Deserved

by Victoria Johns

  “I believe I owe you pay back.”

  Her eyes clicked in understanding. “That was a genuine mistake earlier.”

  “Genuine, my ass.”

  “Now don’t be silly,” she threatened. Her canoe was still wobbling and she was crouched down holding the sides, wondering how to get out of her predicament.

  “I could wobble it like this,” I began and grabbed it myself just to unsettle her a little.

  “Tommy!” she wailed, and all the kids on the lakeside were laughing, including Carly. “I swear to God…” She laughed nervously. “You don’t want to start this war with me.”

  “You think you can take me?”

  “I am woman! Hear me ROAR!” she shouted and launched across the seats of the canoe towards me so quickly that I only appreciated the stunning agility of her escape after she’d passed me and was safely on dry land. “This is not my first rodeo, cowboy,” she crowed, and the girls all gathered round her, cheering and hollering in celebration at having outwitted me.

  “Nice move, little lady. Nice move.” I mean seriously, props where they’re due and she’d definitely outsmarted me. “You ain’t safe yet. We’ve got a whole lot of daylight left.”

  My declaration of war set the tone for the rest of our day together. Any group game became girls against boys. It was a great laugh and the kids enjoyed the healthy competition a lot. Lacey had a knack for understanding when things were going too far or a kid needed an extra boost of confidence and a win. She made sure everyone had something to celebrate and did it in such a way that no one else felt aggrieved by it. She was teaching them about more than just nature and staying safe in the water. Lacey was giving them core values, a sense of community and the skills to understand reason and compassion.

  She was a natural, and these kids were blessed to be in her care. I was honored to see it first hand. My daughter had lucked out coming to Hawkstown, not because of me, but because of her.

  Lacey was amazing in both character and spirit, but she was still getting her payback.

  Oh yes, in awe or not, I’d make sure she got wet before we left that damn lake.

  And I did.

  Tommy Sevens

  “It’s been eight fucking weeks. How can we not have found them?” This situation was beyond fucking stupid. Oli and Jonas had been working to try to track down either my mother or Maisie, and it was like the ground had opened up and swallowed them whole. It appeared they no longer existed.

  “The usual avenues are coming up empty,” Jonas said, seeming to understand why my frustration was growing. I’d arranged to meet them on my day off in the hope that no news really was good news and they were working on leads, but in my case, no news really meant no fucking news.

  “And what are the usual avenues?”

  “Bank accounts, credit cards and mobile phone records. I’m guessing that’s because neither have the credit for a checking account like normal people and the mobile phone numbers you gave me were burners, so they’re essentially untraceable."

  “Fucking Christ, what’s the next step?” I asked, hurling a MudJoe’s takeaway cup in the bin.

  “There isn’t one, unless one of us gets down and scuttles in the underbelly of society. I don’t do that anymore. That was a lifetime ago. I’d have to farm that out and it would cost some serious wedge.”

  I had wedge but I didn’t have serious wedge. I had my money invested in the cab firm. It gave me a job, an income and a chance at a normal retirement. Jonas knew this and I could tell I’d embarrassed us both by forcing him to say it out loud.

  “No, if they’ve gone into hiding it’s for a reason. They’ll turn up or be found when it suits them.”

  “Sorry, man, I know this sucks, but maybe it’s time to cement Carly’s place here?” Oli suggested.

  As much as I wanted to avoid what he was suggesting, I knew it was the right thing to do.

  “You have a discreet contact?”

  “I do.”

  “What do you need? Hair samples?”

  “That would do for a baseline test, but it’s open to inconclusive results if there’s a problem in the process. Saliva is best, but I’m guessing you don’t want the young one to know.”

  “You guess right, so we’re starting with hair.”

  Jonas bid us both farewell and went on his way. He still couldn’t drop his hatred for me. I wouldn’t regret touching his most prized possession—life should never be about regrets—and that would be something he’d remember every time he laid eyes on me.

  “Not that I want to make your mood any darker, Tommy, but you should know Lacey has been writing this thing up. She’s working it like a regular case.”

  The pain of his words was instantaneous. I’d let her into my home, encouraged her to watch over my daughter, and she was treating it like some kind of welfare experiment.

  “Whatever you’re thinking right now, beat it back,” Oli advised. “She has to because we have other kids to think about. If she doesn’t run this by the book it could bring hell fire upon us at Grove House and jeopardize our standing with the authorities. We’d be fighting against health and welfare audits for decades and they’d be looking at all our kids for evidence of improper conduct. You know we can’t have that.” I knew the words he was saying were fair and reasonable, but it still felt like things with Lacey weren’t what I’d thought. It felt like they were somehow tainted. If she’d let me pay, like I was actually getting a service, I probably wouldn’t have been bothered. “In any case, if the unthinkable happens and Carly turns out to be…”

  “Do not fucking finish that sentence. Even if she isn’t mine, I will peel my own skin off to keep her away from my mother and Maisie. Two people have dealt that kid a shit hand. Someone owes her, and until the right people can pay, I intend on giving her just a little piece of the good life.”

  “You’re a good man, Tommy, and I see just how full the world is of kids who need your sort of heart.” We parted on good terms, even if the conversation had irked me. First and foremost, I needed to decide whether to let Lacey know I was aware of her secret social worker act.

  Things at home had been good and Carly was settling in nicely. She spent her days with Lacey where she’d either help running errands or spend her time learning something from the piles of books they brought home from the library. I knew this couldn’t continue and she should be in school, but I’d been reluctant to make that decision until I had some idea why’d she been handed over to me. I figured if Gloria and Maisie were game playing, settling Carly in school only to have it taken away from her would do more harm than good. A stable school and life was her dream, and it was nothing more than she deserved. She had a thirst for knowledge, but I didn’t want to get her hopes up only to disappoint her in the end.

  Carly and I were slowly getting to know each other. Whenever she felt the need to become my housemaid, I got up and got involved. I didn’t want her to know I was on to her game because I thought it might make her panic. So I pretended to use the monotony of a task to get to know her better. In truth, my house had never been so clean. It hadn’t taken long for it to become more of a home than a bachelor’s crash pad. We played what I called, ‘this or that,’ as we worked. One of us would offer a choice, something like, ‘potato chips or chocolate?’ and the other had to give a gut instinct answer. It was funny at times but useful, too, as it helped me to devise weekly grocery lists that made her feel more like she belonged with me. I was hoping by making little changes around the place and buying treats and groceries that she liked, she’d realize I liked having her around. I may have been shocked when she first arrived, but what shocked me more was how quickly we fell into a routine together and how, without me really noticing, I was used to her being there.

  Teaching her to use the dishwasher and washing machine was not fun, but seeing her get to grips with using them was a stark reminder that not everyone in the world had basic luxuries. Hell, I hadn’t for a long time. I wanted to be brave eno
ugh to tell her that, and I shared snippets of information about how I’d grown up, but never too much. I didn’t want to scare her. My only aim was to let her know that I knew the life she’d led. I’d survived and everyone deserved a little more if they wanted it enough and could be bothered to put in the effort to get it. I tried to glean information about people from Gloria and Maisie’s world—just a name or a place they might have visited in the past, anything I could give Jonas to try to flush the rats out of whatever nest they were holed up in. But there was nothing and I often got the feeling she was afraid to tell me. After all, if I thought she knew where they were, what would stop me from sending her to them? I was a guy and we didn’t squeal our feelings openly, so I tried to make her feel like she belonged in different ways. I’d discuss my days at work and ask what she’d been up to with Lacey. I made a point of seeking out documentaries on the TV that I knew she’d read about, and seeing her enthusiasm when she learned something that her books hadn’t already taught her was great, almost as rewarding as when the programs got something wrong.

  The days she spent with Lacey were her favorite times. I could tell having her around made Carly feel more like the carefree teenager she deserved to be. It was like they were becoming best friends or even sisters, and it was the only time either of them truly let their guard down. Lacey wasn’t the social worker and Carly wasn’t the study object.

  Lacey and I grew to be firm friends. She knew my house like it was her own, and after a few days, I gave her a key so she could come and go. I’d managed to avoid any more night shifts. After trying to keep Carly’s presence low key, I caved when Tara knew something was going down and it felt good to get it off my chest. Tara understood immediately and was proud of what I was doing. Even as I got older, she still acted like a mother should. Straightaway, she rescheduled all the other drivers to cover my rostered night shifts, meaning I could be at home to be a proper parent.

  I’d missed out on so much of my daughter’s life. When you think about the excitement of becoming a dad, you envisage watching the person you love growing and swelling more with that life each day, keeping that piece of you both safe until the little bean is ready to be born. You never think that you’ll come home from work one day and be greeted with a child you never knew you had. You don’t expect to lie awake at night, reliving the horrors of your own childhood and wondering whether your own offspring has suffered the same.

  Being related to me—if she really was—had already given her twelve years of shit to chew on and swallow. Even if I spent the rest of my life trying to make up for that, it still probably wouldn’t be enough.

  It was probably safer that Gloria and Maisie were in the wind. Making them understand the harm they’d caused to yet another person involved in their lives could either land me in jail for murder or make Carly suffer more than she already has.

  No, the decision was made. Whatever the DNA results turned out to be, I would care and provide for her like she deserved and try to be worthy of having my name on that beautiful girl’s birth certificate.

  My phone chimed with an incoming text and I distractedly punched the screen to display it.

  “Shit, forgot about that,” I mumbled before deciding I needed to make good on my commitment to a friend. I’d agreed to go for a beer to celebrate a pal’s birthday. I’d originally thought I’d be working anyway so I could be the designated driver. With my shifts covered, I didn’t have to work and could possibly kick back and have a couple. Fuck it, it had been a stressful couple of weeks and any spare brain capacity had been soaked up with Carly and figuring out how to be a dad. Everyone needed a night off, so I called in a favor.

  Me:

  Almost immediately, I received a reply.

  Lacey:

  The relief at being able to have a night off, just one night away from it all, felt appealing yet I was also slightly guilty. After all, I’d already had twelve fucking years away from my daughter. It wasn’t right to be looking forward to one more night.

  Me:

  Lacey:

  The pizza delivery was met with much enthusiasm by the girls, and it was a good job they sold half and half toppings. Lacey adored pineapple on pizza, Carly, absolutely not. Around eight o’clock, after being allowed one measly slice, I jumped into one of my own cabs and headed out to let loose.

  Lacey Talbot

  I woke up with a jump, realizing it was really dark outside. The movie had long since finished and I was curled up under a blanket on the sofa. Carly and I had had a really fab evening, but as soon as she became tired I sent her to bed and it seemed I’d fallen asleep, too.

  Checking my cell, I saw it was a little after one o’clock in the morning. It was really late and Tommy still wasn’t home. I went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water and saw headlights flash through the window out front. Grabbing my purse, I figured I’d pass him on the driveway and head home. When I opened the front door, I couldn’t help but chuckle. Tommy was clearly drunk and trying to converse with the unfortunate member of his payroll who’d brought him home. Watching him try to fist bump the other guy was hilarious—a YouTube moment for sure.

  “Come on, Tommy. Let the guy leave,” I urged, kicking off a rescue mission when I reached him.

  “Hey… here’s pretty Lacey.” He swayed, gently smiling in a way that showed off his perfect teeth. Tommy stumbled my way and threw his arm around my shoulder. He was big and uncoordinated, but I’d been through the same routine with Jake enough times, so I grabbed hold of his belt loops and steered him toward the house.

  “Ssh, don’t wake the baby.” He giggled at first but then I saw the grief on his face. Tonight, for him, had been about letting it all go. The drinking was almost a delayed reaction, something that most men would have already done, probably on the same night their estranged daughter had turned up. He needed his night and I couldn’t say I blamed him. I was relieved he’d chosen to do it away from Carly. Sitting and drowning your thoughts in front of the person at the centre of them was the easiest way to make them worry and feel insecure. All of this mulled around in my head as I helped him inside. I knew I couldn’t say anything to make things better so I kept quiet.

  I helped him towards the living room and let him settle on the sofa where I’d been asleep just minutes before.

  “I’ll get you a glass of water,” I told him, leaving him fiddling with his boot laces. When I returned and placed the water beside him, he was still trying to figure out how to get his boots off his feet. “Here, let me,” I said, sitting at his feet.

  “I can’t believe they did that to us. Why would they keep her from me, Lace?” he said in a serious tone, using a cute nickname he’d never called me before.

  “Who knows why people do the things they do?” I shrugged and got back to work on his shoes when he started muttering again.

  “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I could be fucking her up worse. Shit, she may not even be mine.” It was clear he’d been working through all these worries while he was out, but it was wrong of him to doubt himself. He needed to know he was doing a stand-up job, and I knew because I’d been watching.

  “Stop. You’re talking nonsense,” I affirmed, getting on the sofa beside him. “She’s won the jackpot having you for a dad. Any girl would be lucky to have you in their life.”

  Tommy stopped as if he was thinking over the speech I’d just given. He was a handsome guy. He looked after himself and was in shape. Tommy was a gentleman and you always hoped he would be driving the cab that came to collect you.

  “If I was younger,” he whispered.

  “If you were younger, what?” I asked back, feeling my heart begin to beat faster, utterly convincing myself that we were having a moment.

  “I’d show you that age is just a number. I wouldn’t make you cry, well, not with sadness anyway. I’d make certain parts of you weep.”


  Oh yeah, we were definitely having a moment. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and watched as he saw me do it. Goosebumps covered my exposed skin and the need I felt was different than what I’d had with Kyle. That was just opportunity and boredom, but this felt like real attraction, something I’d never felt before, and I was desperate to push it further.

  Tommy reached his hand out and pulled my lower lip from between my teeth. I hadn’t even realized I was nibbling it. The moment his fingers made contact, my breath hitched and my heart started to thump wildly in my chest. Before he could pull his hand away, I grabbed it with my own and moved it so it was scooped around my chin. It felt amazing and I couldn’t stop the moan of want that left my mouth at the sensation of being touched so gently by such a rugged guy.

  “We should stop now,” he told me, pleading with his eyes for me to release him from the spell he was under.

  “Do you really want to stop?”

  “Fuck no. I want to spread you out on my kitchen table and make you scream.”

  My body shivered uncontrollably. I wanted that, too. I wanted it more than I’d ever wanted anything from anyone before.

  “You need to leave, Lace, before this goes any further.” As quickly as I’d decided to throw myself at him, he dropped his hand from my face and sat back in the chair to get away from me. I could tell it took effort and will power on his part. With no further hesitation and some sober strength he’d conjured up from somewhere, he simply stood up and made for the stairs.

  The dismissal was final but he’d stirred something in me that I’d been afraid to admit to myself over the last few weeks.

  I wanted Tommy Sevens.

  I wasn’t bothered about the age difference. I’d have done anything to feel just a hint of the spark he’d set off within me a few minutes ago.

  That night was the first night I managed to get myself off while feeling some real emotion. Now I had a face I could visualize.

  And if it had that effect on me when I was alone in my bedroom, I could only begin to imagine what the real thing would feel like.