Loving A Highland Enemy: Ladies of Dunmore Series (A Medieval Scottish Romance Story)

by Freya, Bridget

  “Aye, I ken he does at that. I dinnae want to marry him, Adeline, but at the same time, it would be a simpler life. I could marry him and not have to worry about all this other nonsense that I’m currently worrying about,” she explained.

  “But ye’ve just told me that ye dinnae love him, Grace,” Adeline said.

  “Aye, I ken. But is love really that important? I mean, ye cannae imagine how angry everyone would be if I found meself with the man I love. And I cannae even imagine me own faither giving me an allowance to wed him,” she said.

  Adeline looked at her with irritation. “Grace, I havnae any clue about this other man that ye love, but I do ken that it isnae fair to let Callum marry ye if ye dinnae love him,” she said.

  “I dinnae think he even loves me. We like each other, sure, but it’s not love. There’s no real…spark…between us. It’s only convenience and the knowledge that everyone else wants it for us,” Grace said.

  “Are ye sure he feels the same about it? I’m quite certain that he’d marry ye in an instant if ye wanted him,” Adeline said.

  “I dinnae think so, to be honest. It’s nice to think about a man being in love with me, but Adeline, I think he feels the same. I think he sees me as an ease, as a convenience to do what is expected of us. And if he does truly love me, then I had best crush that dream before it grows any bigger,” Grace said, remnants of her former despair resurfacing to her face.

  A Truth Too Hard To Bear Alone

  “General Warwick?” Holloway asked.

  “What is it?” Douglas replied, the anger still on his face.

  “Forgive me, but are you alright?” he asked cautiously.

  Douglas turned and stared down the young lieutenant standing in his open tent flap. He was annoyed and didn’t feel like speaking to anyone. However, Douglas was also aware that his ever-increasing outbursts of anger were becoming talked about among the men.

  “Come in, Richard,” he said. “If we are going to talk, then please call me Douglas for now. I cannot deal with titles if we are going to speak on gentlemen’s terms.”

  Richard looked at him uncertainly. There was fear about him, as if he had unwittingly entered the den of a lion and now regretted it. A part of Douglas felt that it was a warranted concern. He truly was not himself and he could understand if Richard was fearful.

  “I understand that I have had quite the temper lately,” he confessed.

  “Yes, Gen-, yes, Douglas,” Richard replied.

  “Well then, in truth I am rather upset these days. And today is no exception. I ask that you would be discreet and that you would also forgive me for the way I have been speaking to you and the others. I understand that it has not been warranted against you all to see me in such a state as I have been,” he said.

  “Thank you, Douglas. Thank you for speaking so…” Richard said. He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief, but Douglas could still sense the wariness around him.

  “We are safe here, are we not? We are safe and well here in the fort. It is all a man needs. His safety and his knowledge that he can get himself to safety whenever the need may arise. These are the things we fight for,” Douglas said, letting his mind wander.

  “Y-yes, I suppose,” Richard replied, uncertain where the conversation was heading.

  “And yet I cannot help but find myself desiring more. Desiring something…something I never desired before. Something I am not supposed to desire. Richard, I have been a fool and I cannot think that my foolishness will end anytime soon,” he said.

  “What is it that makes you feel so foolish?” Richard asked, finally settling into comfort.

  “What makes any man feel like a fool?” Douglas asked. All was silent for a moment as neither men spoke, both knowing the answer well.

  “And why is it that you have chosen to feel like a fool instead of seeking the safety you spoke of?” Richard asked.

  Douglas felt himself finally tip over the edge. “Because what if she is safety?” he shouted. “What if she is truly the only thing in this world that can bring me the safety and comfort that I need, that I want? What if everything I’ve ever believed has been a lie?

  “I should hate her! I always did hate her! Even before I knew her, I hated her. Richard, do not be a fool like I have been. Do not cling to a belief you have had your whole life and allow it to ruin the life you have left,” Douglas warned.

  Richard had shifted back and his eyes returned to the earlier fear he had felt. “Then don’t. Don’t let it ruin the life you have left. If you want her, why do you not pursue her? Isn’t that the only other option you have?” Richard asked.

  “Because what if the stories are true? What if she only makes a greater fool out of me and proves that it was all true after all? Richard, I feel as though the risk on either side is too great. I could pursue this love, I could follow it to the ends of the earth only to have her push me off the edge, or I could deny it and allow my bitterness to overcome every last ounce of who I am as a man. What am I to do when these are my options?” he asked.

  Douglas could feel that his face was deep red, as if the heat was clinging to him. He inhaled and exhaled with equal difficulty. There was pain in his chest and he wondered if the tightness was from the acknowledgment that he had fallen in love with Grace or from the fear he felt in losing her.

  “Why do they have to be your only options?” Richard asked.

  “What else could there be?” Douglas replied.

  “Forgive me, but perhaps you are looking at it wrongly. Perhaps your choices are not pain for leaving her or pain for pursuing her. Perhaps your options are joy in pursuing her and safety in denying her. Would you prefer joy or safety? You already confessed that you desire safety. But is that not something you can always return to?” Richard asked.

  “Safety in a broken heart?” Douglas inquired with a scoff.

  “If it should come to that, I have no doubt that you would heal over time. Can you heal without this woman? Can you recover from your bitterness if she is not in your life?” Richard challenged.

  Douglas considered his wisdom and was angry for allowing himself to be so forthcoming about his innermost feelings with Richard. If he was a fool for anything, it was this. It was allowing himself to confess these things to his subordinate.

  “Truly I do not know, Richard. But I must ask your forgiveness yet again, for allowing myself to show such weakness about these feelings,” Douglas said, taking a deep breath. His passionate outbursts had to be controlled and he was ashamed for not managing to contain them better.

  “I do not know if you have noticed, General, but we have both asked quite a lot of forgiveness from one another since I came inside,” Richard said.

  “I told you not to call me General just now,” Douglas replied.

  “Forgive me,” Richard said with a laugh. It worked to get Douglas to smile a bit as well and the two were quiet for just a moment.

  “I suppose the trouble is that all the stories I have ever told myself, all the stories I built my life on, are false. Everything I was made to believe. And I don’t know how to proceed when I learn what lies I have become,” Douglas said.

  “Well, Douglas, have you considered that it might be time to let go of the stories and try to find the truth?” Richard suggested.

  Douglas looked at him once more before he stood and exited the tent, leaving Richard behind.

  He was sure that his lieutenant would be confused by this move, but in that moment, he didn’t care. Richard was right. He hated to admit it, but it was the truth. He needed to move on, needed to learn the truth and stop living his life according to stories he had been fed.

  He was fighting on behalf of the Hanoverians based solely on the stories of how his mother had betrayed his father and abandoned him. He was choosing to deny the love he had to admit he felt for Grace because of those stories.

  Douglas stomped up the hill beside the camp and made his way to a small grove of trees that smelled like spring despite the cold a
ir and leafless branches. He took a few deep breaths and tried to calm his angry heart.

  What if all of his misery was actually self-inflicted? What if there was more to this than just the stories he had been told?

  What if there was more about his mother than he had ever known?

  Trying to imagine what she might look like, Douglas leaned against a tree and closed his eyes. He attempted to drown out the sounds around him, the birds in the trees, the men bustling about the camp below.

  He tried to remember her, but knew well that he never could. A woman who had deserted him as an infant could not be conjured.

  Douglas wondered if she had his same color eyes, or the hair that he shared with his father. Or was her hair red like so many of the Scottish women? Did he carry that hue in his beard because of her or simply because it seemed all men of Scottish descent had red in their beards?

  For a moment, Douglas considered jumping on his horse and riding off to the lands of his mother. However, he knew that he couldn’t. He was a general. He could not simply run off without telling anyone. In addition, if he was discovered going off in search of his heritage, there would be a great risk to his reputation and his station.

  No, if he were actually going to chase this, to try to find her, he would have to do it covertly. He would have to create a lie. He would have to tell someone that lie.

  However, that didn’t mean it was impossible and it was certainly not going to stop him from trying when he knew that it had to be done.

  Without learning this, how could he continue? His temper would grow worse, his anger and frustration would be dire for his men.

  Selfishly, but honestly, Douglas knew what he had to do and he knew that he could not apologize for it.

  Making his way back into the camp, he found Richard sitting quietly with some of the men eating their lunch. It was clear that Richard had not said anything about the secret Douglas had shared, but the men were cautious nonetheless when he approached.

  “Troops, please forgive me. It would seem that I have been called away for a time. I do not know how long I shall be gone, but you will be under the guidance and protection of Lieutenant Holloway while I am not here. Should you need anything, please refer to your new commander.

  “I will return to you, so please do not think that I have run off. And do not think that any mutiny will be stood for,” he said with a slight laugh and a glance at Richard.

  The men chuckled gently, imagining the foolishness of trying to mutiny under their friend, a man they all trusted and respected.

  Douglas hoped that this journey would help him to become more stable upon his return to his men. If for any reason he was discouraged by what he found in the highlands, he vowed not to let it affect his men as he had been. They deserved better and he would give them better. They had been loyal to him even during these times of his unpredictability.

  He would return and he would be better once he did.

  The Necessity Of Comfort

  “Not yet. Not yet. If ye go now, he will think ye overeager to see him.”

  Grace sat alone in her room, anxious and unnerved. Callum had been recovering nicely. He was awake more in the week that had passed since his accident, but he was still struggling now and then with basic daily tasks and Grace worried for him.

  At the same time, she worried for herself. Could she continue caring for him when her heart was not with him? It seemed that she daily went back and forth, trying to love him, but knowing she couldn’t.

  She also knew that she had this same conversation with herself daily. She could never simply go down and check on Callum; it always had to be an internal debate as to whether or not it was a wise decision or when it was exactly best that she go.

  “Maybe now,” she said to herself, standing from the bed.

  She directly sat back down.

  “No. Not yet. Ye foolish lass, ye still havnae even decided if ye will allow him to pursue ye or not,” she said to herself in a harsh whisper. It lately seemed more and more often that she audibly berated herself for her nonsensical feelings.

  On the other hand, was it nonsensical to think that she could make such a decision without seeing him first? What if spending more time with Callum was the answer to whether to not she wanted to be with him?

  Yes, that would help, certainly. It hadn’t answered her question yet over the past week, but maybe if she continued to try, the answer would come.

  Grace stood and this time she forced her feet forward until she was out the door of her room. Soon she was ascending the staircase up one floor to the room that Callum was recuperating in now.

  Joanna had said it was the best room for recovery because, although it was difficult for the injured to get up extra floors, the air was best on this floor and the view from the room allowed for more pleasantries.

  Joanna thought recovery was every bit as much about hope as it was about healing. Grace wondered if this was also true of the heart.

  She knocked gently on Callum’s door.

  “Come in,” he said on the other side.

  Grace opened it and it groaned against the movement.

  Callum was sitting up slightly in the bed; he looked even stronger today. His face lit up when he saw Grace and he smiled wide at her. “And how is me Angel of Rescue today?” he joked.

  Grace laughed and looked shyly at the floor as she had done the past three days when he greeted her this way. It seemed that he was choosing to forget the two strangers that had assisted in his rescue, honing in solely on the woman who had barely done a thing.

  Maybe she had done more for him than she thought. Perhaps she was the thing that he hoped for most.

  “How are ye feeling today?” Grace asked.

  “Better. Still stings a little, but it’s definitely getting better and not any worse. And ye? How’ve ye been since me little accident? I hope ye’re not still as terrified as ye were then?” he asked.

  “No, I’m doing much better, thank ye,” Grace replied.

  “Right, that’s good then. And what can I do for ye today then? Ye seem a bit down, maybe let me cheer ye up?” he offered.

  “No,” Grace laughed. “Honestly, I just came to check in on ye. And to make sure ye’re doing better. If ye need anything, of course, I’m right here. But I willnae keep ye too long today,” she said. Grace began to wonder if she was bothering him by being around so often.

  What if he actually wanted a break from her and here she was, foolishly pestering him? Did he think she was pursuing him when all this time she was trying to figure out how they felt for one another?

  “I’d like it if ye kept me a great deal of time,” he said, as if answering her unspoken question above her verbal reassurance.

  Grace was quiet, contemplating what to say next. Finally, she worked up the courage to ask what she wanted to know. “And why is that? Why is it that you would want me to stay for a great deal of time?” she inquired in a quiet, gentle voice. She didn’t want him to feel that she was pushing when she really just wanted an honest answer.

  Callum gave her a look she could not decipher. A half smile appeared on his face and he eyed her with admiration. However, there was something underneath it. Was it sadness? Confusion?

  “Grace, ye are a fine lass. Ye’re beautiful, kind, and…well…graceful,” he said, the smile growing.

  “Ye ken that I’m a man of faith. Ye ken I believe in God’s will and destiny, and that there is a plan and purpose for all things under Heaven. Ye ken that, right?” he asked.

  “Aye, ye’ve told me how important it is to ye and I admire that a great deal. I wish I were more zealous in me own faith,” she replied.

  “Well, I do too, and I believe ye can be, but that’s a conversation for another time,” Callum said with a laugh and Grace followed suit.

  “The truth is, Grace, I think we suit one another quite well. I think…maybe we are meant to be with one another? I ken it sounds foolish and I hope ye dinnae laugh at me for saying so,
but maybe this is part of our destiny?” he said.

  Grace was quiet and did not look at him, but she felt herself nodding in sad agreement.

  “I ken we dinnae have much passion. And maybe for a woman that is deeply important, but while we dinnae have the passion, I do sense that we have the admiration, the respect and care for one another. Am I wrong on that account?” he asked softly.

  Grace finally looked him in the eye. “Aye, ye’re right.”

  She looked away again. He had acknowledged the sad truth. There was little passion between them. They had all the makings of an excellent couple, but they were missing the elements of romance and true love. Affection they had, but not love.

  She thought again of his statement that maybe for women it was more important. Was it more important for her? Could she live without passion for the sake of security?

  “Grace, have I made ye sad?” he asked with concern.

  She looked up at him and smiled. “No, Callum, not in the least. I’m merely considering what ye’ve said. I believe much of it to be true. We would make a good match. I cannae say much beyond that just now. I have a lot on me mind, but I’m grateful that ye’ve told me how ye feel,” she said.

  “I meant it, Grace, every word,” he said.

  She knew that by ‘every word’ Callum was meaning his belief that they were meant to be together. However, for Grace, she could only stick to his words of acknowledgement that there was something missing between them.

  “I ken. And I’m thankful,” she lied. “Now, Joanna is off to visit someone in the village today, but I ken how to change yer bandage. Might I?” she asked.

  “Aye, please,” he replied.

  Grace began her work and blushed when she had to remove part of his clothing to reveal Callum’s muscled chest and arm so that she could access the wound. She cleaned it and checked that it was healing nicely.

  Meanwhile her thoughts drifted to doing this same action with Douglas. The way they had debated and argued, the tension that had been between them even as she’d wanted him to kiss her. She felt none of that now. Not with Callum.