State Secrets

by Linda Lael Miller

  If they ever got better.

  Again he lingered, quietly helping her with the mess left behind by thirteen people struggling with a complicated German recipe. I’ll have to go through this eight more times, Holly thought dismally. All the rest of this week. All of next week.

  “Coffee?” David asked, drying his hands on one of the pristine towels provided by the store.

  Holly found the idea oddly appealing, considering that, on at least one level, she was afraid of David Goddard. “I don’t know, I…”

  “Please?”

  She felt the pull of his blatant masculinity and tried to field it with words. “You didn’t take your fruitcake home last night,” she said. “The janitor must have thrown it away.”

  David folded his arms and arched one eyebrow. He saw through what she was doing; she just knew it. “I threw it away myself,” he replied, watching her. “I was afraid you might taste it and flunk me on the spot. Now, are we going for coffee or not?”

  Holly couldn’t help the nervous, weary chuckle that escaped her. “I’ll make you a cup at my place.” Now what made her say that? She never brought men to her house; only Skyler came there and he usually invited himself.

  “Great,” agreed the alarming David Goddard before she could take back the offer. “I’ll follow you in my car.”

  Holly put on her coat, thinking that the kitchen table at home was still littered with reference books and parts of the manuscript Elaine had been indexing all day. The remains of that day’s couscous experiments probably covered the counters, since Madge wasn’t supposed to clean until the next morning; tonight she was only baby-sitting.

  Reaching the parking garage, Holly was jarred to find that David’s car was next to her own. Not for the first time, she had the unsettling feeling that he always knew where she was and what she was doing. But that was silly. He was a gentleman, that was all. A rare enough animal these days.

  “You wanted to make sure I didn’t get mugged,” she guessed distractedly as he unlocked the door of a small, ordinary brown sedan.

  David executed a teasing salute, but Holly was looking at his other hand. The car keys he held were affixed to a chain bearing the insignia of a nationally known rental agency. He rented his car? That seemed odd, just as the vehicle itself was odd, unsuited to him in a myriad of vague ways.

  Puzzled, Holly got into her own car, started the ignition and, doubts notwithstanding, led the way to her sizable “cottage” on Spokane’s quietly elegant South Hill.

  “You rent your car,” she said the moment they were in her living room. Not “welcome to my house,” not “take off your coat,” but “you rent your car.” Holly felt stupid.

  “Yes,” David confessed readily. “Mine is in the shop.”

  Of course, Holly thought, but she was still bothered on a subliminal, barely discernible level. She drew a deep breath and forced herself to smile. “About that coffee I offered. This way to the kitchen.”

  David followed her across the shadowy living room, lit only by the dying fire in the hearth, and even though he was walking behind her, she was aware that he was taking in a tremendous amount of information just by looking around.

  “Be prepared for a mess,” she chimed, to cover her uneasiness. “My assistant and I spent the day making couscous.”

  They entered the kitchen and Holly stopped so swiftly that David nearly collided with her from behind; she felt the hard wall of his body touch her and glance quickly away.

  Madge was at the sink, just finishing an impromptu cleaning detail, but her presence wasn’t what caught Holly so off guard. Skyler was sitting at the table, sipping coffee. Why hadn’t she noticed his car outside?

  He looked up and there was a challenge in his brown eyes as they assessed David Goddard. “I don’t believe we’ve met,” he said coldly, rising from the bench at Holly’s table to glare at David.

  Skyler was acting like a jealous husband and it infuriated Holly, but before she could say anything at all David crossed the room and extended his hand to Skyler.

  “David Goddard,” he said in crisp introduction.

  Madge took in the scene with bright, interested eyes, but did not say anything. Neither did Holly, who was too taken aback by the intangible storm that was suddenly raging in her quiet, cozy kitchen.

  “Skyler Hollis,” came the grudging reponse.

  David took in Skyler’s sleek blond hair, elegant green sweater and custom-made slacks in one swift, indigo sweep. “Did you ever appear in GQ magazine?” he asked.

  Madge made a chortling sound and turned back to the sink. Holly rolled her eyes heavenward and then stomped over to the counter, where the coffeemaker waited.

  “I own a stereo store,” Skyler announced, either missing the reference to his wholesome good looks or choosing to ignore it. “What do you do, Goddard?”

  David, Holly saw in a quick glance over one shoulder, gave a slow smile. “I’m learning to make fruitcake.”

  “Fruitcake,” Skyler huffed, scowling. “I meant, what do you do for a living?”

  “I’m a door-to-door salesman,” was the icy and totally false reply. “I sell air fresheners. You know, those little bowls with the flowers in them—”

  “Here’s your coffee,” Holly broke in archly, setting David’s cup down on the just-cleared trestle table with a resounding thump. “Skyler, do you need a refill?”

  Skyler shot her a look and carried his cup to the sink, where he thrust it into the hands of a sedately amused Madge Elkins. “No!” he barked.

  “Am I breaking up a meaningful relationship?” David asked, lifting his cup in an unsuccessful attempt to hide a grin.

  Skyler’s look darkened; he leaned back against the counter and stubbornly folded his arms.

  Holly was embarrassed and exasperated. “Skyler Hollis, will you just sit down, please? David is—”

  “I know what David is,” Skyler snapped before he stomped out of the kitchen. Seconds later, the front door slammed.

  “I’m sorry,” David said.

  “I could swear I saw smoke coming out of that man’s ears,” Madge put in, receiving a swift look from Holly for her trouble.

  The housekeeper smiled and shrugged, then took her leave without waiting for an introduction to David Goddard.

  They were alone. Holly sighed heavily and fixed her gaze on her own cup of coffee.

  “Are you in love with Skyler—what’s his name? Hollis?”

  The directness of the question brought Holly’s gaze shooting up from the dark brew in her cup to David’s face. “In love with him?” she echoed stupidly.

  “You do realize, I hope, that if you marry that guy your name will be Holly Hollis?”

  Holly burst out laughing. “You know, I never thought of that. I guess I’d just have to go on calling myself Llewellyn.”

  David’s impossibly blue eyes were filled with gentle humor. “I really am sorry if I caused any trouble, Holly. If you want me to apologize to Hollis, I will.”

  “No,” Holly said quickly. Perhaps too quickly. “Skyler had no right to act that way,” she added moments later, in more carefully measured tones. “He has no claim on me and if I want to bring a friend home for coffee…”

  “Is that what I am, Holly? Your friend?”

  Holly clasped her hands together in her lap. She was twenty-seven years old, an adult, but she suddenly felt like a fifteen-year-old on her first date. “I hope so,” she said softly.

  Graciously, David changed the subject. The muscles in his forearms worked as he reached for the sugar bowl and added a spoonful to his coffee. “You aren’t even thirty yet, unless I miss my guess,” he said. “How did you happen to accomplish so much by such a tender age?”

  Holly was comfortable with the subject of her career, at least. She pushed aside the strange suspicions she had about this man who sat across the table from her and allowed herself to forget, for a little while, her worries about Craig and her impossible relationship with Skyler Hollis. “
I was lucky. My grandmother wrote cookbooks, you know, and she taught me a lot. And I worked hard.”

  “You must have spent a lot of time with your grandmother,” David remarked, watching her.

  “My brother and I lived with her, along with our mother. Our father was killed in an accident when I was seven,” Holly blurted out in a rush. There, she thought. If he asks about Craig, I’ll know something is wrong.

  She held her breath.

  “Your mother and grandmother are both gone now?” David asked gently.

  Holly was unaccountably relieved, though her throat tightened when she answered. “Grandmother passed away, yes. Mother married a missionary doctor and we don’t see her very often.”

  David’s rugged face seemed to grow taut for a moment. “You’ve never been married?”

  Holly shook her head. “I almost was, once.” Strange. She could think of Ben now, without hurting. “What about you?”

  David laughed, but there was no amusement in the sound or in the ink-blue flash of his eyes. Holly knew before he spoke that he’d once been hurt, and very badly. “I got married during my second year of law school,” he said. “Marleen was a graduate student in Animal Sciences.”

  There was anger as well as pain in his voice. Holly deduced that Marleen had not died, as Ben had. “And?” she prompted.

  “And she’s now in Borneo studying chimps. She finds them endlessly fascinating and far less demanding, I would imagine, than a husband.”

  The bitterness in his tone stung Holly profoundly. David still loved Marleen despite his anger; she was sure of it. And for some reason, that hurt. “I’m sorry,” she said, getting up hastily to go to the coffeemaker and bring the decanter back to the table, where she refilled her own cup and then David’s.

  “Don’t be,” David replied succinctly. “Marleen is happy.”

  But what about you? Holly wanted to ask, though, of course, she didn’t dare. She put sugar into her coffee—something she never did—and kept her eyes averted.

  “You said you were almost married once. What happened, Holly?”

  Holly’s throat constricted again. “My fiancé was killed,” she managed to say. “He was working on a construction project in Alaska and…and he fell.”

  “You loved him a lot, didn’t you?”

  Holly nodded. “I wanted to die, too, at the time. And I was so angry.”

  There was a short, companionable silence. The coffeemaker made gurgling sounds and the fire crackled on the kitchen hearth. David’s hand came, strong and warm, across the tabletop, to shelter Holly’s hand.

  It was then that Toby shuffled into the kitchen, looking sleepy and rumpled in his cherished Spider-Man pajamas. “Is it time to go to school, Mom?” he asked, befuddled.

  Holly’s eyes darted involuntarily to David’s face, then shifted to her nephew. “No, sweetheart, it’s still night. Go back to bed.”

  Toby gave David a curious look. “Who’s that?” he demanded.

  “This is Mr. Goddard, Toby. He’s a friend of mine, a student in my cooking class.”

  Toby assessed David again. “You cook?” he wanted to know.

  David laughed and the odd tension Holly had felt was broken. “Not very well, slugger,” he retorted kindly, “but I’m learning.”

  “I’m not going to learn,” Toby said firmly, drawing just a bit nearer to David, sensing, as Holly did, that this was a man who liked children.

  “Oh, yeah? Why not?” David asked. And he sounded truly interested, not patronizing. “Don’t you think men should cook?”

  Toby shrugged, not exactly sure what he thought. “Mom cooks enough stuff. Do you think men should cook?”

  David thought. “Yeah,” he answered presently.

  “Why?”

  “Because they get hungry.”

  Toby grinned. “Wanna see my airplane?”

  David looked to Holly for her permission; she liked him for doing that. She nodded.

  “Sounds interesting,” the man said to the boy, and then they were off to Toby’s room to inspect the radio-controlled Cessna. The sound of their retreating voices gave Holly an odd feeling of well-being. Which was immediately spoiled by the ringing of the telephone.

  She answered with a brisk and biting, “Yes?”

  “Who is that Goddard guy?” Skyler demanded without preamble.

  Holly drew a deep breath, then let it out again. Control, she must maintain her control. “David is a friend of mine, Skyler.” Sugary acid slipped past her resolve, dripping from every word. “I am allowed to have friends, aren’t I?”

  “Not men!”

  “Good night, Skyler,” Holly sang, and then she set the receiver firmly back in its cradle.

  Seconds later, the telephone rang again.

  “Hello?” Holly said sweetly.

  “Don’t you ever hang up on me again, Holly Llewellyn!” Skyler shouted.

  Of course, Holly had no choice but to do exactly that. She then adjusted her answering machine to pick up on the first ring. If Skyler chose to call again, he would be cordially invited to leave his name, number and message. If he felt called upon to deliver a lecture, he would get only an electronic whirring sound in reply.

  Holly was at the sink when David returned to the kitchen; though she didn’t hear him, not consciously at least, she was aware of him in every sense. She stiffened as he came toward her, his boots making a melodic sound on the hard brick floor.

  “Holly?”

  She turned to face him. She couldn’t keep her fingers from clenching the counter behind her.

  David stopped, looking stricken. “You’re afraid of me.”

  “Y-yes.”

  “Why?”

  How could she explain, when she didn’t understand it herself? She was afraid of David Goddard, and yet his nearness was causing every nerve-ending in her body to jump and crackle like naked electrical wire. Not even Ben—tender, laughing, lost Ben—had ever affected her in quite that way.

  “Holly?” he prompted.

  Holly felt very silly and not a little old-maidish. She blushed and gave a nervous, shaky laugh. “It’s not as though I think you’re… I mean… I know you’re not—”

  He was closer now. Holly could feel the heat and the strength of him. He was not yet touching her, but God help her, she wanted him to. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her and— He did. He kissed her. He cupped his gentle, strong hands, one on each side of her flushed face, bent his head, and kissed her. His lips were soft and cautious, making no demands.

  A strange warmth filled Holly, stabbing her in some places, soothing her in others. She trembled when his tongue persuaded her lips to part for him and she moaned at his thorough, masterful yet entirely tender conquering.

  And his body was warm and hard against Holly’s, pressing, igniting licking flames of unfamiliar, unexpected passion. It hadn’t been like this with Ben, she reflected frantically. Not even when they actually made love.

  David drew back suddenly, with an obvious effort. “I’d better leave,” he said in a hoarse voice, his eyes not quite linking with Holly’s.

  She was wounded and still breathless. “David—”

  At last he looked at her, and she saw anguish in the depths of his eyes, along with a cold, self-directed anger. “I’m sorry,” he rasped, reaching for his jacket.

  Holly wanted to cry. She wanted to laugh. She didn’t know what she wanted to do, except make love to David Goddard and have him make love to her. And that wasn’t possible, of course, because they’d only known each other for a day and because Toby was sleeping upstairs. “Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Didn’t I?” he asked, speaking more to himself, it seemed, than to Holly.

  Holly couldn’t believe the crazy things that were going on inside her, the aching, melting sensations. The howling hunger. And her breasts. Her breasts quivered with a need to be fondled, their tips still at eager attention. What was happening to her?

  “Will
you come and have dinner with Toby and me tomorrow night, David?” she heard herself ask.

  A log fell in the fireplace, sparks snapping. The silence was terrible and so was Holly’s suspense. Which would be worse: his refusal or his acceptance?

  “Yes,” he said finally, and with some reluctance. “I know better, but I’ll do it.”

  “Seven?” Holly asked with a calmness that amazed her. “We could go on to class afterward.”

  David wasn’t looking at her; it seemed that he couldn’t. The telephone jangled but the answering machine picked up instantly. The silence was heavy, pulsing.

  “Seven,” he said hoarsely, and then he was leaving, striding away from Holly with determined motions.

  After she’d heard the front door close and the engine of his car start up with a fierce, revving sound, she could move again. She locked the house and turned out the few lights that still burned, then made her way upstairs.

  Her bed looked as it always had—the same Pennsylvania Dutch quilt covered the practical flannel sheets beneath. The same brass headboard glistened in the light from the lamp on her dresser. The same two pillows waited, neither having ever borne the weight of a man’s head. Not Skyler’s certainly. Not even Ben’s.

  The bed was unchanged, but Holly’s feelings about sharing it were vastly different. Tonight it looked lonely and cold rather than spacious.

  Shaking her head, she went into the small bathroom adjoining her room, washed her face, brushed her teeth, stripped off the black slacks and red sweater she had worn that night, and finally the wispy panties and bra underneath.

  Holly stood naked before the full-length mirror on the back of her bedroom door. She saw a well-proportioned if unremarkable body, curved in some places, hollowed in others.

  She permitted herself to remember that long-ago summer, between high school and college, when she and Ben had given in to the dizzying, constant demands of their youthful bodies. She had not soared, as books and movies had led her to believe she would, but she had not been traumatized, either. Ben’s lovemaking had been gentle and pleasant, if not truly fulfilling.

  But now, as the result of one brief kiss, Holly knew that, with David Goddard, her body would respond with abandon. It would sing. It would quiver.