by RR Haywood
‘Rajesh, shush now…you’ll wake Amna…’
‘Daddy killed mummy,’ Subi opens the flood gates as Heather winces and stares out the doors too ill-equipped to deal with this. ‘Daddy….daddy killed mummy…’
‘I want my daddy…’
‘Christ, please just go to sleep. Look, Paco is right here…they can’t get in. Everyone is okay…everyone is safe and…’
‘I…I want…my…’ Rajesh sobs, tears falling down his face that screws with his body wracking from the grief and loss surging up.
‘Subi, comfort your brother…’
‘Daddy killed her…’ Subi mouths to speak more but the words come out a broken whisper of raw emotion that Heather doesn’t want or need. What the hell does she do? They’ve got to stop crying. She soothes Amna, rocking her over to the split bale while staring down at two more children sobbing their hearts out.
‘Daddy,’ Rajesh sobs harder, breathing in gulps of air.
‘Rajesh,’ Heather says quickly, ‘you were right, Paco is Paco Maguire…you hear that? Yeah? He is Paco Maguire…’
‘My daddy,’ Rajesh carries on.
‘Oh shit,’ Heather groans and rocks. She sinks down to lower Amna into the straw and reaches out to touch Rajesh. ‘Hey…come on…stop that…Subi, you stop crying too.’
‘Daddy killed…’
‘Enough,’ Heather says firmly, ‘stop it. Both of you…pack it in and stop crying.’
Subi heaves for air to fight the sobs, her cheeks stinging again at the hard tone coming from Heather.
‘Now pack it in, stop it…Rajesh, stop that…’
‘I want my…’
‘Rajesh,’ Heather snaps.
‘Raj,’ Subi reaches out to hold her brother, her eyes darting quick and fearfully at Heather. ‘Shush, Raj…come here, shush…’
‘Okay,’ Heather sinks back at the sudden quietness descending the barn. ‘Thank fu…I mean thank God…thank someone anyway. Just…just go back to sleep,’ she gets up to walk outside to stand with her hands on her head cursing herself for going in the supermarket. Paco follows her out. She feels his presence behind her and moves back to press her body into his and brings his arms up to wrap round her chest. What the hell? Three crying children. Did she ever cry that much? She can’t ever remember crying. Not like that. They have to find people to take them, or work out where this fort is and take the kids there. She doesn’t know anything about any forts and searches her memory for anything to do with a fort. They don’t have forts these days. The sun’s coming up already. She sags into Paco, feeling his body take her weight leaning back. Find survivors. Give them the children and keep walking. That’s the plan. She pulls his arm up to kiss his skin, feeling the bristles of his arm hair on her lips. Is he safe? She kissed him on the head earlier and they’ve shared a bottle twice now. She doesn’t care anyway. It feels nice. His arm hair brushing against her lips. She feels him pushing forward gently into her back and murmurs softly. Pressure on her head. His chin resting on her skull. She freezes at the significance. He smiled at her last night. She kissed him, he smiled, he’s holding her, his head is resting on hers…
‘Need a poo.’
‘Ssshhh, Amna. Go back to sleep.’
‘Need a poo.’
‘I’m hungry.’
‘Raj, be quiet.’
‘I NEED A POO,’ Amna announces, now wide awake.
‘Right,’ Heather sighs to herself, patting his arm. The quicker they get up the quicker they get moving and the quicker she can find someone else to take them.
The morning started bad. It becomes worse. Far worse. Three children addicted to sugar and salt now withdrawing from being unable to consume chocolate and soda for breakfast. Headaches, short tempers, lack of attention span, inability to focus, weepy, crying, scared and in a strange place with a strange woman becoming increasingly snappy.
‘Don’t want it.’
‘You need to eat.’
‘No.’
‘Amna, you need to eat.’
‘Choclit.’
‘No chocolate, eat this…it’s fruit…it has sugar in it.’
‘No.’
‘Eat it.’
‘No.’
‘Please.’
‘No.’
‘You’ll get hungry later.’
‘Want choclit.’
‘Fine, go hungry then…Rajesh! What did I say? Leave Paco alone. Come away.’
‘But…’
‘I said no. Did you eat your breakfast?’
‘Not hungry.’
‘Oh for…Subi? Have you eaten?’
‘My tummy hurts.’
‘Hurts? Where?’
‘Want choclit.’
‘Leave Paco alone, Rajesh! Subi, eat the fruit…’
‘Need a poo.’
‘You just had one, Amna.’
‘Need a poo.’
‘Fine. Go and poo then.’
‘Take me.’
‘No, go yourself.’
‘Take me.’
‘Amna, no…Rajesh! Leave Paco alone.’
‘TAKE ME.’
‘Don’t shout at me. Subi, take your sister for a poo.’
‘Does Paco poo?’
‘Eh? What?’
‘Does Paco poo?’
‘Yes of course he does…’
‘Want choclit.’
‘Oh my God…look, we are going in five minutes so…’
‘I WANT A POO.’
‘Have a poo then. Go outside and…’
‘And choclit…please can I have some choc…’
‘I don’t have any! Amna. We do not have any chocli…sod it! Chocolate, we don’t have…’
‘Does Paco like chocolate?’
‘Huh? We’re going in five minutes. Poo. Eat. Do what you want but…Rajesh!’
‘What?’
‘Do not give Paco food…I said not to touch him…’
‘You fed him last night.’
‘Yes but…just…’
‘I can put the gloves on and…’
‘No! Come away now. Subi, get your brother away from…oh my God, Amna! What are you doing?’
‘Pooing.’
‘Not in here, go outside…’
‘Heather?’
‘What?’
‘Can I have the gloves please?’
‘No…Paco, leave those sunglasses on.’
‘But…’
‘No, Rajesh! We are leaving right now. Everyone up. Paco, get up. Subi…’
‘My tummy hurts.’
‘I had a poo.’
‘Out. Everyone get out. We are going. No. Do not…out. Subi will you, oh my…Rajesh leave those bloody gloves alone. Amna, clean your bum. Subi, clean Amna’s bum. Out. Come on…’
‘Want my shoes.’
‘What?’ Heather asks, exasperated.
‘Shoes,’ Amna says stubbornly.
‘You’ve got your shoes on.’
‘My shoes.’
‘You’ve got your…’
‘Red shoes.’
‘Red shoes? They were filthy. You’ve got new shoes.’
‘Want my shoes.’
‘No. They’re disgusting.’
‘Want my shoes. Red shoes.’
‘I said no. You’ve got shoes. We’re going…’
‘MYSHOESREDSHOESMYSHOESREDSHOES…’
‘Okay okay, I’ll get them…look, they’re right here. Now come on.’
‘MYSHOESMYREDSHOES…’
‘I’ve got them!’
‘Want them on.’
‘Right. Fine. You want them on. Of course you do. Okay, we’ll take these nice new shoes off and put these filthy things back on. Happy now? Can we go? We are going. Right now. NO! Enough. GET OUT.’
They go quickly from the mini explosion erupting from Heather. Three children falling instantly to sulking which prompts a stab of guilt in Heather who hefts her bag now much lighter after most of their food has been eaten. The other bag is left. The chil
dren have what they walk in and that’s it. She leads them across the field to the gate and through to the road, all in silence. Then the sugar withdrawal makes itself known again with constant gripes. Feet hurt. Legs hurt. Stomachs hurt. Rajesh drops back to walk next to Paco and has to be told to go ahead with his sisters. Amna stops and refuses to move. Folding her arms and stamping a red shoe down demanding choclit. Subi cries. Rajesh tries to touch Paco’s leg. Subi needs a wee. Amna shouts and all within sight of the gate they just walked from.
How do mothers cope? How does anyone cope with children? She used to hear people going on about how rewarding it is to have children and how loved they feel. This is not rewarding or loving. It’s a mess. They’re just moaning non-stop, nagging, whining, crying and trying to poke Paco. She gets a stress headache and her belly starts cramping that reminds her she’s still on her period. Why wasn’t it hurting before? It’s too hot. They’re going too slowly. Amna keeps stopping but doesn’t want to be carried. Now she does want to be carried but it’s too hot and she’s too heavy. Can Paco carry her? No! He is infected. She kissed him. That doesn’t matter. That’s your risk and not the life of a child. She kissed him though. They shared a bottle. Stop it. That is complacency from familiarity. His wounds are dressed, he isn’t bleeding and he doesn’t dribble at all now. No. He cannot carry Amna. Why won’t Rajesh leave him alone and why is Subi being so sulky. She was helpful and nice yesterday. Oh god, she can still see the barn. They’re not making any progress at all.
Twenty Eight
‘Don’t touch his mouth. If you touch his mouth you will walk. DO NOT TOUCH HIS MOUTH.’
Amna nods. Her big brown eyes gloriously happy at being held by Paco. Rajesh glares. His bottom lip poking out at the way Amna always gets what she wants.
‘Hands there. Do not move your hands.’
‘Okay,’ Amna nods again.
They walk on. Paco’s hands soaked and rubbed in anti-bac. His arms the same. His beard, his chin, his face and then his hands again. It took an hour just to go far enough to be out of sight of the barn. It was shit. Really shit. Like totally completely shit. They walk on with Amna sitting in his arms facing forward, her legs dangling with her red shoes swinging happily with Heather watching her like a hawk. He didn’t flinch at Amna being placed in his arms and even adjusted his stance and position to make sure she couldn’t fall. Heather noticed that and looked into his eyes again until Rajesh announced that he too, was in fact, also very tired.
‘Paco is not carrying you too.
‘But my legs hurt.’
‘They do not. Just walk.’
‘My feet hurt.’
‘Walk.’
‘I can go on his back.’
‘No. Walk.’
‘Can I hold his hand?’
‘No.’
‘You were holding his hand.’
‘I had the gloves…no…’
‘I can put the gloves on.’
‘No, Rajesh. No.’
‘Can I put my hand on his pocket?’
‘What!?’
‘You had your hand on his pocket. I want to put my hand on his…’
‘No! For the love of God no. Just walk.’
‘Raj, stop being a baby.’
‘I’m not a baby.’
‘Baby.’
‘I’m not a baby.’
‘Baby…’
‘Enough. Subi, stop it.’
‘He is a baby. Paco doesn’t want your hand on his pocket.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Fine! Put your bloody hand on his pocket then but that’s it. Don’t moan. Walk.’
‘Okay, Heather.’
‘…’
‘Heather?’
‘Yes, Subi?’
‘Can I put my…’
‘Yes.’
‘Thanks, Heather.’
Paco walks with a child in his arms and one on each side hooking thumbs into his pockets. Heather walks further away so the steam coming from her ears doesn’t burn anyone. She pulls the gloves off in a huff and tucks them in her back pocket but checks all three constantly, just to be sure. What on earth is the attraction? He doesn’t speak or do anything? Why are they drawn to him like that? They could hold her pockets but oh no, they want his pockets. He’s big and famous, that’s why. What? What difference does that make? He’s familiar to them. They recognise him plus he’s massive so he makes them feel safe. Yeah well. It’s still shit.
‘Heather?’
‘Yes, Subi?’
‘Why are Paco’s eyes red?’
‘Eh? Amna! Take those sunglasses off. Why…how did you…’
‘Why are his eyes red?’ Subi asks, leaning forward to stare up as Rajesh leans forward to stare up.
‘His eyes are red,’ Rajesh points out.
‘I just said that,’ Subi says.
‘I saw it first.’
‘Did not. I said to Heather…I asked her why his…’
‘I saw it first.’
‘Did not. Heather, tell Rajesh I saw…’
‘Amna, I said don’t touch his face…’
‘You said don’t touch his mouth.’
‘Yes, thank you, Subi. How did you even reach them?’
‘He gave them to me.’
‘He did not.’
‘Did so.’
‘He did not. You are sat on his hands. How would he…’
‘He did. Promise.’
‘Give them back.’
‘No.’
‘Amna. Give Paco his…give me the glasses…’
‘Paco said I could have them.’
‘He did not. Right, you can get down and walk.’
‘NOOOOOOO.’
‘Shush!’
‘NOOOOOO.’
‘Oh my…bloody hell be quiet. Right fine, stay there just shut up.’
‘You shouldn’t give in to her.’
‘Yes thank you, Subi.’
‘Why are his eyes red, Heather?’ Rajesh asks.
‘Conjunctivitis.’
‘Nanna had that. Her eyes had yellow gunk. Paco doesn’t have any yellow gunk.’
‘Thank you, Subi. It’s er…it’s like conjunctivitis.’
‘Is he one of the things?’ Rajesh asks.
‘No.’
‘But Nanna had yellow gunk and her eyes were only a bit red but Paco’s eyes are all red and…’
‘Subi!’
‘And they were itchy and Paco isn’t rubbing his eyes at all and he has bite marks on his…’
‘He doesn’t.’
‘He does. I saw them. Under his bandages.’
‘Er…be quiet.’
‘But…’
‘No talking now.’
‘But…’
‘Heather? Is Paco one of the things?’
‘No, Rajesh.’
‘Oh.’
‘Rajesh shush, Heather said we have to be quiet now.’
‘I was being quiet.’
‘You are talking now.’
‘So are you.’
‘Stop it. Enough. No talking. No. Shush. Not a word.’
‘…’
‘I need a wee.’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake.’
Stressed, harassed, drained, sweating and with a temper tantrum threating to spill over at any second they finally reach a village. A small one. One shop. One pub. One road through. Tiny really. Heather sighs, biting her lip and wishing it was a big stonking town that she could nail up signs in and use a loudhailer to announce she has three orphans that need a home.
‘Okay, come with me,’ she plucks a protesting Amna from Paco’s arms to hold against her hip. ‘Rajesh, this side. Subi, on this side…both put your hands on my pockets and don’t let go…’
‘Why?’
‘Because I said so, Rajesh. Paco needs to keep his hands free now. Subi, take a bottle of water from my bag. Rajesh, put your hand back on my pocket. Okay, Amna, go down for a minute. Stop whining! Just for a minute. Paco, have some water. Eve
ryone stay quiet now. I need to listen. Subi, pass me the plastic bag. Okay, don’t touch this bottle in the plastic bag. Paco, you okay? Not too hot? Right, Amna come here. You two at my side and do not move. If anything happens stay with me. Do not run off and do not scream. Whatever happens do not scream.’
‘HEATHER!’
‘Shit…PACO…get behind me…behind me…Amna don’t look.’
‘I wanna look.’
‘No. Turn your head.’
‘Get orf, I wanna look…what’s Paco doing?’
‘Oh so cool.’
‘Rajesh, close your eyes. Don’t look.’
‘Why is Paco carrying that man?’
‘So cool.’
‘It isn’t cool, Rajesh. Amna, stop looking.’
‘But…oh he dropped him. Will he carry him again?’
‘I said don’t look,’ Heather grunts, forcing Amna to turn her head while trying to shield Rajesh and Subi peering out round and through her legs. Three of them from the pub. All males. All big. All get killed with a ruthless viciousness that surprises even Heather. He’s getting stronger and faster. His motor skills are improving every day. He uses his hands to hold one still while he kicks another one away then pivots that same one round to block the path of the next one. Intelligence mixed with brutality in a man that checks his kills and walks back as Rajesh rushes out from behind Heather’s legs.
‘RAJESH NO,’ Heather bellows with a force that brings the boy to a sudden stop. She rushes after him, grabbing his arm to drag him back.
‘That hurts,’ Rajesh tries to pull away, his face contorting in fear and pain.
‘DO NOT TOUCH HIM,’ the veins in her neck bulge. ‘Subi, hold you brother. NOW, SUBI. Keep Amna with you.’ She drops the bag to pull the wipes, anti-bac and sprays out. ‘Paco, stop,’ she calls out, knowing he will walk to be at her side. She runs to him instead, pulling her gloves on to wipe his hands, arms and face. She checks his t-shirt, spraying him all over with detergent. She turns constantly to make sure the children don’t come closer, her movements frantic and hard with pressure applied that she hasn’t done before. Paco watches her. Sensing and seeing the worry and fear. His own mind settles from the images that flooded in when he killed the three infected males. The equilibrium shifting to start that swing back and forth. He still sees the dog in his mind and feels the emotional connection but the grip of that memory is too weak to hold and stay.
‘Okay, all done…let me look,’ Heather moves back to walk round him, taking a fresh wipe to do his hands for the third time then checks his feet again and sprays more detergent on his boots. ‘Good, you’re good…are you thirsty?’ She looks into his eyes, holding his gaze with her own look so worried and troubled. ‘Subi…no, actually I’ll get it.’