A Hopeful Heart

by Amy Clipston

  Mamm frowned. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. Lily and I disagree about something, but we’ll work it out. It’s nothing you have to worry about.”

  Andrew thought about the argument and what he heard while he was hiding on the stairs. “It has to do with Mr. Peterson, right?”

  Mamm sat on the edge of his bed and sighed. “Ya, it does.”

  “Lily doesn’t want you to be freinden with him.”

  She hesitated and then nodded. “Ya, that’s mostly the reason.”

  “And Lily said she was going to move in with Mammi if you stay freinden with him.”

  “Ya, that’s what she said.” Her eyes became shiny as tears filled them.

  Andrew’s stomach twisted. He hated seeing Mamm cry. He couldn’t stand it when she was upset and he didn’t want to make her cry. Seeing her cry would make him cry too. She seemed to be upset lately, and he assumed it all had to do with her friendship with Mr. Peterson. Andrew didn’t want to make his mamm cry like Lily did, so he was going to do his best to be gut.

  “I won’t leave you.” Andrew shook his head. “I won’t go with Lily if she leaves us. I’ll stay right here with you.”

  She rubbed his hand. “Danki, Andrew. That makes me froh.” Relief flooded him when she smiled.

  He wanted her to keep smiling, so he tried to think of something positive to say to make her happy. “I can be friends with Mr. Peterson too. He seems nice. He likes horses, so I know I will get along with him. He had a horse that looked like Huckleberry, which means we already have something in common.”

  “That’s gut. Everything will be fine, so don’t worry about it.” She leaned down and kissed his forehead. “It’s time to go to bed now. Don’t forget to say your prayers. Ich liebe dich, mei liewe.”

  “I love you too, Mamm.” He rolled over and yawned. “Gut nacht.”

  Hannah gently closed Andrew’s door and heaved a deep sigh. She was thankful Andrew wasn’t upset after the argument earlier. She worried he would feel caught in the middle between her and Lillian.

  She stepped into the hallway and crossed to her daughters’ room. She and Lillian hadn’t talked since their argument. Although she couldn’t stand the silence between her and her daughter, she wanted to give Lillian time to calm down. She hoped they could talk tomorrow.

  Amanda was sitting on the bed reading a book. “Are you reading one of Lily’s novels?”

  Amanda looked up and panic crossed her face. “No, I was just looking at something.” She placed the book on the bureau beside her. “Lily’s in the shower.”

  “Oh, gut. That gives us a few minutes to talk. What’s that?” Hannah craned her neck in an attempt to see what book her daughter had been perusing. “The Veterinarian’s Manual?” She read the title aloud and then studied her daughter’s worried expression. “Why are you reading that?”

  Amanda’s eyes widened with worry. “Because I want to be a vet,” she whispered.

  “You want to be a vet?” Hannah was stunned by the news. “I had no idea, Amanda.” She sank into a chair by the bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was afraid to. I’ve only told one person.” She cleared her throat.

  “Who is that one person?”

  Amanda hesitated.

  Hannah folded her hands in her lap. “I’ll listen without judgment.”

  “His name is Mike.” She grimaced. “He’s not Amish. He’s a bu who comes into the deli.”

  Hannah nodded slowly. “And you’ve become freinden?”

  “We have. He’s become a very gut freind.” She grabbed the book from the bureau and ran her fingers over the cover while she spoke. “He’s leaving for college at the end of the summer. His uncle owns the bookstore across from the deli, and Mike plans to work at the bookstore this summer. Mike wants to be a doctor, and I told him about how I want to be a vet. I’ve always loved working with the horses and the rest of the animals on our farm. That’s why I’ve become friends with the vet who lives across the street from us. I want to talk to him about where he went to college. I’d love to know what the classes are like.”

  “Amanda, you could’ve told me this. I want to know about your hopes and dreams, and I will never chastise you when you share them with me.” Hannah suddenly recalled a brief conversation she’d had with Amanda on Sunday. “Does this have something to do with why you argued with Nancy?”

  Amanda gnawed her lower lip. “Ya, it does. Mike and I talked one day outside while I was eating lunch, and I asked him about college. He explained that I could go, but I would have to get my GED first. He said I’d have to take a test to get my GED, and I would have to study a big book. I went to the bookstore to see what the book looked like, and Nancy heard me ask the bookstore owner about it.”

  “And she was upset that you wanted to find out about the GED.” Hannah filled in the blanks.

  “Ya.” Amanda frowned. “She and I had a terrible argument, but she promised not to tell her parents I’m thinking about getting my GED.”

  “So you are thinking about it?”

  Amanda hesitated.

  “You know it’s your choice, ya?”

  “Just like it’s your choice to be with Mr. Peterson.”

  Hannah sighed. “Ya, you’re right, but my choice is much more complicated than yours. You’re not baptized, Amanda. You can do whatever you’d like, no matter what Nancy—or even Lillian—says. And I’ll always love you and be your mamm no matter what you choose.”

  Amanda nodded. “Danki. I really like Mr. Peterson, Mamm. He’s so kind and thoughtful. I don’t blame you for being his friend.”

  “Danki.” Hannah was so touched by her daughter’s support and understanding that tears filled her eyes.

  Amanda pushed her long, blond hair back from her shoulder. “I want to buy that GED book and look at it. I’m afraid I’m not smart enough to pass the test, but I want to try. I can’t shake this dream of owning my own vet clinic. I could help animals all day long.”

  “I believe you’re smart enough, Amanda.” Hannah smiled. “If that’s what you want to do, and you feel the Lord is leading you down that path, then you should at least look into the possibilities.”

  Amanda stared down at the veterinary book. “But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave. This is the only life I’ve ever known. Would our family understand?” She looked up and tears glistened in her eyes. “I want to have my vet clinic, but I don’t want to lose my family. Would Mammi and Daadi still love me? Would they come to see my clinic? Would they write me while I’m in college?”

  Hannah reached over and took Amanda’s hand in hers, hoping to ease her tears. “Of course they would still love you and they would support you. They may not understand why you want to go to college, but you’re not baptized. They would still treat you like family. You could open a vet clinic nearby and we’d all visit you. It’s your decision, Amanda.”

  “But since you’re baptized, it wouldn’t be as easy for you if you left.”

  Hannah shook her head. “No, it wouldn’t be as easy for me. I could easily lose your sister, and I don’t think that’s something I can live with.”

  Amanda nodded. “I understand. You’re in a much tougher position than I am.”

  “That’s very true.”

  “You should pray about it.” Amanda squeezed Hannah’s hand. “You should see where God leads you.”

  Hannah studied her daughter’s eyes. “I will. And you should do the same, mei liewe.”

  She said good night to Amanda and then headed downstairs to her bedroom. She stared at the ceiling and contemplated her situation while begging God to guide her in her complicated and heart-wrenching decision.

  TWENTY-THREE

  Amanda’s supportive words echoed through Hannah’s mind while she rode beside Trey in his car the following morning. She’d spent a good part of the night continuing to stare at the ceiling while praying and contemplating what to do about her relationship with Trey. In her heart she knew she l
oved him, and this relationship was exactly what her hopeful heart had craved ever since she’d lost Gideon. Yet she’d never expected a new chance at love to come in the form of a man who wasn’t Amish.

  During her prayers, she’d begged God to give her a sign telling her what to do. Was leaving the church the correct path for her? She was also stunned by the news that Amanda dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. She’d noticed that Amanda enjoyed talking with Cameron Wood, the neighbor vet who came to help Andrew when he was hurt. She’d found Amanda over at Cameron’s house more than once when she was supposed to be doing chores. Hannah had thought Amanda was just being neighborly. She had never realized how much Amanda liked to talk to the man. She also wondered if Amanda’s situation was the sign she needed to illustrate that choosing a different path was okay. Maybe a new start was just what her heart needed.

  But when she considered leaving Lillian, her heart ached. How could she leave the community when it would hurt her other daughter? The painful distance between Hannah and Lillian was growing. Lillian had only given Hannah one-word responses to her questions before Hannah left this morning. She felt her precious daughter slipping away from her, and it was breaking her heart.

  “You’re awfully quiet this morning.” Trey smiled over at her from the driver’s seat. “Are you doing better today?”

  “I am.” Hannah ran her fingers over the seat-belt strap.

  “That’s good. I know you went through a lot yesterday.” He steered onto the road leading to the house. “How’s Lily?”

  Hannah nodded. “She’s still not talking to me, but I think she may need a day or two to sort through her feelings.”

  He gave her a quick sideways glance. “I’ve been thinking about your meeting with the minister and deacon and also your argument with Lily. I’m sorry if I’ve caused trouble for your family.”

  Hannah shook her head. “Don’t be sorry. Being with you was my choice. I believe everything happens in the Lord’s time.”

  “I agree.” He turned into the driveway and steered up to the house. “Here it is. If all goes well, this will be my new home in only a matter of weeks.” He turned off the engine and pulled the keys from the ignition. “Let’s go poke around.”

  Hannah climbed out and met him at the front of the car. “I still think it’s perfect. I’m so glad you’re able to buy it.” She scanned the large house. “I love the wraparound porch. My parents’ house had a porch like that. I always wanted Gideon to expand our porch, but his parents didn’t like the idea. Since they own the house and the property, we had to abide by their wishes.”

  “You rent the house from Gideon’s parents?” Trey started walking toward the enclosed pasture, and Hannah fell into step beside him.

  “Ya, we do. Gideon wanted to buy it from them, but he never got around to applying for the mortgage.”

  “I want to ask you something, but it’s not my business.” Trey stopped and leaned against the fence.

  “You can ask me anything.” She shaded her hand over her eyes to block the bright sun and looked back toward the house, taking in the large trees filled with chirping birds.

  “You said the minister and deacon were trying to lead you back to the fold. Right now you’re breaking rules by seeing me. Does that mean you have to leave the faith to be with me?”

  “Ya, I would have to leave the church.”

  “And what would happen then?”

  Hannah folded her arms over her chest. “If I were to leave the church, I would be excommunicated.”

  “Is that the same as being shunned?”

  “Ya, it is.”

  “What happens when you’re shunned?” His expression was full of worry.

  “When you’re shunned, you can’t do business with anyone who is Amish. No money can exchange hands. That means I couldn’t rent my house from my in-laws or stay in business with Joshua. I wouldn’t even be able to shop in an Amish store, so I couldn’t buy cheese at the deli where Amanda works.”

  Trey frowned, and she wondered what he was thinking. The intensity in his handsome face caused her pulse to race.

  She glanced around the property to break away from his stare. “You asked me where I would plant a garden.” Hannah pointed toward an area between the house and the fence. “I would plant one there and expand it all the way to those two big trees. You could grow peas, tomatoes, strawberries, eggplants, zucchini, raspberries, string beans, lima beans, peppers, cauliflower, broccoli, onions, asparagus, carrots, and herbs.” She motioned toward the other side of the large yard. “You could even do potatoes and sweet potatoes too. And if you really wanted to be ambitious, you could do corn.” She turned to him, and he raised his eyebrows. “What? You think I’m silly?”

  “No, not silly, but ambitious may be the correct word. I would need help to do all of that work.” He smiled, and her heart fluttered. “Come with me.” He took her hand and urged her forward. His warm touch made her blood hum fast through her veins as they walked the length of the pasture together.

  “This is beautiful.” Hannah looked up. “Listen to those birds singing to God.” She looked up at him. “Have you thought more about a name for the bed and breakfast?”

  “What do you think of A Slice of Paradise?” He gestured with his free hand. “Isn’t it a perfect fit for this land? It is a little piece of paradise, isn’t it?”

  She nodded. “Ya, it is.”

  “Especially when you’re with me.” He squeezed her hand, and her heart thumped in her chest.

  They stopped by a small pond surrounded by cement benches.

  “I think the previous owner spent a lot of time back here.” He led her to a bench and they sat together. “This is so soothing. I think after a long day of work, you could come back here and just sit and think or pray. You would just feel like you’re surrounded by so much of God’s beauty with the birds and the flowers.” He pointed toward the rose bushes and tulips. “Isn’t it just perfect?”

  “Ya, it is. I could stay here all day and forget all of my worries.”

  “I know.” Trey cleared his throat. “I need to be honest with you about a few things.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “I’m in love with you, Hannah. I’ve known it for a while, but it really hit home last night.” He held both of her hands in his, and his eyes sparkled in the sunlight. “I’ve been thinking about what happened last night with the deacon and the minister and also your argument with Lily. I can tell our friendship has caused you a lot of heartache and stress.”

  “Trey, I told you not to blame yourself for this. It’s my choice to spend time with you.”

  “Please,” he began, “let me finish. I’ve wrestled with whether or not I belong in your life, and I even stopped by the church on the way home and prayed last night. I asked God to show me a sign that will tell me whether or not our relationship is a part of his plan for us.” He paused and took a deep breath. “Last night I dreamt you and I were married here in this garden. And you were going to help me run this bed and breakfast.”

  Hannah gasped. “You dreamt that?”

  Trey nodded. “I did, and it felt like the sign. We were happy in the dream. Your children were here, and they lived in the apartment with us. It was perfect. It was paradise.” He cleared his throat again. “So, I want to ask you something.”

  Her heart thudded in her chest and her eyes filled with tears.

  “Hannah, I love you.” He lifted her hands and squeezed them again. “I want to build a life with you. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I see my future when I look into your eyes. I believe the Lord brought us together to give us another chance at happiness. Would you do me the honor of being my wife and making me the happiest man in the world?”

  Hannah gasped. She felt as if the world were spinning out of control right before her eyes. She looked back toward the house and imagined herself living there, running the bed and breakfast with Trey, as his wife. The idea warmed her heart, but could she walk away from t
he life she’d known and loved since birth?

  Memories flashed through her mind as tears flooded her eyes. She remembered running through the pasture at the house where she grew up. She thought about sitting on her mother’s lap during church services when she was a little girl. Her memories moved to the one-room schoolhouse of her childhood and then to the youth group gathering times she spent with her friends. When her thoughts moved to Gideon, and their courtship and wedding, the tears streamed down her cheeks.

  Her Amish community was where she’d grown up and planned to raise her family. How could she leave it all behind? And where would this leave Lily? It all seemed too surreal.

  “It’s too soon, isn’t it?” He let her hands fall from his grip. “I’m pushing you too hard. I shouldn’t have asked yet.”

  Hannah took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her warm cheeks. “No, don’t apologize.” She cleared her throat in an attempt to strengthen her thin voice. “I’m really overwhelmed right now. I’ve thought about where this relationship could lead, but I never imagined getting there so quickly.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you.” He shook his head and his frown deepened. “I should’ve kept my feelings to myself.”

  “No.” She touched his arm. “That’s not what I meant. I think of you constantly, and when we’re apart, I find myself daydreaming about when I might see you again.”

  His smile returned. “I’m glad to hear you say that.”

  “I want to be with you, but I need some time to think about all of this. By marrying you, I’ll have to uproot my family. I’ve already told you I can’t stay in my house if I’m shunned.”

  “I understand. And it will be devastating for the children.”

  “I’m just so worried because Lily has already threatened to move in with Barbie. She wants to become the schoolteacher where she’s the assistant now. She also plans to be baptized, and there’s a boy she hopes to date. My heart breaks when I think of her moving out. I never thought my family would be broken apart. Losing Gideon was difficult, but I can’t imagine also being separated from a child.