Blame it on the Onesie: A romantic comedy about work, water and wine

by CJ Morrow

  When she returned to the dining room to ask Nathan if he would like a cup of tea she found that he’d arranged her mum’s oak table and chairs in the room. It looked lovely, it would look even better after a good polish. Ella felt a lump rise in her throat and tears prick the back of her eyes. Her mum would have loved this cottage; it was so unfair.

  ‘Fits well. All this furniture looks like it’s always been here.’ Nathan stood beside her, his hands on his hips, surveying the room.

  ‘Yeah.’ Ella’s voice sounded wistful.

  ‘You said this was your mum’s stuff. Doesn’t she want it anymore?’

  ‘My mum died a few months ago. That’s why I’ve got it.’ She turned to walk back to the kitchen. She didn’t want Nathan to see her face but he followed her.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Ella. I didn’t know. It must be tough for you.’

  Ella nodded. She didn’t want kind words, it made the grief worse. She sniffed loudly, took a deep breath. ‘I’ve made tea,’ she said with false brightness. ‘I think there’s some of Edna’s cake left too. We could eat in my new dining room.’

  ‘Sounds good,’ Nathan said. ‘I’ll just get the last bedside cabinet in and lock the van up.’

  When he came back Ella had laid the table – she’d found a tablecloth in the kitchen dresser, it was blue and white, hand embroidered. It was very similar to her mum’s, the one she’d used to cover the boxes.

  ‘I remember this tablecloth,’ Nathan said, sitting down to his tea and cake.

  ‘Really? How?’

  ‘Used to come here as a kid, with my gran.’ He picked up the cake and took a large bite. ‘That’s good. The cakes here were always good.’ He laughed and took another bite.

  ‘I’ll have to get some practice in then. But maybe I’ll wait until my kitchen is sorted out.

  ‘Have you had time to look through my estimate?’ Nathan poured himself another cup of tea, adding a liberal amount of milk and sugar.

  ‘Yes. Not in any great detail though.’

  ‘I know it’s a lot of money. Just to put your mind at rest you should get other quotes, but I doubt any will be better.’

  ‘Okay.’ Ella didn’t want to tell him she’d had no luck with other builders.

  ‘I would suggest we start with the heating, install a new boiler first, that way you’ll have hot water. Rewire at the same time. Then the kitchen, then the bathroom.’

  ‘Yes,’ Ella said, her voice sounding mechanical. It was overwhelming.

  ‘Don’t worry; our guys will keep the mess to a minimum. They’ll only work Monday to Friday, office hours, so most of it will happen when you’re at work. ‘I’ll ensure they leave it tidy every night.’

  ‘I don’t go to work anymore,’ Ella said. She cut herself another slither of cake and offered Nathan one.

  ‘Oh. I thought you worked at Gubbins with Sam.’

  ‘I did. I don’t anymore. I don’t need the money so much now and I hated it.’

  ‘Well, I’m sure we’ll still be able to get the work done without disturbing you too much.’ He didn’t sound convinced. ‘Assuming, of course, that you choose us.’ He got up and took his plate and mug out to the kitchen, washed them up in the sink. Ella followed him.

  He was wearing a white t-shirt again and she could see the muscles on his back stretching and tensing as he washed up.

  ‘Do you always wear white t-shirts?’ she said, thinking aloud.

  He turned and frowned, then laughed. ‘Yes. Mostly.’

  ‘Don’t they get, you know, dirty, with your job and everything?’

  ‘Yes. But they wash easily too. Anyway, I don’t do the really dirty jobs.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘I’m a musician first and foremost, if you remember.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ella said, turning back to her unpacking and remembering that shitty song.

  Nathan dried his hands and went upstairs. Ella heard the toilet flush. When he came back down he was smiling.

  ‘I think you’re going to have a great place here.’

  ‘I hope so,’ Ella said.

  ‘I notice you’ve still got some boxes in your car, shall I bring them in?’

  Ella was about to say no, but then thought better of it. If Nathan was going to do the work in the cottage – and that seemed highly likely – she needed to get on with him.

  ‘Yes. That would be great. I’ll just find the keys.’

  Nathan emptied Ella’s car and when he had finished he put the seats back into their proper configuration. He even shook the mats; Ella watched him from the dining room window then darted into the kitchen as he came back in.

  ‘Do you still have stuff at your old place?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes, another car load or two should do it.’

  ‘Well I’m free at the moment; would you like me to help you? We can use the van, only one load then.’

  Oh God. What should she do? A part of her more than welcomed the prospect of help but she didn’t want to be beholden to Nathan. He’d already given up his morning.

  ‘I can’t take up anymore of your time.’

  Nathan shrugged. ‘Okay.’ He handed her car keys back, said goodbye without looking at her and left.

  As she heard his van start she was already regretting her haste. ‘I wasn’t planning on sleeping here tonight anyway,’ she said, out loud.

  ‘Well, that’s a shame, young Ella.’

  ‘Whoa,’ Ella shouted as she spun round to see Walt’s jovial face. ‘Where did you come from?’

  ‘Nathan let me in. Hope you don’t mind.’

  ‘Course not. It always a pleasure to see you.’ She hugged him.

  ‘So you’re not moving in today then?’

  ‘No. Tomorrow. I still have more stuff to bring over, mostly clothes. Then I can just clean up my old place.’ I won’t be handing the keys back just yet, I’m still paying for it for another month, Ella thought but didn’t say so to Walt.

  ‘Well, if you need any help, you know where we are. And you can always count on Nathan.’ He turned to go.

  ‘Mmm,’ Ella said.

  Walt turned back. ‘Do I detect something amiss between you and Nathan?’

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing; I know him from before I came here.’

  ‘And he did something to you?’

  ‘He wrote a song about me, it wasn’t very flattering.’

  ‘Ah yes. He’s quite the musician. Good of him to give it up for his family.’

  ‘Has he?’

  ‘Well, he’s running the business. It’s quite a responsibility. They employ about thirty men. I doubt he’ll have as much time for singing and stuff.’

  Later, after Walt had left Ella thought about what he had said about Nathan. The responsibility part didn’t fit with what she knew of Nathan, the grungy guitar player in a part-time band. She compared him to Charlie, who loved performing but saw it as just a hobby because he loved his well paid job and the home it provided more than being a musician. According to Sam, Nathan worked in a call centre. That Nathan and this village Nathan didn’t match up. Especially since he’d cut his hair so short and wore white cotton instead of black leather.

  Ella locked up and headed back to the bedsit. Her car almost looked as though it had been valetted; another thing she couldn’t imagine grungy Nathan doing.

  She drove out of her little lane and onto the main road, passed the duck pond and the infamous toilets then headed out of the village. The car dropped down into a pot hole and then wouldn’t steer properly. Struggling and cussing she managed to pull it over to the side and got out; she had a flat tyre. Without thinking she kicked the tyre and swore aloud.

  ‘I don’t think that’ll help,’ a voice said from behind her. Nathan. Was he stalking her?

  Ella turned and sneered. ‘D’ya think?’ She kicked the tyre again, but Nathan had already walked back to his van. She watched him as he sat inside chatting on his phone. She reached into her car for her own phone, wondering who the hell to call; she’d
cancelled her breakdown cover when it needed renewing because she hadn’t been able to afford it. She thumbed through her contacts.

  ‘Okay,’ Nathan said from behind her again, making her jump. ‘One of the guys will come and sort it out later. I take it you do have a spare in the boot.’

  ‘Yes, I think so.’ Then belatedly, ‘thank you.’

  ‘You’re welcome. I’d do it myself but I’d get my t-shirt dirty.’ He laughed and Ella forced a grim smile. ‘So where were you going? Home?’

  ‘Yes. I was going to bring another load back.’

  ‘Well, as I said earlier, I’m happy to help with that. Shall we go?’ He turned back towards his van.

  ‘Won’t I need to wait for your tyre man?’

  ‘No, just leave it unlocked. It’ll be fine. No one likely to steal it with a flat tyre.’ He scrutinised the car for a moment too long, then added, ‘Actually, no one likely to steal it full stop.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Ella said.

  ‘Come on; let’s get the rest of your things.’

  Ella followed him to his van, got in and couldn’t help noticing how clean it was, especially for a builder. ‘Very shiny and new,’ she sneered.

  ‘Not new, just clean.’ He pulled the van into the traffic and drove back to Ella’s bedsit.

  ‘Typical girl,’ Nathan said as Ella threw open her wardrobe door. ‘More clothes and shoes than anyone could ever wear.’

  ‘I wear them all, you sexist.’ She laughed, mostly to cover her annoyance, but it turned to genuine laughter when Nathan joined in. ‘I’ve got a case here, and some bin bags, oh and this.’ She pulled an old backpack from the far reaches of the wardrobe.

  ‘Gap year?’ Nathan said, eyeing it.

  ‘Yep.’ She opened it up and started stuffing her shoes and boots inside.

  ‘Where did you go?’

  ‘Thailand, India, Oz. You know, the usual.’

  ‘Me too. Did you stroke the tiger in Thailand?’

  ‘Yeah. Well sort of. Didn’t actually touch it. Looks good in the photo though.’

  Nathan laughed. ‘I didn’t even go near it, just took a photo of my mate.’

  ‘Do you think they’re drugged?’ Ella said, zipping up the backpack and pushing it aside, then dragging out the suitcase, laying it on the floor.

  ‘I don’t think so, probably just really well fed. I think they run some sort of conservation programme there, so it’s not all bad. At least tourism pays for that.’

  ‘I expect so. I had a good time anyway. Didn’t you?’

  ‘The best.’ He looked wistful.

  ‘Yeah. It was. What did you do afterwards? Your degree, I mean.’

  ‘Music,’ he said, his tone suggesting it was a stupid question.

  ‘Of course.’ Now she felt embarrassed. Now she wanted to ask about the call centre, the building company, but felt she couldn’t. ‘I did English, mainly because I didn’t know what else to do.’ She gave a little laugh. ‘Then I went to work at Gubbins. That worked out really well.’

  ‘And I went to work in a call centre so I would have time for my music; that worked out really well too.’ His laugh was a bitter one. ‘And now I’m a builder.’

  She’d over-filled the case and attempted to zip it up.

  ‘Let me,’ Nathan said. He leaned over Ella and their hands touched. They both pulled away as though they had been stung. Neither said anything.

  ‘But you’re still going to carry on with your music. That’s what you said, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yeah, sure. I perform at The Giddy Goat sometimes. You should come along.’

  ‘Yeah.’ She grabbed her underwear and stuffed it into a bin bag.

  ‘What about this furniture.’ Nathan nodded at the sad sofa bed, the cheap white chest of drawers.

  ‘Not mine. And I’ll be glad to see the back of it all.’

  A suitcase, a backpack and six bin bags later, and they were on their way back to Spring Cottage. Ella checked her phone during the journey. A message from Sam popped up.

  ‘Sam’s home. That’s so good. She wants me to go round tonight. Oh, do you think my tyre will be done?’

  ‘Looks like it to me,’ he said as they drove past her car.

  ‘I do appreciate this,’ Ella said as they unloaded.

  ‘Like I said, I wasn’t doing anything else.’

  ‘Still, I am grateful. I think I might even be able to stay the night here now. Actually, I’ll probably have to; I haven’t left much at the bedsit. Or, maybe I could stay at Sam’s – no, maybe not.’ Ella felt excited. ‘No I’ll need to go back to shower, no hot water here. I don’t want to trouble Walt and Edna just yet.’

  ‘As soon as you say the word we’ll make a start on your plumbing.’

  ‘Thanks. I am waiting for another quote. As soon as I get that…’ her voice trailed away, she wondered if it was obvious she was lying.

  ‘When you’re ready,’ Nathan said and she saw him suppress a smile.

  They carried most of the clothes up to her bedroom in two trips. There was just the bin bag with her underwear left and Ella insisted on getting it herself. She’d noticed the bag was already splitting and she didn’t want her knickers spilling out all over Nathan’s van. Nathan agreed to put the kettle on for tea while she went to get it.

  ‘Oh no,’ she screeched. ‘No. No.’

  Nathan came dashing out. Ella stood by the van’s rear doors screeching some more.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Someone’s rifled through my unders,’ Ella said, feeling as stupid as she sounded.

  ‘Your unders?’

  ‘Yes. You know. Underwear,’ she snapped. ‘Don’t you dare laugh.’

  ‘I’m not,’ he said, choking back his amusement as they surveyed Ella’s bras and knickers trailing out of Nathan’s van. Ella stooped to pick up a pair of jumbo comfort knickers and stuffed them into what was left of the bag. Nathan began to gather up garments too.

  ‘Just leave it,’ Ella snapped again. ‘Who would do this? Some dirty perv. Why?’

  ‘Probably Feral Billy.’

  ‘Oh that’s all right then.’ Ella snapped as she knotted the top of the bin bag together and attempted to pull the sides in. ‘Feral Billy can do as he likes. Weirdo. Needs locking up.’

  ‘Needs catching first,’ Nathan said as he leant in and expertly gathered the sides of the bag together, then lifted it out of the van.

  He carried it up to Ella’s room and placed it on the bed, careful to prevent it from bursting open. Ella nodded her thanks then surveyed the room – bags of clothes everywhere.

  ‘I could put a rail in that alcove for you until you get a wardrobe,’ Nathan said, nodding at the large alcove between the chimney breast and the window. ‘I could do it today. We’ll have the necessary bits in the yard.’

  ‘You’ve already done too much for me.’

  ‘Please yourself.’ He shrugged and turned away. ‘It’s a genuine offer.’

  ‘Yes please,’ Ella said in a sheepish voice as he stepped through the doorway.

  ‘I’ll be back soon.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she called after him, but he was already at the bottom of the stairs. She heard his van start, heard him drive away.

  While he was gone Ella put all her underwear away, utilising the only drawers she had, the small ones in her bedside tables. One of her more glamorous bras was missing. She hoped Billy the Perv didn’t have it. Typical, he had chosen the most expensive one and it was hardly worn. She screwed up the burst bin bag and tied it in a knot ready for the dustbin. She took it downstairs with her. In the kitchen she re-boiled the kettle; Nathan had already put teabags in the teapot and set a tray with cups and plates, he’d found the cake tin too and taken it through to the dining table. So, they were living on cake and tea today. She doubted he maintained those muscles on cake. Stop thinking about his muscles, she chided herself and wondered how long he would be.

  She took the bin bag out to the dustbin. As she turned back to th
e kitchen door she glimpsed movement in the corner of her eye. She turned; there was nothing there. She looked away, sensed movement again. She turned back, still nothing. She went in, closed the door behind her.

  At first she thought it was Nathan knocking on the door, but the knocking went on too long, too loud. She was back upstairs so it took her a minute or so to reach the kitchen door.

  ‘All right,’ she called, ‘I’m coming.’ But the knocking didn’t stop. Instead it increased, sounding as though someone were battering the door. Maybe it was Nathan; maybe he was carrying heavy tools and couldn’t open the door. And yet… and yet, she felt apprehensive. She leaned across and opened only the top of the kitchen stable door. It flew open with a force behind it.

  Ella screamed, her high pitched yell ringing in her ears. But it didn’t bother Feral Billy.

  ‘You’re a goat,’ she shouted, once she’d got over the initial shock. ‘And you’ve got my bloody bra. Give it back. Give it back.’ She lunged for the bra which was looped through Feral Billy’s horns. He bleated at her and let his long, pink tongue lolled out of his mouth. Then he blinked, turned tail and galloped off. Ella threw open the bottom half of the door and gave chase. But Feral Billy’s four legs were faster than Ella’s two. He stopped and looked over his shoulder, a glint in his eye, then galloped on again, like a dog playing chase. ‘Give it back,’ Ella shouted again. Feral Billy bleated and galloped on.

  Nathan’s white van pulled into the lane just as Ella shouted again. He stopped, took in the situation and jumped out. He tried to head Feral Billy off. Billy bellowed and turned around, hurtling towards Ella. If she was lucky she could side step him at the last minute and grab her bra back. If she was unlucky he would butt her with his horns.

  He thundered towards her, his large pink-eyed goaty face looked devilish. Ella turned coward and ran towards her cottage, shrieking with fear – he was a giant goat. Nathan chased him. Feral Billy bleated. Nathan shouted. Ella shrieked. Billy was gaining on her; she could hear his hooves as they hit the ground, sending the gravel flying. She took a frightened peek as she ran, saw Nathan take a flying leap and land full on Feral Billy’s back, bringing him down.

  Feral Billy bleated and shook his head violently.