Holding Up the World

by Shirley Hailstock

  Then he’d run into a woman coming off the escalator or more accurately she’d walked into him. She’d barely noticed him. Smiling to himself he remembered when women had looked at him with appreciation, even African-American women had noticed his blue eyes. His wife said they were almost aquamarine and were what had first attracted her to him. At forty-five, Rhys wasn’t sure they still qualified as aquamarine. His hair, always sandy brown in winter and blonde-white under the summer sun, today showed the signs of winter’s snow in his temples.

  He wasn’t sure women still noticed him at all, at least not as a man. As a judge, he often stared down at them from his exalted position and they glared at him as if he were the enemy. To this woman he was a stranger she’d bumped into. Her attention was focused on another woman going into the baby department. Maybe they were also buying a gift for an expectant child.

  Rhys glanced at his daughter. She’d obviously bumped into someone she knew. And he knew too. Jessica Pointer. He didn’t wish to speak to her. She inevitably brought up the subject of her widowed aunt who always needed legal advice. Free advice. Other than that flaw, she was a wonderful woman. The two were deep in conversation.

  Moving out of sight, Rhys stepped behind a support pole and picked up a pair of socks that were no larger than his index finger.

  “I can’t believe the prices on these things.”

  Rhys looked up at the comment. It was the woman who’d bumped into him. He looked around expecting to see her blonde friend, but there was no one else near them. He looked at the price tag on the socks.

  “I see what you mean.” Putting the socks back on the rack, he looked at the woman. She had extremely smooth skin. Her eyes only had the hint of a laugh line, making it impossible to guess her age. Her bone structure and natural brown complexion said she didn’t need much makeup and she only wore a little lipstick. She was thin, average height, her dark hair pulled back in a thick ponytail that dangled to her shoulders. Her eyes were direct, but in them was something unsure, a sort of fear. Rhys was used to looking in peoples eyes and reading what he saw there. He wondered what reason she had to be afraid.

  “Having trouble finding a gift?” she asked. She was looking though a series of blankets, pink, blue, yellow, and green.

  “The gift, I should say gifts have been chosen. My daughter is buying out the store.” He glanced over his shoulder, but couldn’t see Rita due to the pole. “I’m only the driver.” He smiled and she returned it.

  “My friend is doing the same, only she has to examine the construction on every piece of furniture and read all the safety tags before making a decision.”

  “That’s a good idea.”

  The woman nodded.

  “Is it her child?” he asked. Women were having children at older ages these days, and these two were still within the child-bearing range. Rhys didn’t want to presume.

  “God child, but you’d think she was the one giving birth.” They both glanced at the blonde who was leaning over and reading a tag on a crib.

  “Dad, are you ready?” He heard Rita called to him. Quickly he looked around and nodded.

  “It was nice talking to you,” she said. “I’m sure the gifts will be appreciated.”

  She walked away. Rhys watched her. She moved easily, weaving her way through the close aisles to get to her friend.

  “Dad?” Rita was standing beside him. “Is everything all right?”

  He took her hand and pulled it through his arm. “Yes, Rita. Everything is fine.”

  “Who were you talking to?”

  “No one in particular. Just a lady looking for a baby gift.”

  The two of them left the store. Rhys was sure he’d never see the woman again. He saw many women in his daily life. Most of them were already married or part of the criminal element that passed through society. She could be married too. He hadn’t gotten a look at her hands.

  It didn’t matter, he told himself. He’d probably only been attracted to her because of the brief contact he’d had with her body. It had jolted him like nothing he’d felt in years. Other than his daughters, he hadn’t held a woman since his wife died eight years ago. He couldn’t really call what had just happened as holding her, but it did spark something in him.

  His children were getting older. Colby, his first born, was twenty-three and expecting his own child. Eric would graduate from high school next June and go off to college. Rita had one more year and Kathryn had already graduated and was working and living in New York. His house would be empty soon. What would he do then?

  Since Eric started to drive two years ago, Rhys had found himself with time on his hands. He’d filled it with work, staying late at the office or bringing work home to go over in the evening. The work load at the office was always behind. It was easy to fall into the routine of using his time to try and catch up on reading or doing paperwork required by the court. Although he knew that would never happen, budgets being what they were, it gave him an avenue to keep from thinking about the lost of his wife. Now, eight years later, it had become a way of life. But somehow the encounter he’d had with a stranger, a beautiful stranger heading into the infants department, had forced him to review his way of living.

  Rhys was often invited to summer barbeques and parties, but he noticed more often than not that his other single friends came with significant others. Whether they were serious about each other or not, Rhys was the only one who appeared stag on a regular basis. And he was one of the few who had not remarried within two years of their wives deaths. He probably would have too, if it had not been for his children, mainly Rita and Kathryn, cautioning him about rushing into a new relationship. He had noticed women he met eyeing him closely, but he’d never encouraged it. His children needed him, but they were adults or bordering on adulthood now and their dependence on him as a father-to-child relationship advisor was changing. Colby was about to make him a grandfather.

  Grandfather! It sounded old. Rhys was only forty-five. He didn’t feel old, but after his encounter and the realization that he had grown children and no life outside of work came down on him like a Grand Canyon boulder, he thought more about women in general and one in particular.

  Secretly Rhys had been thinking of going to a relationship chat room under an alias, but so far he hadn’t had the nerve. Why couldn’t men and women meet the way they used to, although he couldn’t remember where that was. He’d met his wife while he was in law school and she was working on her master’s degree. If he returned to school at his age he’d have to be on the faculty and he wasn’t interested in ditzy students.

  Reaching the SUV, they climbed inside and Rhys pulled up to the customer pickup window. Third in line behind two other vehicles, Rita jumped out with the paper work. A few moments later she returned. Rhys waited until he saw her and a clerk with a hand truck come through the sliding door. As much as Rita bought, it took very little time to pack it all in the SUV.

  As Rhys slid behind the steering wheel his attention was caught by the same woman he’d saved from a fall off the escalator. She walked across the parking lot alone. The key was in the ignition, but he didn’t start the engine. He watched her, following her steps as she retrieved something from the trunk of a blue BMW and started for the mall door again.

  “Do you know her?” Rita asked.

  “What?” Rhys snapped his attention to his daughter. Her questioned startled him. He hasn’t realized he was staring.

  “You were staring so intently.” Rita nodded toward the woman crossing in front of them. “Do you know her?”

  “I’ve never seen her before,” he admitted. Rhys started the engine after the woman disappeared through the door and the SUV slid quietly away from the curb.

  He drove in silence for several miles. “Dad,” Rita said tentatively. “Is anything wrong?”

  “Why would you think anything was wrong?” He moved his hand from the steering wheel to briefly squeeze hers.

  “You’ve gotten awfully quiet.”
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  It was the perfect opening. He could tell her he was thinking of a woman. There hadn’t been anyone since her mother. Rita was twelve when she died. Rita was sensible, practical, despite her buying out the baby department. He could tell her and not expect her to go into hysterics or dramatic pause. But she would immediately contact her sister and brothers and at this point another woman was only a thought.

  “We’re all growing up. Next year Eric will be gone and...” She left the rest of the sentence hanging.

  “Rita, don’t worry about me.”

  His daughter turned in her seat and looked at him. When she did that, she looked so much like her mother. “I do worry about you. Colby has his own family to think about. Kathryn is in New York and I’m not always here. What are you going to do in that big house all by yourself?”

  He hesitated a long time. The woman from the escalator came to mind.

  “Maybe I’ll find myself a woman.”

  Chapter 2

  Lisa didn’t shop often. The last thing she bought was that red bustier that she’d balled up and thrown in the trash for all the good it did her. It was rare that she and Susan went shopping together. She was the see-it, buy-it, get-out-of-the-mall type, while Susan compared everything before making a decision. Yet on the occasions they were together, they always stopped to eat. Today was no different.

  Choosing one of the mall restaurants, they were seated at a table in the back away from the crowded doorway and out of the main traffic area. Lisa reached for her purse to find her cell phone. “Maybe I should call Bill and see how he’s doing?”

  “Put that down,” Susan ordered, tapping Lisa’s fingers. “You’re acting like a new mom. Jade is fine.”

  “I am a new mom,” Lisa told her.

  “You’ve raised three children. So don’t act like you haven’t been through this before.”

  Lisa was silent for a moment. She released the phone and it dropped back into her purse. Sighing, she looked at the contents as if she’d never seen them before. After a moment, she looked up.

  “Graham and I broke up.” She said it as if Susan knew all about it.

  “When?”

  “Last night. He took one look at Jade and he couldn’t run fast enough.”

  “What did he say?” Susan’s face was a mask of concern. Her hands were lying silently on the table.

  “He’s not interested in a woman with children.”

  “But Jade might be temporary.”

  “I mentioned that, but I couldn’t tell him how temporary. He said he’d already raised a son and wasn’t interested in doing it again.”

  “That prick,” Susan said. Then she looked at Lisa in case Lisa didn’t agree with her. She did – to a point.

  “I understand how he feels. He’s got a grown son. He’s at a stage of his life when he can enjoy himself. He can pick up when he wants, go places and stay as long has his money holds out. Jade is a complication he doesn’t need. She wasn’t in my plans either.”

  “Lisa, I’m so sorry. I know you really liked him.”

  Lisa swallowed the tears in her throat. “I thought things were progressing along. I was totally thrown over by his attitude last night.”

  “Are you going to be all right?”

  “Of course, I am. I like Graham. I’m not in love with him, but I was certainly on my way.” She took a drink from her water glass. “I think he was too.” She remembered the way he’d greeted her, the feet off the floor kiss, as if he’d really missed her while he’d been away. And then the complete about face when he learned about Jade.

  The waiter interrupted them with their lunch. He set a chef’s salad in front of Susan and cheeseburger platter in front of Lisa. Susan said nothing about Lisa’s choice of meal.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Susan. Children are so much more expensive today than they were eighteen years ago. Jade will suck up all my extra money.” Lisa changed the subject away from Graham. She hadn’t a total emotional investment in him, but there was some.

  “What about Family Services? Don’t they give you money for her support?”

  “It won’t be enough to pay half the baby sitting charges and I have to get her day care. I called several places this morning. With the holiday weekend, I got a lot of answering machines, but those that answered were frightfully expensive. With the girls in college and regular expenses, maintenance on the house, and the car, I had enough money to keep everything going, but I just charged over a thousand dollars. Who knew a crib would cost four hundred dollars? And I still have formula, diapers, baby clothes, blankets, and other minutia, ipecac, teething rings and who knows what else to buy.”

  “I thought they’d at least pay for day care?”

  “They will,” she said. “If I take her to West Cedar.”

  Susan frowned and took a bite of lettuce and then a drink of her diet cola. “You don’t have to keep Jade.” Her voice was very soft. Lisa’s head snapped up. She stared at Susan whose expression was compassionate and concerned.

  “I can’t do that, Susan. She’s part of my family. I can’t let her go to strangers. And I’m hoping Julianna will return and be a responsible person.”

  “I understand. I couldn’t do it either.” Susan paused. “What about your ex-husband? Could you ask him to help out?”

  Lisa made a face. Susan rarely asked about Lisa’s ex-husband. “You know how he treated his own children. What makes you think he’ll cough up money for one he’s never seen?”

  “People do change, Lisa.”

  “I know, but not him. He hasn’t seen or contacted any of the girls in fifteen years. After he moved out of the house we used to own, he never provided an address or phone number.”

  “How did you get child support?”

  “It went through the court. My check came from them. He moved and I never knew it. It wasn’t until I went back to visit friends in the old neighborhood a few years ago that I found out he was gone.”

  “You could find him if you wanted to. The court will have an address. You can petition--”

  “I don’t care where he is,” she snapped. “It was a bad divorce. I never want to see him again. I suppose I could forgive him some of what happened. No divorce is totally one person’s fault, but he abandoned the girls. It was hard explaining to them why their father never came to see them, sent birthday cards or Christmas gifts. For that I will never forgive him.”

  “So don’t forgive him. But ask him to pay half the tuition for his children. It’s got to cost upwards of thirty thousand dollars a year for each child. And you’ve got two. That would free up some money for Jade and keep you on your feet.”

  Lisa hesitated giving Susan time to continue.

  “They’re his children too. I’m sure he’s obligated to pay for their schooling. You’ve borne the brunt of their well-being and their financial dependence for years. Isn’t it time you got something from him?”

  “It wouldn’t work. I’d first have to find him. Then I’d have to hire a lawyer and go to court. I’ve been to court before and believe me only the lawyers win.”

  “You should at least try. Call his lawyer’s office and use them as a go-between. Why don’t you just send him a bill for his half of the tuition?”

  “You think people change, Susan. But believe me, he hasn’t. Every time I asked for an increase in child support, I had to go to court. It took years to recoup the money I spent on lawyers. If I go again, it’ll mean taking more money I don’t have to fight for him to comply with the court order already in place. I’ll just have to think of something else. Who knows, maybe I can get a job doing telemarketing at night.”

  They laughed, but Lisa wasn’t totally insincere. She needed something to supplement her income or she’d have to dip into the girls’ college funds. Her other option was to take out a loan to pay their tuition and fees. But all that would do is postpone the expense.

  But it was an option.

  She’d keep it in the back of her mind. If
Julianna came home and took care of Jade during the day, Lisa wouldn’t need to pay a sitter. That would make expenses manageable. That is if Julianna was capable of caring for a child. Lisa hadn’t gotten a true picture of her daughter’s life from Donald Li. The social services manager didn’t know much about her. His concern was for Jade. Her daughter had to have the same maternal instincts that most mothers had. She had to want to know where her child was and to care for her herself. Lisa hoped she was having those thoughts and she would come home and bring the family back together again. Yet a year and a half was a long time.

  When Julianna left originally, Lisa had had trouble sleeping and eating. She lost ten pounds, punished herself by reliving events that could have caused a riff wide enough between herself and her oldest daughter to force Julianna to leave home.

  Her twins, Drew and Darnell, complained to Lisa that she couldn’t go on the way she was. They believed she had done everything she could to bring them up to be honest citizens who cared about their planet and accepted other people for who they were. It was Julianna who chose a different path. Lisa could see the logic in her daughter’s words, but she was afraid of the world swallowing her child. After a while she could cope with Julianna’s absence, but thoughts of her were always at the forefront of her mind.

  With time, she believed her daughter would return.

  ***

  Lisa was amazed at what she had accomplished in the last week, none of it for Braddock Pharmaceuticals. She’d taken Tuesday off and found a sitter, a wonderful woman who had a day care center in her basement, a playground in her huge backyard and provided healthy snacks for the kids. She was also very expensive. Lisa nearly choked when she told her the fee for watching Jade. Jade stayed with this sitter for three days. It was through her that Lisa found a second, more reasonably priced, sitter. She liked the new one the moment they met. There was no playground or daycare center, but Jade was only three months old. She wouldn’t need those things for years.