by Bria Leigh
I pulled away and sat up. “What?” He wasn’t ruining my life. He was my life. I blinked, taking it in.
He was pushing me away just like my mother said he was going to do. And I couldn’t let him.
He tried to stand up. I yanked him back down by the back of his shirt. “You don’t get to do that.”
“Do what?”
“Shut me out. Fall apart and push me away.”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. His eyes red-rimmed, he shrugged, low on patience “I’m not pushing you away. I want one of us to be happy and live a happy life.”
“I am happy.” I sighed. “My life is happy because of you. Not being here with you wouldn’t make me happy. That’s what you don’t understand.”
He tipped his head back and shut his eyes. He was full of worry. The pain was written all over his face. The tension was growing thicker in the room. “I can’t do this right now. I don’t know how to do this.”
This hurt. “You can’t do what?”
“Be with you.” He didn’t want to hurt me. He was trying to do the selfless thing and protect me from the shit storm that was about to come rolling in.
“You are not going to break up with me, Wilder. You’re going through so much right now.” He needed me.
“I can’t help Bing anymore. But I can help you by letting you go back to school. By letting you go. Things can go back to the way they were before all of this.”
I looked away. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want things to be the way they were before. I didn’t want to fight him tooth and nail to make him love me. Or beg him to let me be there for him.
He was there for me my entire life. He didn’t run away. He did whatever he needed to do to make me okay again.
He was selfless, and I knew I could be that for him. I could be the strong one when he was weak.
I could be everything he needed me to be.
“Things aren’t the same. I’m going to lose Bing. It's not going to be the same. I can’t be who you need to be when I’m all fucked up over this shit with Mom and Bing.”
“I don’t care.”
“Well, I do.”
He refused to look at me. Now he was the one looking away.
“I will not let you push me away. I’m not going back to school. I am staying right here with you.” I crossed my arms. “Do you hear me?”
When he didn’t say anything, I kicked the coffee table. “You were always there for me. I’m here for you. So stop being an asshole and let me.”
Fighting to stay with Wilder was not what I thought would be happening. I came home to help him grieve his mother. He wasn’t supposed to lose Bing too.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
“Then, don’t hurt me.”
“How do you suppose I make sure that isn’t going to happen?”
I wasn’t sure how he could do that because this journey we were about to embark on was going to be an awful one.
We were in for a fight. Wilder was going to tear me down. He was going to break my heart. There was going to be a lot of tears and pain. And I needed to be strong and get through it. I hoped I could.
We were always picking up the pieces, always struggling to make it through something. Always broken.
“You know I love you more than anything. If I hurt you, I couldn’t forgive myself,” he said. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his cheek against the top of my head — his fingers in my hair.
“You won’t.”
“I probably will, Vi. I don’t know how I am going to get through this.” He let out a tired breath.
I touched his face, looking up at him. I’d never been so sure about something. “We are going to get through this together.”
Wilder
I STARED AT THE FOOTBALL.
It wasn’t the football. It was more the memory behind the football. I taught Bing how to play. I spent years throwing the ball around with that kid, years of conversations connected to passing that ball around. And he still had it. Worn and dingy, it held a lot of memories. I tossed it into the box with his other stuff.
I started packing up his pokemon cards. I still didn’t get it, but he enjoyed them. Now I wished I’d paid a little more attention to his hobbies.
I pushed in the little wooden chair at his desk. He never did homework there like he was supposed to. I always caught him lying on the floor with the book under his nose. He liked it that way.
I was packing up his room, all of his things. They all fit in two boxes, all his possessions, and memories. I pulled the pictures tacked to the pegboard and smirked at one of us together. We both had the same smile.
He was a good looking kid. He was going to get a lot of girls. I wouldn’t be there to guide him through it. Probably for the best because I didn’t know shit about relationships.
I’d have probably just told him to take care of whoever he fell for. Always make her smile. Keep her happy and find a way to make her laugh when she was sad. Most of all, support her.
I woke up dreading this moment. I forced myself into Bing’s room while he was at school. So I could get it done without him standing around watching me send him away.
Bing knew he was leaving. I broke it to him fast. Just like the band-aid, you ripped it off quickly to avoid the pain and agony. I held back the tears.
I told him he belonged with his father. That it was the right thing to do, I lied when I told him I thought he would have a better life there instead of with me. I forced a smile and assured him things were going to work out—that he was going to be happy. That I would always be there for him, but he had a chance to have a family, and he should take it.
I was his fucking family. Now I had to let that go.
And being the strong kid he was, he agreed with me. Held his head high and told me it was all going to work out just fine. He put on a smile and said that he was going to be okay.
I went to my room and took one of my old t-shirts out of the closet and folded it up. I put it in Bing’s box of stuff. I wanted him to have something of mine. Maybe it would make him feel a little better when he was down. I went back to my room and grabbed a baseball cap, even a bottle of my cologne. I threw it all in the box and slapped it shut, shoving it away. I was going to miss the little fucker.
I picked up the box and walked it out to the porch and put it down. And then I went in for the next one.
Things might have been falling apart for me, but I hoped they would come together for Bing.
“ALRIGHT, ONE MORE HUG,” Violet grabbed Bing and wrapped her arms around him again. “Make sure you call and tell us how everything is going. Call whenever you want. Okay?”
Bing nodded.
I was having a hard time not breaking down in front of him as we stood on the porch, waiting for his dad to pull up.
“I made you your favorite cookies. Oatmeal without raisins,” Lorna said, handing over a Tupperware container.
“Thanks, Lorna.” Bing set them on top of his box of stuff.
I crossed my arms, keeping my eyes on the street, waiting for it all to happen. The moment I’d been sick over.
“We’re going to go inside and clean up,” Violet said. “Make sure you tell him you’re going to miss him.” She kissed my cheek and left us alone.
I took a seat on the steps and looked at him. “Come sit down. I have a lot of shit to tell you before you take off.”
“Like what?” he sat down next to me, tugging his baseball hat down.
“I don’t know. Just stuff.” I sighed. “If you ever need me call me. This doesn’t change anything. I’m still here for you.”
“I know.”
“But you’re going to be two states away now. So, it’s going to take a lot longer to get to you.”
“Yeah.” Bing wouldn’t look at me.
“You’re going to start liking girls soon. Don’t be a douche. Treat them with respect. When you find the one you like, always make her feel like she is the mos
t important person in the room.”
Bing twisted his hands. “Okay. But what if I don’t like it there?”
“You’ll like it there. Your dad’s got his shit together. He has kids. It’s everything you never had living here.”
“But what if I don’t?”
I exhaled. “If you don’t, then you call me. And we’ll figure something out.”
“Okay.”
“Respect your father. Don’t give him a hard time because you are feeling nervous about the new place. And if he’s a complete asshole, you have permission to punch him and head for the hills.” We both laughed, but it was true, and I meant it.
“Take care of yourself.” Bing elbowed me. “You don’t always do that. Especially when you’re stressed out, so please do it. I don’t want to worry about you while I’m trying to adjust to my new life.”
Shit. “I’ll take care of myself. And I want you to call me every night. And make at least two friends at the new school.”
“I was thinking three.”
I shrugged. “Threes fine. But you’re the leader. You are not a follower. Don’t get into any stupid shit. No drugs. No fighting unless they deserve it. And no dumb stunts that could get you killed.”
“I know. I know.”
How did you put years of advice into a few minutes? It wasn’t possible. But I was trying.
“Use condoms. Don’t kiss and tell your friends. Be honest. And always remember you deserve the world.” I grabbed him and hugged him tight. “I’m going to fucking miss you. But this is good. This is what you need.”
James pulled into the driveway. Followed by a small suv with a blonde in the drivers seat.
“Well, I’ll be damned... he looks just like you,” the blonde said, slamming her door shut. She went right up to Bing and wrapped him in a hug. “You are just as handsome as your daddy.”
His dad smirked, finding that funny. He nodded at me. “This is Charlotte. My lovely wife. She wanted to come to meet you before ...” He didn’t finish his sentence.
“Before you took your son home,” I told him. I had to be okay with it. I extended a hand to Charlotte. “Nice to meet you.”
He looked at the boxes on the porch. “Those his?”
I nodded. “Yep. You sure you don’t want his bed?”
He shook his head. “The old lady went out and got him all new shit. Leave it here. That way, he has something to sleep on when he visits.”
He reached out his hand, and I took it, I only expected a handshake, but he pulled me in clapping a hand down on my back. “He’s in good hands I promise. And my door is always open if you ever want to visit. This isn’t the end for you two.”
I appreciated that. “Thank you. Bing’s a good kid. He’s a really fucking good kid.”
“Bing. Come here.” I called him over, throwing an arm around him. “Say hi to your father. You’ve never done that before.”
“Hi.” He tilted his head back, taking in the man he always thought about but never met. And then he did something I didn’t expect. He hugged him. James looked at me and grinned, getting a little teary-eyed.
Violet and Lorna came outside. “One last hug, Bing.”
Bing hugged Lorna and then Violet. She did her best to hide the tears, wiping them when he let go.
“This is my girlfriend, Violet, and her mother, Lorna,” I said, and Lorna lit up at the introduction. It was the first time she heard me call her daughter, my girlfriend.
“Nice to meet you. This beautiful lady is my wife, Charlotte.” They all shook hands and got to know each other. Until James cleared his throat and finally announced, they needed to get on the road.
Charlotte shoved her cell back in her purse. She had been showing all of us pictures of their kids. They had kids a year younger than Bing. One together and Charlotte had another from another marriage.
I hugged him one more time, and he climbed in the truck with his dad, as he buckled his seat belt. James said something, and Bing lit up. Seeing him laugh put my heart at ease. He was going to be just fine.
James gave us all a wave and backed out of the driveway after Charlotte. Charlotte waved at all of us.
“He’s going to do good. They are lovely people.” Violet said, taking the spot next to me.
I nodded. “Yeah. I think so too.”
I wrapped my arm around her watching them drive down the street and then turn the corner, finally vanishing. That was over. Bing was on to his new life—with his new family. He was going to have the chance I never got.
IT WASN’T EASY WALKING back inside my house, knowing Bing wouldn’t be there anymore. It was going to take a whole lot of time to get used to. The only reason I was living across the street from my mom was because of him.
My life was going to be radically different now. It was just me. Not me and Bing. Or me and Mom and Bing. Just me. That house across the street wasn’t significant anymore. I didn’t have to check up on her. I wasn’t raising my brother while I was trying to raise myself. Because let’s be honest nobody raised me.
Nobody told me how to be a man. I had to figure that out for myself. Bing would have that. Nobody gave me a chance—I didn’t have someone picking up after me when I fucked up. I had myself.
Now I was Wilder Elordi. I guy in his twenties trying to figure out his life. I could do anything I wanted. I could marry Violet and start a family if I wanted.
If I wanted to go to college, I could do that. As great as that seemed, it was also very overwhelming. I didn’t know how just to be me and enjoy life without someone else to take care of.
“Why are you smiling?” Violet asked, stealing some popcorn out of the bowl between us.
“Because you’re beautiful.”
She grinned, happy to see me in a good mood. I’m sure she expected me to fall apart. But there was no way to do that when I was looking into her beautiful green eyes because it felt like I had the world at my fingertips.
We were about to write the most epic love story, and she didn’t even know it yet.
VIOLET BOUNDED INTO the room with a present. A fucking Christmas present. And she had gone all out wrapping it. Red bow and all.
“What is this?” I took it from her, flipping it over and over, trying to figure out what was inside of it.
She crawled into my lap. “I never got to give you your Christmas present.” She didn’t have to finish the sentence I knew why.
“Oh.”
“So open it,” she said, nudging me. I let go of her and used both hands, undoing the ribbon and tearing the paper.
Inside was a leather bracelet with a steel plate. I took it out of the box and looked at Violet.
“Those are the coordinates of the first time we ever met. At school. The day I knew we were meant to be.” She touched my scar. “I know you hate this scar. But that scar is a reminder of how strong you are. How amazing you are. And how far you have come, Wilder. Never hide that.”
I let her put it on me. “I’m speechless.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
I kissed her, I didn’t have the words to explain how her gift made me feel, but I had other ways. “Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome.”
I loved the thought behind it. Meeting Violet was the best day of my entire life, a moment that led to so many more moments. She would forever be a blessing in my eyes.
I slid out from under her and stood up. “I did buy you a gift.”
“I love gifts,” she said, rubbing her hands together.
I went to my room and got it out of my top dresser drawer and walked it back into the living room where she was waiting. I handed it over.
My wrapping job was nowhere as lovely as Violet’s, but it was the thought that counted.
She shook the box. Smiled and then opened it. She gasped, her eyes tearing up. Something she hated to do. “Wilder.”
“I couldn’t stop myself from loving you,” I said, watching her pull the framed picture of us out of the bo
x. That exact wording etched on the frame.
“We were babies. Gosh, look at my hair.” She smiled, biting her lip. “And look at how scrawny you were.”
She hugged it to her chest. “Thank you.” She kissed me.
“I love you, Violet Anne.” Admitting it was easy. Doing it was even easier.
“I love you, Wilder Thomas.”
Violet
I HAD TO GO BACK TO school. But I was only going back to get my things and come home. I didn’t tell Mom or Wilder. I knew they would probably be upset with me. But it was what I wanted to do. Mom wanted me to become somebody. The problem was I had no idea who I wanted to be.
I filled out applications for the whole cab ride back to school. If I had a job to go to right away, maybe they wouldn’t be so mad at me. I even considered starting nursing school nearby so I could still do something and be near Wilder. I never wanted to be a nurse—but helping other people, it could be something.
The cab pulled in front of the school, and I paid for the ride. I wasn’t here for anything other than dropping out. And then I would go over to my apartment and break the news to Kat. We could say our goodbyes, and I could be on my way before it was dark.
“Haven’t seen you around lately,” Mac said, walking up behind me. He fell into step with me. His black and blue flannel made his eyes even darker.
I hadn’t talked to Mac since the party. And I was sorry. I had used him for my own benefit. I was trying to escape the feelings Wilder made me feel. And that wasn’t fair to him.
“I’ve been home. A lot has happened. I’m actually leaving school for good.”
He looked a little disappointed to hear I was giving up on college life or maybe any chance he might have with me. I wasn’t sure and I didn’t want to be conceited.
“That’s too bad. But I hope everything works out for you.”
“Thanks. I think it will,” I told him. “And same for you. I hope all your art takes you someplace amazing.”
He scratched his head nodding. “I hope so too. Well, see you around Violet.”