resin changed from opaque to translucent and began to swell slightly. I had an idea even before the Manticore slid to the ground with a bang.

  "Too bad," Melvine said. "A Manticore head would have looked pretty impressive over my mantlepiece."

  "You are a fierce opponent, Klahd," the Manticore said as the rest of the goo dripped off him in sheets.