Hollywood: Rock Of Ages

by Chris Solberg

  I would travel to the Neverland Ranch a few times over my tenure with the company to drop off pet supplies. Of course, this was an all day affair because the ranch is up past Santa Barbara, but that made for a kick-back day and a nice drive up the coast. Now we’ve all seen this place on TV, so there is no reason to explain what this estate looked like. Incredible!!!! Like a state park with the most incredible mansion on the lot. It had a movie theatre complete with a concession stand like you see at a major box office theatre. Awesome.

  After the allegations of child molesting, most of the Jackson’s housekeepers and grounds keepers seemed to be fired on a regular basis. I later figured out that they were speaking with the media and selling stories (true or untrue) to the media. I had no part of that. I would be rewarded by Joe Jackson for not speaking to the media.

  “Here’s a little something for you son... I like you, you’re a good boy!”Joe Jackson presented me with a hat that Michael wore during one of his many concerts. I was thrilled and have the hat to this day. I wonder what it is worth? Hmmmmm........

  ElizAbeth Taylor - Cupkake

  Elizabeth Taylor was another one of the many stars that I would assist with fish wellness. Liz Taylor and Michael Jackson were good friends. I would see Michael over at the Taylor residence all the time. Liz was a really nice lady. She was sick most of the time I saw her. I felt bad for the poor woman. She seemed lonely. I would go upstairs to her bedroom to clean the fish tank and she would be lying in bed watching television. She would talk to me for hours about anything and everything. I was always late for my next appointment, but hey, it was Liz Taylor!

  One afternoon, I was working on the Taylor tank when, this big burly construction worker wandered into the living room and asked what the hell I was doing. I did not know what to say to this smart ass. I did not answer him, and that pissed him off. After a bit, I told him what I was doing and asked what type of job he was working on. He laughed at me. I could not figure out what this guys problem was. He finally told me that he was Liz Taylor’s husband, Larry. I looked this guy up and down and thought, “Is he screwing with me?” I thought nothing more about Larry and left for the evening. I was watching “Entertainment Tonight” a day or two after I was at Liz Taylor’s home and sure as shit, there was that guy Larry with Liz! And I thought he was full of crap! He was not kidding, he really was the husband of Liz Taylor. Well blow me down!

  I would see Larry a week later. He was always dressed the same, dirty pants, dirty boots, and some type of flannel shirt on. Larry always walked across the pearl white carpet with mud on his boots. I always got a real kick out of that! It was football season, the San Diego Chargers were on TV and I was at the Taylor’s home on a Monday at 5:00 pm. I was in a hurry to finish the tank cleaning so I could get to the nearest sports-bar and watch the game. I was trying not to splash dirty fish water on the original Picasso painting that was hanging on the wall behind the fish tank. Somehow Larry seemed to know that I was in a hurry to get out of the house, so he comes over and tells me that he wants everything inside the tank to be changed completely around. I was not happy, but Liz Taylor paid a lot of money for my services, so I was at their every whim. That’s just the way it goes.Larry kept me working on the tank until 6:00 pm. and now I was going to miss the beginning of the Charger game. This was a big deal to me and I was not happy with the oaf. It was really strange, but Larry asked me, “Hey, are you going to watch the game tonight?” I answered “Of course, it is the Chargers. I never miss the Chargers!” Larry called me an idiot and stated, “Well, you are missing them now!” I told him I knew and I was leaving right away to get to the nearest bar so I could see the game. Larry invited me to stay at the house and watch the game with him. I did not like the guy much, but then he cracked a cold can of Bud open and handed it to me. Larry loved his Bud. He turned the television on and we started watching the game. He ordered the housekeepers to make us snacks and we were wined and dined the entire evening. I don’t recall ever having so much fun. We could order liquor from the house staff, we had pizzas fresh made to order, shrimp, different dips and whatever we desired. We were spilling beer everywhere on the white carpet and Larry continually ashed his cigarette on the tabletops or in a used Bud can that was half bent from a quick hand crush. We were belching, laughing and carrying on like small children. The poor staff had to clean this mess up. Liz Taylor’s house was in perfect condition. White leather couches, white carpet, chrome tables with glass tops. And we made a mess of the place, but for that night, I felt like a king. I would call home the next day and brag to family and friends about the fun I had at Liz Taylor’s home. I don’t think to this day they believe any of my stories.

  I remember that same evening taking a crap in her private bathroom that was located at the back of her master bedroom. For some reason I was really proud of of sitting on the throne inside her house. As I was sitting on the toilet, I began staring a large autographed photo of Bob Dylan that was adorning the wall across from where I was doing my business. Throughout the photo was a poem hand written to Liz Taylor. I could not tell anything about the poem except that it was extremely weird and corny. I never liked Bob Dylan and this stupid poem confirmed my dislike for the awful singer. When I was finished in the bathroom, I came out to find Liz lying in her bed watching television. I thought for sure she would be pissed off and throw me out of the house the second she saw me. Nope, I think her thoughts were quite the opposite. As I was attempting to slither out of the bedroom, Liz calmly said, “Come here darling.” I still thought “Oh shit, I am soooooo done! She has got to be pissed off at me.” She began to pat the edge of the bet with her left hand. “Come over here darling, come over here.” Well, what the hell... maybe this was going to be just a light tongue lashing. I sat on the edge of the bed and I asked “Yes Liz?” Oh she did not like to be called “Liz.” She quickly corrected me and said, “Its Elizabeth sweetie, Elizabeth!” Ok... I tried to bullshit her for the reason that I was all the way up in the master bedroom and not downstairs in the living area. Just as I started to explain, she abruptly cut into the conversation with some sort of mumbo jumbo that I could not understand. I could not figure out what she was talking about, but I knew I needed to get out of there quickly before this went any further south. I don’t remember how I made my escape, but I always wondered if she was coming on to me. I know that sounds a bit big headed, but what the hell. I was in my 20’s, a fairly decent looking guy. I think I looked as good as Larry Fortenski. Oh well, I guess I will never know.

  A few months later, Larry was banished to sleep in another room. (Liz called it the blue room). I guess this is where her future ex-husbands would sleep prior to the many divorces. Somewhat of a Taylor ritual. Guess what? Liz divorced Larry not soon after our football incident. Sorry Larry!

  John Landis - Cupkake

  Most mornings at Aquarium Stock would begin the same. We would have to clock in and grab our gear before heading out. I would catch a glimpse of Lizzie walking by mumbling something about Cichlids or calmly telling me, “Watch out Cupkake, the scorpion’s loose.” But that could all change by the end of the day and it often did.

  I serviced the tank of John Landis who was huge in Hollywood at the time. Mr. Landis was a very famous movie and MTV music video director whose status was even higher than most of the A-listers I serviced. He directed The Blues Brothers, Twilight Zone, Coming to America, Trading Places, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and Black and White videos, etc. I worked for John weekly and would be amused by the people I would see and meet at his office. John was one of the nicer people in the business and would always invite me to movie screenings. While John was working at the Universal Studios lot, there was an incident that totally freaked me out. While John was a few sound stages over, I was working on his salt water aquarium. Everything went fine until I decided to do a tank makeover for him. A hose that was drilled from underneath this enormous tank accidently broke while I was changing the filter. Have you ever seen a grown
man piss his pants? Well... I think I did. This was a serious problem. The second the salt water hit the electrical strip underneath the tank, it shorted out and the entire building went black. I was lucky that it did not start a fire or shock me to the point of no return. The water, all 150 gallons of it, spilled out and flooded his entire office. This sucked more than you could ever imagine! I was able to save the fish by throwing them all into buckets that I had franticly filled with the tank’s water as it drained onto the new carpet inside John’s office. John never yelled or got upset at me flooding his office. In a city where I saw people get crucified for allowing dogshit to sit on the grass unattended, this was totally out of character, but completely appreciated on my part. Mr. Landis was the coolest!

  LIMOS & SUITES - Vinnie Vegas

  Being a rock star in Hollywood you were expected to lead a glamorous lifestyle filled with limos and fancy hotel rooms. The reality was quite different, but sometimes situations came up where you actually got to walk the walk. Many a band that was being featured on MTV at the time, squandered their nest eggs trying to live up to that lifestyle, and ended up going broke and working for UPS. Indeed, many rappers made the same exact mistake later on and probably still do to this day. But there were a few instances where we were able to soak in the lifestyle and live like true rockstars.

  Spiders & Snakes held a CD release party at the Rainbow one night complete with open bar and tons of chicks. This was a point in time when Liz-Bone suckered some sap into funding the band in hopes that it paid off big-time. Liz-Bone was the king of this hustle and somehow he always found takers. The party started off at 6 which was unusual and lasted 2 hours. This was because the Rainbow never hit full steam until 9 o’clock so this insured that they could have a private party without interfering with the

  normal schedule. This party was open bar which was unheard of and probably a very bad idea given our appetite for alcohol in those days. Indeed I think half the crowd that night were more into booze that night than the band itself. Of course there was a lot of boozing going on as well as a few lines up in the Crow’s Nest. Since that party ended at 8 pm we needed something else to do, so they arranged an after-party at the Holiday Inn high-rise in Hollywood. This was a suite that looked more like a living room than a hotel room and it was stocked with plenty of booze and food.

  Honestly, I didn’t know if I was even invited to the party but outside the Rainbow a limo pulled up and Timmy leaned out the window and yelled “Vegas, get in!” Well that’s all it took for me I tell you whut! Realistically, I heard of the party but thought maybe the guys wanted it to be exclusive with only bandmates and a few hand selected chicks, which I could totally understand. But once Timmy corralled me in, I was there! That’s the thing about Timmy, he never played the game of exclusivity and I loved him for that. Timmy was a man’s man and I always respected him.

  Of course a limo was the ultimate expression of rock stardom and up until that point, I hadn’t been in one since my prom. Cupkake had rented one after one of our bigger Point Blank gigs, but some girl had snagged me right after I got off-stage and I missed out on the whole thing. At the valet entrance of the hotel, we spilled out of the limo like the guys from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Smoke poured out of the limo and bottles fell out on the pavement. I totally thought that this might be over before it started, but the suited valets simply waved us in and showed us to the elevator. You see, this was LA and hotel staff never raised an eyebrow over any hijinks because they had no idea who you were or how important you might be. We blasted into the posh room to find silver trays lined with shrimp cocktail and buckets o’ iced beer. Of course nobody was in the mood for broccoli or carrot sticks so that and the ranch dressing went out the window onto the cars below. This became a theme at all parties from then on. But as for the shrimp, the shrimp we ate like Vikings!

  Alas, as much as I was Vinnie Vegas, Spiders & Snakes were the kings that night and everybody in the band was constantly surrounded by four or five girls. Neither the girls nor the guys were giving me much attention at all which I totally understood given the circumstances. So at 4 am, I decided to bail and walked the few blocks home to the Hooligan Stew pad. Halfway home, a light drizzle began to fall and I smiled.

  She’s only seventeen...

  -Winger

  Rock stars and Movie stars

  Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman - Cupkake

  I will never forget the very first star’s home I entered; Danny DeVito & Rhea Pearlman’s estate. At this time in their career, Danny and Rhea lived fairly modestly considering their “A” list status. This would soon change, however. After a few months of working for the Devito’s, I was approached by Rhea to personally take care of all their small zoo of exotic creatures they kept around their home. What do you think I did? Of course... I accepted the offer!

  The children all had exotic frogs and snakes that required specific diets. The dogs required care as well. There was a team assembled permanently on grounds to take care of such things. I was a part of that team. There was plenty of drama when the food got low and the estate went into crisis mode. I would show up with a special delivery only to find out that there was still 15 cases of dogfood in the pantry. That was considered dangerously low in the mind of a star. Any pantry in Beverly Hills looks like an AM/PM and none of this stuff was personally shopped for. It was all delivered! After working for the DeVito’s for over a year, I was advised by their house manager Bob, that the DeVito’s were building a custom home in Beverly Hills. Every house in Beverly Hills had a house manager to deal with the maids, nannies, and gardeners. I was asked to design a waterfall, and two ponds for the backyard of the mansion. I was thrilled! Here I was 22 years old, designing custom waterfalls and ponds for the DeVito’s. Better yet, I did not have a budget to follow. To this day, I am not sure how much money was spent on the small lake and giant twelve foot waterfall that was built, but it was bitchin’! I gave the house manager Bob my sketches, and a list of the equipment I would need to complete the lake and waterfall. He snagged it out of my hand and did not say a word after. Bob always seemed like he was in a bad mood. That was just his personality. I saw him a week later and asked what was going on with the pond design. Bob grunted at me and mumbled something about an address in Beverly Hills. He added that this was an unfinished custom home that was being built by the DeVitos. I arrived at the house and upon arrival, I paused... then I laughed out loud.

  The home was on a very large lot, maybe two or three lots. I walked into the kitchen entrance of the home and could not believe the size of this place. I asked the contractor on site what the square footage of the home would be upon completion. He told me 27,000 square feet. How many square feet? 27,000? No, he must have said something else! He repeated, 27,000 square feet. He continued to explain that hopefully the DeVito’s would not want to add on more square footage. I took a tour of the home and was amazed at the size of this enormous home. The contractor pointed west and told me to walk through the yard. I was told that eventually I would find the guest home. That is where the lake and waterfall would be located. I took the walk, and found the guest house. This place was 1,600 square feet and could not be seen from the main house. This place was bad ass! All custom. Both homes combined would be 22 million dollars at the time of completion.

  What always amazed me about working for the stars, is the fact that you could walk right in their house. Sure you had to be buzzed in at the gate, but after that, you had free reign of the place. I actually took Vinnie along a few times because he didn’t believe me. We could go upstairs right into the star’s bedroom and see where they sleep! This kinda creeped Vinnie out, but it never bothered me. I always thought that there must’ve been some cameras somewhere, but I never saw any. I worked in this new mansion for the rest of my time at Aquarium Stock. I would see some pretty wild things at this home. Nothing illegal, just very famous faces. I had spent a few Christmas eves at their home, and I was always invited to every 4th of July party they woul
d host. I soon became almost family to the Devito’s and was invited to every A-list soirée they held, and they held a lot. Arnold Schwarzenegger was a constant fixture at the mansion and this was way before he became the Governor. Sometimes Danny would be pitching a fit because he stepped in dogshit and was demanding to know who in the hell was responsible for that? This of course lead to the often repeated and always hilarious scene of all the housekeepers and groundskeepers suddenly disappearing into the nooks and crannies as not to incur the wrath of the patron. The entire house would erupt into a blamestorming session and Bob would have to convince Danny that this catastrophe would not happen again. The only one unfazed would be Arnold who’d be stating in his thick Austrian accent, “Vut? Vut? Vhy is everybawdy in such a bawd mooood? I don’t understand... it’s a beautiful day, vee have good food and vine... vhy all the long faces?” Oh, did I mention they have two beach homes in Malibu, CA?

  Malibu is where the most decadent of the parties were held. I was always wandering around the beach home with an exotic beer in hand or some rare expensive wine. This place was the coolest. The beach homes were side by side. How awesome is that? They had the fence torn down between the homes. This was like one big party place. I remember the same circle of guys (really famous guys) would always be in the same part of the yard and the same time, every year. The circle included a lineup that would change from year to year depending on how their last movie did. This included Danny DeVito, Christopher Lloyd, Robert De Niro, and Jack Nicholson. I would always have on hand at least a half dozen of Danny’s favorite cigars... Cohibas. This is how I could work my way into the circle and hang out with the gang. The first year entering the circle, Danny introduced me as a friend (not the peon pet dude that took care of his animals). Everyone inside the circle was very kind, only because of my introduction by Danny of course! That was weird! They were all introducing themselves as if I did not know who they were. The hands extended and the names began... “Hi, Jacks the name! “Hello, I’m Chris Lloyd” “Hi my name is Robert, friends call be Bob.” I thought about responding “Hi, I’m Cupkake!” Ok, I thought about it, but never did it, I’m not an idiot! For a solid hour, we bullshitted and hung out, can you imagine the topics of those conversations? This went on year after year, with an occasional new face added to the circle. This went on well into the 90’s even after I had parted ways with Spiders & Snakes