Pink Flamingoed

by Steve Demaree

  +++

  Harry had gotten back into the habit of checking his e-mail each day, but because it was warmer, he did not sit in front of his computer all day long. However, after Pastor Scott’s sermon on Easter Sunday, Harry felt guilty for the trick he had played on Melanie. He had not yet decided if he was feeling guilty enough to stop e-mailing her or guilty enough to confess and ask for her forgiveness, but he felt guilty.

  +++

  Allison seemed like a new woman. Almost every day she saw Chuck or talked to him on the phone, either during his lunch hour or after school. Allison thought Chuck had a lot of things going for him. Chuck did not treat her differently because she was unable to walk. Chuck was intelligent enough to realize that Allison was capable of doing what almost everyone else was capable of doing, except walk.

  Every few days Allison would call Amy, and they talked about their love life. Allison was proud of Chuck for the work that he did. From the way Chuck talked about the children in his classes, Allison could tell that he liked them very much. It also meant a lot to Allison that Chuck did not hesitate when she invited him to church. He seemed at ease around the people he met, and he paid attention during the sermon.

  Detective Work

  Enduring a long winter and being teased by the first few days of another spring sometimes makes the brain malfunction. It flickers off and on much like a light bulb not properly screwed into its socket or someone who thinks of their next true love too soon after losing their latest one. Not all decisions made during the early spring resemble the brightest ornament on the Christmas tree.

  Brad picked up the phone and smiled as he dialed.

  “Hello,” said the voice on the other end of the phone.

  “Amy, dear. Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?”

  Amy could not help but smile.

  “Yes, Brad. You even told me that I was wonderful, and once you wrote that I was incredible. So, what is it you want?”

  “You mean I can’t tell you that you’re beautiful without you thinking that I want something?”

  “I know you pretty well by now Brad, so just cut to the chase.”

  “Okay, Dr. Watson. You win. Do you remember how the Bible tells us that we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves?”

  Amy saw that this was going to take a while, so she backed up until she felt something behind her, fell back over the arm of the couch, and scooted back to where her calves were resting on the couch arm and her bare feet were sticking up in the air.

  “Are you there, Dr. Watson?”

  “Yes, Mr. Holmes. I just had to get comfortable. So, who’s the neighbor one of us is supposed to love, me or you?” Amy asked, as she mentally shook her head at her true love.

  “I’m so disappointed in you, Dr. Watson. It’s neither of us. I was thinking about dear Lady Catherine.”

  “Sure, you were, Brad. More than likely you’re thinking of dear Lady Catherine’s basement.”

  “I guess I was a little hasty judging you, Dr. Watson. You seem to have recovered your deductive powers.”

  “Oh, no you don’t, Brad. You’re not going to include me in one of your schemes.”

  “You’re right, my lady. I should’ve checked with Kenny first.”

  Amy knew that Brad had backed her into the proverbial corner.

  “Okay, what is it you want me to do?”

  “That’s more like it, my dear. I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”

  “Don’t press your luck, your holiness. I can always call Scott and tell him to screen any calls from you to his son.”

  “Okay, here’s the scoop. I thought you might fix Lady Catherine one of your famous lemon poppy seed cakes with caramel icing.”

  Amy already knew that she would need to stay one step ahead of Brad, so she was not hasty in her reply.

  “Dr. Watson, are you there?”

  “Couldn’t you hear me thinking?”

  “Oh, I thought there was static in the phone line.”

  “Very funny. Let me see if I have this right, Mr. Holmes. You and I are to go visit Lady Catherine with a cake in hand. Lady Catherine will ask us to stay, and when she goes to the kitchen to cut the cake and fix us something to drink, you’ll sneak down the basement steps to see if anyone is alive.”

  “Close, but not exactly.”

  “Brad, don’t tell me you expect me to sneak down into the basement,” Amy said, as a panicked look crossed her face.

  “Oh, no, my love. It is I who will be scarred in battle, not you. I merely want you to ask Lady Catherine to show you the house, and while the two of you are on the top floor I will sneak a peek at the basement.”

  “And what if we get caught?”

  “If you do your job correctly, we won’t get caught. Just show a lot of interest in the rooms on the third floor.”

  “Brad, are you sure we should do this. What if Norman comes after you with a sickle?”

  “Well, if you’re able to run fast enough, I would say you might pray that your next neighbor is both charming and handsome.”

  “Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you.”

  +++

  Amy called Brad to let him know the cake was finished. A couple of minutes later, Brad knocked on Amy’s front door.

  “Here. You’d better carry this. I’m too nervous,” Amy said, as she handed Brad the cake.

  “There’s nothing to be nervous about, my dear Dr. Watson. Just calm down and play your part well.”

  Amy closed the door, stopped, and took a deep breath. In the meantime Brad scampered down the front steps.

  “Hey, be careful with that! I’m not making another cake,” Amy said.

  “Just calm down, my dear. Now, take a few deep breaths and away we go.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of. Do you think anyone will come and see us on visiting day?”

  “Absolutely, my dear. Cora will be sure to come and see how you like your new accommodations.”

  Amy laughed as she pictured Cora visiting her at the jail. Her laughter seemed to calm her, if only a little.

  Brad looked up and down the street. The trees on Aylesford Place were relegated to back yards and Aylesford Park, which allowed him to detect any movement on the street. If there was any movement, all of it was indoors. Nothing stirred outside. Not even the Armbruster children. Brad walked to the street and turned around to see if Cora was peeking through her window blinds, but apparently even Cora had not discovered Brad’s plan. Brad and Amy walked across the street, climbed Lady Catherine’s steps, and rang the doorbell. Brad smiled as he contemplated how their neighbor would greet them. He did not have long to wait. In a few moments, the door opened and there stood Lady Catherine wearing more than an ample supply of make-up.

  “Oh, joy, joy! Romeo and Juliet hath come calling on this lowly servant.”

  A lump formed in Amy’s throat as she remembered what happened to Romeo and Juliet.

  Lady Catherine opened the door and noticed the cake.

  “Oh, what have we here? Is this succulent morsel intended for this humble actress?”

  “Oh, but yes, Lady Catherine. Dear Amy was merely thinking that she had lived across the street from you for oh so long and she had never even seen your home.”

  Amy forced herself to keep from laughing at Brad’s explanation of their visit. Her effort to keep her composure helped take away her nervousness for a bit.

  “What a pity! What a pity! Am I to be forgiven for my negligence in showing you my grand stage?”

  “It was merely an oversight on your part, Lady Catherine. I’m sure that Amy will gladly forgive you. She is such a forgiving person,” Brad replied.

  “I’m not sure I’ll forgive everyone,” Amy whispered out of the side of her mouth.

  “I must pull the curtain back as soon as we have sampled this scrumptious creation.”

  “Oh, but it would be best to take the tour first, Lady Catherine. We might be too full afterwards,” Brad suggested.

&nb
sp; Brad’s suggestion worked. Lady Catherine led her guests to the stairs, reached for the banister, and began to climb.

  “Lady Catherine, would it be an imposition to ask to use your facilities?” Brad asked.

  “No, my lad. We will wait, if you do not tarry.”

  “Oh, please go ahead. I’ll catch up with you at the top, for dear Amy has far more questions than I. Don’t you, dear Amy.”

  Amy, a couple of steps lower than Lady Catherine, turned and gave Brad a look. Brad covered his mouth to keep from laughing.

  “Very well,” Lady Catherine answered. “Ladies are much more appreciative than scoundrels. Let us go, child. The necessary room is the door behind you on the left, young man.”

  +++

  Brad entered the bathroom, closed the door, and waited until the voices of the women faded in the distance. Then, he opened the door slowly and peered out. Satisfied that no one was around, he stepped out into the hallway. He surveyed the situation, hoping to be careful, but quick. Brad noticed a door to the right of the bathroom door and figured it was either a closet or the door to the basement. Slowly, he opened the door. While He was sure anyone could hear the creaking door all the way to the next county, in reality it could not be heard on the third floor. Brad reached into the darkness, feeling for a light switch on either side of the door. He found nothing.

  Oh, well. No one ever said this was going to be easy, Brad thought, as he tentatively lowered his foot to the first step, hoping his movement did not depress a stone that would send a poisonous dart in his direction. While no sharp objects flew from the walls, Brad was not prepared for what happened. As Brad’s foot touched the first step, a border of red lights flashed on each step. This so unnerved an already nervous young man that he lost his balance and started to fall. Brad reached for the banister, but being off balance, his arm merely struck it. His feet and back scrapped against the edge of each step, as he descended. In a couple of seconds, Brad’s feet collided with a wall and his body shot forward. Luckily, he was able to raise his hands before his face collided with the wall.

  Matters got worse when Brad continued down the rest of the steps sideways, his body banging against the wall as he descended. Brad landed on the floor below with a thud. The fall stunned him. He lay there for a moment, then began to look around. This was where he wanted to be. It just was not how he wanted to get there.

  The only window that was not painted with black paint emitted a little light. Brad shook the cobwebs from his head and followed the light around the room. As Brad looked around to the right a feeling of horror overcame him. Brad scrambled to his feet the best he could. The pain in his head, his back, and his limbs slowed his movements, but what Brad had seen shot adrenaline through his body, which caused him to reach for the banister and pull himself upward before it was too late. As Brad struggled to get out of the basement, he was sure that before long someone or something would be clutching at his ankles and pulling him to his demise. Or could it be that Brad was safer at the moment than Amy was?

  +++

  Amy feigned interest in what Lady Catherine showed her and asked questions as she thought of them. Amy avoided the questions she wanted to ask, like, Why did you choose this hideous color scheme? or Where in the world did you discover this grotesque looking piece of furniture? Instead, she “marveled” over a house that in no way resembled her own, except for its hardwood floors. All went well for a couple of minutes.

  “Hark! Have the sounds of silence been removed, my child?”

  “Huh?” was all that Amy could reply.

  “Did I recognize a clatter from the bowels of the earth?” Lady Catherine asked.

  “I didn’t hear anything,” Amy lied, as she tried to remain calm as she feared for her true love’s safety.

  Oh why, did I let him talk me into this? Amy asked herself.

  “Let us hasten,” suggested Lady Catherine.

  Amy grabbed Lady Catherine’s arm hoping to give Brad time to escape his troubles.

  “It was probably only the cat,” Amy suggested, hoping that Lady Catherine had a cat.

  “My Hortense has not been sighted since she descended into the dungeon one stormy night.”

  “Well,” Amy said nervously, “it looks like Hortense has returned. You must introduce me to her after you have finished showing me your house.”

  Amy’s grabbed Lady Catherine’s arm and tried in vain to keep the elderly woman upstairs, but the older woman pulled her toward the stairs. Then, she broke loose and started down the steps. A couple of minutes later Amy rounded the last turn in the stairs, somewhat afraid of what she might find. Her feet stopped, and her mouth flew open as she looked down. Amy regained her composure and scurried down the stairs. She hurried over to Brad, lying on the floor, and bent down to him.

  “Brad, are you okay?”

  Before Brad could answer, Lady Catherine was at Amy’s side.

  “I came out of the bathroom and slipped and fell,” Brad said, merely leaving out a few major facts.

  “Pour soul, poor soul,” Lady Catherine exclaimed. “Perchance some liquid nourishment would enhance your revitalization?”

  “Uh, no, Lady Catherine. I must hurry home and take some pain medicine.”

  “I can provide that, too, my lad.”

  “Uh, no, Lady Catherine. I am allergic to so many things. I must take only my special medication. Come on, Amy. Help me up so we can go.”

  Wanting to find out the whole story, Amy struggled to help Brad to his feet. As Brad leaned on Amy for support, the two of them stumbled out the door.

  “Goodbye, Lady Catherine. Enjoy the cake,” Amy hollered over her shoulder.

  Brad grimaced with each step and leaned on Amy for support. Amy looked at him sympathetically.

  “You’re really hurt, aren’t you?”

  “Now what gave you that idea?”

  “What hurts?”

  “I think my belly button came through relatively unscathed. Everything else hurts.”

  “Okay, Mr. Holmes. What really happened?”

  “Get me to the house first. We’ll talk there,” Brad replied.

  Amy tried her best to support Brad as he limped across the street. She wondered if any of the neighbors were watching. Surely Cora’s eyes were peering through the blinds this time. Amy would know soon enough. If Cora was watching, Amy would soon receive a call demanding answers.

  Amy’s thoughts turned from Cora to Lady Catherine. What did Brad stumble upon during his sleuthing exercise. Amy was afraid to turn around to see if Lady Catherine was watching.

  “My house or yours?” Amy asked.

  “We’d better make it my house.”

  Brad leaned on Amy, grasped the railing with his free hand, while he climbed the steps. He leaned against the house, pulled out his key, and handed it to Amy. Once he was lying comfortably on his couch with his head resting on Amy’s lap, Brad told Amy all about falling down the steps and how he became much worse for wear.

  “And do you know what I saw when I got to the basement?”

  “A dead cat hanging from the ceiling?” Amy replied.

  “There may have been one. I didn’t stay around long enough to make sure. Why did you say a dead cat, anyway? Is a hanging dead cat supposed to ward off evil spirits?”

  “No, the next inquisitive cat. So, what did you see?”

  “I saw two coffins.”

  “You’re kidding! You are kidding, aren’t you?”

  “I wish I were.”

  “Well, were there two bodies in them, or didn’t you get close enough to check?”

  “I’m stupid, but I enjoy living too much to try some things.”

  “Well, thank heaven for that. But tell me, were the coffins opened or closed?”

  “One was open, and one was closed.”

  “Well, it sounds like an open and shut case to me,” Amy replied with a smile plastered on her face.

  “This is serious, Dr. Watson. Maybe Lady Catherine has killed Norm
an or Lady Catherine and Norman have killed someone else.”

  “Lady Catherine?”

  “Remember Arsenic And Old Lace? Two old ladies were doing the killing.”

  “But that was fiction, Brad. You know, that stuff you write.”

  “Yeah, but truth is stranger than fiction. I think we need to investigate further.”

  “Don’t tell me you want to go back at midnight?”

  +++

  Lady Catherine shook as she wondered if there was more to Brad’s story than simply falling down after coming out of the bathroom. Had Brad ventured down the basement stairs? And if so, what did he see? Brad seemed eager to leave. Did he see what she thought he saw, and if so, would he tell the other neighbors, or even worse, call the police?

  +++

  Brad looked at the front of the building and smiled. He could not believe the name of the place. Truth must be stranger than fiction. Brad took a deep breath, then reached for the doorknob of the Magoffin Coffin Company. Upon entering the establishment he encountered a man who looked like he was working at the right place.

  “May I help you, sir?” asked the staid, elderly gentleman.

  “I hope so. Do you know Lady Catherine McPherson?”

  “Do you mean the strange bird that lives on Aylesford Place?”

  “I do believe you know her. I was told that she made a fine purchase from you a while back, and I would like to see a coffin like the one she purchased.”

  “If I remember correctly, Lady Catherine purchased three coffins from us, each one of a kind.”

  As Brad and the older gentleman were engaged in conversation, a third gentleman overheard them and joined the group.