Silent No More

by N. E. Henderson

  I don’t care what he did yesterday in his office, with her. I need him. I need this. I don’t care about the horrible things he said to me last week. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I begin to cry again. I didn’t think I had any tears left, but apparently, I do. He wraps my bare legs around his waist as he stands up.

  Exiting the closet, he walks to my side of the bed. He tries to release me, but I shake my head no and hold onto him tighter.

  Taking a deep sigh, he heads out of my bedroom door, carrying me down the hall into the living room. His shirt that I’m wearing is long enough so it covers my panties and the tops of my thighs.

  “Jase, get her a glass of water, please,” he says as he is walking over to the couch. I’m hiding my face against his neck when I hear his sister’s voice. It’s shaky…nervous.

  “Shannon, are you okay?” she asks me, but I can’t respond to her question. I’m not okay, but I’m better now that Nick is here. I can’t bring myself to release him. If I do, he might leave. He can’t leave me. Not again. I can’t handle that.

  Nick sits on the couch, bringing me down onto his lap with him. I unwrap my legs to place them on each side of his thighs on the couch. Nick pries my arms loose from his neck and shoulders, pushing me back so we are face to face. When I look at him, he isn’t staring back at me. Something else has caught his attention.

  “Who the fuck did that?” he yells; his eyes are wide and filled with alarm. He’s looking at my throat, and I know from his stare, there must be a bruise from earlier today. I start to tear up, burying my face back in his neck again. I shed more tears. When are they going to fucking end? I don’t want to cry. Not over that worthless bastard, but I am, and I can’t stop.

  “Oh God!” I hear Nikki’s voice. “He was here, wasn’t he?” she asks and I know it’s directed at me. I remain silent and still as I keep my face buried. I hear something being placed on the table nearest the couch. I realize then my throat is parched. Water would be nice right now.

  Nick’s holding me tightly; this is what I need. Please don’t take this from me, I silently pray. “Who was here? Who the fuck are you talking about, Nikki?” Nick asks his sister. She ignores him.

  “I know what he did to you. My mom told me. I’m so sorry, Shannon. This is all…my fault. Oh God, did my dad…” She trails off, not being able to finish her sentence. I shake my head from side-to-side indicating no. She knows. Nikki knows what he did. Someone else knows he raped me. My mind is reeling in all directions. The water I need is forgotten.

  Nick’s body tenses up. He grabs my head with both hands, pulling me away from him. His eyes grow wider and they are wild. “My father did this? He hurt you?” he asks. I nod as more tears slide town my cheeks.

  “I’m going to fucking murder him.” His eyes are on fire and I know he’s serious. I can’t let him do that. His mom was right. No matter how much I want his father dead, I can’t let Nick ruin his life, our life, our child’s life. The sick bastard isn’t worth that.

  “No, Nick. You can’t. I won’t let you do that,” I say to him in a pleading tone.

  “The fuck I can’t,” he barks back to me.

  “Shannon,” Nikki starts and I look at her. “You have to tell him. Forget what my mom said and tell Nick the truth. Please…or I will,” she begs, gesturing at Nick with a nod of her head in his direction. I turn my face to the left looking away from her and Nick.

  “What’s my sister talking about?” he asks me as he’s guiding my face back to face him. I just stare at him, not saying anything. I can’t do it. I can’t tell him. He’s going to leave again and I can’t say the fucking words. Just like last week, I’m silent.

  “Get out,” he says, but it’s not aimed at me, even though he isn’t taking his eyes off mine.

  “Excuse me?” Nikki says.

  “You and Jase need to leave, now. This is between Shannon and me.” Nick pauses for a brief second. “Nikki, I’m not asking, so just go.” Nick still doesn’t break eye contact with me. I notice Nikki hesitating from my peripherals. She sighs, and then exits my house.

  “Don’t do anything stupid, man,” Jase says as he goes to follows Nikki out the door.

  “Jase?” Nick says, and it seems like a question, causing me to look at Jase standing in the entryway.

  “I’ll take care of it,” he says, and then the door closes and we are alone. Even the dogs are nowhere in sight. He continues staring at me for several minutes. His mind is working, but I have no idea what he’s thinking.

  He places his hands gently on each side of my face and pulls me closer to him. He pulls me forward until his lips are touching mine, causing my body to relax into the kiss. After a few seconds, I collapse onto his chest, breaking our tender kiss.

  “God, I’ve missed that. I’ve missed you. I’ve been in fucking hell for over a week,” he tells me as he wraps his right arm around my back and puts his left hand on my face, holding me to his chest. He takes a deep breath, expanding his chest beneath me, and then slowly exhales.

  “I’m a fucking idiot, aren’t I?” he asks as he leans his head on the back of the couch and releases me to run his hands through his hair.

  I push off his chest and stare at him. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him, but I know I have to. I just don’t know where to begin. The rape, the baby, the attempted rape again, or Teresa. This is all so fucked up. There is too much shit we need to talk about.

  “I’m sorry for everything I said last week. I didn’t mean any of it. I was…just so fucking mad. He walked in my office and had this smug look on his face. I knew I wasn’t going to like whatever he was there to say. I didn’t believe him at first. I swear I didn’t. But he left, and…and the way Teresa made it sound…it sounded so fucking believable.” So I have her to add to my shit list. Bitch.

  “Baby, I’m sorry. I am. I shouldn’t have assumed, but you wouldn’t say anything. Why the fuck didn’t you say anything?” I guess it’s now or never.

  “Nick…I didn’t know how. I still don’t. He…” I stop myself. This is too hard.

  “Did he hurt you?” he asks. His voice is low. He pulls his head off the couch and drops his hands to my thighs. I momentarily tense up. I’m not hurting between my legs, but the memory of that monster pushing inside me is still fresh. Nick catches the change in my body and I nod. He fists the hem of his shirt that I’m wearing.

  “Shannon, I need you. I need you like I need the fucking oxygen I’m breathing right now. Whatever it is that you couldn’t tell me last week, just say it. Just tell me already. Please.” He releases the shirt, moving his hands to hold me at my waist. I have to do this. I have to find whatever strength I have left and tell him…everything. I have to do this for us, for our child. I just pray we have a future when it’s all said and done.

  “I’ll try, because I need you, too. Because I love you.” He stills and I think he stops breathing. “I know the woman isn’t supposed to say that first, but I’m tired of not saying what I feel. The way I feel for you is crazy. It’s heartbreaking. It’s uncontrollable love. I love you, Nicholas Lockhart.”

  “God, you know how to cut a man down to his fucking knees. I never knew I wanted to hear those words until you just said them. I’ve loved you from the moment I laid my fucking eyes on you,” he tells me and my heart swells. I lean forward and kiss him on his lips. He takes control and deepens the kiss. I could do this for the rest of my life and be content. I love him so damn much.

  He releases my lips and leans his forehead against mine. “Whatever it is, we will get through it. I promise.”

  I believe him, and I’m ready to get this out. Nothing can stay buried forever. Secrets always come out, and no matter how much someone tries to forget, there are things in one’s past that are too great or too tragic to forget. The only thing you can do or control is yourself. You have to be honest and hope that those you love are there to help you get past the hurt.

  “I’m going to tell you everything, but first you have
to promise me two things.” I wait for his response.

  “I promise. Whatever it is, I promise,” he says.

  “I need you to let me tell you everything without you saying anything. If you interrupt me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish.” He nods in agreement. “Second, I don’t want you to leave here tonight. I need you to stay here, even if you get really angry.” Again, I wait for his response.

  “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I promise. Just being away from you this past week nearly killed me. I’m never fucking going anywhere.”

  I take a deep breath to prepare myself. I try to work it out in my head, but really, there isn’t enough time, so I just spill everything before I lose the need to tell him.

  “I worked for your father when I was sixteen. When I was still in high school. I was the file clerk and sometimes a runner. I worked in his office after school three days a week, and then every afternoon starting in the summer. I actually loved working there. Well, what I really loved was the money not the work. The work was boring; however, your father pays his staff really well, so it was worth it, at the time.

  “It was a Friday. It was my seventeenth birthday. When I walked in the office, immediately, I noticed how quiet it was. The receptionist wasn’t at her desk and she was always there. The woman rarely left to take a restroom break. Your father’s partner wasn’t there, nor was any of the paralegals. It was strange, but I was also pretty naive back then, so I didn’t question it. I went directly back to the file room and started from where I left off the previous day.”

  I briefly pause to take a cleansing breath. So far this isn’t as bad as I thought, but then again, I haven’t told him much. Nick has both of his hands holding onto my hips, and he’s looking directly into my eyes. He kind of has this “where is this going” look plastered on his face. I place my hands on his chest and continue.

  “I was listening to my iPod. Usually, I didn’t do that. One of the paralegals had warned me that your dad wouldn’t approve. He saw music as a distraction from getting the job done. However, there didn’t seem to be anyone in the office, so I put my ear buds in and started to work. Honestly, I probably got more work done with the music than I would have without them. If I had been a little smarter, I might have actually checked to see who was and wasn’t there when I arrived.

  “About a half an hour later, I heard a sound. I heard it even with Papa Roach screaming in my ears. It was the sound of something breaking. It startled me and I froze in place for a moment. When I turned around, your father was standing in the doorway of the file room. He looked angry, but I think he became angrier when he noticed the iPod in my hand. I quickly set in on the filing cabinet and told him I was sorry.”

  Nick’s eyes grow wide the moment I mention his father was angry with me. I close my eyes and I force myself to continue as the sick memory filters through my mind.

  “Follow me to my office, Shannon,” he said and turned on his heel, walking out of the doorway. I followed behind him with my head hung. I knew I was in trouble. I assumed he was going to fire me.

  I entered the office as he was removing his jacket. It seemed a bit odd. I noticed broken glass on the ground across the room. It was shattered, as if it had been thrown against a wall. I also noticed an open bottle of dark amber liquid sitting on the desk behind his chair.

  “Sit,” he ordered, with an icy cold voice. The man wasn’t a warm and fuzzy boss, but I had never seen this side of him. He walked to the desk with the alcohol and retrieved it. He turned around and looked straight at me. His eyes were just as cold as his voice, perhaps even colder if that’s possible.

  I wasn’t initially scared, but I was uncomfortable in his office…with him. I knew he shouldn’t be drinking at work, and I really wished I hadn’t taken out my iPod. I took a seat in one of the chairs facing his large wooden desk and placed my hands in my lap.

  “Where is everyone this afternoon, sir?” I asked him. I wasn’t really sure what to say or do. I had already told him I was sorry. Wasn’t that enough? What more did he want from me? I was seventeen for Christ’s sake. Surely, I was allowed a mistake or two. It’s not like I was a bad employee and broke the rules often. Before then, I had never been in his office. I had never really been in trouble before, so I wasn’t sure if the feeling I was experiencing was guilt for doing something wrong, or if the feeling was something else entirely. I knew I didn’t want to be in the same room with him. I wanted to run. Goosebumps formed and ran down my arms.

  “I made them all leave a few hours ago. Now, do not say another word unless I give you permission to speak. Do you understand?” he asked. I was left speechless, and wondering who the hell he thought he was. Apparently, my silence meant that I didn’t respond quickly enough.

  “You better answer my God damn question, Shannon!” His eyes darkened. They looked a little evil and I wondered briefly if it was possible to be possessed by the devil himself. I learned later, he wasn’t possessed by the devil. He was the motherfucking devil.

  “Yes, sir.” My voice trembled, but only for a few seconds.

  “That’s better,” he said, taking off his tie completely and holding it loose in his hand. He set the bottle down after taking another large gulp. Standing, he stared at me for a long time. He looked like he is trying to hash something out in his head.

  “Get up and come here,” he demanded. I hesitated, but eventually did as I was told. I actually believed that maybe it would get me out of there a little faster.

  I’d never had sex before, but the look on his face was undeniable. He still looked evil, but his eyes were full of lust. A sickening dread filled my stomach.

  Somehow, I found the courage to speak. “Mr. Lewis, I’m really sorry. I will not do it again. I promise.” I told him as I walked to stand in front of him.

  “You’re not half as sorry as I’m going to make you.” His voice was eerily calm as he grabbed my arm, pulling me to him. I tensed as he forcefully embraced me. He crashed his lips into mine, hard.

  I tried to pull away out of his hold, but I wasn’t strong enough. He moved his lips from mine, and moved against my ear. “I’m going to teach you a lesson about following rules as I take your virginity,” he laughed.

  My eyes widened and my mind screamed at me to run. “NO!” I yelled and tried to squeeze out of his grip. He simply laughed as he reached for my hair and yanked it back. I knew at that moment that I was in deep shit. The deepest kind imaginable.

  “You have two options here. You can be a good girl and take your lesson, or you can be a bad girl and I’ll make sure you regret every second of it. I will show you pain like you have never imagined.” He bit down hard on my earlobe, causing me to yelp in pain.

  “Please don’t do this. Please let me go,” I begged him. The sadistic bastard smiled down at me.

  “Begging is allowed. The more you beg, the more my dick grows harder,” he said as he ground his erection against my hip.

  “Please stop,” I whimpered. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Not to me, I thought to myself. I had no way out, no idea how to escape. I think my emotions finally caught up to my brain as tears clouded my vision.

  “All bad girls must be punished, Shannon. This is part of your punishment. Next time, I doubt you will do something you aren’t allowed to.” He pulled his tie out of his pocket and grabbed both of my wrists. With the tie, he bound my wrists together tightly. I tried to struggle free, but there was nowhere to go. He had me pinned against his desk;. I struggled anyway. He yanked my hair back for the second time, forcing my head backward. His eyes meet mine as a sinister grin spreads across his face.

  It was too late. The pain, as he forced himself on me, was too intense, too painful, too sickening. My world and my body were ripped apart.

  I wanted to cry out. To scream at him to stop, but my voice was lost.

  I don’t know how long it went on. It felt like it lasted forever. I know it didn’t, but it felt like I was falling into hell. The more he push
ed, the closer to hell I got. The devil was right there with me, bringing me down into hell with him. I didn’t know how much more I could handle. Finally, I felt my hands become free of the bind around them.

  “Get dressed,” he ordered. I obeyed as quickly as possible. I didn’t want the chance of anything else happening to my body or me. Once I buttoned my shirt and tucked it into my dress, I scooted off the desk and nearly lost my balance as my knees buckled. It hurt so much between my legs. More tears fell, hitting the ground. I caught myself with the edge of the desk right before my knees hit the ground.

  Standing back up, I wrapped my arms around myself, not knowing what to do. I looked at him, past him to the door.

  As if reading my wind he said. “I wouldn’t try to run if I were you.”

  He walked closer to me and I tried to back up. I couldn’t. The desk was directly behind me. He grabbed the back of my neck pulling me into an embrace. Any other embrace would have been warm and comforting. This wasn’t one of those. He kissed my cheek softly then moved to my ear. I shivered.

  “If you ever tell another soul about this encounter, you will not live long enough to regret it.” His tone is ice. I tensed, and my breath caught in my throat.

  “That is a promise, Shannon. Nod if you understand me.” I immediately comply.

  Releasing me, I ran before it registered in my head. I was opening my car before I realized it. Once I was safely inside, I still didn’t think. If I’d allowed myself to think, then I’d have to remember it all over again. I never wanted to remember any of it. I wanted to forget about the hell he took me to.

  When I finish recounting all the horrible details to Nick, I’m crying on Nick’s chest. His shirt is soaked with my tears. He has a death grip on the end of his shirt that I am wearing, but I don’t care. I can’t control the tears anymore now, than when it happened ten years ago. I don’t dare look up at him. I’m too scared of the look that might be on his face. Does he believe me? Does he think less of me? Does he believe his father is even capable of rape?