by Bria Leigh
“Bullshit.” I snapped, dropping my sandwich on the plate.
Violet gave me a warning glare. I gave her one right back. “I refuse to fill his head with that shit. She’s not watching over you. She didn’t even watch over you when she was here.”
“Wilder,” Violet said, her eyes narrowing on me. She wanted me to shut my mouth.
Bing dropped his head and picked at his sandwich.
“She was selfish. She tolerated us and barely. Bing almost died because of Silas. And she was the one who brought him around.”
“The woman is dead.” Violet shook her head, touching Bing’s hand. She tried comforting him. “Bing, your brother is just angry. And we both know how much of an asshole he can be when he gets like this.”
“I don’t believe you. You don’t hate Mom. If you hated her you wouldn’t have come around.” He stared me down. “You feel just as bad as I do, and you know it.”
“I came around for you.”
“Admit it, Wilder. You feel bad too.” He slammed his hand down on the table. “Say it.”
Violet looked at me. Her hand went up to her mouth, and she waited for me to say something.
“I don’t feel bad, Bing. I want to feel bad. But I don’t. I’m angry. I almost lost you. That makes me angry.” I sighed.
I got up. I needed to hug the kid. I grabbed him up by his shirt, and when he was on his feet, I wrapped my arms around him — trying to be the brother I knew how to be. Not this guy filled with hate and disinterest. He hugged me back, and it felt like forever before he finally let go.
“You ready to do this?” I asked him, rustling his hair.
He nodded, wiping his eyes. He’d been crying, that’s why he took so long to let go.
“I’ll get the box,” Violet told me, heading back to the car.
“She’d make a good mom,” Bing said.
“What?” That caught me off guard.
“If you ever decide to settle down, do it with Violet. She’d be a good mom. And you’d be a good dad.”
Fuck. I ran a hand through my hair. “Thanks, kid.”
“Is she your girlfriend now?”
“Yeah. She is. What do you think about that?”
“I think that’s what was always supposed to happen.”
Violet smiled, bringing the box carefully back over to us. I was going to marry that girl one day. Every time I looked at her, I saw more and more of our future.
“Okay. So how do we do this?” She gave the box to me and pinned her hair back with a clip, taking a look around for a spot to send her off.
I opened the box. It was the first time I was looking at her. I pulled the plastic bag out and prepared myself. “Bing lead the way.”
Bing headed closer. He waved us across the sandy ground and dropped down touching the water. “I say right here.”
We all gathered as I tore the bag open. I looked up at Bing. “Are you dumping her?”
“You do it,” he said.
I nodded, tipping the bag upside down. I watched her ashes fall into the water until there was nothing left. And just like that it was done. It was over. She could be a memory if I wanted or something I chose to forget. It was my decision.
“See ya, mom,” Bing said, standing up. He started walking along the sand, picking up rocks and skipping them.
Violet took my hand. “You should say something.”
I looked over at her. “To who?”
“To your mother.”
We followed behind Bing, hand in hand. The wind was picking up now that Mom was where she needed to be. Violet’s hair was dancing around in the breeze. Her cheeks pink from the chill in the air.
“You know I don’t believe it that stuff, Vi.”
“Just do it.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I told her.
“Alright, fine. I’ll do it.” She held her hair down, not giving it a second thought. “Thank you, Julie, for bringing Wilder into this world so he could come into my life. Thank you for the gift that is Wilder. You have one truly remarkable son. Actually two. And I promise you I will be there for them.”
I could think of a million bad things to say about her, all the things she did wrong. But when it came to even a few good things, it was hard. “You made me angry, bitter and resentful. But you also made me strong. You made me a fighter without even knowing that you did. I want to be a good person because of you. Maybe you didn’t know how to do it yourself. But I know I can figure it out. And I know I can be there for Bing and teach him how to be a good person too.”
“See,” Violet smiled, happy that I could do it. She was forever turning the negative into something positive.
I liked that about her.
AFTER MOM’S MEMORIAL, we drove home, and life went on.
Luna went to visit with her mom. Bing decided he wanted to give school another try, and he went back. I went to work and came home. Death took a back seat, waiting for the next time it would strike.
I tugged my work boots off and dropped them at the door. I was exhausted, my back hurt, and my head was killing me.
Violet said I was a little more on edge and less relaxed now. Maybe I had changed. I wasn’t sure. I had more on my plate. A girlfriend to impress and a brother to raise—it was a lot of responsibility.
I got used to being solo, dropping in to see Bing a couple of times a week. I talked to Violet on the phone about school not to her face every day. I didn’t even know if she was going back to school. We hadn’t talked about it.
We hadn’t talked about a lot of things, and some things were weighing on my mind. Things I didn’t risk before Violet. I was so into sex with Violet; we glossed right over protecting ourselves. And neither one of us had brought it up. If we couldn’t bring it up, we definitely shouldn’t be doing it. I didn’t need a kid right now.
I pulled a beer from the refrigerator and sat down on the couch, cracked it open and turned on the television. I could always get lost in a good football game.
Violet came through the door and set Chinese on the coffee table. “I got dinner.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you hungry?” She bent down and kissed my cheek, tousling my hair.
“Yeah, starving.” I made room for her on the couch.
She took the spot next to me. “Bing!”
“I think he’s asleep.”
“You think?” She handed me chopsticks and got up. “Wilder. He’s twelve. He has to eat and bathe and do all that stuff.”
I rolled my eyes, putting the food down. I stood up. Violet was already checking on Bing. I could check his backpack and make sure he did his homework.
I grabbed his backpack off the hook by the door and started unzipping it. There was a blue truck parked outside of my house.
I waited, watching as the guy climbed out. His eyes moved from across the street back over to my house: gray eyes and a shaved head. I’d remember him for the rest of my life.
He started up the path to my steps, and my heart kicked up speed. I dropped Bing’s backpack on the floor and went out the door.
“Can I help you?” It had been years since I stood face to face with James Austin. Now we were on the same level. I’d grown up to be the same size as the son of a bitch.
“Yep. I think you can.” He raised his chin looking me over. “Wilder, is that you?”
I swallowed. James was no better than any of her boyfriends. The only difference with this one—he was Bing’s father.
“That’s me.” I slammed the door shut. I didn’t want him here. “What do you want?”
He wasn’t playing games. It was all over his smug face. “I think you know why I’m here. I want to see my son.”
I shook my head. “That’s not going to happen.”
He stepped closer, and this time fear wasn’t coursing through me like when I was younger. I wasn’t scared of him. I just wanted to break his nose. I balled my fist.
“We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Your choice.
” He stared me down.
Violet got in the middle of us when she came out of the door. She was not going to have any of it. “What is going on?”
I refused to look away first. “He was just leaving.”
“Who is he?”
“He’s nobody,” I glared.
He chuckled and gave me half a grin. “I’m the man about to kick your ass if you don’t let me see my boy.”
Violet shoved me back before I tried kicking his ass first. She spun around and looked up at him. “You’re Bing’s father?”
He nodded.
She held onto my wrist. She was pressing herself into me so I couldn’t come forward and beat the fuck out of him.
Why was she so sure she could keep me away from him? I could toss her to the side and do what I wanted. I was about to.
“You could have called,” she told him. “You can’t just show up here.”
“I don’t have a number.” He rubbed at his chin. “This was the easiest way to get in touch after a letter, which I sent. I take it you threw it in the garbage?”
I gritted my teeth. I wasn’t going to admit anything to him. I just wanted him to leave. Violet squeezed my wrist, reminding me to keep my shit together.
“Bing has been with Julie his entire life.” Violet squeezed my wrist even tighter. “You can’t just come here and expect Wilder to let him go with you.”
He shook his head and pulled a paper out of his back pocket. “This paper right here says that’s exactly what I can do.”
I broke her grip and grabbed the paper. I read it over. “She signed this?”
He nodded. “A couple of years ago, she did. Your mother and I made arrangements for our son. If anything happened to her, she wanted him with me.”
Not me. Him. It was bullshit, but it was right there in black and white. Violet pulled my arm down to her level so she could read over the paper. When she did she looked just as deflated as I felt when she looked at him.
Her face fell her features tensed. She looked angry.
I turned away, rubbing at my neck. Sick to my stomach. Mom and James made plans. Fucking plans for their kid. Something I never thought Mom would do. For once, she was thinking about Bing—and crushing my soul at the same time. Always soul-crushing.
“I’m all he’s got left,” I said softly, I couldn’t look at him.
“That’s not true,” he said.
My heart crumbled in my chest. Because I knew it was the end. I was going to lose my brother. I wasn’t in the position to do anything about it. And I didn’t want to admit it, but he looked like he had his shit together like he said in the letter. He was a far cry from the mess I remembered when I was a kid.
“I own my own home. I am married. Bing has two other siblings close to his age. I can take care of Bing. I want to take care of Bing.”
“You own your own home,” I said back. “Where the fuck have you been then?”
Was his terrific life supposed to make me feel better? Was I supposed to feel okay about wanting to hand over my brother? All I wanted to do was put my fist through something. I wasn’t going to congratulate him for wanting to be a good father.
I refused to do it.
I wanted to remind him that he put his hands on my mother when I was younger, that he left her as soon as she was pregnant and never even visited. Maybe he never put his hands on me, but his absence hurt my brother. His absence made Bing feel unimportant.
I wanted to scream at him. Tell him to get the fuck away from my house and never come back. But I couldn’t.
I handed back the paperwork.
“Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” He asked.
“Yes. Fucking tomorrow.”
“He can come home with me tomorrow?”
If he asked me one more time, I was going to change my mind.
I was going to pack up Bing and get in the car and drive far away from everything and everyone if he asked me one more time.
“He can come home with you tomorrow. Just give me the night to pack his things and tell him goodbye.”
He thought about it and extended his hand. “You got a deal.” We shook, and I held back the pain settling into my bones.
“Great.”
“You’re not going to try and take off are you?” He raised an eyebrow at me.
Violet stayed quiet letting me take care of it all.
“I’m not an idiot.” I told him.
“Alright. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” He tucked the paper back in his back pocket and started down the stairs. “Thank you, Wilder.”
I didn’t answer. I just watched him head back to his truck.
I had one last chance to refuse. To beat him to a pulp. Make him stay away. But it wouldn’t end well, and I knew it.
So, I just waved and walked back inside the house.
Violet pulled the door shut and rushed over to me. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head. That’s all I could do.
Violet
BING WAS LEAVING.
I sat next to Wilder on his bed and rubbed his back. Rubbing it in big circles like I did since we were kids when he wasn’t feeling happy.
Bing was still asleep in his room and unaware he was going to lose his brother.
Wilder hadn’t said a word. He was devastated. There wasn’t a whole lot to say. What would it change? His life was falling apart. He was losing his little brother, and Bing meant the world to him.
The look on his face as he read over that paper, I would never forget it. I could see his heart breaking. I could feel his pain, knowing Bing was no longer his. I didn’t know what to do to make him feel better. I wanted to make him feel better, but I didn’t know how.
He curled up on the bed, shutting the world out. I waited for him to say something. But he didn’t. He just shut his eyes. I usually was the one getting comforted. I didn’t do the comforting. No matter how bad life was for Wilder, he still managed to get through it and hold my hand through all my shit.
What a sick joke. His mother never did anything right. And the one time she did, it still ruined everything.
I rubbed his back, curling up behind him, I promised him I was there. I would be there for as long as he needed it.
“I just want to be alone,” he whispered.
“Okay.” It hurt a little.
“I love you,” he said softly.
I kissed his head and left him alone, pulling the door shut behind me. And I was crying in the hallway, covering my mouth, so I didn’t wake Bing. My heart breaking for both of them. For myself because this wasn’t going to end well.
I loved Bing like a little brother. I was going to miss him too. I ran out the front door and across the street to my house. And when I got inside, I yelled for Mom.
She rushed downstairs, a frightened look on her face. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m not.” I ran to her, wrapping my arms around her. “He’s taking Bing. Wilder is losing Bing, and there’s nothing he can do about it.”
My mom’s fingers gripped me even tighter. She started crying right along with me. We held each other and cried. Ugly cries with snot and jagged breaths full of pain.
After a few minutes, she pulled herself together and wiped my eyes, and we went into the living room. I explained the entire thing. And we cried again.
“Maybe this is for the best,” she said, letting out a ragged breath. She wiped at her eyes. “Maybe this is what Bing needs.”
We could say maybe all we wanted. We both knew Wilder was going to fall apart. He didn’t grieve his mother but he would grieve losing Bing.
Mom got us some tissues, and we cleaned ourselves up. “You are strong. I know you can help him through this.”
“Mom. I don’t know what to do to fix this.”
“He’s going to fall apart. He’s going to lash out at all of us and everything. Don’t take it personally. His heart is breaking.”
“What if he won’t let me be there?”
> She grabbed my shoulders. “Violet, you were meant to be there for Wilder. And Wilder was meant to be there for you. Don’t let him push you away. Don’t let him fall apart.”
I WENT BACK OVER TO Wilder’s and slept on the couch giving him the space he wanted.
I hardly slept. I laid there worrying about him and what he was going to do now that Bing was leaving — afraid that I wouldn’t be able to fix it.
There was no guarantee I even had what it took to get through this with Wilder.
I was as fucked up as he was.
He came into the living room and sat down. I opened my eyes. He looked like shit. Dark circles showed beneath his eyes. He scrubbed a hand over the stubble on his face.
“Rough night.”
“Yeah.”
“Life just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?” He said.
“Always.”
“How’d you sleep?” he asked.
In all this mess, he still cared about me and how I was doing. I loved that about him.
“I hardly slept,” I admitted. “I just laid there thinking about everything.”
“Yeah. Me too. Bing went to school?”
I shook my head, reaching out my hand.
He came over and dropped down on the floor leaning against the couch and I ran my fingers through his hair.
“Is this really happening?”
It’s really happening. This nightmare isn’t ending for you.
“It is and I’m sorry,” I said.
“It’s not your fault.”
I kissed the top of his head and pulled him close. He held onto my arm.
“What about school?”
“What about it?” How was he even asking about that at a time like this.
“I know you have to go back soon,” he said.
“School doesn’t matter. You matter.” I was going to be there for him and he needed to realize I wasn’t going anywhere. He wasn’t going to go through it alone. “I’m not going back.”
It didn’t matter where I went to school. I could get an education right here. What mattered was saving Wilder from the grief he was going to go through when Bing walked out that door.
“I don’t want you to ruin your life for me.”