The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition.

by Rene J. Smith

  Tenjōkudari from The Illustrated One

  Hundred Demons from the Present and the Past

  six

  WEAKNESS

  AND

  STRENGTHS

  You hold their

  fate in your gnarly,

  outstretched hands

  Sun-Tzumbie said: Whoever is first in the field and awaits the coming of the Enemy will be fresh for the fight; whoever is second in the field and must hasten to battle will arrive, well, past his “sell-by” date. In other words, the early and still mostly intact Zombie gets the BRRRAAAIIINNNS. The late Zombie arrives after everyone has been eaten.

  The clever combatant imposes his will on the Enemy, but does not allow the Enemy’s will to be imposed on him. Crush and slush.

  By holding out tempting “advantages” to all-too-weak Humans, such as opportunities for anger mismanagement, pathetic heroics, and the deployment of weaponry, the Zombie can cause them to approach of their own accord. Or, by “scaring up” all the Hordes in Hordesville, the Zombie can make the Humans’ flesh crawl (away). The Zombie is in complete control.

  Is the Enemy taking his ease at the local shopping center, trying on clothes and looking at watches? No matter. The Undead will gather outside the glass doors to wait.

  AND WAIT.

  AND WAIT.

  Is the Enemy supplied with food? Fine. The Zombie will starve him out. Is the Enemy quietly encamped? The Zombie will barge right in and force him to move. Is the Enemy busy with a (get this) Zombie Walk or Zombie Prom? The Undead will crash the party! The Zombie, is, in brief, a pain in the neck. And arm. And leg. And everywhere else.

  Zombies: Shamble to points which the Enemy must run to defend. Shuffle off to Buffalo. Play in Peoria. Chew chew in Chattanooga. A Zombie army may lurch great distances without distress, if it moves through country where the Enemy is not. Such as Death Valley.

  You can be sure of succeeding in your attacks if you only attack places which are undefended—such as Waffle House, Tim Hortons, or the multiplex parking lot. Ensure the safety of your defense; hold only those positions that cannot be attacked. Go for the restroom stalls and vehicular backseats. Go for cardio-challenged Humans who may be easily overcome. Go for the mobile buffets—families in minivans and groups of ladies who would be lunch. The Zombie is skillful in (snack) attacks when opponents do not know what to defend; and in defense when opponents do not know what to attack.

  Fortunately for us, Humans fail to pay attention to their own Zombie preparedness films: They must always discover anew their need to aim for our heads in order to stop us.

  Oh, divine art of subtlety and secrecy! Through you we learn to appear if not invisible, then ineffective. Ridiculous. Pathetic, even. Hence we may hold the Enemy’s fate in our gnarly, outstretched hands.

  You may advance and be absolutely irresistible if you make for the Enemy’s weak points. Let “shock” and “awe” be our watchwords along with “BRRRAAAIIINNNS!” You may retire and be safe from pursuit if your movements are more rapid than those of the Enemy. Yes, Zombies are evolving, lurching faster, even as we speak (and yes, some of us are communicating in almost-coherent utterings). You know, deep down, you are not in any way irresistible. In fact, you are entirely the opposite.

  Momonji, the old man who waits for you at every turn

  If we wish to fight, the Human can be forced to an engagement even though he be sheltered behind a high rampart or a deep ditch. All we need do is attack another place, perhaps one where he will be obliged to relieve himself. Like darkened rest stop men’s rooms, behind car doors or trees, or—as is often the case in these casual modern times—right out on the side of the road.

  If we do not wish to fight, we can prevent the Enemy from engaging us. All we need do is to throw something odd and unaccountable in his way. Like a gangrene-infected forearm. Related reading assignment: A Farewell to Arms.

  By discovering the Enemy’s dispositions and remaining “invisible” ourselves, we can keep our forces concentrated (and our limbs intact). We can form a single united, er, body, while the Enemy must split up. And if we are able thus to attack their inferior forces with our own superior one, our opponents will be in dire straits. And without their BRRRAAAIIINNNS.

  The spot where we intend to fight must not be made known, for then the Human will have to prepare against a possible attack at several different points. With his forces distributed in many directions, the numbers we face at any given point will be proportionately few. For should the Enemy strengthen his front, he will weaken his rear; should he strengthen his rear, he will weaken his front; should he strengthen his left, he will weaken his right; should he strengthen his right, he will weaken his left. If he sends reinforcements everywhere, he will everywhere be weak. We Zombies, of corpse, remain strong (in more ways than one) throughout all this Human busywork.

  Numerical weakness comes from our having to prepare against possible Human attacks; numerical strength, from compelling our adversary to make preparations against us. Over our dead bodies! But, like the Human Boy Scouts, we are always prepared (albeit not to do good deeds or earn badges, but to grasp and bite and kill), while the typical Human adult is obsessed with finding the next cache of Moon Pies. Or bacon.

  Knowing the place and the time of the coming battle, we may concentrate from the greatest distances in order to fight. It’s our gig. But if neither time nor place be known, then the left wing will be impotent to succor the right, the right equally impotent to succor the left, the front unable to relieve the rear, or the rear to support the front. In other words, we’ll just go to pieces.

  Though Humans still exceed our own in number (according to my estimate), that shall advantage them nothing in the matter of victory. I say victory can be achieved by the Zombie Horde. Though Humans are stronger in numbers, we who are “fed up” with them (or wish to be) may prevent them from fighting. Scheme so as to discover their plans and the likelihood of their success. Rouse them, and learn the principle of their activity...or inactivity. Force them to reveal themselves, so as to find out their vulnerable spots. Chase them out of churches, homes, and pubs.

  Carefully compare the opposing army with your own, so that you may know where strength is superabundant and where it is deficient. They have many weaknesses: processed foods, intoxicating beverages, “adult” materials.

  In making tactical dispositions, the highest pitch you can attain is to conceal them; conceal your dispositions, and you will be safe from the prying of the subtlest spies and from the machinations of the wisest... BRRRAAAIIINNNS.

  How victory may be produced for Zombies out of the Humans’ own tactics—that is what the multitude cannot comprehend. But we can. All see the tactics whereby we conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved. Do not repeat tactics which have gained you one victory. Let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstances. Variety is the spice of afterlife.

  Military tactics are like unto water; for water in its natural course runs away from high places and hastens downward, as do Zombies. (Apocalypse Tip: Basements are better than attics.) So in war, avoid what is strong and strike at what is weak: our Human enemies. Water shapes its course according to the nature of the ground over which it flows; the Zombie works out his victory in relation to the foe whom he is facing and where he is, whether bathroom, Beetle, or boarded-up house. Therefore, just as water retains no constant shape, so in warfare there are no constant conditions. Play it by “ear.” Or eye. Or toe. Are you ready to rot?

  He who can modify his tactics in relation to his opponent and thereby succeed in winning, may be called a hell-born captain, even a Human-devouring captain “crunch.”

  The five elements (water, fire, wood, metal, earth) are not always equally predominant; the four seasons make way for each other in turn. There are short days and long. And the moon has its periods of waning and waxing. As do the Living and the Undead. Right now, Zombies are waxing. And the waning Humans
can’t hold a candle to us.

  seven

  MANEUVERING

  Deviate

  and subjugate

  Sun-Tzumbie said: In the war for WORLD DOMINATION, the Zombie doesn’t take orders from anyone. He takes scalps and BRRRAAAIIINNNS instead, occasionally a liver or spleen.

  Having assembled the Horde, fencing it in until you are ready to attack is a good idea. Cattle pens are ideal for corralling your Undead brethren until the moment is right. Cattle prods, however, are ineffective, but do stun Humans, facilitating an easy kill.

  After that comes tactical maneuvering (and there is nothing more difficult, especially when trying to cope with the “differently abled” in your group.)

  Every Zombie has a special gift to contribute to the Horde, be it an especially eerie and fetching moan or the ability to impersonate a surly hospital orderly—easier than it sounds! Compassion for your homies and appreciation of their individual talents will foster loyalty from far beyond the grave.

  To take a long and circuitous route will be simple for us. We never tire. We have no need of cumbersome supply trains, preferring to munch on the run or on the shuffle as the case may be. In this manner we can entice our Enemy out of the way, and though we start after him, we contrive to reach the goal before him. Yes, it sounds complicated. Don’t think too hard about it; you might strain what remains of your brain. Just understand that this is the tactic known as Deviation. Our behavior has long been considered deviant by medical experts of the Human world.

  THEY AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET.

  Mortals will cling to the belief that maneuvering in well-organized groups is advantageous. Newsflash: An undisciplined Zombie multitude can reduce them to sausage in a matter of minutes.

  Let them use up their energy. Watch their supplies dwindle. Watch them launch hopeless salvos against our superior numbers. They will send their best warriors on suicide missions. We would laugh, if we still could.

  We can amble along at a constant pace, day and night, while they must take “breaks” and “potty stops.” Consider the ludicrous concept of the “power nap.” A sleeping Human is the very definition of “fast food.”

  The Living will attempt to lead with their swiftest and strongest. Bring them on, say we. One or two of our number may fall to the Enemy, but we soon surround and isolate them. Such are the sacrifices required if we are to attain our goal of WORLD DOMINATION.

  And yet, there remain Mortals to shuffle clear of:

  Female Humans resembling Angelina Jolie, especially if armed with large-caliber firearms. They tend to be fearless and deadly accurate.

  Meddling teenagers in “Mystery Machines,” especially if traveling with Great Danes.

  Anybody wearing a cape or tight-fitting metallic outfit. Not only are these ghastly fashion choices, such persons often turn out to have super powers. It would be most inconvenient, to say the least, to have your Horde encased in ice or engulfed by a tidal wave at the crucial moment of battle. (Refer to Sun Tzumbie’s advice on the use of fire and water: This is the misfortune that befell the Horde crossing the Red Sea several thousand years ago. That old dude with the horns and beard had some mad super powers! This was in the days before Spandex.)

  In general, though, the Humans will rush at you recklessly with little or no concern for their own safety. The more you can tire them out and cause them to deplete their supplies, the easier your mealtimes will become.

  Do not make the mistake of responding to overtures of friendship, and even worse, servitude. It’s always a trap. Likewise, do not negotiate with Humans. They are our enemies. Mortal enemies. If they appear to offer an olive branch, refuse to “Give peace a chance!” In the words of Human patriot Patrick Henry, “Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace—but there is no peace. The war is actually begun!” Instead, let them rest in peace, at least until their bodies succumb to the Zombie Virus.

  However, we are not fit to conquer unless we are familiar with the face of the country—its mountains and forests, its pitfalls and precipices, its marshes and swamps. The Humans would like to see us fail in this regard. We’ll show ’em!

  When entering unfamiliar terrain, immediately devour a few of the locals to recruit them over to our side. They can prove invaluable as scouts and guides.

  In war, practice dissimulation, and you will succeed. In real terms, this means Fit In. Take note of local customs. You don’t want to stick out like a sore (and gangrenous) thumb. Calling undue attention to yourself is a sure recipe for disaster.

  Circumstances will dictate whether you remain concentrated in a group or fan out to infiltrate the countryside. Urban settings can be especially challenging, as Humans will seek refuge in the upper stories of buildings. See Chapter 3 for advice on smoking them out. There will be plenty of food on the ground, though. Forage as you go. This is known as (Un-)Living off the fat of the land. Yes, the obese can be very nourishing, if a trifle rich. Eat sparingly if you’re watching your cholesterol—and who isn’t these days?

  Let your plans (plans? We have plans?) be dark and impenetrable as night (should be easy stuff here), and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt. Eat whatever unfortunate creature you land on.

  Everything a Zombie needs to know, he or she learned in kindergarten: Play nice. Share your BRRRAAAIIINNNS. Engaging in a tug of war over your spoils is divisive and immature. There are more than enough Humans to go around.

  ON PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE, OR PSYOPS

  On the field of battle, endeavor to set up a continuous Zombie Moan. The Moan has been known to drive the most hardened Human warrior over the edge of madness. It is one of the most powerful weapons in our magaZine.

  The Living will try to harass you with shouts and mechanical distractions, torches, and pitchforks. Remain focused.

  Disrupt Mortal communications whenever possible and by whatever means necessary. Use your old high school basketball blocking moves.

  Dispatch your most putrid minions as part of your advance guard, in order to strike terror into the hearts of your opponents.

  If you must strike at Humans early in the morning, try to intercept them before they’ve ingested their daily ration of caffeinated beverages.

  If you are able to pique the curiosity of a Human, that is a good thing. Chances are that you can lure him to his doom. This is the art of studying moods.

  The art of self-possession is the art of retaining all needed body parts. While your continued survival may not depend on it, consider the advantages conferred, for example, by keeping your opposable thumbs attached to your hands. Without them, your dexterity is reduced to a level below that of most simians.

  To be well-fed while the Enemy is famished—this is the art of husbanding one’s strength. Regrettably, once you become the Living Dead, your marital responsibilities will evaporate and be replaced by martial responsibilities. Such is the fate of the Zombie warrior.

  Do not attempt to follow your Enemy uphill. The Enemy would take advantage of our loss of coordination. It is better to entice him downhill, with shiny objects or a ringing cell phone, the sound of which Humans cannot resist.

  SUCH IS THE ART OF WARFARE

  Buruburu, a spirit that causes the shivers

  eight

  VARIABLES OF

  ENGAGEMENT

  Be tricky

  Sun-Tzumbie said: In war, the Zombie general receives his commands from the Zombie Sovereign, collects his army, concentrates his forces, and takes up arms (and legs).

  When in difficult country, do not encamp. In country where high roads intersect, join hands with allies. Be polite to everyone, especially your fellow Undead. Do not linger in dangerously isolated positions or in open fields where you can easily be picked off. Keep on lurching. And in hemmed-in situations, you must resort to stratagem. Lunge for arms, legs, and pony tails. In desperate positions, know that you must fight. If necessary, join hands (if you still have ’em) with Vampires, Mummies, and other re-animated friends. We Undead must rely on our esprit de
corpse, as it were.

  There are Interstates which must be followed, and this may prove difficult, considering the rusting wreckage that will choke each thoroughfare. Watch your step! And consider that if vehicles are operational, Humans will rarely brake for Zombies. There are armies and law enforcement agencies that must be attacked, but many may simply go mad, go AWOL, and become easy prey. Note that mavericks among them may be particularly irrational; they will destroy many of us with their heroics, but in the “end” will succumb themselves, most likely through carelessness.

  Know this: If anyone can save Humankind, it will be the fabled Redneck. Or the Human named Chuck Norris. Beware the Living in rural areas and especially below the Mason-Dixon line in the United States. Here, people buy guns and use them. And these weapon-toting folk are eager to fire their Glocks and Uzis at something other than small “varmints” and major appliances. Avoid becoming target practice for these, the Select Elect. Conquer them, so that the South may rise again... as Zombies!

  There are towns and high rises which must be besieged. (Urban areas are a cornucopia of BRRRAAAIIINNNS for Zombies.) There are positions which must be contested. (Who will be first in the queue to attack the Humans entrapped in the Monroeville Mall?) There are commands of sovereigns which must be obeyed, if only we could understand them. Keep in “mind,” too, places to be avoided, such as open fields. If, by some misfortune, you find yourself in such surroundings, remember the wise words of the Human leader Winston Churchill: “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” Gimp along as best you can. And if you can’t run away, at least run amok.