A Hopeful Heart

by Amy Clipston

  Amanda cleared her throat. “I’m going to start with Romans chapter eight, since we read chapter seven the other night. ‘There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.’“

  “Wait.” Hannah held up her hand. “Amanda, would you please read that again?”

  “Ya.” Amanda repeated the first two verses.

  “I like that.” Andrew tapped his fingers on the table. “To me, it means we’re free because of Jesus.”

  “Exactly.” Lillian touched Andrew’s nose. “You’re a smart bu.”

  Andrew glared at her. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a boppli.”

  “No bickering during devotions.” Hannah looked at Amanda. “Those are two beautiful verses. Continue, Amanda.”

  She finished reading the chapter, and then they bowed their heads in silent prayer.

  Amanda closed up the Bible. “Who are we going to go visit today?”

  “Onkel Josh says we can go to Mammi’s today.” Lillian stood and pointed toward the door. “We can ride with him.”

  “Let’s go!” Andrew started for the door. “I think he was finishing up when I came in for devotions.”

  Amanda followed him with Lillian in tow.

  Hannah’s stomach lurched. She couldn’t imagine a day spent with Barbie. She knew she needed to forgive her for all she had said, but she couldn’t stand the idea of trying to make small talk knowing about the rumor she had started. She also wasn’t ready to face Joshua after he’d nearly proposed to her the other night. Although she appreciated his desire to marry her, she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of marrying a man she didn’t truly love. Yet she also didn’t want to break his heart.

  “Mamm?” Lillian turned to her. “Are you coming?”

  “I think I’m going to stay home today. My stomach is a little upset.” She pointed in the direction of her bedroom. “I’m going to lie down.”

  Lillian’s eyes rounded. “You’re grank?”

  “Do you want me to stay home with you?” Amanda stepped toward her. “I can make you some tea.”

  “No, no.” Hannah waved off the offer. “I’ll be just fine. You all go and enjoy your time with your mammi. I’ll be fine here. Just go on without me.”

  “I hope you feel better.” Andrew smiled and then rushed through the mudroom toward the porch.

  Lillian frowned. “If you need us, just leave a message on Mammi’s answering machine. I’ll check it periodically.”

  Hannah nodded. “I will. Danki, mei liewe.”

  Lillian exited through the mudroom, but Amanda hesitated.

  “I’m fine, Amanda.” Hannah gestured toward the door. “You can go.”

  “Are you certain?” Amanda raised her eyebrows. “Is there something you’re not telling us?”

  Hannah considered telling her daughter the truth, but she didn’t want to upset Amanda or drag her into something that had nothing to do with her. Why burden a child with adult problems? “I just would like some time alone.”

  Amanda nodded. “I understand that. I’ll explain to Onkel Josh. Enjoy the quiet.”

  “I will. Danki.” Hannah smiled. “I’ll see you around supper time.”

  “See you later.” Amanda made her way out the door.

  Hannah watched out the kitchen window as her children climbed into Joshua’s buggy. The horse came to life and soon the buggy was rattling down the driveway and out of sight. She was grateful Joshua hadn’t come in to check on her.

  Hannah scanned the kitchen and listened. The walls blanketed her in deafening silence. Loneliness filled her like a suffocating fog. She’d hoped being alone would give her a sense of peace, but instead she felt hollow.

  Hannah sat at the kitchen table and opened the Bible. She flipped to Romans chapter eight and scanned the verses Amanda had read aloud. She concentrated on verses 1 and 2, which had spoken so loudly to her earlier: “… because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”

  The Scripture spoke to her heart and erased the loneliness that had filled her when her family left. The Scripture told her she was forgiven. If she was forgiven, then why did she have to ignore her feelings for Trey?

  Hannah closed the Bible and padded to her room, where she opened her top bureau drawer and dug through her clothing to find the business card Trey had given her the last time they’d spoken. She stared at his cellular phone number and considered calling him. What damage could a phone call do? She just wanted to hear his voice and see how he was. It would be an innocent phone call between two friends and nothing more.

  She clutched the business card in her hand while she headed out to the barn. She stood in front of the phone and her stomach tightened. She’d never called Trey on the phone before. What would she say to him? Hannah shook her head and quietly laughed at herself. She was acting like a silly teenager who had a crush on a boy.

  She lifted the receiver and dialed the number. After three rings, the call connected.

  “Hello?” Trey’s voice came through the phone. It sounded warm and smooth, just as she’d remembered.

  “Hi, Trey. This is Hannah.” She coiled the cord around her finger as she spoke. “How are you?”

  “Hannah!” The excitement in his voice caused her to forget her worries and smile. “I’m great. How are you doing?”

  “I’m fine.” She lowered herself onto the stool by the desk that held the phone.

  “I’m surprised to hear from you. I thought you couldn’t see me.”

  “I needed to know how you are.” She glanced toward the barn door and looked up at the blue sky. “It’s a beautiful day.”

  “Yes, it is. I was just heading out to church.” He paused. “Don’t you have church?”

  “Not today. It’s an off Sunday.” She ran her fingers over the desk, which Gideon had built many years ago when they first moved out to the farm. “We have church every other Sunday. Today’s a day for visiting. My children went to visit their grandparents, but I decided to stay home.”

  “Oh.” His tone was inquisitive. “Would you like to go to church with me?”

  Hannah hesitated. Although she was permitted to visit other churches, she knew that being spotted with Trey again might be a risk. Yet she felt drawn to both Trey and the possibility of experiencing his way of worshiping the Lord.

  “Yes.” Her voice was more confident than she’d expected. “I would like that very much.”

  “Great! I can be there to pick you up in about ten minutes.”

  “Wonderful. I’ll see you soon.” Hannah hung up the phone and her heart skipped a beat.

  She rushed into the house to get ready. By the time Trey’s car pulled into the driveway, she had freshened up and changed into her best dress.

  She hurried down the porch steps and met him at the car. He seemed more handsome than she’d remembered, and she found herself captivated by him. He was clad in a gray suit with a blue tie. His hair and goatee were perfectly manicured, and his eyes were warm and kind. She smiled up at him, and her heart turned over in her chest.

  Was this love?

  Confusion gripped her and she felt lightheaded for a moment. How had she managed to fall in love with an Englisher? The question hit her like a thousand bales of hay falling from the loft in the barn.

  All her life Hannah had wanted to be Amish. She’d been baptized when she turned eighteen, and she cherished the members of her community. She coveted the plain life and raising her children on the horse farm Gideon and Joshua had built together. She’d never longed for the opulent English life. Never once had she longed for fancy clothes, or jewelry, or the convenience of cars and cellular phones. Working at the hotel had only helped to secure her Amish faith.

  Yet now she found herself standing at a crossroads, and her heart was stuck in her throat. She felt as if she didn’t know herself anymore. She’d never exp
ected her love for the only life she’d ever known to be threatened. She felt excitement mixed with fear bubble up inside her, and she needed God to guide her through this confusion.

  Lord, what does this all mean? Is this the path you’ve chosen for me? Do you want me to leave the community I love and be shunned?

  Trey’s smile cut through her thoughts. “Good morning.”

  “Good morning.” She hoped her voice didn’t reveal the confusion rioting within her.

  “You look lovely.”

  “Thank you.” She smiled while marveling at how he made her feel alive for the first time in years. Her heart pounded for him after not having felt the excitement of falling in love since she was a young woman.

  Trey opened the passenger side door and made a sweeping gesture. “Please get in and make yourself comfortable. We have to get on the road if we’re going to make it for the opening hymn.”

  Hannah settled herself into the seat and breathed in the leather while fastening her seat belt.

  Trey steered out of the driveway and the car bounced onto the paved road. “I was really shocked but happy to get your call this morning. What made you change your mind about seeing me again?”

  Hannah turned toward him. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and it seems like every road leads me to you.”

  He gave her a sideways glance while raising an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve tried to keep myself from thinking of you. When my children left this morning, I thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet and instead I felt lonely. The house was too quiet. I found myself longing to call you to fill the void.”

  “I’m honored that you called me.”

  “I also have a story I want to share with you. There was a reason I was so distant when we talked the other day.” She watched the farms pass by out the window while she told him about her meeting with the bishop.

  “You had to go apologize for hugging me to get Lillian a chance to be the teacher?” Trey asked after she’d finished her story.

  Hannah nodded. “We live by rules, and the rules are very important to us. The community perceived our relationship as immoral, even though we didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “And you’re breaking another rule by being with me again. Couldn’t the rumors be worse this time?”

  “Ya, they could be. People may assume I want to leave the community or they may continue to accuse me of having an immoral relationship.”

  “What would happen then?”

  “If I don’t confess in front of the congregation, I could be shunned.”

  Trey slowed to a stop at a red light and looked at her with his eyes wide. “Do you want to be shunned, Hannah?”

  “All I know is that I need to be with you. And there is nothing wrong with that. If everything comes from God, then that means this relationship does too. How can our friendship be wrong if it came from God?”

  He shook his head. “But you just said you apologized for hugging me so that you could help Lillian. What will happen to your children if you’re shunned?”

  “I don’t know,” she whispered.

  “Hannah.” He touched her hand, and his skin was warm. “I don’t want you to do anything to hurt your children. Nothing is worth hurting them.”

  “I know, but it’s more complicated than that. I’m not trying to hurt them. I’m trying to do what I believe is right.” She shook her head. “Amanda read Romans chapter eight this morning during devotions and two verses spoke to my heart.” She recited the verses. “I don’t believe I need to let my community prevent me from doing something that in my heart I believe isn’t a sin. Does that make sense?”

  The light turned green, and a horn tooted behind them.

  Hannah smiled. “You’d better go. The people behind us are in a hurry too.”

  Trey negotiated a turn and then pulled into the parking lot of Paradise Community Church.

  Hannah looked up at the white church and admired the bell tower and stained glass window. It seemed like any other church she’d ridden by in her life. Her stomach tightened at the idea of walking inside it. She’d never stepped foot in a church before, and the possibility of worshiping in a different way was exciting.

  “Are you ready?” Trey’s smile was hesitant. “If you’re uncomfortable, I can take you home. I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you to go to church with me.”

  “I agreed to this, Trey. Don’t feel as if you’re forcing me to do anything.” She pushed the door open. “I’m ready.”

  They walked across the parking lot, and Trey waved and smiled at members of the congregation who greeted him by name. Hannah nodded in response to their curious smiles and waves to her.

  A man in a suit held open the large wooden door as Hannah and Trey entered the church. Another well-dressed man standing at the entrance to the sanctuary handed Hannah a folded booklet with a beautiful image of a waterfall and a Scripture verse under it.

  “Thank you.” Hannah took the booklet and glanced up at Trey as they moved toward the pews.

  “It’s called a bulletin.” His words were soft in her ear. “It has information in it, such as the order of the service, hymn numbers, and church meetings and events.”

  Hannah followed him to a row near the back and sat beside him by the aisle. She glanced through the bulletin. It felt strange to have the service printed out in her hand. She’d never been in a sanctuary or sat in a pew. She was used to sitting on a backless bench in the home or barn of a community member every other week.

  She looked up toward the front of the room and found an altar with two large vases filled with a spray of purple and white hyacinths and orchids. Although they were beautiful flowers, they seemed out of place to her since there was neither an altar nor flowers in the Amish church tradition. Hannah turned her gaze up toward the large stained glass cross hanging over the pulpit and wondered what her children would think of the beautiful display. The cross gave the large room a warm feeling. She could almost feel God’s presence above her, and the thought gave her a chill.

  “Good morning.” A man leaned down and shook Trey’s hand. “It’s good to see you back here.” He looked at Hannah and smiled.

  “Hi, Tony.” Trey gestured toward Hannah. “This is my friend, Hannah. She wanted to come to worship with me today. Hannah, this is Tony.”

  “It’s nice to meet you.” Tony shook her hand. “Welcome to Paradise Community Church. We’re happy to see you here.”

  “Thank you.” Hannah pushed the ribbons from her prayer covering behind her shoulders. She smiled at a few members of the congregation who made their way past Tony and nodded a greeting to her.

  Tony and Trey chatted about the weather for a moment, and Hannah turned her attention back to the bulletin. She read a lengthy prayer list that warmed her heart. It was wonderful to see members of the congregation praying for their family and friends. She perused a list of the weekly events, taking in the different church committees and organizations that were active there.

  Suddenly the organ sounded, and Hannah jumped. The music was another foreign element to Hannah. No instruments were ever played during Amish services. The voices swirling around Hannah faded to a murmur as if on cue. The knot of people loitering in the aisle filed into pews.

  Trey leaned over to her and Hannah enjoyed the familiar scent of his aftershave. “Are you okay?”

  “Ya.” She nodded. “I was startled by the organ, but it’s beautiful. I’m enjoying the music. It’s different from what I’m used to, but I like it.”

  When the music stopped, the minister took his place in the pulpit. He was a tall man with a warm voice and pleasant smile. He looked to be in his early fifties. Although Hannah was used to hearing Pennsylvania Dietsch and German during her community’s services, she felt at ease listening to his greeting in English.

  She glanced around and found the other members of the congregation nodding and smiling while the minister spoke. Hannah marveled at how comfortable
she felt.

  The organ began playing again, and the congregation stood. Trey handed Hannah a hymnal and she flipped through it to find the appropriate hymn listed in the bulletin and on the board at the front of the sanctuary. The congregation began to sing, and Hannah listened for a few moments, enjoying the warm rich sound of Trey’s voice beside her. She smiled up at him and he winked, causing her heart to flutter. She joined in with the hymn singing, enjoying the opportunity to worship the Lord with a new song. Happiness filled her heart.

  Once the hymn was over, the congregation sat and a woman approached the pulpit and read aloud the lessons for the day. Hannah folded her hands and concentrated on taking in God’s Word. The verse in Psalm 62 struck a chord in her: “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

  The verse echoed through her mind while the reader finished the lesson and continued to float through her thoughts during the minister’s sermon. The minister’s message of hope and trust through adversity spoke to her heart, just as the psalm had. It seemed as if God was blessing her through this small church. Although the building and the service were foreign to Hannah, she felt at home.

  Once the sermon was over, Hannah followed along with the remainder of the service, singing the hymns and reciting the prayers. When the members of the church lined up to go to the front of the sanctuary for communion, Hannah touched Trey’s arm. “I’d like to stay here. I’m not comfortable taking communion.”

  “That’s fine.” Trey smiled. “Only do the things that feel right to you, okay?”

  “Okay.” She nodded.

  After one last hymn, the service ended, and Hannah followed Trey into the aisle, where they stood in line to meet the minister. A few people walked over to greet Trey, and he introduced Hannah to them. Each person welcomed her to the church and invited her to come back. She smiled and thanked them for their kindness.

  They reached the front of the line, and Trey shook the minister’s hand. “Pastor Bob. This is my friend Hannah Glick. She wanted to come to church with me today. Hannah, this is Pastor Bob.”

  “Hello.” Hannah shook his hand. “I enjoyed your service today.”