Hollywood: Rock Of Ages

by Chris Solberg

  It all became very clear to us really fast. As the man pointed to the restaurant across the way, it was all crystal clear why the landscape looked so manicured and beautiful. We were fishing within the landscaping of a five star restaurant that serves fresh fish, and we were speaking with the visibly upset manager of that restaurant. How could we be so stupid? Bloody Marys in the morning and not paying attention to our surroundings... that is how. The manager treated us like we were a couple of teenagers pulling a high school prank, as we were lectured accordingly. The restaurant manager yelled at us, told us to immediately release the fish or he would call the police. He continued his berating by telling us that this was not funny and the people dining in the restaurant did not find our antics amusing whatsoever. At that very moment, the local police arrived and this of course caused even more of a scene and people began to gather and giggle as we were scolded for our actions. The police lectured us for an additional five minutes, learned that we were from California, and snickered as they looked at our identifications. I felt like a complete idiot. Once I stood back and looked at the surroundings, I realized that we might as well have been fishing in the lobster tank in the center of the restaurant. We left the pond without fish, embarrassed with our tales tucked between our legs like dogs that got caught peeing in the house.

  We returned to Phoebe and Heather’s home and wanted to clean up for the day. The ladies were much more receptive to our arrival. It was only noon and I had a good ten hours before show time. Not three minutes passed before I was face down on the couch and would not see sunshine again that day. I woke up around seven that evening and felt much better. I got ready to play for the evening at the Thirsty Whale. As we thought, the show was great and immediately afterwords the invitations to parties were offered by almost every person in the club. Fantastic! People here were not quite like the rest of the tour. Most people wanted to go to our hotel room, where here, everyone invited us to their place. One particular invite was extremely intriguing. Ernie and I were invited by several girls to go take a midnight swim in the lake. I thought they meant the “Great Lake Michigan.” I would not know they did not mean Lake Michigan until we arrived at some swamp approximately ten minutes from the club. I remember looking at the swampy, stinky, moss filled pond and asking what we were doing at this place? I knew there was a lake not far from here (Lake Michigan) that looked similar to the ocean and did not smell like musty cheese and warm rotten eggs. The girls ignored all of my gripes and began to take their clothes off until they were stripped down to nothing. They all jumped into the water and started to frolic in the pitch black lagoon.

  Things got worse. As the girls stepped into the mud along the banks of the pond, they broke the seal that was concealing what could be one of natures cruelest jokes... the horrible smell of stagnant rotting debris. As the woman pranced in the mud, my nose was assaulted by something that smelled very similar to hot raw sewage. I think the girls were too drunk to realize that they were wallowing if filth that smelled like sewer. They attempted to get Ernie and I to join them, but we were so completely turned off by the odor, we just wanted to go back to our room, call it a night and go to sleep. Ernie and I put up with this crap for a solid half hour. Not much we could do, because after all, they were our ride. Finally the sulfur coated ladies exited the sewage and ran out to give us hugs. Ernie and I did not want anything to do with any of these girls and I am sure our attitudes were projecting this vibe. The girls were extremely muddy, stinky, and flirty. None of them wanted to get dressed until we were back in the car. They walked to the car and at that time, a group of guys pulled up in their pickup trucks. There must have been fifteen guys or so and here we were with muddy naked girls. The guys in the pickup trucks appeared to be a bunch of college fraternity boys out on the town drinking for the evening. Great! More drunk people and they are all men. I had lost by buzz by now and I was extremely annoyed at this point and having absolutely no fun. The college boys came straight over to where we were and without hesitation, joined the girls in the swamp they called a lake. Oh yes, they were having a blast. What the hell his wrong with these people in Illinois? Can’t anyone smell that awful shit odor? Guess not!

  While all of these strangers continued to frolic like animals, I sat on the bumper of some strange girls car. I noticed the drunk college visitors had left one of their trucks running on the far side of the parking lot. I walked over to the truck and sure as hell, this thing was sitting wide open, running and full of tequila and beer. I must have starred at the truck for a solid five minutes before Ernie walked over and asked what I was doing. I did not mention to Ernie that for the first time in my life, I had considered unlawfully taking a vehicle. I told Ernie that I wanted to get the hell out of here and he did not even hesitate with his reply of “me too.” That truck was very tempting, because it could have been my way out of this hell-hole. I opted to take a couple of beers out of the cooler, and leave the truck right in its place. I think Ernie had figured out that if I was bold enough to take beer out of the truck that belonged to a group of college boys that would probably beat my ass to a pulp if they caught me borrowing a beer from them, I may be thinking of “borrowing the truck” to get us back to the city. Ernie pulled me away from the truck and sat me on a rock not far from the parking area. He told me to stay put and drink the beer I had borrowed from the strangers. I listened to Ernie for once in my life and stayed put. I could not see the girls or the 15 guys that were on the banks of the sewer pond, and did not care. I wanted to go home so bad and I remember thinking that somehow I would probably end up being left here, or spending the night out here while the ladies sobered up. Ernie appeared out of the darkness with a semi-sober muddy girl in tow. Ernie explained to this girl that she would have to take us home immediately because we had a radio interview in a few hours (that was a lie, but it seemed to work). She agreed to quickly take us back to our hotel. She was anxious to get back to the party so she was in a hurry to get us on our way. The girl could not find her clothing, so she grabbed a tee shirt that was lying on the ground from the other guys that were parting on the shoreline. We hopped into the car with the half dressed lady and drove off. I was so relieved to be leaving that place. As we were driving down the road Ernie and I were having a conversation about how horrible that lake was and how nice it will be to get back to civilization. “SHIT!!!” Off the road we went and into a pasture of grass sideways, at approximately 50 miles per hour. The stupid chick had passed out while driving. The car came to rest in the middle of the pasture and was no longer running. There was a large cloud of dust in the aftermath of the incident. Thank god we did not hit any trees or rocks along the road. I got out of the vehicle, pulled the half baked girl out of the driver seat and threw her into the back seat. Ernie and I were in shock. We had no idea that the girl driving was that wasted. Crap! We could have been killed!

  I got into the driver seat, started the car, and nursed it back onto the roadway. The vehicle had tons of debris trapped underneath the vehicle as we re-entered the roadway. The vehicle drug a giant branch underneath the entire way back into the city. I remember driving up to the club were we had played earlier that night with this filthy vehicle dragging a tree branch, with a passed out, half dressed, muddy chick. There were approximately ten guys hanging outside the club when we pulled up. We were welcomed with guys yelling and screaming, hooting and hollering congratulations. We were the heros of the town that day. The general comments from the bystanders was; “you guys sure know how to party!” Ernie and I did not say anything to the fans outside, we just smiled and waved, walked away from the vehicle with the doors left wide open , engine running, and the passed out girl in the back seat. We entered the club to use the phone and did not look back. We hung out inside the club with the manager of the bar for approximately 45 minutes and waited for our ride to get us home. Our ride arrived (the beautiful brunette we were staying with), and when we exited the club, that car we had abandoned with the girl inside was still runn
ing with her passed out inside. We left her inside the vehicle, turned the car off and threw the keys on her back. I wonder when she woke up if she ever knew what happened? It was now approximately three in the morning, I was tired and happy to be back at Phoebe and Heathers home. Ernie had gone back to the hotel, and Heather was nowhere to be found. That was fine by me. The Phoebe had obviously been drinking wine by the sight of the half filled wine glass. Here we were all alone and I thought for sure this girl would not give me the time of day. After all, she explained to me that she was involved in a deep relationship with Jake E. Lee and her love was just for him and only him! Well that speech lasted about ten minutes. Before I could realize what happened, we were having our own intimate relationship just like her and Jake. I thought to myself, she is lying about Jake because she did not take any

  convincing to get into bed. Strange how that worked. I could not have looked any worse in my life, and I am sure I probably could have smelled better also.

  I woke up the next morning with Phoebe punching me in the chest telling me I had to get up NOW! I looked at the clock and it was nine in the morning and I had almost no sleep that prior evening. The Phoebe was still punching me and grinding her teeth together as she spoke only moving her lips holding her jaw shut. She said, “You had better get your fucking ass up

  before Jake comes up here!” I jumped out of bed and peered out the window. She yelled at me again and nervously explained that Jake was going to kick the shit out of the two of us if he sees us together. I thought at this point she just wanted me to get out of her bed so she could sleep because when I looked out the window, I did not see Jake or anyone for that matter. She was very stern while she repeatedly told me to get up, get dressed and get out of the house.

  A minute later, the intercom when off... Bzzzzzz. Bzzzzzz. Bzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I looked out the window and saw a man that looked an awful like Jake E. Lee. I began to panic when I realized that this girl might not be kidding. I got was getting dressed when I heard the

  conversation between the Phoebe and Jake.

  Jake: “Babe, what the fuck?? Why does it take you forever to answer the door?”

  Phoebe: “Oh honey, I was getting ready. I slept in.”

  Jake: “Well, buzz me in! Hurry up we are going to be late for the

  interview, babe.”

  Phoebe: “Yes I will, just a second.”

  Jake: “Come on! What are you doing? Let me in! Lets go!”

  I could hear the tone of Jake’s voice. He was irritated and getting pissed off as he demanded to be let in and at the same time, questioning why she was delaying his entrance. Jake is not stupid, he knows something is up. My heart was racing. I was looking for a place to hide. I could go into the shower and close the curtain, but he would probably use the restroom before he left and he would find me. I know! I will hide in the blondes room! I went over to open her door... it was locked! Shit! Shit! Shit! Ok, stay calm, go under the bed. Nope! No room! Shit! Shit! Shit! Ok, don’t panic! Just then, a bang on the door and Jake was yelling something inaudible. My mind was not functioning properly when I decided to hide behind an open closet door. I heard Jake enter through the door and verbally scolded the brunette “Not to fuck around with him.” I am not sure why I did not go into the closet and close the door! Duhh!! Jake walked in and asked what was going on, and Phoebe told him some long ass story about her curling iron was dropped into the sink, the electrical panel blew a fuze, and she had to get another fuze, etc... and that is why it took her so long to get the door. Jake calmed down as her story continued well into some other boring story. I could partially see Jake pacing around the apartment and I could feel my heartbeat in my throat as I watched through the crack of the door jam. The Phoebe scooted Jake back over to the front door as she asked him if they could run down to the store real quick to get something to eat. Jake agreed and just as I thought they were going to be gone, Jake decided to use the restroom prior to leaving. This was bad because he would have to pass by my hiding place to use the restroom. The way the door was set up, he would pass my location just fine, but if he returned and passed the same spot from the opposite direction, he would clearly see me cowering behind the door. My plan was this: when he entered the restroom, I would simply leave the room and exit out the front door and disappear without further problems.

  He walked toward the door I was hiding behind and I swear he could see me through the doorway crack. I swear we were making eye contact. He must know I am here and he is coming over to beat the crap out of me. He got within two feet of me, I could clearly see his eyes, his face... he passed me, my heart was racing, my palms were sweating, and I was lightly shaking. Jake passed my located and entered the restroom. The restroom door closed. I ran from the hiding place. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. I entered the living room where the Phoebe was sitting on the couch. When she saw me, her eyes bulged out of her head and she quietly yelled under her breath, “What the hell are you doing!? Hide! Hide! Go! Go! Hide! Hurry! He is going to be out here any second!” I ran into the kitchen and quickly realized there was absolutely no place to hide in the kitchen. I squeezed between the garbage can and the pantry hoping for some type of concealment. Jake exited the bathroom and came out to the living room. I thought my luck had run out this time. He would surely see me if he even got close to the kitchen. Phoebe diverted Jake’s attention to something going on outside and Jake commented on how weird she was acting and she needed to straighten up. Phoebe agreed with Jake as she guided him to the front door. Finally they left. I walked over to the window and sighed... I was glad that was over. I watched both of them walk to a black sports sedan and drive off. I left the building and never saw Phoebe again. I wonder what her name really is?

  Altuna, Pennsylvania: Cupkake

  Altuna is a small town located in the middle of Pennsylvania and for some reason we had a layover in this tiny spot on the map. This town was extremely dull and we were looking to blow the roof off this place. We were staying at yet another Motel 6 and because of our short attention span, we were not in this city for more than one hour before we were bored and looking for something to do. Everybody that was in this town was extremely overweight, dirty and especially ugly. We went for a walk down main street Altuna, and the one thing that stood out was how ugly and homely everyone was in this town. I can’t stress this point enough! Really! If there was an award for the most pitiful city, this one would take the crown.

  We located a small pub to have some beers and maybe a bite to eat. We sat down and we were greeted by the bartender. This woman (or whatever it was) was a sight! I should have taken a photo of this one. She weighed an easy four hundred pounds, at a whopping five and one half feet tall, four chins and greasy dishwater blonde hair. Her face was flat like a manhole cover, with the largest, reddest, mole on the left side of her cheek, growing out the center of that mole was a half dozen black curly hairs. She had various pock marks on her face from previous acne and a few new zits that were long overdue for a good popping. This ladies teeth were a grayish color and her lips had a white frothy, string-cheese looking material that stuck to her teeth and her lips as she spoke. The white goo was similar to sticky gum that was warm and elastic. Her white tee-shirt was spotted with various food stains and was old enough to have been in a museum. She had a mouth like a truck driver and a vocabulary that must have been twenty words max! She used the word “fuck” every three to four seconds.

  We ordered a few beers and decided to get a couple of sandwiches. We should’ve ordered only one sandwich, because when this turkey and swiss monster arrived, we understood why everyone in this town was so fat. After a few hours of playing pool and drinking Rolling Rock beer, we got our bill and decided to move on to another place. We were amazed how cheep it was to eat and drink in this town. The beer was one dollar each bottle and the enormous sandwich that could feed an army was two bucks. With a good buzz and a full stomach, off we went to whoop it up!

  We wondered th
e area for about and hour or so to realize that we were at the most happening spot in the great town of Altuna. The small pub that was manned by the cavewoman was it. We went back to the pub hoping to find some friendly faces to party with. It was now around five in the afternoon and the bar was filled with approximately thirty after work patrons that were looking for happy hour. Wow! The ugly just multiplied! Guys and girls here were just monsters. We found ourselves having a ball in this place because everyone thought we were the greatest thing since sliced bread. Everyone in the bar was amazed at our teeth, skin, hair and clothing. We were like circus people to the folks in Altuna.