A Hopeful Heart

by Amy Clipston

  Amanda fell into step beside her, their feet crunching their way up the rock driveway. “Maybe she can talk to the school board and help you get the job or something.” She felt like she was clutching at vague possibilities. She knew her mamm would probably have to apologize to the church body to stop the rumor mill, but she didn’t want to see her humiliated for having a friend.

  “That’s a gut idea. I’ll ask her to help me get the job.” Lillian stopped at the bottom porch step and her expression was full of anger. “I don’t understand why Mamm hugged Mr. Peterson. She had to have known there would be consequences. If she hadn’t hugged him, I would have a chance at getting the teaching job, and everything would be just fine. I don’t understand why she did this to us.”

  Amanda studied her sister’s smoldering green eyes. “I’m certain Mamm didn’t mean to cause all of this. I believe the hug was innocent. She was probably upset about Andrew, and she needed a hug.”

  Lillian shook her head. “I don’t know, Amanda. I’m starting to wonder if Mammi was right. Maybe Mamm loves Mr. Peterson and she wants to be with him.”

  Amanda shook her head and touched her sister’s arm. “You know you don’t mean that. Give Mamm the benefit of the doubt. Mr. Peterson is her friend.”

  Lillian shook her head. “I’m trying my best to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m really upset right now. I was humiliated after I talked to Elizabeth Beiler.”

  “I’m sure you were, but just calm down a minute.” Amanda paused and wondered if her sister ever dreamed of having more opportunities beyond their community. “Lily, I need to ask you something before we go inside.”

  “What?”

  “Everyone is so critical of Mamm having an English freind, but don’t you ever wonder what it’s like to be English? I mean, do you ever even have a little, tiny fleeting thought about it?”

  Lillian blinked and then scrunched her nose as if she were disgusted. “No. Why would I?”

  “You want to be the teacher, right?”

  Lillian studied Amanda. “You already know the answer to that.”

  “Wouldn’t you love to be even more educated than you are before you start teaching the scholars? Don’t you ever wonder what it would be like to go to college?”

  Lillian’s eyes widened. “You’re scaring me.”

  “I’m talking hypothetically.” Amanda wished she could take back everything she’d said. She’d hoped her sister might understand her curiosity, but Lillian’s shocked expression said something different. “Never mind. Forget I said anything at all.” She started up the steps.

  “Wait.” Lillian grabbed Amanda’s arm. “Are you thinking of leaving the community and going to college?”

  “No. I’m only curious, and I was wondering if you were too. There’s a whole big world out there, and sometimes I wonder about it.”

  Lillian’s eyes remained wide. “I’ve never considered leaving. I know what I want. I want to be the full-time teacher. I want to be baptized, and I want to marry an Amish man.” She pointed toward the ground. “I want to raise a family right here in Paradise. I hope to stay in this church district with the people I’ve known my whole life.”

  Amanda nodded. I wish I could say the same.

  Lillian raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth to speak, but the back door opening interrupted her.

  Amanda swallowed the breath she was holding. She was thankful Lillian didn’t have the opportunity to ask her what she wanted out of life because she knew Lillian would never comprehend her desire to go to college and become a veterinarian.

  “Maed?” Mamm stepped out onto the porch. “Why are you standing out here? Come in.”

  Amanda followed her sister into the house and prayed the Lord would guide their words as they spoke to their mamm.

  Lillian stepped into the kitchen and took a deep breath. “Mamm, we need to talk.”

  “Ach.” Mamm frowned. “From the look on your face, it must be serious.”

  “It is.” Lillian motioned toward the table. “Would it be okay if we sat for a few minutes?”

  “Of course.” Mamm sat in a chair on one side of the table, and the twins sat across from her. “Did something happen tonight?”

  Lillian glanced at Amanda and wished her sister would start the conversation. She didn’t know where to begin.

  “Do you want me to start?” Amanda offered.

  “No.” Lillian sat up straighter. “I can do this.” She cleared her throat. “I took your advice and spoke to Elizabeth Beiler after the service.”

  Her mother smiled. “How did it go?”

  “Not well at all. She told me I most likely wouldn’t be considered for the position, even though I’m a gut assistant.” Lillian shook her head. “She said there were concerns about you.”

  Her mother looked back and forth between the sisters. “What concerns do people have about me?”

  “Leroy King and I talked tonight at the singing, and he said he knew why Elizabeth said that.” Lillian’s lip began to tremble with a mixture of disappointment and anger. “There are rumors spreading about you and Mr. Peterson. Apparently someone has told folks about how you hugged him on Wednesday when Andrew was injured.”

  “Oh, dear.” Mamm shook her head. “I’m sorry.” She paused. “I don’t know why anyone would do this.”

  Lillian felt her expression harden. “Leroy said Daniel saw you hug Mr. Peterson, but he didn’t tell anyone since he’s afraid of losing his job here. I can only imagine it was Mammi who told people about it. I don’t know if Onkel Josh saw it.”

  “I’m so sorry, Lily.” Mamm leaned over to touch Lillian’s hand, but she pulled it out of reach. Her mother looked hurt, but she continued speaking. “I never meant to hurt you or your siblings.”

  “Why did you hug him?” Amanda asked.

  She touched Amanda’s hand. “I was upset and worried about Andrew. I never thought I would lose your dat, but now I find myself worrying I will lose the rest of you too. I needed a friend, and Trey was there. But I never intended to hurt any of you. You know that, right?”

  Lillian shook her head. “If you never meant to hurt us, then why did you hug him in public, Mamm? This has really made a mess for me, and I don’t know what to do. What if I can’t work in the school anymore because of what people are saying? That’s my dream, and I may have lost it now.”

  Mamm blew out a deep breath. “I said I’m sorry, Lily. I would never deliberately hurt you or the rest of the family.” She paused and then shook her head. “I’ll make it right for you. I’ll talk to the bishop. I’ll tell him I made a mistake, and I’ll confess in front of the congregation if I have to.”

  “No.” Amanda’s word was strong and loud, causing Hannah to blanch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it with such force, but I think this is ridiculous.”

  “What do you mean?” Lillian studied her sister. Why is Amanda acting so narrisch tonight?

  “I don’t think Mamm has done anything wrong. She was upset, and she hugged Mr. Peterson. That’s all she did.” Amanda tapped the table as she spoke. “But if Mammi is the one who is spreading rumors, she’s committing a sin. Yet Mammi isn’t in any trouble while the whole community is picking Mamm apart and Lillian isn’t allowed to be a teacher. Why doesn’t anyone see the irony here?”

  Lillian glared at her sister. “We’ve already discussed this, Amanda. These are the rules we live by.”

  “Sometimes I think the rules are wrong.” Amanda slumped in the chair and folded her arms.

  Lillian stared at her. “What’s going on with you? You’ve never been this outspoken before, and you’ve never questioned our beliefs.”

  Amanda studied the tabletop.

  Lillian looked at her mother, who shrugged in response.

  “Lily,” Mamm began, “I’ll talk to the bishop and get this all cleared up.”

  “Don’t do it.” Amanda looked up, her eyes full of determination. “Everyone will forget about it eventually. There
’s no reason for you to talk to the bishop and draw more attention to yourself.”

  Their mother looked back and forth between her daughters. “I’ll do whatever Lillian wants me to do.”

  Lillian considered her sister’s words. “Fine. Don’t talk to the bishop yet. Let’s wait a few weeks and see what happens. I can always apply for a teaching job in another community too. It’s only May.”

  “That sounds gut.” Mamm stood. “We’d better head to bed. Work comes early in the morning.”

  They said good night, and then Lillian followed her sister up to their room, where they changed and then climbed into bed. Lillian couldn’t stop thinking about how different Amanda seemed. She’d never before heard her sister talking about leaving the Amish community or getting more schooling. What had happened to her twin?

  “Amanda?” she whispered through the dark. “Are you still awake?”

  “Ya.”

  “Is everything all right?”

  “I’m fine. Why?”

  Lillian rolled over and faced her sister. “You just seem different.”

  “I do?”

  “You never used to question our rules before. Did something happen to you?”

  “No, nothing has happened. I guess I’m just seeing the world differently lately. I don’t think the way we live is wrong, but I also don’t think it’s the only right way to live.”

  Lillian contemplated Amanda’s words for a moment. Although they made sense, they seemed unusual for Amanda.

  “Lily, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just doing a lot of thinking.” She paused, and her voice softened. “I don’t think I’m ready to be baptized.”

  “It’s okay.” Lillian touched her sister’s arm. “You don’t have to rush into it. Mamm always said we shouldn’t be baptized until we’re certain.”

  “I hope you’re not disappointed in me, but I need more time.” Amanda yawned through the dark. “Get some sleep. Everything will be okay. I promise.”

  “Gut nacht.” Lillian stared up toward the dark ceiling and watched the shadows transform into strange shapes.

  Amanda’s breathing altered to a slow and steady pattern, and soon she was snoring quietly from her side of the bed. Lillian listened to her breathing and wondered how life could change so quickly. It seemed as if only last month she was happy working as the assistant teacher and admiring Leroy King from afar. Now her mother was the subject of community rumors, her sister was wondering about college, and Leroy King was spending time talking to her alone. How could everything be so wonderful and so confusing all at the same time?

  Lillian rolled onto her side facing away from her sister and closed her eyes. She sent a silent prayer up to God, asking him to guide her confusing feelings and lead her family toward the right path.

  After her daughters had disappeared up the stairs, Hannah stepped onto the back porch. She stared up at the clear, dark sky and wondered how she’d wound up in this predicament.

  She’d never doubted her place in the community before, but now she found herself just a few steps away from being ostracized. Not only had friends and family stared at her and treated her differently after the church service, but now her daughter was the victim of the vicious rumors that were circling about Hannah.

  And, to make matters more complicated, she was still daydreaming about Trey Peterson. Her heart warmed every time she thought of the embrace they’d shared, and she was excited about any chance to continue helping him plan the bed and breakfast. She was falling in love with him, and she was both excited and terrified to follow her strong feelings for him. How could she love a man when that love was causing problems for her precious children?

  Hannah closed her eyes and sent up a silent prayer.

  Lord, please help me sort through these confusing feelings. I loved Gideon with all my heart, and I was content in our life together. Now that he’s gone, I’m not certain where I belong. Trey’s friendship feels like a gift from you, and all that comes from you is gut. However, my relationship with him is causing problems for both me and my children. What does all of this mean? Where do you want me to belong? Please give me a sign so that I can do your will. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.

  She opened her eyes and heaved a deep breath. Opening up to God always gave her comfort, but tonight she was still confused. She hoped a sign would come to her soon. She couldn’t deny that her feelings for Trey were growing, despite the community’s negativity.

  Hannah made her way back into the house and locked the door. She changed into her bedclothes and then climbed into bed. As she fell asleep, she wondered what the future would hold for her and her family.

  SIXTEEN

  The following Wednesday afternoon, Hannah sat with her coworkers during lunch. She smiled while Carolyn shared a story about her nephews playing in the mud before they were supposed to leave for church. She wished she could share a funny story as well. Yet her thoughts had been tied up with confusion about her feelings for Trey and her heartbreak over Lillian’s problems getting the teaching job. She prayed about it every night, but the solution didn’t seem obvious to her. She wondered if she was concentrating on it too much or if she was missing the answer that was right before her eyes.

  After lunch, she cleaned up the table while Linda and Carolyn left to complete their chores for the afternoon.

  “Hannah?” Ruth lingered in the doorway to the break room. “Are you all right?”

  Hannah looked back toward Ruth. “Honestly? No, I’m not.”

  Ruth closed the door and gestured toward the table. “Sit. We still have a few minutes before our hour is up.” They sat across from each other. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I’m confused about some things.” Hannah bent her arm and rested her chin on her hand. “I’ve been praying about it, but the confusion hasn’t gotten any better.”

  Ruth nodded slowly. “Is this about the Englisher?”

  Hannah frowned. “You’ve heard what they’re saying about me?”

  “I wish I could deny it, but that would be lying.” Ruth shook her head. “I heard it Sunday, and I wanted to say something to you.”

  “What do you think of me now?”

  Ruth smiled. “You’re mei freind, and you’ll always be mei freind, Hannah, no matter what people say.”

  “Do you really feel that way?” Hannah leveled her eyes at Ruth. “You know that’s not what we’re taught. We’re supposed to be faithful to our beliefs, and we need to rein in those who sin.”

  “Ya, that’s true, but I think sometimes people forget the Scripture verse from Ephesians: ‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.’“

  “What I did wasn’t immoral, but I feel as if I’m being treated like I did something immoral.”

  “Did you hug the Englisher?”

  Hannah nodded. “I did. His name is Trey, and we’ve become gut freinden. He helped me last Wednesday when my son was injured. Andrew fell and got a bad gash above his eye.”

  “Linda told me that you had to rush home.”

  Hannah explained what had happened that day, and Ruth listened. “I didn’t really think it through. I hugged him because I needed someone to comfort me, and being with him feels natural. It’s as if I’ve known him my whole life.”

  “The Lord puts special people in our lives when we least expect it.” Ruth’s smile faded. “But you know what happened will have implications in the community. Someone witnessed it and told another person. And you know how news spreads in our district.”

  “I know, and it’s already affecting my family, especially mei dochder Lillian.” Hannah glowered. “Lillian wants to be a teacher and has learned about a teaching opportunity. She spoke to Elizabeth Beiler about it on Sunday, and Elizabeth said the board may not consider her because of concerns about me.” She studied Ruth’s caring eyes, hoping to find an answer there. “I just don’t know what to do. The other night I talked to mei dochdern about it, and I offered to g
o to the bishop. Amanda told me not to do it. She doesn’t want to see me humiliated in front of the whole community. But Lillian is suffering over this.”

  “You could just talk to the bishop and promise to never see the man again.”

  Hannah hesitated. “I don’t know if I can promise that.”

  Ruth’s eyebrows careened toward her graying hairline. “How do you feel about this man?”

  “I can’t deny I care for him.”

  “Hannah …” Ruth leaned forward and lowered her voice. “You’re treading on dangerous ground. I understand you’re lonely, but you’re looking for company in the wrong places. I’m certain there’s someone in our community who has experienced a similar loss. You just haven’t given it enough time.”

  “I wasn’t looking for this, Ruth. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This has shocked me as much as it has shocked you. I always wanted to be Amish. I never doubted my future when I was mei dochdern’s age. I was baptized with mei freinden, and I pledged my life to the community.” Hannah paused and thought of Gideon. “When I met Gideon, I felt my life was complete. I loved him with my whole heart, and our kinner were our greatest blessing. I never imagined I’d feel confused about my life and about where I belong.”

  “You have doubts about being Amish?” Ruth grimaced.

  Hannah couldn’t speak for a moment. “My community is my home, and it’s all I’ve ever known. My family and my friends are here. But I doubt I can walk away from my friendship with Trey.”

  “What if you’re shunned? What will you do then?”

  “I don’t know. That’s why I’ve been praying with my heart and soul, begging God to show me the right path.”

  “But where does that leave your kinner? They’re a part of this community.” Ruth tapped the table for emphasis. “Everything they know is in our church district. Are you willing to take them away from that?”

  Hannah shook her head as her eyes filled with tears. “No, I’m not.”

  “I think you need to pray about this some more. You need to figure out what you want and what you want for your kinner. I don’t want to see you upset anymore, but I also don’t want to see your kinner suffer. They went through a lot when Gideon died.” Ruth’s expression softened. “You’ll find the answer. Just be certain you’re listening.”