SHIVER: 13 Sexy Tales of Humor and Horror

by Liv Morris

  “Quinn, what did you dress up as?”

  “I’m the next president of the United States.”

  Finally, someone with wonderful career aspirations. “That’s a great costume, Quinn. What would you do differently if you were president?”

  “I would make sure my brother learns how to put the toilet seat down after he pees and learns how to aim his dingle berry.”

  Another round of laughter filled the room and my dreams of having at least one intelligent student went out the window.

  “Miss Summers, aren’t you going to ask me what I am?”

  “Well, Katie, it looks like you’re a Girl Scout. Didn’t you want to dress up as something different for Halloween? You get to wear your uniform throughout the year.”

  “Miss Summers, I’m not just a regular Girl Scout; I’m a Girl Scout Ambassador. That’s the highest Scout you can be. See, I’m wearing a khaki vest instead of my blue Daisy one.”“

  “And how many cookies do you have to sell to become an Ambassador?”

  Katie glared at me. “We do more than sell cookies, Miss Summers. We help old people like you walk across the street.”

  At that point, I was wondering how to make a noose out of Katie’s Daisy apron and have her accidently trip into it when Mrs. James’s voice over the loud speaker interrupted my thoughts.

  “Good morning, everyone. I hope everyone is excited for today’s festivities. We will all meet in the gym in ten minutes. Teachers please make sure all your students are accounted for and lunch money has been collected. I hope everyone has a spooktacular time.”

  I rolled my eyes and told my kids to line up at the door so we could make a bathroom run before heading to the gym. I wasn’t sure why I even bothered. At least one student would swear they didn’t need to go, but then as soon as we’d get to our destination, they’d ask to go the bathroom.

  After everyone’s potty and drink break, we shuffled into the gym, which has been transformed into a Halloween fun house. I prayed there weren’t going to be any clowns at this thing because I hated clowns. I was a true believer clowns had secret motives behind the creepy makeup. Seriously, who decided it was fun to be crammed in a tiny car with ten other clowns and a dog? I’ll bet there was a clown orgy happening in there.

  My students were like rabid dogs trying to scatter in every direction. Luckily, I had some parent volunteers helping me out. We had the kids break into small groups so everyone would get a chance to see everything. I, however, just wanted to stand next to popcorn balls on the treat table. Now, if a guy’s balls tasted like popcorn, a lot more girls would spend some quality time down there.

  “Well, well, Miss Summers, were you not able to fit into your Shamu costume this year?” Amber blew up her cheeks and waved her arms back and forth like a whale.

  I moved away from my students so they couldn’t hear me. Amber was dressed as Malibu Barbie, which was completely appropriate considering the fact she looked like she was made of plastic.

  “Amber I didn’t think anyone at the school ordered a sex doll. And if they did, I would highly suggest they ask for their money back. I’m guessing their dicks fall out of your pussy that’s been stretched out from overuse.”

  The thought of Amber having sex at all was nauseating. It fit into the same category as knowing your parents or your siblings had sex. As far as you were concerned, they were all celibate and all their babies came from the stork. But in Amber’s case, any babies who came to her rose from the depths of hell.

  “Tell me, Moxie, does Miles put an apple in your mouth instead of a ball gag since he’s fucking a pig?”

  “Do the men who are with you wear a biohazard suit because your crotch is toxic?”

  “Girls!”

  The clicking of high heels announced Mrs. Simmons as she approached. “Thank you so much for making this carnival possible. I have gift baskets for all of you in the teachers’ lounge.”

  “Wow, that’s so generous of you, Mrs. Simmons,” I said, plastering on a fake smile.

  “Oh, it was the least I could do. I understand it’s Halloween, and you have so many yummy treats, I thought a nice basket of assorted Girl Scout cookies would complement that,” she said, clasping her hands together.

  Well, at least the feral cats will have a hearty meal when I get home tonight. Shit, whom was I kidding? I’ll probably eat them all before I even get home. Damn voodoo Thin Mints. Amber gave me a tiny snarl and walked back with her group. I saw Renee standing by the inflatable bouncy house and steered my group in her direction.

  “What they hell are you wearing?” I asked when I approached her. She was wearing a red dress, green and white knee-highs, and a red baseball cap.”

  “I’m Strawberry Shortcake.”

  “Umm, doesn’t Strawberry Shortcake have red hair and a big poufy hat?

  “Do bunnies wear white Lulu Lemon yoga pants after Labor Day?

  “Touché.”

  “Are you ready for this weekend? I think it’s going to be a blast.” Renee grabbed my shoulders and shook me with excitement.

  “If there are liquor and sex swings, I’m sure it will be fun.”

  I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.

  “Come on. Where is your sense of adventure? And we are not going to a swinger party.”

  “Thank God! I don’t want to see Raj’s uncut earthworm.”

  “The uncut earthworm of which you speak gives me multiple orgasms each night, thank you very much.”

  I’ve always tried being a good friend by listening to Renee’s sexcapade details. However, she knew an uncircumcised penis completely creeped me out. She would tell me vividly grotesque stories about pulling on Raj’s foreskin during a blow job.

  “Do you ever role play like you’re calling for computer help, and he’s the tech support in India?” I said with a sly grin.

  “Moxie just because Raj is Indian does not mean he has perfected an Indian accent. Plus he lived with his family in London for so long his British accent is more predominate.”

  “So do you role play you’re the queen and he’s your English butler?” I offered an amused grin.

  “Fuck off! We’ll pick you guys up tonight at six thirty.”

  “I’ll be waiting with bated breath. And I’ll make sure to pack my knife, rope, and candlestick.”

  Renee chuckled as she walked away. I placed one hand on the bouncy house and crossed one foot over another. I had a feeling my weekend was going to be like the fun house at the carnival. Annoying and full of surprises.

  Chapter 4

  Renee and Raj pulled up to my apartment at precisely six thirty. God forbid Renee were a second late for this weekend’s festivities. She was probably worried the murder would happen without her there and she’d be clueless. I loved my best friend, but she was anal when it came to playing games and the rules.

  A few weeks ago everyone was at Miles’s place for game night. It ended in Renee walking out because someone embezzled money in Monopoly. I tried to explain we were playing real life rules and that assholes at Boardwalk Place here knocking down the slums of Baltic Avenue and putting in million-dollar high rises. I could only imagine how serious Renee would be over this murder mystery game.

  Miles was already at my place since he had to drop Dilion at his sister Kelly’s house, which was also in the city. Raj was driving his BMW S series, which was rather impressive. One of the things Raj and Renee had in common was his their love of cars and how they treated them like they were perfect children.

  “Raj, you do understand we drive on the right side of the road, right?” I liked ribbing him since he grew up in England.

  “Really?” he asked in a sexy British accent. “Someone might want to tell the cab drivers around here that.”

  Have I mentioned another reason he and Renee got along so well? They’re both road Nazis. You were on your own if one of them saw you make a turn without your blinker on.

  “Are you guys excited?” Renee turned and flashed and b
eauty queen smile.

  “I can’t wait!” I said with too much zeal. There was only so much sarcasm I could throw at this weekend. But it was kind of fun just to annoy Renee because I loved how her nose crinkled up whenever she would get pissed.

  “Moxie, don’t be a party pooper,” she chided.

  Everyone in the car, including myself, laughed at Renee’s rebuttal.

  We got out of the city and headed north to Wisconsin. The mansion wasn’t too far across the border, so the drive wasn’t long. Since it was Halloween weekend and Chicago traffic played a factor, we’d be lucky if we arrived next week. About a half hour into our drive, my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a text from the man sitting next to me.

  Hi.

  I looked up from my phone and to the beautiful man next to me. He was focused on his phone and acted as if he hadn’t just texted the person sitting next to him.

  You realize I’m sitting right next to you.

  I saw a hint of a smile tug at his lips. Within seconds his fingers where flying over the keyboard of his phone. I didn’t think you wanted me announcing to the entire car that your tits look great in that shirt.

  I smiled at him, but he was still focused on his phone. Miles was a filthy talker, and I loved every dirty word that slipped from his mouth.

  I thought about not wearing a bra, but everyone would see my nipples. I knew the comment would get a rise out of him. He loved all aspects of my body, but my nipples had a special place in his heart… and dick.

  He growled low under his breath and typed, If anyone else saw your nipples, I’d shove their eyeballs up their asses. Those beautiful buds are mine and mine alone to suck and bite.

  I crossed my legs and shifted in my seat to relieve some of the sexual ache Miles was inflicting on me. But two could play at this game. You know, I love those jeans you have on, but I like them even more when they are wrapped around your ankles while I’m sucking you off.

  Miles cleared his throat, shifted in his seat, and typed, I’m fucking pissed at you.

  What??

  Miles continued typing. You’re not wearing a skirt so I can’t slide my fingers under your panties and make you scream in the back of this car.

  I pouted. The thought of Miles taking me in the back seat of a car was hot. However, I would have to take lessons from a contortionist because the space was so small.

  Well, I’m pretty pissed at you, I typed.

  Oh, really?

  There is no room in this car for me to get on my knees and suck on your cock until your come slides down my throat.

  Miles let out a strangled cough and now it was his turn to readjust himself. Well, wouldn’t that be the car’s fault, then?

  Fuck off.

  Miles’s eyes went from looking at his phone to scanning my body. He licked his bottom lip and returned to texting. Trust me, there is nothing I’m rather be doing in the back of this car besides having you straddled on my lap fucking the shit out of you.

  I was about to text back something equally as filthy when I received text from Renee.

  You two are awfully quite back there. Everything okay?

  I snapped my head up, forgetting there were other people in the car. Yep. I’m just looking out for ghost cows.

  She replied quickly, What are you doing back there? Giving Miles a silent hand job?

  There is nothing silent when I give this man a hand job. He screams like a banshee.

  Renee giggled in the front seat while she continued to text. Oh, nice Halloween tie in there.

  A text from Miles interrupted our exchange. Who are you texting? I tell you I want to fuck you senseless, and you’re texting someone else.

  It’s Renee asking if everything is okay.

  Miles looked like I’d just killed his dog. I lost the text-off?

  I shook my head and rolled my eyes at Mile’s overreaction. Renee was worried. I couldn’t let her think we stopped breathing, could I?

  You’ve been a bad girl, Moxie. Do you know what I do to bad girls?

  I sat up a little straighter, eager to read his response. Oh, do tell.

  Just before Miles could send a return text, Renee screeched, “Eek, we’re here!”

  Raj parked the car on the street in front of a beautiful Victorian mansion. Even though it was dark outside, there were spotlights showcasing its beauty. The siding was painted a pinkish peach color while the cornices where painted green and white. There was a large round turret and windows in all shapes and sizes.

  We exited the car and grabbed our luggage from the trunk. Miles, being the stud he was, carried my bag up the stairs and placed it on the gorgeous wraparound porch.

  “This is so exciting.” Renee bounced up and down while clapping her hands. You would have thought she was a kid in a candy store.

  “Okay, can you tone it down about three notches? You’ll scare off the ghosts,” I said.

  “Oh my God. Do you think it’s haunted?”

  I rolled my eyes, walked past her, and rang the doorbell. Someone inside opened the door and greeted us with a generous smile.

  “Hello, welcome. You’re our first guests! I’m Sean, the innkeeper and your host for this weekend.” He held his arms out wide as if he were going to hug us all at once.

  Sean was somewhere in his early fifties with salt and pepper hair. He had brown welcoming eyes and a long face that reminded me of a horse. His jaw had a few days of gray stubble. Sean was tall and lanky, maybe two hundred pounds soaking wet.

  “Please, come on in. Let me help you with those bags.” He took our bags and set them in the entry. “Like I said, you’re the first ones here. Let me get my wife, Marie, and we can do some introductions.”

  This gave me a minute to look around the room. It looked like a florist had a bad case of the flu and vomited flowers all over the place. Everywhere I turned I saw flowers—on the wallpaper, the rugs, and in vases all over the room. Looking at it made me dizzy. Although if I did puke, I’m sure no one would notice since the perfume from the flowers would mask the stench perfectly.

  “Wow,” Miles whispered to me. “This is very—”

  “Art Deco?” I added as I looked around and took in all the intricate designs.

  “I was going with mortuary.”

  “Welcome, welcome, welcome.” A female trotted from another room into the entryway. “I’m Marie, Sean’s wife, and your hostess for the weekend. We are so excited to have you here for a murderistic weekend.”

  Marie hugged each one as if she had known us for years. It felt awkward to have that kind of intimacy with someone you didn’t know. It kind of reminded me of when my Aunt Beatrice, who I hadn’t seen in ten years, hugged me and told me I’d developed into a beautiful woman.

  I leaned into Renee and said, “Is murderistic a word?”

  “I wouldn’t know, I only teach the fifth grade. I believe it’s a high school word.”

  Marie was a short middle-aged woman, maybe five three with heels. She had mousy brown hair that was somewhat curly and brown eyes to match. Marie wore an apron over her red top and floral ankle length skirt. Great, more floral.

  “Well, I’m Raj, this is my girlfriend, Renee, and our friends Miles and Moxie.”

  Marie looked at me as if I’d just grown three heads. “Moxie? Well, isn’t that a usual name.”

  “My parents were hippies and continually high. They thought they put Margaret on the birth certificate,” I replied. Miles bumped me with his hip, and I decided I could behave for a while.

  “Well, let me show you to your rooms while we wait for the others to get here. One of the gentleman called, saying he was lost, so hopefully it won’t be too much longer,” Marie said.

  “Was the gentleman named Ryan?” I asked.

  “I wasn’t quite sure. Another gentleman was screaming at him, calling him obscenities, so I couldn’t quite hear.”

  “That would be Ryan and Tom,” I confirmed.

  Marie led us up a squeaky wooden staircase to the bedr
ooms. After depositing Raj and Renee at their room, she led Miles and I down the hall to ours. Marie opened a door that could have used some WD40 in its hinges. Miles walked into the room first and I followed. The room was a decent size, but held a small four poster bed. This posed as a problem, considering Miles said I were bed hogs.

  The room was decorated in shades of deep crimson The wallpaper was scarlet with shiny red imprints of flowers. The carpet was also red, but instead of flowers, it had specks of gold woven in. The portraits on the wall were of people from the nineteenth century. I doubted they were relatives of the owners, but instead purchased at Frames R Us. Next to the bed there was an antique oil lamp, probably a replica.

  “I’ll let you two get comfortable and unpack. Sean or I will alert you when the other guests arrive, and we’ll meet in the sitting room,” Marie said before closing the door behind her.

  I turned to Miles to say something sarcastic about the room, but he grabbed me so fast it almost knocked the wind of out me. He scooped me up in his arms and walked us over to the bed were he proceeded to throw me onto the mattress. The mattress made a loud squeaking sound when I landed; it was probably as old as the house.

  Miles hovered over me and braced his arms on each side of my head. I could feel some growth when his groin rubbed against me.

  “Miles, there’s no need to be afraid. I’ll hold your hand during the scary parts,” I said with a sly smile.”

  “Oh the only person who should be scared here is you. You were very naughty in the car and need a good spanking.”

  “Whatever do you mean, Mr. Dane?” I tried to do my best southern belle impersonation, even pretending to fan myself for extra effect.

  Miles rolled us over so I was on top of him. He gripped my ass in both hands and squeezed hard. But then he surprised me and slapped one of my ass cheeks. Maybe I should have been pissed, but holy hell, it was such a turn on. Before I could retaliate there was a knock on the door.

  “Hey, Miles and Mox, we’re wanted in the sitting room,” Renee called.