Shocked, I snap my eyes to hers as she’s looking back up. Oh my God, she knows. I don’t know how, but she does. Someone else knows what he did to me. Someone else knows he raped me. I can’t stop the tears from falling. I’m crying before it registers in my head. Elaina grabs me, pulling me into an embrace. I sob uncontrollably on someone I barely know.
“I’m so sorry, honey. No one should have to go through something that traumatic alone.” She is holding me by the back of my head and rubbing my back with her free hand. I sob in her arms for at least five minutes, maybe longer. I have this overwhelming feeling of relief, yet I’m terrified at the same time, if that makes any sense?
I lift my head, pulling out of her embrace, wiping the remaining tears with the back of my hand. “Does anyone else know?” I ask.
She momentarily looks away before bringing her eyes back to mine. “No, I didn’t tell Nick, if that’s what you want to know.”
“Oh,” I respond taking a deep breath.
“Shannon, I know James should pay for what he did to you. Really, I do. No one knows better than me what it’s like to suffer at the hands of that man.” She takes a large gulp of air before finishing, letting it out on a sigh. “But I’m here for selfish reasons. I’m here as a mother. Please, don’t tell Nicholas.”
“What?” I ask, not believing what I’m hearing. I want to tell Nick. Hell, I want to tell the whole fucking world. Doesn’t she understand what it’s been like to have kept this secret inside me? All these years, pretending like it never happened, but never really being able to forget?
“A mother knows their child. If Nicholas ever finds out, he will kill his father. My son’s life would be over. So I’m begging you to never see Nicholas again.” I gasp. A migraine starts to take form. Is she for real?
“Get out,” I say quietly. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell Nick what his father did to me, but his mother has no right to ask me not to. She has no right to ask me not to see Nick again. I love him. I love him more than I’ve ever loved another person.
“Shannon, he’s my son. I’d do anything to protect him.”
“And I love him. I’d never do anything to hurt him!” I yell back at her. “I said get out.” She stands, not saying another word, and quietly retrieves her purse from the door. Before she exits, she gives me one last pleading look. I slam the door.
Once it’s shut, I turn, pressing my back into the hardness of the wood and slide down. Niko is at my side the moment my butt hits the floor. He looks about as sad as I feel. He lies down on the floor with me, placing his soft head into my lap. I’m amazed at how this animal knows exactly how and when to comfort me. I lower my head, placing it into my palms and begin to cry. I’ve cried so much in the last three days.
NINETEEN
I wake up on the couch as I have every morning since Nick walked out of my life eight days ago. I haven’t been able to sleep in my own bed. The bed where he’s had me in every possible way I can imagine in the short time we have been together. Every time I go into my room, all I can see is us and the happiness we once had..
I throw the blanket off me and sit up. Nausea hits my stomach and the feeling I’m about to vomit washes over me as my mouth starts to fill with hot saliva. I leap off the couch and race to the guest bathroom. I don’t even attempt to go to mine. I know I wouldn't make it.
I throw everything up just as the seat hits the back of the toilet. I’m sweating and hugging the porcelain god. Another wave of nausea hits and I vomit again. I don’t know how I have anything in my stomach to release. I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning, and even then, it was more nibbling on food than anything.
I faintly hear knocking at my door, but I’m too spent to get up. I don’t know if I’m finished puking my brains out yet. My back aches and my head is throbbing.
Great!
A migraine is just what I need to top my day off, and it’s still early in the morning. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Yeah, I know, gross, but I don’t care. I haven’t showered in a few days so what’s more grossness?
“Oh my God, are you okay?” I hear Nikki say from the entryway to the bathroom. I look up from the toilet and turn my head as she enters the bathroom. She kneels down next to me and places her hand on my forehead. I attempt to throw up more contents from my stomach. Apparently, nothing is left as I’m only dry heaving.
Nikki stands up, and a few seconds later, I hear running water from the sink. The water doesn’t run long before she is kneeling back down to the floor next to me. She rubs a cool cloth over my face. It feels good, much better than the back of my hand. She reaches over me and flushes the toilet.
“Thanks,” I murmur as I sit back on my butt, against the tub. I’m zapped and I only just woke up. Less than two months ago, I had the flu, but this feels worse.
“You look like pure shit. Get up! I’m taking you to see a doctor.” She stands and reaches for my hands, pulling me off the floor. I feel like shit too.
“I don’t want to go see a doctor. I just need to lie down,” I tell her.
“You’re going, but first you are showering and putting on clean clothes. You smell, and I’m around smelly people all day long. When was the last time you bathed?” she asks. A couple of days…surely not longer than that, but hell, I don’t know really. When was the last time my life wasn’t scattered on the floor being trampled on? That’s a better question.
“Fine,” I concede as I follow her out of the bathroom. I walk down the hall into my room and enter the bathroom. I start to pull off my top as Nikki starts the water.
“I’m going to go feed the dogs. I’ll be in the living room when you’re ready.” She exits the bathroom as I’m entering the shower. The hot water hits my body like sharp needles. I yelp, but after a few seconds, the piercing feeling subsides and starts to feel better.
I wash my hair and use some of Nick’s body wash to clean myself. It, along with a few articles of clothing, is all I have that still smells like him. I’ll take every little fix I can get. I miss him like crazy and my heart still hurts. The pain there continues to get worse with each passing day. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds. That hasn’t happened for me. It’s only been one week, so maybe I haven’t given it enough time. I don’t want more time…I just want…him.
I turn off the water once I have rinsed all the soap off my body. I step out and towel off. I walk up to the sink and brush my teeth for the first time in a couple of days. Gross…I know. I do a quick blow dry of my hair. I don’t have the strength to stand here for five minutes, so a lot of it is still damp.
Walking out of the bathroom, I head into my closet where I put on a clean pair of panties and a bra. I don’t bother with getting a matching pair. I don’t care what I look like. I grab my black Nine-Inch-Nails t-shirt that says “NIN” across the front, from a hanger and pull it over my head. I toss the hanger to the floor and retrieve a pair of ripped blue jeans. They are my favorite and I need every bit of comfort I can get right now.
Tossing the hanger to the floor, I put each leg into the pants and pull them up. I button them and find they are a little snug. Just perfect! A side effect of my break-up and not eating is weight gain. The day just gets better and better!
I grab my socks and tennis shoes, sit down, put them on and tie the laces. I stand up and feel a little light headed, but not so nauseous as before my shower.
I walk out into the living room and see Nikki at the kitchen sink. She is loading the dishwasher with all my dirty dishes.
“Thanks, but you didn’t have to do that.” I bend down and pet Charmin on the top of her head. I haven’t been a good dog parent in the last week. They aren’t even my dogs. They are probably the reason Nikki is here. Nick must have asked her to come get them.
“They’re done now, so let’s just go. Are you feeling any better?” she asks as she presses the start button on the machine. She is looking at me, but I can’t read her. She looks torn and sad, like she wants to s
ay something, but doesn’t at the same time.
“A little,” I reply as she walks past me to the front door. I follow and close up behind me. She walks to her red Jeep Wrangler. I wouldn’t have pictured her driving this. “I wouldn’t have pictured you driving this type of vehicle.”
“Oh, this is Jason’s truck. He took my car in to get serviced this morning. His truck is all right and all, but it does not compare to my Mercedes that Nick got me for my birthday.” she replies excitedly as she walks around to the driver’s side.
I climb in and shut my door. She does the same and starts the truck. She drives to a local medical clinic not far from my house. We go in and I sign my name on the sign-in sheet. I have never been here before, so I have to give them all my information before I take a seat to wait. The wait isn’t long at all. Nikki is quiet. She has been biting her nails since she got into the truck.
I’m sure she is feeling somewhat uncomfortable sitting next to me. I’m sure Nick told her everything, well, everything from the version his father told him. It wasn’t the truth, but she doesn’t know that. God, what she must think of me?
“Miss Taylor?” I hear my name called. I get up and walk to the nurse calling my name. Nikki follows me. My temperature and weight is taken. My temperature is normal, but I’ve gained six pounds which would account for the tight pants.
The nurse asks us to follow her to a small room where we are to wait to see the doctor. The nurse closes the door behind her as she exits. I take a seat on the exam table and Nikki sits in one of the hard chairs in the room. She is avoiding looking at me.
“You didn’t have to come with me. I appreciate it, but it wasn’t necessary. I can only imagine what you must think of me.” I lay back on the table and throw my arm over my eyes. My life sucks right now and I don’t know how I ended up here.
“Shannon,” Nikki starts, “I−I don’t think anything bad of you. How could I?” she says.
“How could you not?” I tell her. Before she can respond, the doctor walks in. He is a middle-aged man with dark hair that has just started to grey on the sides. He has a warm smile. I sit up as he takes a seat on a rolling stool.
“Miss Taylor, please tell me what brought you here today. How are you feeling?” he asks and waits for my response. I tell him about the nausea and vomiting. The way it came on without warning, but isn’t really present at this moment.
“Could you be pregnant?” he asks and I’m caught off guard. I'm not expecting him to say that at all. I know I’m not pregnant. I’ve been on birth control since I was fourteen.
“No, sir. I’m on the pill,” I tell him. Nikki’s eyes grow wide, but she doesn’t have anything to worry about. I’m not pregnant.
“When was your last menstrual cycle?” He is staring at me, waiting for a response, the same as Nikki. I’m wracking my brain. It’s not something I generally keep up with, but I’m pretty sure it was right before I met Nick. I haven’t started again since meeting him. I look up at the doctor.
No I couldn’t be...
“About six weeks, I think.” He’s jotting a note down in a chart. My chart. No, there has to be another reason. I’m not pregnant.
“Let’s do a blood test to be sure. I’ll have my nurse come in and take a sample in a few minutes.” He stands up and walks out of the room. I’m sitting here not knowing what to do. Nikki isn’t saying anything at all. If anything, she is biting her nails more.
“Would you please stop biting your nails and say something. Whatever it is, just say it,” I tell her. I need a distraction from what might be about to happen. I’ve always wanted children, but I always pictured myself happily married, which I am not. I’m not even happily in love. Yes, I know I’m in love with Nick, but there is nothing happy about our situation right now. Our relationship is nonexistent.
“I kno…,” she pauses, hesitating. “Nick misses you. He’s miserable without you,” she says, making my heart constrict. If that were the case, why hasn’t he come back? Why doesn't he give me the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming? Granted, I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t.
The nurse enters before I can speak. She takes a sample of my blood. A rather large sample and it hurts like hell. I hate needles. She exits the room, and I’m left waiting for answers that could change my life forever.
We wait in silence for what feels like ages. I start to wonder what is taking so long. Please just come in here and tell me already. The waiting is killing me and making my nerves skyrocket.
“How long does fucking blood take to analyze?” Nikki shouts from her chair. I want to do the same. Finally, a few minutes later the doctor walks in. He doesn’t sit down. I’m not sure if I should take this as a good or bad sign.
“The test was positive, Miss Taylor.” He says something else, but I don’t hear him. "I’m pregnant" is screaming in my head making the outside world a blur.
“Shannon,” Nikki says, shaking my shoulders. She is now standing next to me. I never saw her get out of her chair.
“Huh?” I ask and look up at her. She gestures to the doctor and I turn my head to look at him.
“I was saying, I'm guessing you’re around four-to-six weeks. I can’t be certain until you have a sonogram. I would suggest scheduling an appointment as soon as possible with your Ob-Gyn. You also need to start a vitamin regimen. You primary doctor can make a suggestion. You are now free to go now, Miss Taylor, unless you have questions?” He hands Nikki a slip of paper as I’m hopping down off the counter.
“No, I don’t,” I tell him as I follow Nikki out of the exam room and to the counter where she hands a lady the paper. Nikki pays my co-pay and we leave. I get in the truck and sit there. Reality has already hit me, but I don’t know what to do.
“Is it Nick’s?” she asks me. “I know you guys have been together for about that long, but Nick also told me you were engaged right before you two hooked up.” She starts the truck and pulls out.
“Hooked up?” Wow. That makes me sound like a slut. I know she didn’t mean it that way, but it wasn’t the comment I needed to hear. “Yes, it’s Nick’s baby.” I don’t go into details and tell her I hadn’t had sex with my ex in months prior to meeting her brother. What is the point? What am I going to do? The father of my child hates me. Hell, his sister probably does too, even if she is being rather nice to me.
“You have to tell him. This will change everything for you two. I was serious when I told you he misses you.” She is pleading with me. I have no intention of keeping this from Nick. He has every right to know.
“Yes, of course I’m going to tell him, but how is that going to change a damn thing? You told me he doesn’t want kids, remember? Please take me home. I just need to go and see him and figure all of this out.” I pull my seat belt on as she is putting the truck in reverse. I sit quietly trying to come up with what I’m going to say exactly. I don’t have the slightest clue.
When we arrive at my house, I step out of the truck mumbling a thank you as I walk straight to my car. She pulls away and I pull out of my driveway to head to LP.
* * * * *
My phone rings as I settle down into the driver’s seat in my car. I rise up to pull out my cell from the back pocket of my jean. Looking at the display screen, it’s Teresa Matthews. Ughh…Why is she calling me? I just met with her close to two weeks ago. That meeting didn’t exactly go well. I contemplate not answering, but I’m on my way to LP anyways so I answer.
“Hello,” I greet into the phone.
“Hi Miss Taylor. It’s Teresa Matthews from Lockhart Publishing. I hope I did not catch you at a bad time.” Her voice is high pitched and she doesn’t sound like herself. Not that I know her that well. I’ve only had a handful of meetings with the woman.
“What can I do for you?” I ask her. I don’t want to be on the phone with her, but at least she will distract me for a few minutes from thinking about what I’m going to say when I see Nick.
“I need to meet with you regarding a few details
before the book goes off to print. I was hoping you could come by right now.” I really hate her voice. I know I’m being a jealous bitch because she has had sex with Nick before. That fact really bothers me.
“Sure, I can be there in about 20-30 minutes,” I tell her since I’m already on my way. I don’t want to deal with her, but I might as well get it out of the way while I’m clean and dressed. After I leave Nick’s office, I don’t know how I’m going to feel. I don’t want to go back into the self-pity state I’ve been in for a week.
“Great,” she beams through the phone. She’s a little overly excited. “Please come straight to Nicholas’ office. I’ll meet you there.
“Okay,” I say as she ends the call. I really need to see Nick before I see her. I have to tell him our news. She can wait.
I arrive twenty-five minutes later pulling into the underground parking lot. I take a deep breath before I exit the car. I notice the dash clock reads 11:16 am. When I get out, I walk quickly to the elevator. I have to get up there so I don’t chicken out. Not because I don’t want to tell him, but because it’s been over a week since I’ve seen him, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to not beg him to take me back.
The ride up to the eleventh floor feels slow as my anxiety rises. As I exit, there is no one out front. Rachel must be at lunch. The office sounds quiet as I make my way to Nick’s door. I knock lightly and try the doorknob. It’s unlocked.
I swing the door open and go to walk in. I hear voices and look up. I freeze and cover my mouth so I don’t scream. I see Teresa’s bare back. She is sitting up and is leaning a fraction back on his desk. I can’t see her face, but I know it’s her and she is naked. She is blocking my view of Nick and they haven’t noticed me. They are fucking. I feel like someone just stabbed me in the heart and punched me in the stomach at the same time.
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